This generation of women dropping the rope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.

... except that no one is saying this to men - only to women. How often do men initiate social events with their ILs, send gifts or cards, etc.?

~Mother of two sons

Few, if any, men have any interest in spending time with our IL’s. It’s a chore that we sometimes do, but if we never had to do it again, we’d be thrilled.

And, I agree that it’s unfair that women seem to have societal pressure to maintain a relationship with parents.

I propose we stop with this whole “his family IS your family” stuff, too. You know what? I have a family, and while I like my ILs and am especially friendly with my SIL, I didn’t meet any of them until I was 29. By then I was a fully formed adult with family, friends, coworkers, interests, experiences, traditions, etc. DH and I have basically adopted the best of each other’s traditions and family connections and family expectations, and leave the rest. So no, I will not be going on every camping trip with my ILs, because I don’t like camping, but I do love their holiday traditions. I do not need to be close or make an effort with DH’s particularly weird aunt Because Family, just like he doesn’t have to feign closeness with my rather aloof brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I'm sad for you, OP. You sound like a really ugly person inside and very unhappy. You may think that your post makes you sound strong but it really makes you sound petty and weak. Instead of trying to provide balance in relationships by equally honoring your parents and your husband's parents, you've chosen to act in a way that is ungenerous and spiteful. Your poor children. You're modeling for them narrow-minded and vindictive behavior. What an ugly person you are inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.

... except that no one is saying this to men - only to women. How often do men initiate social events with their ILs, send gifts or cards, etc.?

~Mother of two sons

Few, if any, men have any interest in spending time with our IL’s. It’s a chore that we sometimes do, but if we never had to do it again, we’d be thrilled.

And, I agree that it’s unfair that women seem to have societal pressure to maintain a relationship with parents.

I propose we stop with this whole “his family IS your family” stuff, too. You know what? I have a family, and while I like my ILs and am especially friendly with my SIL, I didn’t meet any of them until I was 29. By then I was a fully formed adult with family, friends, coworkers, interests, experiences, traditions, etc. DH and I have basically adopted the best of each other’s traditions and family connections and family expectations, and leave the rest. So no, I will not be going on every camping trip with my ILs, because I don’t like camping, but I do love their holiday traditions. I do not need to be close or make an effort with DH’s particularly weird aunt Because Family, just like he doesn’t have to feign closeness with my rather aloof brother.

Huh. So after 29, you have determined that you will never, ever have new friends? Well, God forbid anyone ever try to make friends with you. I'm sure they'll be happy once you clarify with them that you are already "a fully formed adult with family, friends, coworkers, interests, experiences, traditions, etc." They'll be relieved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I'm sad for you, OP. You sound like a really ugly person inside and very unhappy. You may think that your post makes you sound strong but it really makes you sound petty and weak. Instead of trying to provide balance in relationships by equally honoring your parents and your husband's parents, you've chosen to act in a way that is ungenerous and spiteful. Your poor children. You're modeling for them narrow-minded and vindictive behavior. What an ugly person you are inside.

Where is your diatribe for OP’s husband? You know, the one who hasn’t prioritized his family from the get-go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how husbands make it wives’ responsibility to maintain relationships with their parents.

I have 3 sons and have told them over and over that it isn't and shouldn't be their wives (once they're married-they're 25, 21, and 18 now) responsibility to make the effort with DH and me.

This is bizarre. If you have a relationship with your sons why would you need to say that? Did it make you feel good?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.

... except that no one is saying this to men - only to women. How often do men initiate social events with their ILs, send gifts or cards, etc.?

~Mother of two sons

Few, if any, men have any interest in spending time with our IL’s. It’s a chore that we sometimes do, but if we never had to do it again, we’d be thrilled.

And, I agree that it’s unfair that women seem to have societal pressure to maintain a relationship with parents.

I propose we stop with this whole “his family IS your family” stuff, too. You know what? I have a family, and while I like my ILs and am especially friendly with my SIL, I didn’t meet any of them until I was 29. By then I was a fully formed adult with family, friends, coworkers, interests, experiences, traditions, etc. DH and I have basically adopted the best of each other’s traditions and family connections and family expectations, and leave the rest. So no, I will not be going on every camping trip with my ILs, because I don’t like camping, but I do love their holiday traditions. I do not need to be close or make an effort with DH’s particularly weird aunt Because Family, just like he doesn’t have to feign closeness with my rather aloof brother.

Huh. So after 29, you have determined that you will never, ever have new friends? Well, God forbid anyone ever try to make friends with you. I'm sure they'll be happy once you clarify with them that you are already "a fully formed adult with family, friends, coworkers, interests, experiences, traditions, etc." They'll be relieved.

