Bar mitzvah invitation expectations/etiquette

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the equivalent of a birthday party, just with services added. No, parents don't attend with their kids unless you're friends with the parents. It's often fine to skip the services part... just ask the parents.

The whole point is the service, Do not assume to skip it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not assumed that the parent will attend. Families of guests often coordinate carpool situations to get the kids to the service and then to the party.

So what happens if none of DS's friends are attending with their parents? Are parents expected to just sit in their cars outside the service and then outside the reception until someone gives the signal that things are wrapping up? There are no start or end times listed for the reception.

Either arrange car pool, or drop your kid off, come back an hour and a half later and drive them to the reception. You are not invited if you are not in the invitation.

Anyone can attend the service- it is not a private event. It’s open to anyone in the congregation to attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised to see people mentioning just skipping the service. I have always thought that was considered rude unless you really have a major conflict to share with the hosts. Larlo's grandmother is having a 90th birthday breakfast or ??

Call the synagogue for the pick up time. I would have him call from the reception when ready to leave.

If this seems like too much because he is not a close friend..just decline.

Yes, it is rude to skip the service. THe service is the point of the entire bar/bat mitzvah. You can attend with your child if you want. Services are open to the public, and you might appreciate it and learn something interesting about your Jewish neighbors culture.

The parties typically are 3-4 hours and only for the person who was invited. If you want to check. on pick up time, just email the parents in advance - not on the day of the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the equivalent of a birthday party, just with services added. No, parents don't attend with their kids unless you're friends with the parents. It's often fine to skip the services part... just ask the parents.

That’s not really helpful to OP given the logistics.

Sounds like a big hassle.

At least when I grew up, many of the kids skipped the services part and just went to the reception. That's the point -- if the kid doesn't need to go to services then the parent can just drive them to the reception. Easy. Same as any other birthday party.

OP here. Some of the invitations provide specific times for the receptions, so we might do that for those invitations. The one I referred to in my original post is the most opaque and is irking me a bit. My son isn't super close to the kid and seems kind of indifferent to attending, so maybe we will just decline that one.

I agree OP. The bar mitzvahs are such a pain. Between the time commitment., the dress requirements and the expected gift amounts it's really annoying and much too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the equivalent of a birthday party, just with services added. No, parents don't attend with their kids unless you're friends with the parents. It's often fine to skip the services part... just ask the parents.

That’s not really helpful to OP given the logistics.

Sounds like a big hassle.

At least when I grew up, many of the kids skipped the services part and just went to the reception. That's the point -- if the kid doesn't need to go to services then the parent can just drive them to the reception. Easy. Same as any other birthday party.

OP here. Some of the invitations provide specific times for the receptions, so we might do that for those invitations. The one I referred to in my original post is the most opaque and is irking me a bit. My son isn't super close to the kid and seems kind of indifferent to attending, so maybe we will just decline that one.

I agree OP. The bar mitzvahs are such a pain. Between the time commitment., the dress requirements and the expected gift amounts it's really annoying and much too much.

I agree. we've starting declining then all. People invite all kind of kids that their children barely know. I feel like my kids are warm bodies and checks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s another version: is it OK to invite adult friends (like colleague/friends or people I know from volunteering) to the service and the kiddush luncheon, but not the nighttime party, which is kids, relatives and a few longtime friends from out of town? Or is that rude?

Yes, that would be pretty rude.

Besides, you don’t technically invite people to the service (assuming it’s not a private service). That’s open to anyone.

Eh, I think it's borderline, provided you make sure that you spend time with them during the Kiddush. I had several colleagues that came for the service and stayed for the meal afterwards, but didn't come to the party afterwards (and they were invited). If they are not friends with your family/know others there, I don't think it's that bad.

Disagree that this is rude or borderline. Growing up, this was done all the time in my community. We are doing this for my daughter's also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not assumed that the parent will attend. Families of guests often coordinate carpool situations to get the kids to the service and then to the party.

So what happens if none of DS's friends are attending with their parents? Are parents expected to just sit in their cars outside the service and then outside the reception until someone gives the signal that things are wrapping up? There are no start or end times listed for the reception.

Either arrange car pool, or drop your kid off, come back an hour and a half later and drive them to the reception. You are not invited if you are not in the invitation.

This is very weird. OP doesn’t have the guest list. More to the point, she doesn’t know which kids have parents also going that could potentially drive. Is she supposed to cold call parents she doesn’t know to see if they can take her kid after the service? Or is her kid supposed to just ask strangers there to drive him.

As the host, if you are inviting unattended minors to a two-part/location party, it is your responsibility to transportation or facilitate a carpool

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just decline. Seems like too many hoops to jump through

Wait outside for the kid to drive him to the next event. Hello no big whoop. Not rocket science right?

