Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, my parents never entertained or had people over. And we never went to other people's houses for meals or events. They were introverted homebodies. So I never learned what was good manners in terms of hosting or being a guest. My husband used to tease me about this...don't you know we should get some wine? Don't you know to offer snacks? And one day I had to say: you know my parents! Do you really think I ever learned these kind of things? (His parents entertained often while he was growing up.) I mean, I went to friends' houses but that was more casual. My parents never modeled to me what it was to be a good host or a good guest.

All that to say some people just may not know what the protocol is. Now I know to bring wine, and I don't expect it to be opened at the meal...it's a gift. I know to offer water or drinks if someone comes over. You may think these are things people should know naturally but not necessarily so! There are people like me who were never exposed to this aspect of manners.

+1 It is both class-based and regional. I grew up in another area, where things are much more casual. My parents had a limited social circle of mostly MC/LMC friends. I did learn any of the expectations of the East Coast UMC social scene until law school.

IDK, I live in the midwest and things are much more casual here with respect to things like "make yourself at home!" and "help yourselves to anything in the fridge!" but we definitely all do hostess gifts.

For those used to more structure to feel comfortable, I usually make people their first beverage and then tell them to make themselves at home for the rest of the evening.

I do agree that it is class-based. My dad's family is the worst, the men just order the women to get what they want. ugh!

[Anonymous]

I tell my friends to get their sweet, relaxed selves and enjoy the evening. I love it when people have a fun evening, when they like the food enough to take the leftovers, and when laughter and jokes flow at the table.

For me, the ability to have a clean and decorated house, cook fabulous food and serve the best wine, pack leftovers for people to take home and finally end a successful evening by cleaning up and leaving the house spotless once the guests leave - is immensely satisfying. It probably is a bit of a flex too because in my mind it means that I am running a smooth and functional household and my kids are benefiting by living in such a household and learning how to socialize and host organically.

The truth is that majority of people in this country do not entertain because it requires effort, money, time, expertise, health and being functional. Also, most people do not have a social circle where there is an expectation to engage in social reciprocation.

Generally people get super stressed about it. Do you all not realize how hosting Thanksgiving for their own families make people want to slit their wrists that there are TG hotlines set up? People do not know how to host because they have not seen it in their lives. It is overwhelming. They have also not been taught how to be good guests. Hospitality is not a WASP American trait. Thank God for the immigrants!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

It used to drive me INSANE when my SIL would come to a big family dinner (three familes -- all related) and pack up leftovers for each of her GROWN sons, who were too busy to come to the family dinner. She brought tupperware with her just for that purpose.

My feeling - if you're too busy to come to the dinner, you don't get to eat the dinner.

My SIL also did this once. We had her over for brunch and had just a bit of food left over and she asked if she could take a Tupperware with the leftovers to eat later. I obliged but was surprised. I had put in the effort of cleaning and cooking and was going to enjoy the leftovers, myself. IMO it’s rude to ask for leftovers to take home unless the host offers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a bunch of freeloaders in DC. I have not had this done to me but have witnessed it and I am always surprised. I think a lot of people here just don't have manners.

As a general rule, I would never go to a dinner empty handed and if I did I wouldn't take food home. The only time I can see this being ok is if it were w/ immediate family.

Agreed, I would never expect my kids to bring me something, but I do always take my parents something when we go visit....and they usually load me up with venison and produce when I leave (they live on a farm).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tell my friends to get their sweet, relaxed selves and enjoy the evening. I love it when people have a fun evening, when they like the food enough to take the leftovers, and when laughter and jokes flow at the table.

For me, the ability to have a clean and decorated house, cook fabulous food and serve the best wine, pack leftovers for people to take home and finally end a successful evening by cleaning up and leaving the house spotless once the guests leave - is immensely satisfying. It probably is a bit of a flex too because in my mind it means that I am running a smooth and functional household and my kids are benefiting by living in such a household and learning how to socialize and host organically.

The truth is that majority of people in this country do not entertain because it requires effort, money, time, expertise, health and being functional. Also, most people do not have a social circle where there is an expectation to engage in social reciprocation.

