Man I’m dating constantly rescues 21 yr old daughter

[Anonymous]

Regarding the disruptions to things the OP is doing with her bf, maybe that’s a form of control on the DD’s part. If the DD doesn’t get along with the OP, and this has been going on for seven years, the DD could be injecting herself so that she get more, and OP gets less, Daddy Time. Not mature, but a coping mechanism (for dealing with anger from losing out on what used to be laser focused 100 percent attention) all the same.

[Anonymous]

OP here thanks for the comments. Seems like the "Daddy-daughter" relationship is complex because it's parental but also societal/engendered. I know you only have a small amount of information and minimal context and you are trying to put yourselves in my situation and respond from an imaginary place that you cannot help but color with your own life experiences.

This young woman is someone I feel great affection for, and whom I've known for a long time. In my opinion, she should be able to take care of some low complexity tasks, like meeting a new dentist/hygienist for a cleaning (haha love the comment about urgent oral surgery- no it wasn't this!) or addressing her academic responsibilities (lost books, computer charging cord, registering for classes in a timely manner), or putting up with a roommate playing loud music, etc. I know very well how we expect more or less of people based on their age and respective capabilities. This young adult is seemingly unable to deal with non-emergencies because her very loving ("helicopter") parents intervene and never allow her to do things for herself, or experience the consequences of not doing those things. When she was a senior in HS, they were making or buying her elaborate lunches from very expensive gourmet places, which she would throw away or leave on the floor. I assumed that when she went to college, they would let her do some practicing at life tasks, like going to a drug store to buy her own toothpaste/allergy medicine. Interestingly, no, they have not. The daughter now has a very domineering boyfriend to whom she demurely defers and I suspect the boyfriend is like her Dad, in many ways.

This pattern is something I noticed early on but seemed within the range of normal parenting. For example for her 8th-grade graduation, she decided on that afternoon that she didn't care for the shoes that she had chosen and had been purchased for her. It was suddenly a screaming, 4 alarm fire and her Dad drove all over town for a slightly different shade of said shoes. I was silently thinking to myself that this was a silly situation and if my kid had said she didn't care for the shoes I would've said "ok, tough luck". I've noticed that her dad (my BF) cannot stand conflict of any kind, and I also have a theory that he does all of these rescue antics because he cannot tolerate her complaints. It's like he's also saving himself from discomfort by solving her issue. He and I define conflict differently. I am ok with some discomfort, with some disappointment, with things being less than luxuriously over the top perfect- to me that's life. I think my job prevents me from caring about certain things that they obsess over. I am like well, you are alive and have food, so you are in good shape. I don't have tons of empathy for whining about minor inconveniences. So that's my judgment on them- they go into disaster mode over inconsequential stuff.

Anyway, I am not an evil stepmother and I do not directly parent this kid. She does come to me for things related to her health/friend issues or something she doesn't want her parents to go crazy about, so we have a pretty good relationship. She likes to get my approval on her accomplishments which I always genuinely and warmly provide in spades. She is very smart and I think if her parents got out of the way, she could gain more self-confidence by succeeding at increasingly complex tasks. And it affects me in-directly because he will turn our plans upside down and is unable to commit to much "because she might need something". You would be bothered by this too.

I am sorry some of you have had the experience of "bad stepmother"- sounds awful to be demoted in deference to a parent's relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And it’s extremely annoying. I am a parent of two daughters myself so I understand the temptation very well. HOWEVER he and his ex wife have created an intolerable spoiled brat who runs screaming at the first iota of discomfort. I won’t detail the ridiculous stuff he’s done (unless anyone wants to hear it!). However it makes me feel really REALLY annoyed with him. I never comment because he doesn’t ask me what I think about his parenting except if he needs gift suggestions etc for her. Fine. He feels free to openly comment on my kids/parenting however, which is distasteful. I know it’s not wrong to help your kid but he is hobbling her by immediately showing up at the slightest complaint. Which ultimately doesn’t matter since she won’t ever have to solve any actual problems. Daddy will come to the rescue. I was not raised like this and neither were most people I know.

