Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

That didn't happen, OP added that to justify her outrage.

Maybe it did happen? I know it would never be done in my circles, but I think in other cultures (aside from white/jewish) it's common to leave with "a plate" for later.

Down home (not rich) Southern people both white and black will send you with a plate. And it's freaking delicious food. I'm hungry for ham and yams now...

I grew up in the south with relatives on both sides of the poverty line. People did not come to meals, pot lucks, family reunions, holidays etc expecting left overs. Never. Many times they were offered but the most you'd get was a paper plate with some food. No one ever bought their own tupperware.

Oh no you don't bring Tupperware or even ask for leftovers! I agree with that but I was very often fixed a paper plate to go.

[Anonymous]

I always try to at least bring a bottle of wine, but I would never hold it against someone who didn't. I invited them to enjoy their company, not to get stuff from them. However, that is how I feel about basically all etiquette things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:The way I was raised, it is standard to bring a gift that is not expected to be part of the meal, even if you ask what you can bring to be part of the meal, and are told “nothing”. What that means is the hosts doesn’t need an extra dish on the table, not that you shouldn’t thank them for inviting you.

That said:

it’s also perfectly ok to do the thank you gift AFTER the event (say drop off flowers the next day), and

the etiquette rules are more casual with people we are closer with, and see more often. If I happen to be in my best friends neighborhood and they say to stop by for lunch or a drink I’ll do so, even if I don’t have anything with me, but I might bring two bottles of wine, or wine and flowers, another night when I’m invited for dinner.

Please thank me verbally, with a note, or by inviting me to your house in return. I do not want physical gifts.

That's fine, but etiquette dictates bringing something, and there are those hosts who *will* be offended by empty-handed guests, so it's wise to err on the side of caution and bring wine/flowers/etc.

Etiquette does NOT dictate, actually. Etiquette simply means putting yourself in other's shoes to do what's most comfortable for them. Over time, etiquette was codified into a set of "rules", but that's only because the upper strata of western society was at one point much more homogeneous (white Christian, all went to the same schools, etc), and everyone all expected the same thing. Nowadays, it's most definitely not the case, so if someone does not respect those "rules" but is otherwise a helpful and charming friend, it would be inappropriate to feel offended.

My point is this: too often on DCUM people mistake empty gestures for actual integrity and loyalty. Please do not fall into that trap. Do not dismiss people who fail to write thank you letters, or who fail to bring you wine at every dinner party. Perhaps the friends who don't do that but are there for you in times of need are more worthy of your affection.

Best answer right here.

+1. If you're offended by breaches of etiquette from otherwise kind and well-meaning people, you are missing the forest for the trees

[Anonymous]

It is terrible manners to bring a bottle of wine.

To do that is to insult your host's cellar, and imply it is not up to snuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is terrible manners to bring a bottle of wine.

To do that is to insult your host's cellar, and imply it is not up to snuff.

In what century was that? We are in the DMV, not in Bordeaux.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is terrible manners to bring a bottle of wine.

To do that is to insult your host's cellar, and imply it is not up to snuff.

By that logic, wouldn't it be terrible manners to bring anything? Implying that their meal is not up to snuff, or their decor, or whatever?

[Anonymous]

I never expect my friends to bring me anything. Grow up Scarlett O’Hara.

[Anonymous]

I don't have many friends here but I would NOT show up empty handed either fresh flowers, or dessert I would show up with something. I wouldn't bring alcohol though, assuming everyone drinks isn't in good taste I don't think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is terrible manners to bring a bottle of wine.

To do that is to insult your host's cellar, and imply it is not up to snuff.

??? No, you're wrong. The thought is that the wine is to be used by the hosts on another day when they are alone, in thanks for the event.

There is absolutely no thought at all that they should serve it that evening. That would be completely gauche. It is why the wine should be brought in a nice wine bag, handed to the host with "We love this wine. We hope that you enjoy this at some other time. Thank you so much for inviting us tonight!"

Some of you people have very odd perceptions about host gifts.

[Anonymous]

Don’t bring dessert unless you were asked to bring dessert, or offered and it was agreed. I typically will have a plan for dessert and will have worked on it, and now we have your dessert that I’ll feel obligated to serve instead.