Reply to How to Fix This DH and MIL Issue

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP your follow up is a little troubling in that you seem to think you have no responsibility in what happened, that your default to lying was totally rational instead of a mistake, that MIL did something wrong by saying something in front of your kids (when she had no reason not to think the kids knew) and that your mother wasn’t capable of telling your husband herself that she wanted the information kept confidential.  I think there’s a lot to unpack here but I do think some self reflection about your own role in this is in order and that your feelings towards your husband are unfair and misplaced.[/quote]

I do take responsibility for lying to my kids.  I'm frustrated that DH did something (told his mom) which resulted in me being in a bad situation where I made a bad choice.   My choices were either do a bad job of telling my kids because I'm not prepared (meaning I haven't thought through how to phrase this) and they end up worried about grandma, or I lie to them.  Frankly, the choice I made came down to which one hurts them less in the short term.  I should have just told them then and there.  I feared failing them in that moment and instead failed them even more.  I realize that.  I take responsibility for that.  I'm still mad at DP for starting the chain of events that led to that situation.  But yes I made the wrong choice in that situation.

The more I have thought about it, how was it a good idea for MIL to bring this up at all on Mother's Day?  She doesn't know how serious the cancer is or isn't.  So, dear DIL and grandkids, lets talk about how your mom/grandma may or may not be dying.  That's a great Mother's Day topic.  A better approach would have been to ask how my mom is doing and let me bring up cancer if I wanted.

I don't see how I'm responsible for telling DH what he should and shouldn't tell his mom.  It seems to keep being assumed that I told DH my mom has cancer.  My mom told all her kids and their partners via text.  It would have been weird for me to think "mom has cancer, better tell dh NOT to tell his mom." When we did talk about not telling the kids yet that would have been a great time for him to tell me he'd told his mom.  It seems reasonable for me to expect him to think through what could happen when he tells his mom. Given that our moms know a lot of the same people, would his mom bring this up to other people? Would his mom tell our kids?  Hell, would his mom bring this up to me and how would I feel about that given that I don't know he's told his mom?

I guess this is the one thread in this forum where the vast, vast majority of families are harmonious, supportive, and close and share everything with everyone all the time.  Welcome to Lake Wobegan (and I say that with good humor, not snark)![/quote]

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