This generation of women dropping the rope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I'm sad for you, OP. You sound like a really ugly person inside and very unhappy. You may think that your post makes you sound strong but it really makes you sound petty and weak. Instead of trying to provide balance in relationships by equally honoring your parents and your husband's parents, you've chosen to act in a way that is ungenerous and spiteful. Your poor children. You're modeling for them narrow-minded and vindictive behavior. What an ugly person you are inside.

+1

[Anonymous]

I’m with you, OP.

A friend sent me this article and it resonated.
https://www.pickanytwo.net/the-invisible-burden-that-leaves-moms-drained/

[Anonymous]

I stopped getting involved with Christmas gifts for ILs a few years ago, so my husband runs around on December 23, every year like clockwork, scrambling to find something for his mom. Which is fine, he gets it done. But my MIL just assumes that I do the shopping, so if he gets her a crappy gift, it’s still my doing in her eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:pp again. omg ... Can you just stop?
I said I respect her. I said I'd encourage how she does it.
Geezzz!! you really look to criticize every little thing, don't you?

I mean, you're the one denying that you called a woman more than once when you should have been calling her husband. If you can't admit that you were part of the problem but have since shifted your approach, what is the point? If women can't admit they've been part of the problem, we won't find many solutions.

Wow. Get a hobby. I hear golf is nice.

You and PP only hear golf is nice because you don’t have hobbies beyond taking care of Hubby and his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I mean, what do you want? A medal?

It’s so odd that you seem proud of yourself here. And are acting like this is a common experience— it isn’t. I have never heard of a wife who was in charge of interactions with her husband’s family, exceptions for women who are generally hyper controlling and micromanaging in other aspects of their life. IMO you may have dropped the rope but you haven’t let go of the martyr mindset. What a strange post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how husbands make it wives’ responsibility to maintain relationships with their parents.

They don’t. There’s just some women who are overbearing and insist on taking it over and the men acquiesce. This isn’t common, though.

[Anonymous]

Well done op. I was 100% responsible for His family, planning everything etc.


best part of divorce is not having to buy those people who I never respected things anymore. In the four years since we split my children have seen his side of the family twice and he’s alienated from them, after demanding they sever ties with me. So now they have nothing. Choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In July of 2021, after being blamed of prioritizing my parents over her by my MIL to DH, I dropped the rope.

I can count on one hand the number of times DH has visited with our children over the past year.

We haven’t had a single visit as a family, because I haven’t planned it or encouraged he plan it.

Not a single dinner. Not one gift. No cards. No flowers. Because I haven’t purchased them.

I’m not even sure the last time he spoke to her, because I haven’t encouraged him to.

I wonder if deep down she realizes, even though she’d never admit it.

Ladies, do yourself a favor if you haven’t already and put the rope down. It’s heavy and you don’t need to carry it by yourself.

I mean, what do you want? A medal?

It’s so odd that you seem proud of yourself here. And are acting like this is a common experience— it isn’t. I have never heard of a wife who was in charge of interactions with her husband’s family, exceptions for women who are generally hyper controlling and micromanaging in other aspects of their life. IMO you may have dropped the rope but you haven’t let go of the martyr mindset. What a strange post.

I disagree with this. There is a widespread belief that women are in charge of family relationships. The pressure is real. Some women are fortunate, but many are not. Many of us have fought against this pressure and never gave in. But it’s there. In the same way that schools call the mom first when the child is sick even when both parents work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well done op. I was 100% responsible for His family, planning everything etc.


best part of divorce is not having to buy those people who I never respected things anymore. In the four years since we split my children have seen his side of the family twice and he’s alienated from them, after demanding they sever ties with me. So now they have nothing. Choices.

My in-laws treated me horribly. As a result, I never contacted them or included them in anything. They seem upset about the lack of involvement. There are consequences to behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.

... except that no one is saying this to men - only to women. How often do men initiate social events with their ILs, send gifts or cards, etc.?

~Mother of two sons

Few, if any, men have any interest in spending time with our IL’s. It’s a chore that we sometimes do, but if we never had to do it again, we’d be thrilled.

And, I agree that it’s unfair that women seem to have societal pressure to maintain a relationship with parents.

