Man I’m dating constantly rescues 21 yr old daughter

[Anonymous]

And it’s extremely annoying. I am a parent of two daughters myself so I understand the temptation very well. HOWEVER he and his ex wife have created an intolerable spoiled brat who runs screaming at the first iota of discomfort. I won’t detail the ridiculous stuff he’s done (unless anyone wants to hear it!). However it makes me feel really REALLY annoyed with him. I never comment because he doesn’t ask me what I think about his parenting except if he needs gift suggestions etc for her. Fine. He feels free to openly comment on my kids/parenting however, which is distasteful. I know it’s not wrong to help your kid but he is hobbling her by immediately showing up at the slightest complaint. Which ultimately doesn’t matter since she won’t ever have to solve any actual problems. Daddy will come to the rescue. I was not raised like this and neither were most people I know.

Is this a vent? I don’t know. I’d like to have a consistently good relationship with him and ignore the spoiled bratty (and she truly is!) daughter part but it constantly affects our relationship in small and large ways. Anyone else?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a dealbreaker. End it now. It’s not working. Relationships shouldn’t be this hard.

[Anonymous]

We need examples

Tho really all that matters is that it bothers you and therefore you’re probably not compatible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a dealbreaker. End it now. It’s not working. Relationships shouldn’t be this hard.

This. Especially because you are upset at the feedback he gives about your child rearing.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, it sounds like you guys are just not compatible. I would cut my losses and move on. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Extremely annoying
Ridiculous stuff he’s done
Really, really annoyed with hm
Comment on my kids/parenting
Distasteful
Not raised like this

Read your own words. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Yea it sucks. My 21yo stepdaughter does hardcore drugs and porn. People help her get real jobs and apprenticeships, and she gets fired every time because she takes tons of mental health days. H does and says nothing because he wants her to feel “comfortable” telling him.

I just make sure none of my money goes to her and keep separate finances.

I would flip if H tried to comment on my parenting, tho. He knows to say nothing other than “you’re a fantastic mom!” lol

[Anonymous]

If you care that much, break up.
I really would not care...unless I was planning to remarry someday.

[Anonymous]

So you don't respect his parenting and his style of relating and his way of dealing with problems?

[Anonymous]

For me, the annoying part is his catering to his daughter.

The deal breaking part is criticizing your parenting.

[Anonymous]

Yeah…get out while you can. I had the same red flags about my now DH…he and his ex rescued his HS age daughter from every possible minor inconvenience or consequence. So she never learned a lesson…and she also never learned how to cope with any kind of setback. She is now 28 and completely loses her shit at places like the DMV, where all of us go in with low expectations and then feel delight if things go smoothly. Instead, SD expects to everything, every day to be perfectly smooth sailing and cannot COPE with anything that doesn’t go according to plan.

She can’t hold down a job because she can’t take any kind of redirection or criticism. It’s always everyone else’s fault and she’s always angry at the word for not catering to her.

DH has come around to see how detrimental it was for him to smooth out every tiny wrinkle ahead of her. The cost has been enormous though…addictions, incarcerations, multiple failed stints in rehab, 6 semesters’ worth of tuition down the drain (dropped out each one…always someone else’s fault). She is nearing 30 and has the emotional coping skills of a…3rd grader, maybe?

There is no satisfaction in the “I told you so” now that he realizes the damage he did. The problem is, she has no self awareness and now that dad is no longer bailing her out (literally) she has found other men to do it. Sadder still, her mom is literally bankrupt from all of the $$ she had thrown at SD’s lawyers and rehabs and security deposits…but still won’t say no. Still just doesn’t want to see her baby hurt…so she hurts her by continually enabling her because she can’t cope with that discomfort.

Anyway, I’ve lost a lot of years of my life trying to “help”…and really just draining it own self of peace. You can’t fix this guy. Bail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Extremely annoying
Ridiculous stuff he’s done
Really, really annoyed with hm
Comment on my kids/parenting
Distasteful
Not raised like this

Read your own words. You deserve better.

OP here thanks for this illustrative passage extraction. I didn’t realize my words were so strong. All of that is true. He’s pretty great in other ways. But far from perfect.

The pattern just irritates me and I’m wondering if anyone else has or has had a similar experience? I’d prefer to ignore it but it’s hard since he then complains about how spoiled she is. I’m sitting there going NO SH!T SHERLOCK. He doesn’t seem to fully realize what he’s doing due to the all powerful Daddy bias.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Extremely annoying
Ridiculous stuff he’s done
Really, really annoyed with hm
Comment on my kids/parenting
Distasteful
Not raised like this

Read your own words. You deserve better.

OP here thanks for this illustrative passage extraction. I didn’t realize my words were so strong. All of that is true. He’s pretty great in other ways. But far from perfect.

The pattern just irritates me and I’m wondering if anyone else has or has had a similar experience? I’d prefer to ignore it but it’s hard since he then complains about how spoiled she is. I’m sitting there going NO SH!T SHERLOCK. He doesn’t seem to fully realize what he’s doing due to the all powerful Daddy bias.

We need examples

[Anonymous]

Will you be able to tolerate this for the rest of your life? Because it's either that or break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah…get out while you can. I had the same red flags about my now DH…he and his ex rescued his HS age daughter from every possible minor inconvenience or consequence. So she never learned a lesson…and she also never learned how to cope with any kind of setback. She is now 28 and completely loses her shit at places like the DMV, where all of us go in with low expectations and then feel delight if things go smoothly. Instead, SD expects to everything, every day to be perfectly smooth sailing and cannot COPE with anything that doesn’t go according to plan.

She can’t hold down a job because she can’t take any kind of redirection or criticism. It’s always everyone else’s fault and she’s always angry at the word for not catering to her.

DH has come around to see how detrimental it was for him to smooth out every tiny wrinkle ahead of her. The cost has been enormous though…addictions, incarcerations, multiple failed stints in rehab, 6 semesters’ worth of tuition down the drain (dropped out each one…always someone else’s fault). She is nearing 30 and has the emotional coping skills of a…3rd grader, maybe?

There is no satisfaction in the “I told you so” now that he realizes the damage he did. The problem is, she has no self awareness and now that dad is no longer bailing her out (literally) she has found other men to do it. Sadder still, her mom is literally bankrupt from all of the $$ she had thrown at SD’s lawyers and rehabs and security deposits…but still won’t say no. Still just doesn’t want to see her baby hurt…so she hurts her by continually enabling her because she can’t cope with that discomfort.

Anyway, I’ve lost a lot of years of my life trying to “help”…and really just draining it own self of peace. You can’t fix this guy. Bail.

OP here wow that’s a sad saga to read. Thank you for sharing and I am truly sorry for the kid who’s now a child-adult, the family, and of course you. You’ve been the sensible witness to so much needless drama, it sounds like. Wow I really hope my boyfriend’s (he’s more than a BF, but not a “partner”, we aren’t married and don’t live together) daughter doesn’t go this route but I can already see that her boyfriend is the stand in Daddy when actually Daddy is not present. Luckily the family is wealthy so she won’t have to actually struggle but I’d like to for the two of us to get o. With our lives. My daughters are fully functional young adults and it’s wonderful to see. They are nothing special (except to me!!💗) but they are competent and can cope the DMV, laundry, bank accounts, shoe tying, unpleasant weather, roommates, etc.

Thanks for taking the time to share.