Is this a vent? I don’t know. I’d like to have a consistently good relationship with him and ignore the spoiled bratty (and she truly is!) daughter part but it constantly affects our relationship in small and large ways. Anyone else?

You shouldn’t dictate each other how to parent one’s kids. This is a deal breaker. Different parenting styles have different pros and cons but there is no perfect way to parent. Just because you or your kids didn’t have someone they can always count on, it doesn’t have to be that way for other kids whose parents can be there. It’s not your decision to make. You can decide to accept it with grace or find someone who doesn’t have kids or doesn’t see them as a priority. Life is short, trying to control others is a waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yea it sucks. My 21yo stepdaughter does hardcore drugs and porn. People help her get real jobs and apprenticeships, and she gets fired every time because she takes tons of mental health days. H does and says nothing because he wants her to feel “comfortable” telling him.

I just make sure none of my money goes to her and keep separate finances.

I would flip if H tried to comment on my parenting, tho. He knows to say nothing other than “you’re a fantastic mom!” lol

How is porn not a real job? Judgmental much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, OP. It could be him/her, or it could be you. I am extremely wary of women who dislike their partner’s daughters.

My mother died when I was a teen. My dad threw himself into dating, and would take the advice and modify his lifestyle to suit each new woman. Many of them seemed to view me as competition, some kind of useless leech about whom they needed to “show” my dad the truth.

Here are some things my dad’s girlfriends viewed as “bratty”, “clingy”, and generally unreasonable:

1. Wanting to be allowed to have a high school graduation party (small, just a few friends, and we were studious, well-behaved kids) at home.

2. Asking my dad for a bottle of perfume for my 17th birthday (my dad was financially comfortable and the perfume was expensive for perfume; my dad’s girlfriend ranted and raved about how a girl my age had no business with something like that, and SHE was happy with the Body Shop when she was my age. Also, this was months after my mom’s death).

3. Wanting my dad to come to my college graduation. He didn’t, finally, because she “needed” him to help her pick out a new car.

4. Asking if I could live at home until I had saved a down payment for an apartment. This would have taken a few months because I had a job lined up after graduation. The answer was ultimately no.

5. Asking my dad to LEND me a down payment for my first apartment right after college. I had a job lined up but nowhere to go from the dorms and no money for a down payment. He ultimately refused, after much talk with his girlfriend who said I needed to “learn to make it” on my own. The story of how I lived for a few months until I got a down payment makes me so angry for my 22 year old self.

Sorry, but I have learned that women are naturally distrustful of a partner’s daughter, and they never, ever view the partner’s daughter they way they would their own child.

This is called projecting. See a therapist. She was absolutely correct about #2 and #5. . And your dad agreed to these things. His choice he was a grown man. So you should be mad at him too.

I am not the PP

So the girlfriend is "right"? And what did that get her?

A husband who had to go against his daughters birthday wishes and a step daughter who was hurt but an overstepping woman.

Gee, good thing she was "right" because she certainly had no interest in being a warm and loving person in her step daughters life. Nope, it was more important for her to be "right".

And this, folks, is why people generally stink at having healthy relationships. Because it's more important for them to be "right".

You aren't po so perhaps you shouldn't reply, but pp seemed to be under the impression that her requests were universally reasonable and her stepmom was being totally unreasonable.

Sometimes and dare I say more often than not the loving thing to do for a child is not to provide for their every whim. I mean we only know poss side of the story but maybe the money should have been used for other things. I also tend towards pp simply being spoiled because even now as an adult she can't see that her requests may have been inappropriate.

She can't see that her father wasn't a captive

Not getting what you wanted is not abuse or neglect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here thanks for the comments. Seems like the "Daddy-daughter" relationship is complex because it's parental but also societal/engendered. I know you only have a small amount of information and minimal context and you are trying to put yourselves in my situation and respond from an imaginary place that you cannot help but color with your own life experiences.

