Man I’m dating constantly rescues 21 yr old daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Extremely annoying
Ridiculous stuff he’s done
Really, really annoyed with hm
Comment on my kids/parenting
Distasteful
Not raised like this

Read your own words. You deserve better.

OP here thanks for this illustrative passage extraction. I didn’t realize my words were so strong. All of that is true. He’s pretty great in other ways. But far from perfect.

The pattern just irritates me and I’m wondering if anyone else has or has had a similar experience? I’d prefer to ignore it but it’s hard since he then complains about how spoiled she is. I’m sitting there going NO SH!T SHERLOCK. He doesn’t seem to fully realize what he’s doing due to the all powerful Daddy bias.

We need examples

Standby have to get to my laptop. Phone is too small for this list! 😉

[Anonymous]

My BIL supports his adult son 100%. The adult son has clinical depression, sleep issues and Asperger's and despite a high IQ dropped out of college and has never had a job.

I would not inject judgement into this unless you are extremely sure this young lady does not have severe issues that may not be entirely visible to you.

But yes, it could be a dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My BIL supports his adult son 100%. The adult son has clinical depression, sleep issues and Asperger's and despite a high IQ dropped out of college and has never had a job.

I would not inject judgement into this unless you are extremely sure this young lady does not have severe issues that may not be entirely visible to you.

But yes, it could be a dealbreaker.

This is so accurate. And yes, easily a dealbreaker. Stepchildren dynamics are challenging at all ages. There are obviously issues of some sort; maybe not severe ones, but at least anxiety. It is so easy to throw around “spoiled”, “coddled” and “failure to launch” at parents when you have fully functioning adult children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My BIL supports his adult son 100%. The adult son has clinical depression, sleep issues and Asperger's and despite a high IQ dropped out of college and has never had a job.

I would not inject judgement into this unless you are extremely sure this young lady does not have severe issues that may not be entirely visible to you.

But yes, it could be a dealbreaker.

Sounds like his adult son needs nearly custodial care. you have a very kind and loving BIL.

No, his daughter does not have those issues. She is very smart and does not have mental or physical health issues. I've known her since she was 13 and in 8th grade, now she's 21 and a college sophomore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And it’s extremely annoying. I am a parent of two daughters myself so I understand the temptation very well. HOWEVER he and his ex wife have created an intolerable spoiled brat who runs screaming at the first iota of discomfort. I won’t detail the ridiculous stuff he’s done (unless anyone wants to hear it!). However it makes me feel really REALLY annoyed with him. I never comment because he doesn’t ask me what I think about his parenting except if he needs gift suggestions etc for her. Fine. He feels free to openly comment on my kids/parenting however, which is distasteful. I know it’s not wrong to help your kid but he is hobbling her by immediately showing up at the slightest complaint. Which ultimately doesn’t matter since she won’t ever have to solve any actual problems. Daddy will come to the rescue. I was not raised like this and neither were most people I know.

Is this a vent? I don’t know. I’d like to have a consistently good relationship with him and ignore the spoiled bratty (and she truly is!) daughter part but it constantly affects our relationship in small and large ways. Anyone else?

Let’s be blunt here. He’s a bad parent.

[Anonymous]

I think it is a deal breaker because your family values are different. I'd hate to have a stepmother who can't stand me, or who wished I wouldn't call my father. Let him find a better fit for his family.

[Anonymous]

He’s actually damaging his child’s development. He’s either lazy or incompetent.

[Anonymous]

Are there that few available men that you need to keep this one? Roll the dice and find a new one.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you are the problem. If she's in college, he should be supporting her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah…get out while you can. I had the same red flags about my now DH…he and his ex rescued his HS age daughter from every possible minor inconvenience or consequence. So she never learned a lesson…and she also never learned how to cope with any kind of setback. She is now 28 and completely loses her shit at places like the DMV, where all of us go in with low expectations and then feel delight if things go smoothly. Instead, SD expects to everything, every day to be perfectly smooth sailing and cannot COPE with anything that doesn’t go according to plan.

She can’t hold down a job because she can’t take any kind of redirection or criticism. It’s always everyone else’s fault and she’s always angry at the word for not catering to her.

DH has come around to see how detrimental it was for him to smooth out every tiny wrinkle ahead of her. The cost has been enormous though…addictions, incarcerations, multiple failed stints in rehab, 6 semesters’ worth of tuition down the drain (dropped out each one…always someone else’s fault). She is nearing 30 and has the emotional coping skills of a…3rd grader, maybe?

There is no satisfaction in the “I told you so” now that he realizes the damage he did. The problem is, she has no self awareness and now that dad is no longer bailing her out (literally) she has found other men to do it. Sadder still, her mom is literally bankrupt from all of the $$ she had thrown at SD’s lawyers and rehabs and security deposits…but still won’t say no. Still just doesn’t want to see her baby hurt…so she hurts her by continually enabling her because she can’t cope with that discomfort.

Anyway, I’ve lost a lot of years of my life trying to “help”…and really just draining it own self of peace. You can’t fix this guy. Bail.

OP here wow that’s a sad saga to read. Thank you for sharing and I am truly sorry for the kid who’s now a child-adult, the family, and of course you. You’ve been the sensible witness to so much needless drama, it sounds like. Wow I really hope my boyfriend’s (he’s more than a BF, but not a “partner”, we aren’t married and don’t live together) daughter doesn’t go this route but I can already see that her boyfriend is the stand in Daddy when actually Daddy is not present. Luckily the family is wealthy so she won’t have to actually struggle but I’d like to for the two of us to get o. With our lives. My daughters are fully functional young adults and it’s wonderful to see. They are nothing special (except to me!!💗) but they are competent and can cope the DMV, laundry, bank accounts, shoe tying, unpleasant weather, roommates, etc.