Generally people get super stressed about it. Do you all not realize how hosting Thanksgiving for their own families make people want to slit their wrists that there are TG hotlines set up? People do not know how to host because they have not seen it in their lives. It is overwhelming. They have also not been taught how to be good guests. Hospitality is not a WASP American trait. Thank God for the immigrants!!

As a WASP, I disagree with your blanket statement. I think it has more to do with class and life experience. I also think it much rarer to not understand basics than DCUM likes to think. Maybe everyone is just too busy to enjoy hosting there? I host a ton and it doesn't stress me out at all. I'm an introvert married to an extrovert, and I actually love hosting because I get to orchestrate the fun in a space I am comfortable in, and enjoy making people happy. I hate going to parties at other people's houses for that reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

It used to drive me INSANE when my SIL would come to a big family dinner (three familes -- all related) and pack up leftovers for each of her GROWN sons, who were too busy to come to the family dinner. She brought tupperware with her just for that purpose.

My feeling - if you're too busy to come to the dinner, you don't get to eat the dinner.

My SIL also did this once. We had her over for brunch and had just a bit of food left over and she asked if she could take a Tupperware with the leftovers to eat later. I obliged but was surprised. I had put in the effort of cleaning and cooking and was going to enjoy the leftovers, myself. IMO it’s rude to ask for leftovers to take home unless the host offers.

Incredibly rude!

[Anonymous]

I host a lot and most times people bring something but if they don’t, I don’t think I’ve ever even noticed. I invite people because I enjoy their company, not because they’re going to bring wine or chocolates or flowers. When I’m invited I always ask what I can bring and if they say nothing I take that at face value and am actually relieved to have a night off. I do have a friend that I’ve stopped asking that though because on more than one occasion she has asked me to bring one of the main courses that I make that she really likes, and it’s fairly involved. I’ve obliged but I thought that was weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We entertain often and most people bring something but I certainly don't keep track and it's not expected. I find it happens more often when we have big events (like a holiday party). I was always taught that people reciprocate rather than bring gifts. But that doesn't always happen so the hostess gift was born to reduce the need to reciprocate.

I am honestly not a big fan of hostess gifts. It's often food we don't eat, or wine that isn't very good, or some trinket we don't need. I think there are some hostess gifts that just go into rotation - probably show up at 4 houses before someone finally stops the chain.

Most things are just re-gifted or donated here. I really prefer you just come. Do you think I really want another candle??

No, that was my point. I don't want it either, and the lack of a hostess gift is actually welcome in my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way I was raised, it is standard to bring a gift that is not expected to be part of the meal, even if you ask what you can bring to be part of the meal, and are told “nothing”. What that means is the hosts doesn’t need an extra dish on the table, not that you shouldn’t thank them for inviting you.

That said:

it’s also perfectly ok to do the thank you gift AFTER the event (say drop off flowers the next day), and

the etiquette rules are more casual with people we are closer with, and see more often. If I happen to be in my best friends neighborhood and they say to stop by for lunch or a drink I’ll do so, even if I don’t have anything with me, but I might bring two bottles of wine, or wine and flowers, another night when I’m invited for dinner.

Please thank me verbally, with a note, or by inviting me to your house in return. I do not want physical gifts.

That's fine, but etiquette dictates bringing something, and there are those hosts who *will* be offended by empty-handed guests, so it's wise to err on the side of caution and bring wine/flowers/etc.

Etiquette does NOT dictate, actually. Etiquette simply means putting yourself in other's shoes to do what's most comfortable for them. Over time, etiquette was codified into a set of "rules", but that's only because the upper strata of western society was at one point much more homogeneous (white Christian, all went to the same schools, etc), and everyone all expected the same thing. Nowadays, it's most definitely not the case, so if someone does not respect those "rules" but is otherwise a helpful and charming friend, it would be inappropriate to feel offended.

My point is this: too often on DCUM people mistake empty gestures for actual integrity and loyalty. Please do not fall into that trap. Do not dismiss people who fail to write thank you letters, or who fail to bring you wine at every dinner party. Perhaps the friends who don't do that but are there for you in times of need are more worthy of your affection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

That didn't happen, OP added that to justify her outrage.

Maybe it did happen? I know it would never be done in my circles, but I think in other cultures (aside from white/jewish) it's common to leave with "a plate" for later.