Are you insane? Wait outside in the car to chauffeur one of my children on our precious weekends? We have other children and other places to be and things to do.
Hard pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole you must do x y z and bring a or b but not c and it has to be at least worth x amount but only in multiples of y or you’ll be talked about and shunned from other invites is why people don’t want to come. What ever happened to teaching children to be gracious and grateful

How is this any different than asking what to bring for a shower/wedding? Or find a dress for a particular event? The people asking have likely never been to a B'Nai Mitzvah and want to be gracious guests and hence, are asking about etiquette and customs. Will anyone get mad if they don't bring a gift, or it's $50 and not a multiple of $18? OF COURSE NOT. But if someone is posting on here ASKING for advice, I presume it's because they want to be respectful of traditions.

It's not a wedding and even if it were a wedding, no one is told what to wear unless they are part of the service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just decline. Seems like too many hoops to jump through

Wait outside for the kid to drive him to the next event. Hello no big whoop. Not rocket science right?

Are you insane? Wait outside in the car to chauffeur one of my children on our precious weekends? We have other children and other places to be and things to do.
Hard pass.

Agree. I’m not doing that. We’ve had birthday parties where we start at venue then go to another or a restaurant or back to our house for an activity. I arrange transportation among the seats available with the adults that will be present. Asking parents to wait around or drive to different locations isn’t reasonable. Parent drop off and pick up. Whatever you do between drop of and picking up, the party host is responsible for coordinating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how I spent 8th grade Saturdays, just like how going to weddings was how I spent a decade of prime weekends (so many lost Memorial Day weekends!) in my 20s and early 30s. But there were certain friends during that period in my life who were notorious no-shows at weddings and were always last-minute yeses or nos depending on what better things might come up.

I think there are two camps of people chiming in on this thread: people who see these big events as true rites and an important and essential part of human life, and people who are pretty meh on them and see them as interchangeable with any other activities…until people RSVP no to their own event.

It is possible to see them as big events for the kid and their family but not as big events for every person who gets an invitation. A kid who isn't Jewish and therefore has no BM of their own or of their family members' to attend is only going to have a handful of must-accepts. The rest can absolutely be skipped for other commitments, tricky logistics, or just not feeling it.

And when these kids grow up and get invited to destination weddings, they'll be free to skip those, too

[Anonymous]

The micro level antisemitism in a lot of these responses is really hard to take. These kids work incredibly hard to prepare for this day and families are trying to warmly include friends and family in celebration of that accomplishment. That’s it! We know that non-Jewish guests may not be familiar with certain aspects of the service and party, so we try to communicate it but of course are happy to answer any/all questions. The invitation is not a summons. If you have a conflict, you have a conflict. But hearing it described as obnoxious or interpreting the invites as gift grabs is pretty heartbreaking. If I were invited to a christening or baptism, I would have very little idea what to wear/bring/length of event. Same for quincinera or a multi day Indian wedding. But I would ask and would be honored and excited to join in the joy of the host family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised to see people mentioning just skipping the service. I have always thought that was considered rude unless you really have a major conflict to share with the hosts. Larlo's grandmother is having a 90th birthday breakfast or ??

Call the synagogue for the pick up time. I would have him call from the reception when ready to leave.

If this seems like too much because he is not a close friend..just decline.

I would not allow my child to skip the service.
The Bar or Bat Mitzvah service is the important part.

DCUM will disagree I am sure.

Most kids work hard for their bar or bat mitzvah.

And yes it is rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the equivalent of a birthday party, just with services added. No, parents don't attend with their kids unless you're friends with the parents. It's often fine to skip the services part... just ask the parents.

That’s not really helpful to OP given the logistics.

Sounds like a big hassle.

At least when I grew up, many of the kids skipped the services part and just went to the reception. That's the point -- if the kid doesn't need to go to services then the parent can just drive them to the reception. Easy. Same as any other birthday party.

OP here. Some of the invitations provide specific times for the receptions, so we might do that for those invitations. The one I referred to in my original post is the most opaque and is irking me a bit. My son isn't super close to the kid and seems kind of indifferent to attending, so maybe we will just decline that one.

I agree OP. The bar mitzvahs are such a pain. Between the time commitment., the dress requirements and the expected gift amounts it's really annoying and much too much.

You re discusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The micro level antisemitism in a lot of these responses is really hard to take. These kids work incredibly hard to prepare for this day and families are trying to warmly include friends and family in celebration of that accomplishment. That’s it! We know that non-Jewish guests may not be familiar with certain aspects of the service and party, so we try to communicate it but of course are happy to answer any/all questions. The invitation is not a summons. If you have a conflict, you have a conflict. But hearing it described as obnoxious or interpreting the invites as gift grabs is pretty heartbreaking. If I were invited to a christening or baptism, I would have very little idea what to wear/bring/length of event. Same for quincinera or a multi day Indian wedding. But I would ask and would be honored and excited to join in the joy of the host family.

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