This young woman is someone I feel great affection for, and whom I've known for a long time. In my opinion, she should be able to take care of some low complexity tasks, like meeting a new dentist/hygienist for a cleaning (haha love the comment about urgent oral surgery- no it wasn't this!) or addressing her academic responsibilities (lost books, computer charging cord, registering for classes in a timely manner), or putting up with a roommate playing loud music, etc. I know very well how we expect more or less of people based on their age and respective capabilities. This young adult is seemingly unable to deal with non-emergencies because her very loving ("helicopter") parents intervene and never allow her to do things for herself, or experience the consequences of not doing those things. When she was a senior in HS, they were making or buying her elaborate lunches from very expensive gourmet places, which she would throw away or leave on the floor. I assumed that when she went to college, they would let her do some practicing at life tasks, like going to a drug store to buy her own toothpaste/allergy medicine. Interestingly, no, they have not. The daughter now has a very domineering boyfriend to whom she demurely defers and I suspect the boyfriend is like her Dad, in many ways.

This pattern is something I noticed early on but seemed within the range of normal parenting. For example for her 8th-grade graduation, she decided on that afternoon that she didn't care for the shoes that she had chosen and had been purchased for her. It was suddenly a screaming, 4 alarm fire and her Dad drove all over town for a slightly different shade of said shoes. I was silently thinking to myself that this was a silly situation and if my kid had said she didn't care for the shoes I would've said "ok, tough luck". I've noticed that her dad (my BF) cannot stand conflict of any kind, and I also have a theory that he does all of these rescue antics because he cannot tolerate her complaints. It's like he's also saving himself from discomfort by solving her issue. He and I define conflict differently. I am ok with some discomfort, with some disappointment, with things being less than luxuriously over the top perfect- to me that's life. I think my job prevents me from caring about certain things that they obsess over. I am like well, you are alive and have food, so you are in good shape. I don't have tons of empathy for whining about minor inconveniences. So that's my judgment on them- they go into disaster mode over inconsequential stuff.

Anyway, I am not an evil stepmother and I do not directly parent this kid. She does come to me for things related to her health/friend issues or something she doesn't want her parents to go crazy about, so we have a pretty good relationship. She likes to get my approval on her accomplishments which I always genuinely and warmly provide in spades. She is very smart and I think if her parents got out of the way, she could gain more self-confidence by succeeding at increasingly complex tasks. And it affects me in-directly because he will turn our plans upside down and is unable to commit to much "because she might need something". You would be bothered by this too.

I am sorry some of you have had the experience of "bad stepmother"- sounds awful to be demoted in deference to a parent's relationship.

Honestly, op this is sad. This is what I mean when I say parents really harm their children by coddling them. Here we have a woman who can't cope with pretty basic aspects and annoyances if life and is in a controlling relationship. All because her parents failed me to instill self esteem and confidence in her by doing everything for her they gave her the message she was incapable.

Op since you say you've got a good relationship with her and you're also a mom maybe you can little by little help her develop some coping skills for her sake

[Anonymous]

OP - keep "dating" him and don't ever marry him

[Anonymous]

To be fair, a college student with studies, boyfriend and roommates has little time for parents, even if they are dependent on parents. OP’s jealousy and disgust is alarming.

[Anonymous]

Lots of crazy, projecting responses on this thread.

OP, you sound totally sane, reasonable, kind, and intelligent. It is hard to sit by and watch people make really poor decisions, like your boyfriend is doing. Your insight into his "conflict" avoidance sounds accurate. Does that cause problems between the two of you, unrelated to his daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here thanks for the comments. Seems like the "Daddy-daughter" relationship is complex because it's parental but also societal/engendered. I know you only have a small amount of information and minimal context and you are trying to put yourselves in my situation and respond from an imaginary place that you cannot help but color with your own life experiences.