I propose we stop with this whole “his family IS your family” stuff, too. You know what? I have a family, and while I like my ILs and am especially friendly with my SIL, I didn’t meet any of them until I was 29. By then I was a fully formed adult with family, friends, coworkers, interests, experiences, traditions, etc. DH and I have basically adopted the best of each other’s traditions and family connections and family expectations, and leave the rest. So no, I will not be going on every camping trip with my ILs, because I don’t like camping, but I do love their holiday traditions. I do not need to be close or make an effort with DH’s particularly weird aunt Because Family, just like he doesn’t have to feign closeness with my rather aloof brother.

Huh. So after 29, you have determined that you will never, ever have new friends? Well, God forbid anyone ever try to make friends with you. I'm sure they'll be happy once you clarify with them that you are already "a fully formed adult with family, friends, coworkers, interests, experiences, traditions, etc." They'll be relieved.

Why don’t you say all this to the men/SIL’s too?

[Anonymous]

Logistically I can only handle one set of elderly parents who don’t travel and therefore have to be visited. Once a year I take a week of leave and take the kids to visit my family who live 12 hours away. The kids haven’t seen my husbands parents in 10 years because he doesn’t take them to visit his parents. When he has proposed bringing the children to visit them they have responded that they have a lot of yard work and chores for him to do when he visits and the children would
Be
In the way. Seems weird to me but it’s their choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.

... except that no one is saying this to men - only to women. How often do men initiate social events with their ILs, send gifts or cards, etc.?

~Mother of two sons

Few, if any, men have any interest in spending time with our IL’s. It’s a chore that we sometimes do, but if we never had to do it again, we’d be thrilled.

And, I agree that it’s unfair that women seem to have societal pressure to maintain a relationship with parents.

Do you think it’s about interest in spending time time with our in-laws?

For many women it is not because we have an “interest”; it is about familial duty and obligation. I have no interest in spending time with my in-laws but recognize that it’s a necessary part of maintaining family relationships (most especially for our kids). Women don’t manage these things because we want to spend time with our husbands families, we do it because it’s a chore that needs to be done.

We don’t have an “interest” in grocery shopping either, but it needs to be done.

Why do only women feel the societal pressure? Why don’t you feel that pressure, given that it is your family?

PP. You don’t need to do any of it. I told my wife early on, I don’t care about anyone’s birthdays other than our nuclear family’s. It took her a while to accept it, because she’d been brainwashed early on by her family. Eventually she got it.

Grocery shopping is necessary, because your family needs to eat. Sending birthday cards or Christmas gifts to some narcissistic Baby Boomers is not.

What about getting together with families at holidays, or for that matter, planning the holidays for your own family? Does that not matter?

When your parents and ILs are old and feeble, it's unnecessary to visit or otherwise pay any attention to them. Is that what you are saying?

It's not about Christmas gifts and birthday cards. It's about family relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ummm…Why did you pick up the rope in the first place?

My husband has always been in charge of communicating with his family and I’m only responsible for my parents and siblings.

Well, goodie for you. Your superiority badge is in the mail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I must be unicorns. We both do our share of planning and card sending and phone calling. Never been an issue.

Same here. We love each others’ families. I tend to make the kids do thank you cards for both sides because I care about that, and DH is better at arranging birthday cards or whatever. He had the kids make get well cards for my mom when she was in the hospital. That sort of thing never occurs to me but she loved them of course. He’s a thoughtful person. Obviously it helps that both sets of parents are great people. I do let him convey disappointing news to his parents, and vice versa. Like telling them they can’t visit at x time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm…Why did you pick up the rope in the first place?

My husband has always been in charge of communicating with his family and I’m only responsible for my parents and siblings.

Well, goodie for you. Your superiority badge is in the mail.

You disagree that she's superior to the OP? She *is*.

This martyr crap, though? It's beyond the pale. Knock it off.

"Oh, I set a dynamic and then I decided the dynamic was bad so I petulantly changed the dynamic and now I hope everyone suffers and I REALLY hope that pill of a MIL discovers what she was taking for granted and I expect to be fully validated for my obnoxious behavior."

Spare me. PP *is* superior. She did it right. OP is a freak.