Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?

[Anonymous]

What did you want them to bring? Something for the meal? THAT would be VERY weird and take them off of my list entirely. Something like a hostess gift? Whatever. Some people were raised by wolves and have no idea they're supposed to bring a hostess gift (something that is NOT supposed to be part of the meal and that is to be used by the hosts later).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way I was raised, it is standard to bring a gift that is not expected to be part of the meal, even if you ask what you can bring to be part of the meal, and are told “nothing”. What that means is the hosts doesn’t need an extra dish on the table, not that you shouldn’t thank them for inviting you.

That said:

it’s also perfectly ok to do the thank you gift AFTER the event (say drop off flowers the next day), and

the etiquette rules are more casual with people we are closer with, and see more often. If I happen to be in my best friends neighborhood and they say to stop by for lunch or a drink I’ll do so, even if I don’t have anything with me, but I might bring two bottles of wine, or wine and flowers, another night when I’m invited for dinner.

Please thank me verbally, with a note, or by inviting me to your house in return. I do not want physical gifts.

That's fine, but etiquette dictates bringing something, and there are those hosts who *will* be offended by empty-handed guests, so it's wise to err on the side of caution and bring wine/flowers/etc.

I much prefer NO hostess gift to guests who bring something edible that they want used at dinner. My SIL and brother do this and my SIL has had meltdowns and feels slighted when the host accepts the (usually) dessert and doesn't serve it. She gets completely miffed. And my brother, who should know better, enables the behavior. Obviously they're being rude in their presumption and expectations but no amount of discussion about it will dissuade them.

[Anonymous]

Really good friends, I bring something if I have it on hand. We get together often enough that there’s ebb and flow. Acquaintances, I’m sure to bring wine or a pastry they can enjoy at another time. But if I ask and you say not to bring something, I absolutely will not.

[Anonymous]

I notice if someone coming to my home for dinner the first time comes empty handed. I also notice if friends who come frequently always come empty handed. (Talking to you, Phil.)

But it's no big deal. I always try to bring a bottle of wine and/or flowers, but I have days where that doesn't happen and all I can give is my undying gratitude that someone else is making me dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you offer the leftovers or did they ask for it.

They asked for it

Whoa, that's a bit crass.
While the guests are not intentionally rude, they surely lack in the charm department.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, my parents never entertained or had people over. And we never went to other people's houses for meals or events. They were introverted homebodies. So I never learned what was good manners in terms of hosting or being a guest. My husband used to tease me about this...don't you know we should get some wine? Don't you know to offer snacks? And one day I had to say: you know my parents! Do you really think I ever learned these kind of things? (His parents entertained often while he was growing up.) I mean, I went to friends' houses but that was more casual. My parents never modeled to me what it was to be a good host or a good guest.

All that to say some people just may not know what the protocol is. Now I know to bring wine, and I don't expect it to be opened at the meal...it's a gift. I know to offer water or drinks if someone comes over. You may think these are things people should know naturally but not necessarily so! There are people like me who were never exposed to this aspect of manners.

There isn't really a manners protocol although it seems like there is sometimes.
The whole premise of these etiquette guides is doing things to help put others at ease. How to show hospitality to guests (water, a drink, availabe handtowels and enough TP in the bathroom, etc..). What sort of things to say when meeting a stranger for the first time (eye contact, try to find a common topic, inquire about safe issues like how was your trip?). How to be a good guest (don't come off as a freeloader, bring something to contribute to the get-together, etc.., even a bag of chips and oreos is welcomed by the kids).
It's all about greasing social interactions.
Just like relationships are characterized by giving and taking, I find etiquette to be like that too. Don't just be a taker.

[Anonymous]

In other countries Many people find anything resembling a potluck including contributing to a meal very bizarre. I do e we though I understand it’s typical American
It’s like telling your host you aren’t sure they will have enough to eat.
Same with flowers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

That didn't happen, OP added that to justify her outrage.

Maybe it did happen? I know it would never be done in my circles, but I think in other cultures (aside from white/jewish) it's common to leave with "a plate" for later.

Down home (not rich) Southern people both white and black will send you with a plate. And it's freaking delicious food. I'm hungry for ham and yams now...

To leave with a plate, to be sent home with a plate, sure. This is particularly common in certain cultures and is common for large gatherings and potlucks. I think it is rude to ask to take home leftovers, not to accept leftovers that are offered.

Did OP say if the guests asked or were given leftovers b.c the hosting family offered?

Pp I saw posts responding to that effect but I don’t see that written in the original post. If OP offered, the guests were in no way rude for accepting. OP, did the guests ask for leftovers or did you offer them? If the latter they weren’t being rude.

They asked! Rude.

[Anonymous]

I ask if they say no, I don't bring anything.

