Reply to How to Fix This DH and MIL Issue

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I get it 100% some people choose to be private. They are processing their diagnosis, frightened, stressed, a whole range of emotions. You are not wrong for protecting your mom. If I’m processing something like that the last thing I would want is someone asking me about it, especially if I’m not ready to talk about it.

I also get your husband not fully seeing the consequences.

I have worked in Cancer care for over 15 years. Everyone processes it differently. Not all cancers are created equal. Some are more aggressive than others. So for people to try to compare their experiences is irrelevant. Even if it’s the same cancer and they want to compare it is irrelevant.

My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer at Christmas. Worst Christmas ever. I have not told my kids. In my grief I did mention it to my aunts. I wish I had not. if my mom wanted them to know she would have told them herself.

There are times where I’ve had patients (kids and very elderly) and the families do not tell them they have cancer. Sometimes the patient kinda knows but if you say cancer they would lose it.

There was also a time not too long ago where people would not say the word Cancer. They would say the big C or use other names for it.

It’s tricky—-reach out to your MIL. Go light on blaming your husband and leave it out if possible. You want her to not mention it and you can handle the kids. That part will be fine—-when you do choose to tell them be honest.

I have a very observant 8 yo and she worries and stresses about others. I have to be very careful on how And when I say things.

Turns out my moms cancer wasn’t bad and at this time there is no need for my kids to know.[/quote]

OP again.  Thank you.  You (and a few others) get where I'm coming from.  Thank you for reminding me there was a time people didn't even tell patients they had cancer.  Sharing more of my dad's dysfunctional family here, but back in the 50s or 60s my dad's mom had cancer.  Her doctor told her son (my uncle).  Neither of them told my grandma.  Well, she sure found out when my uncle drove her to an appointment at a cancer research institute with a big old "Cancer Research Institute" sign out front.  Man those times (or just my uncle and my grandma's doctor) were messed up![/quote]

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