Man I’m dating constantly rescues 21 yr old daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing you raised your kids in a middle class environment and your boyfriend raised his with a lot more money.

I grew up in a small town and moved to a very wealthy part of MoCo as a young adult. I’ve been here for 20 years now and I’m still shocked by some of the behaviors around me. These are the most entitled, helpless, depressed, anxious women I’ve ever known. They don’t know who they are, need constant advice, are defined by who they know and where they went to high school. They are 40 yr old SAHMs with nannies and FT housekeepers and two sets of local grandparents who constantly complain about never getting a break, their kids, husbands, schools… literally everything. Getting blackout drunk is common among all ages in this crowd too.

I am fascinated by this culture but can’t be around it all the time. I find most of it gross. You may be the same way?

OPhere- yes, this. Maybe so. It’s weird to me she doesn’t so basic stuff for herself. Perhaps it’s the norm for her though- why would she since parents or hired people will do it so she can go party/travel etc. I’m not impoverished or anything nor did I grow up without amenities. My parents are physicians and so am I. We belong to the swim club, etc. Not the elite 1% or “upper class” but not scraping to get by, either. It’s a family culture difference I am realizing, and maybe not a parenting failure on his/her mother’s part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing you raised your kids in a middle class environment and your boyfriend raised his with a lot more money.

I grew up in a small town and moved to a very wealthy part of MoCo as a young adult. I’ve been here for 20 years now and I’m still shocked by some of the behaviors around me. These are the most entitled, helpless, depressed, anxious women I’ve ever known. They don’t know who they are, need constant advice, are defined by who they know and where they went to high school. They are 40 yr old SAHMs with nannies and FT housekeepers and two sets of local grandparents who constantly complain about never getting a break, their kids, husbands, schools… literally everything. Getting blackout drunk is common among all ages in this crowd too.

I am fascinated by this culture but can’t be around it all the time. I find most of it gross. You may be the same way?

OPhere- yes, this. Maybe so. It’s weird to me she doesn’t so basic stuff for herself. Perhaps it’s the norm for her though- why would she since parents or hired people will do it so she can go party/travel etc. I’m not impoverished or anything nor did I grow up without amenities. My parents are physicians and so am I. We belong to the swim club, etc. Not the elite 1% or “upper class” but not scraping to get by, either. It’s a family culture difference I am realizing, and maybe not a parenting failure on his/her mother’s part.

It's a failure. I know plenty of UMC women who are not as described.

Anyway, why are you putting up with this?

Dropping plans for non emergencies and criticizing your kids and parenting. You don't need to put up with this. There are plenty of guys to have fun with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They say, “when you marry that you marry the whole family.” If this annoys you this much now, then it’s time to end your relationship with him.

But she wants his $$$$!!!

OP here not sure who this gross comment is directed at, but as I’ve mentioned before I have my own professional and plenty of money. His money is not an issue. It’s his odd behavior that I am asking about, as if she were still a 5 year old.

[Anonymous]

She was a miracle after fertility struggles and was coddled and sheltered. Marital issues, divorce and may be infidelity added guilt to the love and fear. She is the center of their universe and will be, even if she doesn’t want to. You can either adjust to that or move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, the annoying part is his catering to his daughter.

The deal breaking part is criticizing your parenting.

Same here. His catering to his DD is annoying but, based on what you've said your relationship is, tolerable. The deal breaker is him criticizing your parenting. That's a no go.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t get your problem with him flying her back home to see her dentist, even if it wasn’t a life and death issue, he has every right to take care of his daughter however he sees fit.

[Anonymous]

It’s a lifestyle difference. Your experiences as a child and a parent aren’t similar.

[Anonymous]

This will be long, op, so stick with me.

Your boyfriend is probably parenting his daughter in the only way he knows. Very likely, her mom needed special care while she was pregnant (you mentioned pregnancy loss) and very likely the daughter needed special care as an infant and toddler. I was born premature back in the 1970’s, and my mom has often said “The best parenting move I ever made was to have your younger sister, I was focusing on you to an unhealthy degree”. She’s probably right.
Your boyfriend may be grieving the pregnancy losses, they are difficult because you experience a death with none of the death protocols, funeral memorial service that sort of thing. The lost babies never did anything to piss you off either, so they are angelic and always will be. He is very likely pouring the love, care and concern that would have gone to his other children all into the child he does have. I understand how he got there, but then I’m not having my plans canceled on either so it’s easy for me to be compassionate.


It’s also sad that your boyfriend and his ex couldn’t stay together, how very sad to work so hard to have a child then not raise her as husband and wife.

I wouldn’t stand for his commentary on your parenting, nor would I stand for playing second fiddle, unreliable is unreliable no matter how good it sounds.