Down home (not rich) Southern people both white and black will send you with a plate. And it's freaking delicious food. I'm hungry for ham and yams now...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

That didn't happen, OP added that to justify her outrage.

Maybe it did happen? I know it would never be done in my circles, but I think in other cultures (aside from white/jewish) it's common to leave with "a plate" for later.

Down home (not rich) Southern people both white and black will send you with a plate. And it's freaking delicious food. I'm hungry for ham and yams now...

To leave with a plate, to be sent home with a plate, sure. This is particularly common in certain cultures and is common for large gatherings and potlucks. I think it is rude to ask to take home leftovers, not to accept leftovers that are offered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

It used to drive me INSANE when my SIL would come to a big family dinner (three familes -- all related) and pack up leftovers for each of her GROWN sons, who were too busy to come to the family dinner. She brought tupperware with her just for that purpose.

My feeling - if you're too busy to come to the dinner, you don't get to eat the dinner.

My SIL also did this once. We had her over for brunch and had just a bit of food left over and she asked if she could take a Tupperware with the leftovers to eat later. I obliged but was surprised. I had put in the effort of cleaning and cooking and was going to enjoy the leftovers, myself. IMO it’s rude to ask for leftovers to take home unless the host offers.

This is so rude and thoughtless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

That didn't happen, OP added that to justify her outrage.

Maybe it did happen? I know it would never be done in my circles, but I think in other cultures (aside from white/jewish) it's common to leave with "a plate" for later.

Down home (not rich) Southern people both white and black will send you with a plate. And it's freaking delicious food. I'm hungry for ham and yams now...

To leave with a plate, to be sent home with a plate, sure. This is particularly common in certain cultures and is common for large gatherings and potlucks. I think it is rude to ask to take home leftovers, not to accept leftovers that are offered.

Did OP say if the guests asked or were given leftovers b.c the hosting family offered?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

That didn't happen, OP added that to justify her outrage.

Maybe it did happen? I know it would never be done in my circles, but I think in other cultures (aside from white/jewish) it's common to leave with "a plate" for later.

Down home (not rich) Southern people both white and black will send you with a plate. And it's freaking delicious food. I'm hungry for ham and yams now...

To leave with a plate, to be sent home with a plate, sure. This is particularly common in certain cultures and is common for large gatherings and potlucks. I think it is rude to ask to take home leftovers, not to accept leftovers that are offered.

Did OP say if the guests asked or were given leftovers b.c the hosting family offered?

Pp I saw posts responding to that effect but I don’t see that written in the original post. If OP offered, the guests were in no way rude for accepting. OP, did the guests ask for leftovers or did you offer them? If the latter they weren’t being rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way I was raised, it is standard to bring a gift that is not expected to be part of the meal, even if you ask what you can bring to be part of the meal, and are told “nothing”. What that means is the hosts doesn’t need an extra dish on the table, not that you shouldn’t thank them for inviting you.

That said:

it’s also perfectly ok to do the thank you gift AFTER the event (say drop off flowers the next day), and

the etiquette rules are more casual with people we are closer with, and see more often. If I happen to be in my best friends neighborhood and they say to stop by for lunch or a drink I’ll do so, even if I don’t have anything with me, but I might bring two bottles of wine, or wine and flowers, another night when I’m invited for dinner.

Please thank me verbally, with a note, or by inviting me to your house in return. I do not want physical gifts.

That's fine, but etiquette dictates bringing something, and there are those hosts who *will* be offended by empty-handed guests, so it's wise to err on the side of caution and bring wine/flowers/etc.

Etiquette does NOT dictate, actually. Etiquette simply means putting yourself in other's shoes to do what's most comfortable for them. Over time, etiquette was codified into a set of "rules", but that's only because the upper strata of western society was at one point much more homogeneous (white Christian, all went to the same schools, etc), and everyone all expected the same thing. Nowadays, it's most definitely not the case, so if someone does not respect those "rules" but is otherwise a helpful and charming friend, it would be inappropriate to feel offended.

My point is this: too often on DCUM people mistake empty gestures for actual integrity and loyalty. Please do not fall into that trap. Do not dismiss people who fail to write thank you letters, or who fail to bring you wine at every dinner party. Perhaps the friends who don't do that but are there for you in times of need are more worthy of your affection.

Best answer right here.