Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?

[Anonymous]

Growing up, my parents never entertained or had people over. And we never went to other people's houses for meals or events. They were introverted homebodies. So I never learned what was good manners in terms of hosting or being a guest. My husband used to tease me about this...don't you know we should get some wine? Don't you know to offer snacks? And one day I had to say: you know my parents! Do you really think I ever learned these kind of things? (His parents entertained often while he was growing up.) I mean, I went to friends' houses but that was more casual. My parents never modeled to me what it was to be a good host or a good guest.

All that to say some people just may not know what the protocol is. Now I know to bring wine, and I don't expect it to be opened at the meal...it's a gift. I know to offer water or drinks if someone comes over. You may think these are things people should know naturally but not necessarily so! There are people like me who were never exposed to this aspect of manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way I was raised, it is standard to bring a gift that is not expected to be part of the meal, even if you ask what you can bring to be part of the meal, and are told “nothing”. What that means is the hosts doesn’t need an extra dish on the table, not that you shouldn’t thank them for inviting you.

That said:

it’s also perfectly ok to do the thank you gift AFTER the event (say drop off flowers the next day), and

the etiquette rules are more casual with people we are closer with, and see more often. If I happen to be in my best friends neighborhood and they say to stop by for lunch or a drink I’ll do so, even if I don’t have anything with me, but I might bring two bottles of wine, or wine and flowers, another night when I’m invited for dinner.

Please thank me verbally, with a note, or by inviting me to your house in return. I do not want physical gifts.

That's fine, but etiquette dictates bringing something, and there are those hosts who *will* be offended by empty-handed guests, so it's wise to err on the side of caution and bring wine/flowers/etc.

NP - I completely disagree. If I invite someone to my home, I do not expect anything from them whatsoever except for their pleasant company. Expecting a gift from an invited guest is gauche and crude, and reflects poorly on the host, in my opinion. If my guests do show up with something, I thank them of course, but I never expect anything.

I also don’t expect anything, but obviously many people do, so it is safer to err on the side of bringing something. I don’t know why this is such a difficult concept to grasp. I’d rather my host be put out by having to deal with my gift than my host thinking I was raised by wolves.

I'd rather not be friends with a tacky host who thinks guests are "raised by wolves."

[Anonymous]

Yes and it’s fine. I do not need a candle or a gift - I invited you to dinner because I enjoy your company.

Flowers are the best gift if they feel they must bring something. Nothing elaborate. I have a friend who brings me hydrangeas from her yard.

[Anonymous]

Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, my parents never entertained or had people over. And we never went to other people's houses for meals or events. They were introverted homebodies. So I never learned what was good manners in terms of hosting or being a guest. My husband used to tease me about this...don't you know we should get some wine? Don't you know to offer snacks? And one day I had to say: you know my parents! Do you really think I ever learned these kind of things? (His parents entertained often while he was growing up.) I mean, I went to friends' houses but that was more casual. My parents never modeled to me what it was to be a good host or a good guest.

All that to say some people just may not know what the protocol is. Now I know to bring wine, and I don't expect it to be opened at the meal...it's a gift. I know to offer water or drinks if someone comes over. You may think these are things people should know naturally but not necessarily so! There are people like me who were never exposed to this aspect of manners.

I don't understand you. Sure, maybe you didn't grow up entertaining or going to people's homes, but after your husband said something the very first time didn't you clock that going forward you should bring something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

That didn't happen, OP added that to justify her outrage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

I would never ask but my accept if offered? Lots of cookies left...would your kids like some for tomorrow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

That didn't happen, OP added that to justify her outrage.

Maybe it did happen? I know it would never be done in my circles, but I think in other cultures (aside from white/jewish) it's common to leave with "a plate" for later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, my parents never entertained or had people over. And we never went to other people's houses for meals or events. They were introverted homebodies. So I never learned what was good manners in terms of hosting or being a guest. My husband used to tease me about this...don't you know we should get some wine? Don't you know to offer snacks? And one day I had to say: you know my parents! Do you really think I ever learned these kind of things? (His parents entertained often while he was growing up.) I mean, I went to friends' houses but that was more casual. My parents never modeled to me what it was to be a good host or a good guest.

All that to say some people just may not know what the protocol is. Now I know to bring wine, and I don't expect it to be opened at the meal...it's a gift. I know to offer water or drinks if someone comes over. You may think these are things people should know naturally but not necessarily so! There are people like me who were never exposed to this aspect of manners.