Thanks for taking the time to share.

I have an inkling that you’re referring to your BF rescuing his SD from a roommate issue. I just want to say that there are some kids out there who make horrible, horrible roommates. The unsupervised nature of college, even in dorms, can lead to kids getting away with a lot of stuff no matter how much documentation or complaints there are. Unfortunately, my dd was so anguished in her roommate situation this year for so long that we ended up having to pay for her to live in an off-campus apartment for the last few months to escape her roommates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My BIL supports his adult son 100%. The adult son has clinical depression, sleep issues and Asperger's and despite a high IQ dropped out of college and has never had a job.

I would not inject judgement into this unless you are extremely sure this young lady does not have severe issues that may not be entirely visible to you.

But yes, it could be a dealbreaker.

This is so accurate. And yes, easily a dealbreaker. Stepchildren dynamics are challenging at all ages. There are obviously issues of some sort; maybe not severe ones, but at least anxiety. It is so easy to throw around “spoiled”, “coddled” and “failure to launch” at parents when you have fully functioning adult children.

Yeah, this isn't the case though. She is 21 and of an age where window-shattering screaming tantrums over a lost book (actual event) followed by Dad rushing out to drive all over town to find a replacement book.

My kids have had to feel some regular everyday consequences, etc, so they can deal with basic issues. I wasn't aware that I was raising them this way at the time. I, along with their Dad, just showed them more or less how to deal with life.

Two things about this kid are that due to her parent's divorce, they overcompensate for everything- like two birthdays (a half birthday party?!), etc. The other is she is an only child had to slightly older parents so she is VERY PRECIOUS to them. I think they are still traumatized by pregnancy losses, 25+ years later. And this daughter is SO precious to them that they cannot abide her having even the slightest discomfort of real life. I do have empathy for them, in that respect.

However... c'mon, it's a bit weird now. I'll reply with a list of more examples, but I guarantee any of you common-sense parents would agree with me- just think of people you know who overindulged young kids, but imagine they continue to do this for early 20s and beyond. I suspect this will never end or abate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah…get out while you can. I had the same red flags about my now DH…he and his ex rescued his HS age daughter from every possible minor inconvenience or consequence. So she never learned a lesson…and she also never learned how to cope with any kind of setback. She is now 28 and completely loses her shit at places like the DMV, where all of us go in with low expectations and then feel delight if things go smoothly. Instead, SD expects to everything, every day to be perfectly smooth sailing and cannot COPE with anything that doesn’t go according to plan.

She can’t hold down a job because she can’t take any kind of redirection or criticism. It’s always everyone else’s fault and she’s always angry at the word for not catering to her.

DH has come around to see how detrimental it was for him to smooth out every tiny wrinkle ahead of her. The cost has been enormous though…addictions, incarcerations, multiple failed stints in rehab, 6 semesters’ worth of tuition down the drain (dropped out each one…always someone else’s fault). She is nearing 30 and has the emotional coping skills of a…3rd grader, maybe?

There is no satisfaction in the “I told you so” now that he realizes the damage he did. The problem is, she has no self awareness and now that dad is no longer bailing her out (literally) she has found other men to do it. Sadder still, her mom is literally bankrupt from all of the $$ she had thrown at SD’s lawyers and rehabs and security deposits…but still won’t say no. Still just doesn’t want to see her baby hurt…so she hurts her by continually enabling her because she can’t cope with that discomfort.

Anyway, I’ve lost a lot of years of my life trying to “help”…and really just draining it own self of peace. You can’t fix this guy. Bail.

OP here wow that’s a sad saga to read. Thank you for sharing and I am truly sorry for the kid who’s now a child-adult, the family, and of course you. You’ve been the sensible witness to so much needless drama, it sounds like. Wow I really hope my boyfriend’s (he’s more than a BF, but not a “partner”, we aren’t married and don’t live together) daughter doesn’t go this route but I can already see that her boyfriend is the stand in Daddy when actually Daddy is not present. Luckily the family is wealthy so she won’t have to actually struggle but I’d like to for the two of us to get o. With our lives. My daughters are fully functional young adults and it’s wonderful to see. They are nothing special (except to me!!💗) but they are competent and can cope the DMV, laundry, bank accounts, shoe tying, unpleasant weather, roommates, etc.

Thanks for taking the time to share.

I have an inkling that you’re referring to your BF rescuing his SD from a roommate issue. I just want to say that there are some kids out there who make horrible, horrible roommates. The unsupervised nature of college, even in dorms, can lead to kids getting away with a lot of stuff no matter how much documentation or complaints there are. Unfortunately, my dd was so anguished in her roommate situation this year for so long that we ended up having to pay for her to live in an off-campus apartment for the last few months to escape her roommates.

OP here sorry to hear this but no this was not me. Sorry for your daughter! That sounds scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Extremely annoying
Ridiculous stuff he’s done
Really, really annoyed with hm
Comment on my kids/parenting
Distasteful
Not raised like this

Read your own words. You deserve better.

Or maybe he does.

[Anonymous]

OP- were you the reason for the divorce or other adultery on part of the father ? I wonder how many of these damaged adult children are result of a divorce trauma. Dad behaves like he feels guilty

[Anonymous]

Oh the family’s wealthy. That’s why you are still dating him when you are obviously completely incompatible?