Bar mitzvah invitation expectations/etiquette

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the equivalent of a birthday party, just with services added. No, parents don't attend with their kids unless you're friends with the parents. It's often fine to skip the services part... just ask the parents.

That’s not really helpful to OP given the logistics.

Sounds like a big hassle.

At least when I grew up, many of the kids skipped the services part and just went to the reception. That's the point -- if the kid doesn't need to go to services then the parent can just drive them to the reception. Easy. Same as any other birthday party.

Nobody skipped the services when I was a kid, and nobody skipped the services when my kids got bar/bat mitzvah'd. That would be the rudest thing ever. Totally inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

You need to ask the parents what the plan for transportation should be. They could write back and tell you the service is expected to end at a certain time or they may be providing transportation. Are you sure it's not walking distance? Many receptions my child has attended are either at the location or across the street.

Sometimes they even have a bus or van to take the kids separately as they know many of them will be in the same boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the equivalent of a birthday party, just with services added. No, parents don't attend with their kids unless you're friends with the parents. It's often fine to skip the services part... just ask the parents.

That’s not really helpful to OP given the logistics.

Sounds like a big hassle.

At least when I grew up, many of the kids skipped the services part and just went to the reception. That's the point -- if the kid doesn't need to go to services then the parent can just drive them to the reception. Easy. Same as any other birthday party.

Nobody skipped the services when I was a kid, and nobody skipped the services when my kids got bar/bat mitzvah'd. That would be the rudest thing ever. Totally inappropriate.

My child would never skip but I do understand sometimes kids may have other plans in the morning but their friends want to celebrate with them during the party. I don't think it's that black and white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 13 yo is starting to get a bunch of bar mitzvah invitations, and I am not sure what the etiquette is here (we are not Jewish). The outer envelopes are addressed to him individually and there is no indication inside the invitation that it includes any other family members. I barely know the parents (we've met, but never had more than brief conversations), so I wouldn't necessarily expect anyone other than him to be invited but for the logistics of the events. For instance, one in front of me has a service at 10 am at the temple and then a reception that I assume immediately follows (the invitation doesn't give a time, it just says "celebrate with us following the service at...") at a location 20 minutes away from the temple. Obviously he can't drive himself from the service to the reception site, so is it assumed a parent will attend with him? I could just ask the parents, but don't want to put them in an awkward spot if there's something I'm overlooking here. Thanks!

OP,
There isn’t really a hard and fast end time to services. Think about if your child were going to a school play or graduation. It’s that kind of situation where you can absolutely ask the hosts about a general time you should plan to pick up your child. It would not be rude at all to ask so you can coordinate logistics. Often if the party is directly after services at a different location, families will arrange a bus for the 13 year old friends. I wouldn’t assume this, but they may give you this info after they collect all their Yes rsvps and know how many they are transporting.
I would really think twice about declining the invite entirely like some PPs have suggested simply due to a little confusion over logistics. These kids study and work so hard to prepare for this big day. It means a lot to them to have their friends there supporting them and celebrating their accomplishment.
Do not hesitate to ask questions about logistics, attire, etc. We do not expect non-Jews to know the ins and outs of our customs, just as we would not know the ins and outs of other religious ceremonies, etc.

[Anonymous]

What is a lot or a ton of invitations? Feeling left out I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is a lot or a ton of invitations? Feeling left out I guess.

I think it varies--my daughter is Jewish, has quite a few Jewish friends btwn middle school and religious school, and goes to Jewish summer camp so she's going to like 20/25 mitzvahs this year and I would say that's common amongst the Jewish friends. I would say most of her school friends (non-Jewish) in the area are going to an average of 6 or 7, maybe a few more than that. Don't feel bad. I think some people are really downsizing their parties coming out of the height of the pandemic, so some are choosing smaller events with smaller guest lists. It really all depends.

[Anonymous]

Skip the boring part drop him off for the party

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not Jewish either, but this just isn't a mystery. Either have your kid talk to a few friends about arranging a carpool to the reception, or wait, or come back 90 minutes later. You're a parent. This is what you do.

[Anonymous]

Usually there is a bus to take kids to the reception. If not, I'd skipped service. Too many logistics. I am Jewish and if I could not afford a bus to take all the kids kind enough to attend service then i would have no issue with parents just sending kids to reception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the equivalent of a birthday party, just with services added. No, parents don't attend with their kids unless you're friends with the parents. It's often fine to skip the services part... just ask the parents.

That’s not really helpful to OP given the logistics.

Sounds like a big hassle.

At least when I grew up, many of the kids skipped the services part and just went to the reception. That's the point -- if the kid doesn't need to go to services then the parent can just drive them to the reception. Easy. Same as any other birthday party.

My daughter is not Jewish and has never missed a service for one of her friends. She loves hearing them read and their speech. Being there to support them instead of just family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is a lot or a ton of invitations? Feeling left out I guess.

Not the OP but my daughter is 12 and she had 3 last Spring, 5 in the Fall and 4 so far this Spring. We live in Rockville with a pretty high Jewish population though. And because of Covid a few are having their celebrations after what they would have originally.

[Anonymous]

The invitation is only for your son, unless it specifically has your names on it, just like with. wedding invitation. Most of the time the kids are all dropped off at the temple for the services and sometimes the family arranges transportation for all the kids to the party venue if it is right after, and sometimes of it is much later then you are expected to pick your kid up after services and then take them to the party venue later. Most people figure out carpooling but I know it can be tricky trying to figure out who was invited, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the equivalent of a birthday party, just with services added. No, parents don't attend with their kids unless you're friends with the parents. It's often fine to skip the services part... just ask the parents.

That’s not really helpful to OP given the logistics.

Sounds like a big hassle.

At least when I grew up, many of the kids skipped the services part and just went to the reception. That's the point -- if the kid doesn't need to go to services then the parent can just drive them to the reception. Easy. Same as any other birthday party.

Nobody skipped the services when I was a kid, and nobody skipped the services when my kids got bar/bat mitzvah'd. That would be the rudest thing ever. Totally inappropriate.

My child would never skip but I do understand sometimes kids may have other plans in the morning but their friends want to celebrate with them during the party. I don't think it's that black and white.

It's nice if my kid can go, but the problem is for kids, like mine, who have something standing every Saturday morning. Then 7th grade comes and you might have a lot of Jewish friends or go to a private school where it is customary to invite the whole class (I had one of each of these situations) and it's also not great for the kid to miss so many Saturdays of their activity. So, I guess you have to decide on your etiquette. My kids made a point to go to services for their close friends, but often, it's just the party.

[Anonymous]

I find your tone offensive OP. It sounds like the Mitzvah boy’s parents were being inclusive and inviting the entire grade. If your son doesn’t want to go, politely decline the invitation.

Often the hosts will rent buses to take the kids from the service to the reception especially in an arrangement like this but it’s not required. If this is the case it’s usually noted on the imitation. If it’s too inconvenient for you to find him a carpool or wait for him during the service, just decline.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that OP would be “irked” by her son receiving a bar mitzvah invitation from a family that’s clearly trying to be celebratory and inclusive.

[Anonymous]

+1
Just decline OP. It sounds like you and your child are surprised you are invited and don't care much other than it's a logistical challenge for you.

I would not impose on the hosts if I were in your situation.

My child has gone to everything invited to but my child is happy to go to the service and finds them really enlightening and is always really in awe of the friend and everything it took to get to that day. If your child feels differently just skip and maybe they can make room for someone else.