+1 It is both class-based and regional. I grew up in another area, where things are much more casual. My parents had a limited social circle of mostly MC/LMC friends. I did learn any of the expectations of the East Coast UMC social scene until law school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

It used to drive me INSANE when my SIL would come to a big family dinner (three familes -- all related) and pack up leftovers for each of her GROWN sons, who were too busy to come to the family dinner. She brought tupperware with her just for that purpose.

My feeling - if you're too busy to come to the dinner, you don't get to eat the dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, my parents never entertained or had people over. And we never went to other people's houses for meals or events. They were introverted homebodies. So I never learned what was good manners in terms of hosting or being a guest. My husband used to tease me about this...don't you know we should get some wine? Don't you know to offer snacks? And one day I had to say: you know my parents! Do you really think I ever learned these kind of things? (His parents entertained often while he was growing up.) I mean, I went to friends' houses but that was more casual. My parents never modeled to me what it was to be a good host or a good guest.

All that to say some people just may not know what the protocol is. Now I know to bring wine, and I don't expect it to be opened at the meal...it's a gift. I know to offer water or drinks if someone comes over. You may think these are things people should know naturally but not necessarily so! There are people like me who were never exposed to this aspect of manners.

+1 It is both class-based and regional. I grew up in another area, where things are much more casual. My parents had a limited social circle of mostly MC/LMC friends. I did learn any of the expectations of the East Coast UMC social scene until law school.

Sorry--should have said "did *not* learn"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way I was raised, it is standard to bring a gift that is not expected to be part of the meal, even if you ask what you can bring to be part of the meal, and are told “nothing”. What that means is the hosts doesn’t need an extra dish on the table, not that you shouldn’t thank them for inviting you.

That said:

it’s also perfectly ok to do the thank you gift AFTER the event (say drop off flowers the next day), and

the etiquette rules are more casual with people we are closer with, and see more often. If I happen to be in my best friends neighborhood and they say to stop by for lunch or a drink I’ll do so, even if I don’t have anything with me, but I might bring two bottles of wine, or wine and flowers, another night when I’m invited for dinner.

Please thank me verbally, with a note, or by inviting me to your house in return. I do not want physical gifts.

That's fine, but etiquette dictates bringing something, and there are those hosts who *will* be offended by empty-handed guests, so it's wise to err on the side of caution and bring wine/flowers/etc.

NP - I completely disagree. If I invite someone to my home, I do not expect anything from them whatsoever except for their pleasant company. Expecting a gift from an invited guest is gauche and crude, and reflects poorly on the host, in my opinion. If my guests do show up with something, I thank them of course, but I never expect anything.

I also don’t expect anything, but obviously many people do, so it is safer to err on the side of bringing something. I don’t know why this is such a difficult concept to grasp. I’d rather my host be put out by having to deal with my gift than my host thinking I was raised by wolves.

Absolutely. I am the first poster who said people on here seem raised by wolves. As a hostess (I host weekly or more!), I don't expect or keep track of who brings a gift and who doesn't. Not something that would offend me -- but it WOULD offend a lot of people, and I'd rather err on the side of classic etiquette unless I have specifically heard that host family absolutely can't stand hostess gifts as a philosophical matter or something (never happens except on DCUM).

I do always choose something homemade (I make a lot of preserves, etc. because we have an orchard) and/or disposable, like wine/chocolates/etc. Nothing permanent and no flowers. If a hostess hates it, they can toss it in the trash after the event and no harm done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

I would never ask but my accept if offered? Lots of cookies left...would your kids like some for tomorrow?

Pp, yes I agree. Completely fine to offer and accept leftovers. But the guests really proactively asked for leftovers to take home? This is the one piece of the story that I would consider to be bad manners. Nothing to throw a fit over but somewhat entitled behavior.

[Anonymous]

It is…odd….that two separate people from two separate meals would have actively solicited leftovers to take home. I do wonder if the earlier PP had a point about it being added for a dramatic flourish.

[Anonymous]

There are a bunch of freeloaders in DC. I have not had this done to me but have witnessed it and I am always surprised. I think a lot of people here just don't have manners.

As a general rule, I would never go to a dinner empty handed and if I did I wouldn't take food home. The only time I can see this being ok is if it were w/ immediate family.