I do wonder at some of your examples. “He flew her home to see her childhood dentist”, um, what did you expect him to do, tell her to walk?
, but I’m also not convinced you would partner with anyone who liked their kids. I’ve been around women like you, and there is something deeply ugly about them, they truly seem to despise the fact that their boyfriend had sex with another woman and has a kid.
I saw my childhood dentist for years because he was good at what he did. If I’d gone away to school, my parents probably would have flown me home to see him, I remember my dad saying “He’s the least painful dentist I’ve ever been to”. If he was still in practice and I had reason to be in his neck of the woods, I’d probably still be seeing him. A good dentist is difficult to find, there are plenty out there will scam you, maybe that’s what Pops and his daughter were also worried about?

The check engine light, if dad owns the car, it may be easier for him to deal with it.

The music festival, I’ve never heard anybody use the phrase “she has to” without being nasty, like “She has to have a cake for her birthday” like it’s something dirty or inappropriate. If she enjoys music festivals, so what? Maybe you and Pops can go with her and enjoy the festival too, or at least learn why she likes them so much. A music festival actually sounds like a lot of fun to me right now, I can think of three that your post inspired me to think about.

I wonder if you may be cold towards your kids, almost like a mama cat “Don’t bother me anymore, I’m done with this mom s***” after a few weeks. I wonder if you are jealous of her pleasures, she “has to go to a music festival” well, again so what. You’re free to go too if you’d like.

I’d say break up with the guy. I’m not convinced the kid is the problem you make her out to be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They say, “when you marry that you marry the whole family.” If this annoys you this much now, then it’s time to end your relationship with him.

But she wants his $$$$!!!

OP here not sure who this gross comment is directed at, but as I’ve mentioned before I have my own professional and plenty of money. His money is not an issue. It’s his odd behavior that I am asking about, as if she were still a 5 year old.

My friend married one of these. It grew worse then came the grandchildren brats. His daughter had a small condo, and friends husband would host all their birthday parties etc. at their home. My friend was left always cleaning up the mess. Then when she got divorced my friend's husband paid daughters lawyer behind her back. Yes with THEIR money. Car repairs and basically it was never ending. She finally divorced him.

I would not get mixed up with this guy especially since your own life sounds just fine. Why even date because everyone at that age has a ton of baggage imo.

[Anonymous]

I think kids (yours and his) are only highlighting the fact that two of you aren’t sincere to each other or what comes in the packaged deal.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to address his poor parenting. Wait till she disrupts your vacations over something silly.

Tell him he needs to let her learn for herself in life. Especially at 21!

[Anonymous]

I don’t know, OP. It could be him/her, or it could be you. I am extremely wary of women who dislike their partner’s daughters.

My mother died when I was a teen. My dad threw himself into dating, and would take the advice and modify his lifestyle to suit each new woman. Many of them seemed to view me as competition, some kind of useless leech about whom they needed to “show” my dad the truth.

Here are some things my dad’s girlfriends viewed as “bratty”, “clingy”, and generally unreasonable:

1. Wanting to be allowed to have a high school graduation party (small, just a few friends, and we were studious, well-behaved kids) at home.

2. Asking my dad for a bottle of perfume for my 17th birthday (my dad was financially comfortable and the perfume was expensive for perfume; my dad’s girlfriend ranted and raved about how a girl my age had no business with something like that, and SHE was happy with the Body Shop when she was my age. Also, this was months after my mom’s death).

3. Wanting my dad to come to my college graduation. He didn’t, finally, because she “needed” him to help her pick out a new car.

4. Asking if I could live at home until I had saved a down payment for an apartment. This would have taken a few months because I had a job lined up after graduation. The answer was ultimately no.

5. Asking my dad to LEND me a down payment for my first apartment right after college. I had a job lined up but nowhere to go from the dorms and no money for a down payment. He ultimately refused, after much talk with his girlfriend who said I needed to “learn to make it” on my own. The story of how I lived for a few months until I got a down payment makes me so angry for my 22 year old self.

Sorry, but I have learned that women are naturally distrustful of a partner’s daughter, and they never, ever view the partner’s daughter they way they would their own child.

[Anonymous]

No boyfriend or new husband will tell me how to parent my children. Not at 5 or 25. I have that covered. Jealousy looks good on no one.

[Anonymous]

My kids are half her age but 21 still sounds so young for her dad not to be helping her out! You parent your way but don't be an evil stepmother working against her behind the scenes to cut off her health insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And it’s extremely annoying. I am a parent of two daughters myself so I understand the temptation very well. HOWEVER he and his ex wife have created an intolerable spoiled brat who runs screaming at the first iota of discomfort. I won’t detail the ridiculous stuff he’s done (unless anyone wants to hear it!). However it makes me feel really REALLY annoyed with him. I never comment because he doesn’t ask me what I think about his parenting except if he needs gift suggestions etc for her. Fine. He feels free to openly comment on my kids/parenting however, which is distasteful. I know it’s not wrong to help your kid but he is hobbling her by immediately showing up at the slightest complaint. Which ultimately doesn’t matter since she won’t ever have to solve any actual problems. Daddy will come to the rescue. I was not raised like this and neither were most people I know.

Is this a vent? I don’t know. I’d like to have a consistently good relationship with him and ignore the spoiled bratty (and she truly is!) daughter part but it constantly affects our relationship in small and large ways. Anyone else?

OP, is your baby daddy helping your kids?