Man I’m dating constantly rescues 21 yr old daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a deal breaker because your family values are different. I'd hate to have a stepmother who can't stand me, or who wished I wouldn't call my father. Let him find a better fit for his family.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a dealbreaker. End it now. It’s not working. Relationships shouldn’t be this hard.

Agree, dealbreaker.

Don’t stick around any longer to find out what mental disorder she inherited from him. He’s just enabling her and they’re probably codependent too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My BIL supports his adult son 100%. The adult son has clinical depression, sleep issues and Asperger's and despite a high IQ dropped out of college and has never had a job.

I would not inject judgement into this unless you are extremely sure this young lady does not have severe issues that may not be entirely visible to you.

But yes, it could be a dealbreaker.

That’s also a very difficult situation to live with someone like that. You sacrifice your life and self.

It’s also sad to not have had early interventions for hFASD to avoid a permanent failure to launch situation and lack of use of talents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s actually damaging his child’s development. He’s either lazy or incompetent.

Both. Op confirmed no mental disorders, just spoilt and catered to by dad. Maybe even mom.all it takes is one parent to do this.

[Anonymous]

OP - you are dating a wealthy man who has an exW and his daughter who is likely a tryst baby. Don’t be jealous they didn’t raise her in a right way like you feel your kids were raised. He’s not your husband even yet I wouldn’t put too much energy into it if I was you. His choice how to spend his time and money

[Anonymous]

And it sounds that you are dating him for a very long time accumulating a resentment. Your relationship didn’t result in marriage after 7 years for a reason. He doesn’t feel you are his family. If this is not what you want just leave him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- were you the reason for the divorce or other adultery on part of the father ? I wonder how many of these damaged adult children are result of a divorce trauma. Dad behaves like he feels guilty

Haha no nice try I’m not the cause of his divorce. But yes I agree he does behave towards her as if he is guilty. He does assume this posture of being the bad guy and trying to make it up to her. Maybe there is something in their past I don’t know- seems likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And it sounds that you are dating him for a very long time accumulating a resentment. Your relationship didn’t result in marriage after 7 years for a reason. He doesn’t feel you are his family. If this is not what you want just leave him

We mutually do not want to remarry. I definitely don’t want to marry him, but I do love him. I have my own money luckily so that’s not an issue. I do resent that he will upend our time for something insignificant that she should be able to deal with on her own. It’s ridiculous. One time she went to dentist in her college town. Didn’t like the dentist. So he flew out to get her, brought her to childhood dentist, then flew her back. Birthdays are a 3-4 royal parade of events. I don’t share this values- that’s correct whoever mentioned that. When we are together we have so much fun though. He becomes kind of irrational when her “check engine” light comes on, or she needs OTC allergy medicine, for example. And she’s constantly out of money, needs all new furniture emergently, has to have tickets to whatever music festival is going on etc. Everything just comes to a screeching halt when she has a new need. I’m a mom to two kids- I get the need to take care of your kids. It just seems dysfunctional and interferes with his ability to be a decent, reliable companion.

So I guess the point is do I want to have a boyfriend who is like this or not. I wasn’t planning to break up with him over it. It’s annoying and I was just looking for insights from others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And it sounds that you are dating him for a very long time accumulating a resentment. Your relationship didn’t result in marriage after 7 years for a reason. He doesn’t feel you are his family. If this is not what you want just leave him

We mutually do not want to remarry. I definitely don’t want to marry him, but I do love him. I have my own money luckily so that’s not an issue. I do resent that he will upend our time for something insignificant that she should be able to deal with on her own. It’s ridiculous. One time she went to dentist in her college town. Didn’t like the dentist. So he flew out to get her, brought her to childhood dentist, then flew her back. Birthdays are a 3-4 royal parade of events. I don’t share this values- that’s correct whoever mentioned that. When we are together we have so much fun though. He becomes kind of irrational when her “check engine” light comes on, or she needs OTC allergy medicine, for example. And she’s constantly out of money, needs all new furniture emergently, has to have tickets to whatever music festival is going on etc. Everything just comes to a screeching halt when she has a new need. I’m a mom to two kids- I get the need to take care of your kids. It just seems dysfunctional and interferes with his ability to be a decent, reliable companion.

So I guess the point is do I want to have a boyfriend who is like this or not. I wasn’t planning to break up with him over it. It’s annoying and I was just looking for insights from others.