This young woman is someone I feel great affection for, and whom I've known for a long time. In my opinion, she should be able to take care of some low complexity tasks, like meeting a new dentist/hygienist for a cleaning (haha love the comment about urgent oral surgery- no it wasn't this!) or addressing her academic responsibilities (lost books, computer charging cord, registering for classes in a timely manner), or putting up with a roommate playing loud music, etc. I know very well how we expect more or less of people based on their age and respective capabilities. This young adult is seemingly unable to deal with non-emergencies because her very loving ("helicopter") parents intervene and never allow her to do things for herself, or experience the consequences of not doing those things. When she was a senior in HS, they were making or buying her elaborate lunches from very expensive gourmet places, which she would throw away or leave on the floor. I assumed that when she went to college, they would let her do some practicing at life tasks, like going to a drug store to buy her own toothpaste/allergy medicine. Interestingly, no, they have not. The daughter now has a very domineering boyfriend to whom she demurely defers and I suspect the boyfriend is like her Dad, in many ways.

This pattern is something I noticed early on but seemed within the range of normal parenting. For example for her 8th-grade graduation, she decided on that afternoon that she didn't care for the shoes that she had chosen and had been purchased for her. It was suddenly a screaming, 4 alarm fire and her Dad drove all over town for a slightly different shade of said shoes. I was silently thinking to myself that this was a silly situation and if my kid had said she didn't care for the shoes I would've said "ok, tough luck". I've noticed that her dad (my BF) cannot stand conflict of any kind, and I also have a theory that he does all of these rescue antics because he cannot tolerate her complaints. It's like he's also saving himself from discomfort by solving her issue. He and I define conflict differently. I am ok with some discomfort, with some disappointment, with things being less than luxuriously over the top perfect- to me that's life. I think my job prevents me from caring about certain things that they obsess over. I am like well, you are alive and have food, so you are in good shape. I don't have tons of empathy for whining about minor inconveniences. So that's my judgment on them- they go into disaster mode over inconsequential stuff.

Anyway, I am not an evil stepmother and I do not directly parent this kid. She does come to me for things related to her health/friend issues or something she doesn't want her parents to go crazy about, so we have a pretty good relationship. She likes to get my approval on her accomplishments which I always genuinely and warmly provide in spades. She is very smart and I think if her parents got out of the way, she could gain more self-confidence by succeeding at increasingly complex tasks. And it affects me in-directly because he will turn our plans upside down and is unable to commit to much "because she might need something". You would be bothered by this too.

I am sorry some of you have had the experience of "bad stepmother"- sounds awful to be demoted in deference to a parent's relationship.

I’m confused. How long have you been “dating this man”?? You say you have known the daughter who is now 21 very well since 8th grade or earlier, but your first post makes it sound like a new relationship. Now you are mentioning being “step-mom”.

Is this a man you were having an affair with? Did you know her only through the dad or were your friends with the mom prior?

There might be more issues and a reason why she is acting out like this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here thanks for the comments. Seems like the "Daddy-daughter" relationship is complex because it's parental but also societal/engendered. I know you only have a small amount of information and minimal context and you are trying to put yourselves in my situation and respond from an imaginary place that you cannot help but color with your own life experiences.

This young woman is someone I feel great affection for, and whom I've known for a long time. In my opinion, she should be able to take care of some low complexity tasks, like meeting a new dentist/hygienist for a cleaning (haha love the comment about urgent oral surgery- no it wasn't this!) or addressing her academic responsibilities (lost books, computer charging cord, registering for classes in a timely manner), or putting up with a roommate playing loud music, etc. I know very well how we expect more or less of people based on their age and respective capabilities. This young adult is seemingly unable to deal with non-emergencies because her very loving ("helicopter") parents intervene and never allow her to do things for herself, or experience the consequences of not doing those things. When she was a senior in HS, they were making or buying her elaborate lunches from very expensive gourmet places, which she would throw away or leave on the floor. I assumed that when she went to college, they would let her do some practicing at life tasks, like going to a drug store to buy her own toothpaste/allergy medicine. Interestingly, no, they have not. The daughter now has a very domineering boyfriend to whom she demurely defers and I suspect the boyfriend is like her Dad, in many ways.