New friends? Of course. But you know what takes time and two-sided effort to develop? True friendship. You know what takes discernment and choice? Selecting your friends. So I have become very good friends—to the level of family—with some of my husband’s family members. But I keep my distance from some (like one of his weird, alcoholic cousins), and I don’t feel the need to pretend some instant connection. My relationships with my husband’s family members have developed organically over time. I didn’t suddenly expect my SIL to become “my sister,” and because she and I never put that weight of expectation and instantaneous connection on each other, guess what we became? Close as sisters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I do these things because I want to, not because it's some kind of burden. Maybe next time don't marry into a family where any of this feels like a burden?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I'm sad for you, OP. You sound like a really ugly person inside and very unhappy. You may think that your post makes you sound strong but it really makes you sound petty and weak. Instead of trying to provide balance in relationships by equally honoring your parents and your husband's parents, you've chosen to act in a way that is ungenerous and spiteful. Your poor children. You're modeling for them narrow-minded and vindictive behavior. What an ugly person you are inside.

Where is your diatribe for OP’s husband? You know, the one who hasn’t prioritized his family from the get-go?

The real issue here seems to be the example OP and her husband are setting for their own kids. If the father doesn't have the decency to care for his own mom, what does he expect will happen when his kids grow up? What does OP expect will happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I do these things because I want to, not because it's some kind of burden. Maybe next time don't marry into a family where any of this feels like a burden?

Why do you have to be a B? Many of us didn’t know our in-laws well when we got married. Maybe when we were choosing life partners at 25 we didn’t think about “who’s going to send this woman birthday cards in perpetuity because we were talking about kids and careers and grad school and how we felt about religion and debt and social issues. I got lucky and married a man who shares the load with childcare and household chores and didn’t realize until later that he was perfectly happy leaving all the cards and Christmas shopping for extended family to me. Like OP, I figured it out and let my H handle all that. It means his sisters get lame Harry and David gift baskets every year but that’s what he chooses. And Facebook birthday notifications remind him to call. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

Same. I made it pretty clear early on he's responsible for his family and I'm responsible for mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I'm sad for you, OP. You sound like a really ugly person inside and very unhappy. You may think that your post makes you sound strong but it really makes you sound petty and weak. Instead of trying to provide balance in relationships by equally honoring your parents and your husband's parents, you've chosen to act in a way that is ungenerous and spiteful. Your poor children. You're modeling for them narrow-minded and vindictive behavior. What an ugly person you are inside.

Where is your diatribe for OP’s husband? You know, the one who hasn’t prioritized his family from the get-go?

The real issue here seems to be the example OP and her husband are setting for their own kids. If the father doesn't have the decency to care for his own mom, what does he expect will happen when his kids grow up? What does OP expect will happen?

I like how you quickly pivoted to also chastise and question OP’s husband now that you have been called out on your blatant sexism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I do these things because I want to, not because it's some kind of burden. Maybe next time don't marry into a family where any of this feels like a burden?

The internalized misogyny is deep with this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I'm sad for you, OP. You sound like a really ugly person inside and very unhappy. You may think that your post makes you sound strong but it really makes you sound petty and weak. Instead of trying to provide balance in relationships by equally honoring your parents and your husband's parents, you've chosen to act in a way that is ungenerous and spiteful. Your poor children. You're modeling for them narrow-minded and vindictive behavior. What an ugly person you are inside.

I’m not the Op. But… “equally” honoring my in laws, who I met as an adult and see a couple of times a year, to my mom and dad, who raised and cared for and loved me? That is an insane expectation. It should be their son who ensures they are honored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I'm sad for you, OP. You sound like a really ugly person inside and very unhappy. You may think that your post makes you sound strong but it really makes you sound petty and weak. Instead of trying to provide balance in relationships by equally honoring your parents and your husband's parents, you've chosen to act in a way that is ungenerous and spiteful. Your poor children. You're modeling for them narrow-minded and vindictive behavior. What an ugly person you are inside.

I’m not the Op. But… “equally” honoring my in laws, who I met as an adult and see a couple of times a year, to my mom and dad, who raised and cared for and loved me? That is an insane expectation. It should be their son who ensures they are honored.

This. Right. Here.

[Anonymous]

Please try to show some compassion for those of us who don’t see this stuff right away. Societal pressure is insidious, and we often don’t know how much we absorbed. Growing up, my mom exchanged letters weekly with her mom and sister, and later my dad’s sister. They’re the ones who send the birthday cards and Christmas presents and wedding gifts. My mom subtly pressed my SIL on why she and my brother never sent thank yous for their wedding gifts. We didn’t always have role models for men doing this kind of work. So don’t hate on OP for coming to it later. There are plenty of women (and men!) who never get it at all.