It doesn’t out of touch to me to fly get your daughter from college town for a dental visit if it was a serious dental surgery. The costs of such surgeries are way more than avia fare. If she was in paint it’s understandable he flew there. It sounds though as if he himself WANTS to spend more time with his daughter, misses this sense of a real family and thus spoils her

Maybe it’s time for you two think about a baby or adoption? He can have a family and this will shift his excessive attention to grown up daughter

[Anonymous]

Sorry for typos above - and if he wants several expensive bdays for her - it’s his money in the end

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing you raised your kids in a middle class environment and your boyfriend raised his with a lot more money.

I grew up in a small town and moved to a very wealthy part of MoCo as a young adult. I’ve been here for 20 years now and I’m still shocked by some of the behaviors around me. These are the most entitled, helpless, depressed, anxious women I’ve ever known. They don’t know who they are, need constant advice, are defined by who they know and where they went to high school. They are 40 yr old SAHMs with nannies and FT housekeepers and two sets of local grandparents who constantly complain about never getting a break, their kids, husbands, schools… literally everything. Getting blackout drunk is common among all ages in this crowd too.

I am fascinated by this culture but can’t be around it all the time. I find most of it gross. You may be the same way?

[Anonymous]

Wow OP and some other posters are stepmomsters. You have no concern for these girls who are obviously dealing with serious issues. These men have failed at parenting and you're not even encouraging them to help their daughters. You're getting angry every time they spend time and money on their own children and you're driving a wedge between them and their kids.

These men are terrible fathers for dating or marrying women who don't respect his children. It's sad that OP's BF doesn't dump OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a dealbreaker. End it now. It’s not working. Relationships shouldn’t be this hard.

No wonder DCUM has so many divorcees posting. Two minutes after the OP, in the very first response, someone chimes in with, "Break up immediately!" I am constantly amazed at the ease with which people suggest breaking up/divorcing.

Do you realize we are all imperfect humans just trying to get by? Or do you think Prince Charming is waiting for you shirtless on his stallion as soon as you get rid of the man whose parenting style you slightly disagree with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And it sounds that you are dating him for a very long time accumulating a resentment. Your relationship didn’t result in marriage after 7 years for a reason. He doesn’t feel you are his family. If this is not what you want just leave him

We mutually do not want to remarry. I definitely don’t want to marry him, but I do love him. I have my own money luckily so that’s not an issue. I do resent that he will upend our time for something insignificant that she should be able to deal with on her own. It’s ridiculous. One time she went to dentist in her college town. Didn’t like the dentist. So he flew out to get her, brought her to childhood dentist, then flew her back. Birthdays are a 3-4 royal parade of events. I don’t share this values- that’s correct whoever mentioned that. When we are together we have so much fun though. He becomes kind of irrational when her “check engine” light comes on, or she needs OTC allergy medicine, for example. And she’s constantly out of money, needs all new furniture emergently, has to have tickets to whatever music festival is going on etc. Everything just comes to a screeching halt when she has a new need. I’m a mom to two kids- I get the need to take care of your kids. It just seems dysfunctional and interferes with his ability to be a decent, reliable companion.

So I guess the point is do I want to have a boyfriend who is like this or not. I wasn’t planning to break up with him over it. It’s annoying and I was just looking for insights from others.

It doesn’t out of touch to me to fly get your daughter from college town for a dental visit if it was a serious dental surgery. The costs of such surgeries are way more than avia fare. If she was in paint it’s understandable he flew there. It sounds though as if he himself WANTS to spend more time with his daughter, misses this sense of a real family and thus spoils her

Maybe it’s time for you two think about a baby or adoption? He can have a family and this will shift his excessive attention to grown up daughter

No surgery. Where did you get surgery. Project much?

[Anonymous]

I'm of two minds here.

One is that he probably doesn't want to spoil a 21 year old, but that he obviously can't go back and do less coddling when she was younger. If she has screaming tantrums over a book, she obviously has no coping skills to deal with her parents suddenly expecting her to be a young adult. So I can understand that this situation won't be changing, and wouldn't expect it to.

On the other hand, it's pretty unattractive that he was either too oblivious or too weak-willed to do a better job when she was younger and he could have helped her detach and launch. So being constantly reminded of his less appealing traits through this never-ending drama may make the relationship untenable.

I'm sure there's some nature mixed in with the nurture here, and bad parenting isn't completely to blame. She likely does have legitimate mental health struggles, which perpetuate the cycle of her parents not wanting to put too much on her. So you can try to have empathy in that regard. Women especially with mental health issues are often branded hysterical, spoiled brats.