This pattern is something I noticed early on but seemed within the range of normal parenting. For example for her 8th-grade graduation, she decided on that afternoon that she didn't care for the shoes that she had chosen and had been purchased for her. It was suddenly a screaming, 4 alarm fire and her Dad drove all over town for a slightly different shade of said shoes. I was silently thinking to myself that this was a silly situation and if my kid had said she didn't care for the shoes I would've said "ok, tough luck". I've noticed that her dad (my BF) cannot stand conflict of any kind, and I also have a theory that he does all of these rescue antics because he cannot tolerate her complaints. It's like he's also saving himself from discomfort by solving her issue. He and I define conflict differently. I am ok with some discomfort, with some disappointment, with things being less than luxuriously over the top perfect- to me that's life. I think my job prevents me from caring about certain things that they obsess over. I am like well, you are alive and have food, so you are in good shape. I don't have tons of empathy for whining about minor inconveniences. So that's my judgment on them- they go into disaster mode over inconsequential stuff.

Anyway, I am not an evil stepmother and I do not directly parent this kid. She does come to me for things related to her health/friend issues or something she doesn't want her parents to go crazy about, so we have a pretty good relationship. She likes to get my approval on her accomplishments which I always genuinely and warmly provide in spades. She is very smart and I think if her parents got out of the way, she could gain more self-confidence by succeeding at increasingly complex tasks. And it affects me in-directly because he will turn our plans upside down and is unable to commit to much "because she might need something". You would be bothered by this too.

I am sorry some of you have had the experience of "bad stepmother"- sounds awful to be demoted in deference to a parent's relationship.

I’m confused. How long have you been “dating this man”?? You say you have known the daughter who is now 21 very well since 8th grade or earlier, but your first post makes it sound like a new relationship. Now you are mentioning being “step-mom”.

Is this a man you were having an affair with? Did you know her only through the dad or were your friends with the mom prior?

There might be more issues and a reason why she is acting out like this

If only there were a thread where all your questions were answered...

- not OP

[Anonymous]

OP I get that you “care” about this man and his daughter but honestly they sound completely exhausting and you seem somewhat enmeshed with them. The solution here is to back away slowly but that doesn’t seem to be what you intend to do, so…

[Anonymous]

If you are not happy, move on. Their relationship isn’t going to change, trying to control it is only going to creat drama and end it in an ugly manner. It’s not just her that you find annoying, it’s how he responds to her needs is what you find annoying. He doesn’t approve of your parenting and you find him distasteful, he unconditionally supports his daughter and you find it annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I get that you “care” about this man and his daughter but honestly they sound completely exhausting and you seem somewhat enmeshed with them. The solution here is to back away slowly but that doesn’t seem to be what you intend to do, so…

OP wants her to go away so her dad can focus his time, attention and income on OP’s family. It’s unfair but understandable.

[Anonymous]

Based on your original post OP, you are negatively affected both in small and large ways by your BF coddling his adult daughter.

This will not change. Ever. It will continue throughout her life, it will eventually encompass any children she has, and your BF will continue his behavior until he dies.

The best thing you can do is disengage from anything and everything to do with her. You can read up about disengagement tactics.

The most important thing is do not announce that you are disengaging - just slowly but surely extricate yourself from any dealings with BF/daughter's relationship.

If your BF wants to talk about her or her problems/demands, change the subject, make a non-committal remark (Mmm hmm... or... Oh that's too bad.) or else leave the room and go to the bathroom.

If there is a visit or activity planned with daughter, find an excuse to get out of it. Say you have to work, you're sick, a friend is sick, whatever. Don't attend.

Before long you should find your relationship is better for disengagement. You won't know about what is given to daughter because you don't ask and you don't let him tell you. Thus, your resentment is quelled.

Then you may find you have more clarity about how YOU are being treated separately from the daughter issue. If you find that you've disengaged from anything to do with his daughter, yet after some time BF feels he still can criticize your kids then I'd take him to task on that.

This is the only thing that has worked in my case.