Reply to Man I’m dating constantly rescues 21 yr old daughter

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here thanks for the comments. Seems like the "Daddy-daughter" relationship is complex because it's parental but also societal/engendered. I know you only have a small amount of information and minimal context and you are trying to put yourselves in my situation and respond from an imaginary place that you cannot help but color with your own life experiences.

This young woman is someone I feel great affection for, and whom I've known for a long time. In my opinion, she should be able to take care of some low complexity tasks, like meeting a new dentist/hygienist for a cleaning (haha love the comment about urgent oral surgery- no it wasn't this!) or addressing her academic responsibilities (lost books, computer charging cord, registering for classes in a timely manner), or putting up with a roommate playing loud music, etc. I know very well how we expect more or less of people based on their age and respective capabilities. This young adult is seemingly unable to deal with non-emergencies because her very loving ("helicopter") parents intervene and never allow her to do things for herself, or experience the consequences of not doing those things. When she was a senior in HS, they were making or buying her elaborate lunches from very expensive gourmet places, which she would throw away or leave on the floor. I assumed that when she went to college, they would let her do some practicing at life tasks, like going to a drug store to buy her own toothpaste/allergy medicine. Interestingly, no, they have not. The daughter now has a very domineering boyfriend to whom she demurely defers and I suspect the boyfriend is like her Dad, in many ways.

This pattern is something I noticed early on but seemed within the range of normal parenting. For example for her 8th-grade graduation, she decided on that afternoon that she didn't care for the shoes that she had chosen and had been purchased for her. It was suddenly a screaming, 4 alarm fire and her Dad drove all over town for a slightly different shade of said shoes. I was silently thinking to myself that this was a silly situation and if my kid had said she didn't care for the shoes I would've said "ok, tough luck". I've noticed that her dad (my BF) cannot stand conflict of any kind, and I also have a theory that he does all of these rescue antics because he cannot tolerate her complaints. It's like he's also saving himself from discomfort by solving her issue. He and I define conflict differently. I am ok with some discomfort, with some disappointment, with things being less than luxuriously over the top perfect- to me that's life. I think my job prevents me from caring about certain things that they obsess over. I am like well, you are alive and have food, so you are in good shape. I don't have tons of empathy for whining about minor inconveniences. So that's my judgment on them- they go into disaster mode over inconsequential stuff.

Anyway, I am not an evil stepmother and I do not directly parent this kid. She does come to me for things related to her health/friend issues or something she doesn't want her parents to go crazy about, so we have a pretty good relationship. She likes to get my approval on her accomplishments which I always genuinely and warmly provide in spades. She is very smart and I think if her parents got out of the way, she could gain more self-confidence by succeeding at increasingly complex tasks. And it affects me in-directly because he will turn our plans upside down and is unable to commit to much "because she might need something". You would be bothered by this too.

I am sorry some of you have had the experience of "bad stepmother"- sounds awful to be demoted in deference to a parent's relationship.[/quote]

Honestly, op this is sad. This is what I mean when I say parents really harm their children by coddling them. Here we have a woman who can't cope with pretty basic aspects and annoyances if life and is in a controlling relationship. All because her parents failed me to instill self esteem and confidence in her by doing everything for her they gave her the message she was incapable.

Op since you say you've got a good relationship with her and you're also a mom maybe you can little by little help her develop some coping skills for her sake [/quote]

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