And I don't want people bringing me anything. Really I don't. Because then I have to remember to write a thank you note, but I will inevitably forget and then remember and then forget again and feel guilty. Showing up and having fun is a perfect gift as far as I am concerned.

[Anonymous]

I always bring something, but think it is beyond rude when people bring food to my parties and expect me to serve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way I was raised, it is standard to bring a gift that is not expected to be part of the meal, even if you ask what you can bring to be part of the meal, and are told “nothing”. What that means is the hosts doesn’t need an extra dish on the table, not that you shouldn’t thank them for inviting you.

That said:

it’s also perfectly ok to do the thank you gift AFTER the event (say drop off flowers the next day), and

the etiquette rules are more casual with people we are closer with, and see more often. If I happen to be in my best friends neighborhood and they say to stop by for lunch or a drink I’ll do so, even if I don’t have anything with me, but I might bring two bottles of wine, or wine and flowers, another night when I’m invited for dinner.

Please thank me verbally, with a note, or by inviting me to your house in return. I do not want physical gifts.

That's fine, but etiquette dictates bringing something, and there are those hosts who *will* be offended by empty-handed guests, so it's wise to err on the side of caution and bring wine/flowers/etc.

Etiquette does NOT dictate, actually. Etiquette simply means putting yourself in other's shoes to do what's most comfortable for them. Over time, etiquette was codified into a set of "rules", but that's only because the upper strata of western society was at one point much more homogeneous (white Christian, all went to the same schools, etc), and everyone all expected the same thing. Nowadays, it's most definitely not the case, so if someone does not respect those "rules" but is otherwise a helpful and charming friend, it would be inappropriate to feel offended.

My point is this: too often on DCUM people mistake empty gestures for actual integrity and loyalty. Please do not fall into that trap. Do not dismiss people who fail to write thank you letters, or who fail to bring you wine at every dinner party. Perhaps the friends who don't do that but are there for you in times of need are more worthy of your affection.

Oh my god, can you read?! I said I don’t expect anything, but so many people do that it is quite the simpler and safer approach to bring something. It covers your ass in the case that your hostess does expect a gift. Someone is cooking for you, it’s not that hard to swing by the wine shop or florist on your way to their house. I’d always rather be guilty of a sin of commission than of omission.

[Anonymous]

As you can see here, OP, many of us would not find it rude and were never taught to bring something to a person’s house for a meal

Obviously, they have no idea that you would consider it rude.

The only question is, do you like their company? If so, invite them again knowing that they will bring their conversation and company, not a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ask if they say no, I don't bring anything.

And I don't want people bringing me anything. Really I don't. Because then I have to remember to write a thank you note, but I will inevitably forget and then remember and then forget again and feel guilty. Showing up and having fun is a perfect gift as far as I am concerned.

You don’t have to write a thank you note for a hostess gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way I was raised, it is standard to bring a gift that is not expected to be part of the meal, even if you ask what you can bring to be part of the meal, and are told “nothing”. What that means is the hosts doesn’t need an extra dish on the table, not that you shouldn’t thank them for inviting you.

That said:

it’s also perfectly ok to do the thank you gift AFTER the event (say drop off flowers the next day), and

the etiquette rules are more casual with people we are closer with, and see more often. If I happen to be in my best friends neighborhood and they say to stop by for lunch or a drink I’ll do so, even if I don’t have anything with me, but I might bring two bottles of wine, or wine and flowers, another night when I’m invited for dinner.

Please thank me verbally, with a note, or by inviting me to your house in return. I do not want physical gifts.

That's fine, but etiquette dictates bringing something, and there are those hosts who *will* be offended by empty-handed guests, so it's wise to err on the side of caution and bring wine/flowers/etc.

Etiquette does NOT dictate, actually. Etiquette simply means putting yourself in other's shoes to do what's most comfortable for them. Over time, etiquette was codified into a set of "rules", but that's only because the upper strata of western society was at one point much more homogeneous (white Christian, all went to the same schools, etc), and everyone all expected the same thing. Nowadays, it's most definitely not the case, so if someone does not respect those "rules" but is otherwise a helpful and charming friend, it would be inappropriate to feel offended.

My point is this: too often on DCUM people mistake empty gestures for actual integrity and loyalty. Please do not fall into that trap. Do not dismiss people who fail to write thank you letters, or who fail to bring you wine at every dinner party. Perhaps the friends who don't do that but are there for you in times of need are more worthy of your affection.

Best answer right here.

^Agreed. But. I believe what most people are reacting to in OP's post is they brought nothing and then asked to take leftovers home.

[Anonymous]

I have no issue with people not bringing anything. I don't find it rude at all, people get busy and if I invited them I plan on providing a nice meal and drinks. When invited to others, I always offer to bring something and if they say no need to, I still bring a bottle of wine or flowers, but that's just me.