This generation of women dropping the rope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stopped getting involved with Christmas gifts for ILs a few years ago, so my husband runs around on December 23, every year like clockwork, scrambling to find something for his mom. Which is fine, he gets it done. But my MIL just assumes that I do the shopping, so if he gets her a crappy gift, it’s still my doing in her eyes.

I left it up to DH to handle relationships with his family.

His gifts are very basic - gift card or $25 cash.

He doesn’t think of MIL so he doesn’t invite her to anything.

[Anonymous]

I never held the rope either, but we did make an effort to see my inlaws a lot. Once their elderly dog died they said they would visit more. Then they got a puppy and insisted they would only visit with the dog in tow. We're a dog-free home because of allergies but also it's an untrained puppy. They don't visit. They'll even drive by our home and not visit. It's crazy, but with young kids I'm not visiting you after spending all day driving in a car. It is what it is. They clearly have their priorities and it isn't their only grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well done op. I was 100% responsible for His family, planning everything etc.

best part of divorce is not having to buy those people who I never respected things anymore. In the four years since we split my children have seen his side of the family twice and he’s alienated from them, after demanding they sever ties with me. So now they have nothing. Choices.

You were never “responsible.” You took that on.

You never were in a position of “having to buy those people who I never respected things”…you chose that.

So, to use your own word back to you? Choices.

[Anonymous]

1. 22 years of marriage, and i've never handled any of those things. I handle my family, DH handles his.

2. As a consequence, I'm sure his family have all kinds of nasty things to say about me behind my back.

3. But conveniently, we basically never see or talk to them (see item #1 above), so this is not my problem. If DH feels bad about some tension with his family (which he periodically does), he can put more time into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.

... except that no one is saying this to men - only to women. How often do men initiate social events with their ILs, send gifts or cards, etc.?

~Mother of two sons

Few, if any, men have any interest in spending time with our IL’s. It’s a chore that we sometimes do, but if we never had to do it again, we’d be thrilled.

And, I agree that it’s unfair that women seem to have societal pressure to maintain a relationship with parents.

Assuming no estrangement, background of abusive behavior etc., do you think that maintaining relationships with extended family in any way, incuding e.g. holidays etc., is unnecessary unless someone has an interest in it?

[Anonymous]

I know 0 people IRL who have so much dislike for their in-laws. Who are you people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know 0 people IRL who have so much dislike for their in-laws. Who are you people?

Lol! You must not know many people, then! I can easily rattle off at least 9 people I know (neighbors, old coworkers, mom friends) with terrible in-laws!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know 0 people IRL who have so much dislike for their in-laws. Who are you people?

I like my ILs a lot. That doesn't mean that I should be the one taking on the emotional labor of remembering birthdays, sending gifts, sending flowers, arranging visits, planning vacations, etc. It's called division of labor: family connections are important to DH and to me, but we both work outside the home, and we have two kids. So we equally participate in family connections by each taking the lead on our own family. If we ever need help (like if one of us is slammed at work and asks the other to pick up a mother's day card while they are at the grocery store getting one for their own mom), we help each other. DH sometimes asks me for gift ideas, or bounces an idea off me. My DH took care of my mom's birthday present when I was recovering from a C-section.

Show me the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know 0 people IRL who have so much dislike for their in-laws. Who are you people?

Lol! You must not know many people, then! I can easily rattle off at least 9 people I know (neighbors, old coworkers, mom friends) with terrible in-laws!

Hahahah was gonna say the same thing... it actually helps me feel more normal that I have issues with mine, to hear how many other friends of mine have issues with theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.

... except that no one is saying this to men - only to women. How often do men initiate social events with their ILs, send gifts or cards, etc.?

~Mother of two sons

Few, if any, men have any interest in spending time with our IL’s. It’s a chore that we sometimes do, but if we never had to do it again, we’d be thrilled.

And, I agree that it’s unfair that women seem to have societal pressure to maintain a relationship with parents.

Assuming no estrangement, background of abusive behavior etc., do you think that maintaining relationships with extended family in any way, incuding e.g. holidays etc., is unnecessary unless someone has an interest in it?

Genereally speaking, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know 0 people IRL who have so much dislike for their in-laws. Who are you people?

Lol! You must not know many people, then! I can easily rattle off at least 9 people I know (neighbors, old coworkers, mom friends) with terrible in-laws!

Seriously. I think a part of it is that Gen X and younger women are less tolerant of bad behavior from their MIL's than previous generations. There used to be this notion that women were supposed to be deferential to their MIL's, but younger women don't buy that nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know 0 people IRL who have so much dislike for their in-laws. Who are you people?

Lol! You must not know many people, then! I can easily rattle off at least 9 people I know (neighbors, old coworkers, mom friends) with terrible in-laws!

Seriously. I think a part of it is that Gen X and younger women are less tolerant of bad behavior from their MIL's than previous generations. There used to be this notion that women were supposed to be deferential to their MIL's, but younger women don't buy that nonsense.

My guess is women who marry older than they used to in the past are less likely to bow to pressure. They are more confident, know themselves better, and aren't going to bend easily to a demanding MIL. They want to be seen and treated as equals. Women of previous generations who married younger were probably easier to manipulate for being young, unsure, and less confident. Just a guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know 0 people IRL who have so much dislike for their in-laws. Who are you people?

Really? I know more who feel that way than have good relationships.

I dropped the rope about 15 years ago. It took over a decade but it actually improved my relationship with my MIL. We can have pleasant phone conversations every few months now. There are no expectations. She’s not local.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.

... except that no one is saying this to men - only to women. How often do men initiate social events with their ILs, send gifts or cards, etc.?

~Mother of two sons

Few, if any, men have any interest in spending time with our IL’s. It’s a chore that we sometimes do, but if we never had to do it again, we’d be thrilled.

And, I agree that it’s unfair that women seem to have societal pressure to maintain a relationship with parents.

Assuming no estrangement, background of abusive behavior etc., do you think that maintaining relationships with extended family in any way, incuding e.g. holidays etc., is unnecessary unless someone has an interest in it?

Genereally speaking, yes.

Assuming that you are the PP quoted above, who in the family handles the work of organizing what's necessary to maintain those relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know 0 people IRL who have so much dislike for their in-laws. Who are you people?

You're the unicorn then. I know soooo many people with in-law issues. Myself included. I can totally relate to OP.