Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way I was raised, it is standard to bring a gift that is not expected to be part of the meal, even if you ask what you can bring to be part of the meal, and are told “nothing”. What that means is the hosts doesn’t need an extra dish on the table, not that you shouldn’t thank them for inviting you.

That said:

it’s also perfectly ok to do the thank you gift AFTER the event (say drop off flowers the next day), and

the etiquette rules are more casual with people we are closer with, and see more often. If I happen to be in my best friends neighborhood and they say to stop by for lunch or a drink I’ll do so, even if I don’t have anything with me, but I might bring two bottles of wine, or wine and flowers, another night when I’m invited for dinner.

Please thank me verbally, with a note, or by inviting me to your house in return. I do not want physical gifts.

That's fine, but etiquette dictates bringing something, and there are those hosts who *will* be offended by empty-handed guests, so it's wise to err on the side of caution and bring wine/flowers/etc.

Etiquette does NOT dictate, actually. Etiquette simply means putting yourself in other's shoes to do what's most comfortable for them. Over time, etiquette was codified into a set of "rules", but that's only because the upper strata of western society was at one point much more homogeneous (white Christian, all went to the same schools, etc), and everyone all expected the same thing. Nowadays, it's most definitely not the case, so if someone does not respect those "rules" but is otherwise a helpful and charming friend, it would be inappropriate to feel offended.

My point is this: too often on DCUM people mistake empty gestures for actual integrity and loyalty. Please do not fall into that trap. Do not dismiss people who fail to write thank you letters, or who fail to bring you wine at every dinner party. Perhaps the friends who don't do that but are there for you in times of need are more worthy of your affection.

Best answer right here.

^Agreed. But. I believe what most people are reacting to in OP's post is they brought nothing and then asked to take leftovers home.

+1. Very few people would be offended by someone not bringing a hostess gift. Most of the responses, if not all of them, confirm this. Asking to take home leftovers from the meal your host cooked is rude. And no, it is not rude to take leftovers if they offer but it is rude to ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ask if they say no, I don't bring anything.

And I don't want people bringing me anything. Really I don't. Because then I have to remember to write a thank you note, but I will inevitably forget and then remember and then forget again and feel guilty. Showing up and having fun is a perfect gift as far as I am concerned.

You don’t have to write a thank you note for a hostess gift.

Yeah, never heard of anyone doing that. Conversely, does anyone write a thank you for being invited to dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no issue with people not bringing anything. I don't find it rude at all, people get busy and if I invited them I plan on providing a nice meal and drinks. When invited to others, I always offer to bring something and if they say no need to, I still bring a bottle of wine or flowers, but that's just me.

Actually, I don't mind if they don't get anything...but I know that it is rude. That is the reason that I am forgiving if my guests do not bring something but I myself will always bring something as a guest.

Close friends? If I am up to it and not feeling particularly worn down, I will usually discuss the menu with them and make a dish that they request. I actually make enough so that my friends can freeze some for their own use later and serve some for dinner.

We also have a group of twelve friends that do potluck monthly. The hostess will set the menu and people pick what they will make. Hostess only provides the carb, drinks, 1 appetizer, 1 entrée and 1 dessert. The rest of the meal (salads, appetizers, entrees and desserts) are provided by the guests. We have standardized the quantity (1 disposable aluminium foil chafing dish) and all leftovers gets divvied up and taken by all the guests. The best part of the potlucks are the leftovers frankly.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe they asked to bring home food. So tacky.

[Anonymous]

It was drilled into me to never ever come empty handed. So I always bring something, most often a bottle of wine. But I see this as an extra, so I wouldn’t think anything of someone coming over to dinner empty handed. I wouldn’t stop inviting them, and it’s not something that would radically alter my opinion of them. The leftovers, yes, if they asked for it, it’s weird, but if you offered and they agreed, then there is nothing wrong with that.

So, overall, I think you guys are making a huge deal of this, if this is affecting your future interactions with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

That didn't happen, OP added that to justify her outrage.

Absolutely agree. If it had, she would have said they “asked for leftovers to take home” in her OP, not just that they took them home. She pivoted when she wasn’t getting the responses she expected or wanted.

[Anonymous]

As with many others on the thread, I truly don't care if a dinner guest shows up empty handed. I am far more likely to be put off by an unneeded gift.

To that end, guests, please be gracious and do not insist when your hosts explicitly say nothing is needed. If you just can't show up empty handed, something that you 100% know the hosts will use at a later date is ok.

But, I've had friends and family text several times "just to be sure" they don't need to bring anything, or not take no for an answer when it comes to cleaning up post-dinner, or whatever else the case may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

That didn't happen, OP added that to justify her outrage.

Absolutely agree. If it had, she would have said they “asked for leftovers to take home” in her OP, not just that they took them home. She pivoted when she wasn’t getting the responses she expected or wanted.

Was thinking the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

That didn't happen, OP added that to justify her outrage.

Maybe it did happen? I know it would never be done in my circles, but I think in other cultures (aside from white/jewish) it's common to leave with "a plate" for later.

Down home (not rich) Southern people both white and black will send you with a plate. And it's freaking delicious food. I'm hungry for ham and yams now...

I grew up in the south with relatives on both sides of the poverty line. People did not come to meals, pot lucks, family reunions, holidays etc expecting left overs. Never. Many times they were offered but the most you'd get was a paper plate with some food. No one ever bought their own tupperware.

[Anonymous]

It's so tacky to expect to take food away from someone's home when they host. I had toddlers and my brother and sil hosted Thanksgiving and also invited a family sil knew. They were not friendly and dinner was very late. I brought a ham I cooked the day before when dinner was over dh and I hustled to get on the road. The kids were melting down and it had started to snow. Sil's friend literally stood in the driveway stopping us because she hadn't gotten any of our ham before we packed it up. She was upset. It was galling.

[Anonymous]

What is with all the formality you are feeling OP? Is this a friend or not? I’m assuming you weren’t hosting a random business acquaintance

I wouldn’t care if a friend of mine brought or didn’t bring something over. If I’m planning a meal, I’m planning it in entirety. I would be thrilled and take it as compliment if a friend liked my cooking so much they asked to take some home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we move on from discussion around bringing a hostess gift? I think most normal people would agree it’s not a huge deal if someone doesn’t bring one.

I would like to know how both sets of guests thought it was OK to ask for leftovers to take home? It’s one thing if they are offered but I find it strange to ask for them

That didn't happen, OP added that to justify her outrage.

Absolutely agree. If it had, she would have said they “asked for leftovers to take home” in her OP, not just that they took them home. She pivoted when she wasn’t getting the responses she expected or wanted.

Was thinking the same thing.

Yep agree. I also don’t believe it “didn’t occur” to her it was rude until her DH pointed it out. We all know her husband DGAF about this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very rude to not take something, like a bottle of wine or a plant, or chocolate…some people on here seem to have been raised by wolves!

And many are so judgmental and unforgiving. What is the world coming to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very rude to not take something, like a bottle of wine or a plant, or chocolate…some people on here seem to have been raised by wolves!

Agree! I grew up poor but my mother had fine manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you offer the leftovers or did they ask for it.

+1
And guests don't need to bring food unless it's a potluck. A bottle of wine or a small box of chocolates or some flowers are pretty traditional, but I don't expect guests to provide any part of the meal. And the more casual the invitation, the less likely it is that I would expect them to even bring a hostess gift.