Bar mitzvah invitation expectations/etiquette

[Anonymous]

My 13 yo is starting to get a bunch of bar mitzvah invitations, and I am not sure what the etiquette is here (we are not Jewish). The outer envelopes are addressed to him individually and there is no indication inside the invitation that it includes any other family members. I barely know the parents (we've met, but never had more than brief conversations), so I wouldn't necessarily expect anyone other than him to be invited but for the logistics of the events. For instance, one in front of me has a service at 10 am at the temple and then a reception that I assume immediately follows (the invitation doesn't give a time, it just says "celebrate with us following the service at...") at a location 20 minutes away from the temple. Obviously he can't drive himself from the service to the reception site, so is it assumed a parent will attend with him? I could just ask the parents, but don't want to put them in an awkward spot if there's something I'm overlooking here. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

It is not assumed that the parent will attend. Families of guests often coordinate carpool situations to get the kids to the service and then to the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not assumed that the parent will attend. Families of guests often coordinate carpool situations to get the kids to the service and then to the party.

So what happens if none of DS's friends are attending with their parents? Are parents expected to just sit in their cars outside the service and then outside the reception until someone gives the signal that things are wrapping up? There are no start or end times listed for the reception.

[Anonymous]

It's the equivalent of a birthday party, just with services added. No, parents don't attend with their kids unless you're friends with the parents. It's often fine to skip the services part... just ask the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the equivalent of a birthday party, just with services added. No, parents don't attend with their kids unless you're friends with the parents. It's often fine to skip the services part... just ask the parents.

That’s not really helpful to OP given the logistics.

Sounds like a big hassle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the equivalent of a birthday party, just with services added. No, parents don't attend with their kids unless you're friends with the parents. It's often fine to skip the services part... just ask the parents.

That’s not really helpful to OP given the logistics.

Sounds like a big hassle.

At least when I grew up, many of the kids skipped the services part and just went to the reception. That's the point -- if the kid doesn't need to go to services then the parent can just drive them to the reception. Easy. Same as any other birthday party.

[Anonymous]

The service is open to anyone. OP, you can attend the service. You child will probably sit with the other kids and not you. Only your son is invited to the reception at the other location.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the equivalent of a birthday party, just with services added. No, parents don't attend with their kids unless you're friends with the parents. It's often fine to skip the services part... just ask the parents.

That’s not really helpful to OP given the logistics.

Sounds like a big hassle.

At least when I grew up, many of the kids skipped the services part and just went to the reception. That's the point -- if the kid doesn't need to go to services then the parent can just drive them to the reception. Easy. Same as any other birthday party.

OP here. Some of the invitations provide specific times for the receptions, so we might do that for those invitations. The one I referred to in my original post is the most opaque and is irking me a bit. My son isn't super close to the kid and seems kind of indifferent to attending, so maybe we will just decline that one.

[Anonymous]

I have no idea what the hosting family expects people to do. We don't know how long the serivice will last. We don't know who else is invited.

We don't know the etiguette. More traditional settings, phones are not used on Saturdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the equivalent of a birthday party, just with services added. No, parents don't attend with their kids unless you're friends with the parents. It's often fine to skip the services part... just ask the parents.

That’s not really helpful to OP given the logistics.

Sounds like a big hassle.

At least when I grew up, many of the kids skipped the services part and just went to the reception. That's the point -- if the kid doesn't need to go to services then the parent can just drive them to the reception. Easy. Same as any other birthday party.

OP here. Some of the invitations provide specific times for the receptions, so we might do that for those invitations. The one I referred to in my original post is the most opaque and is irking me a bit. My son isn't super close to the kid and seems kind of indifferent to attending, so maybe we will just decline that one.

It's ok to decline if your kid isn't close to the other kid and other friends aren't going (or to decline for whatever reason). Only go with him to service if you are really interested in attending, otherwise drop off and have him call you when it's over or call synagogue and ask when Saturday morning services usually end (they are likely used to guests asking). Depending on the congregation, whether it's Reform or Conservative, length of service can really vary. Only he would attend the reception. Drop him off and pick him up like it's a birthday party.

[Anonymous]

We're Jewish and my DD just has hers and is getting tons of invites. It varies. If the outer envelope doesn't say "and family" then assume you as parents are not invited. Just your son is invited. It's perfectly acceptable to reach out to the mitzvah parents and ask which other kids from his school are invited so you can reach out to them to carpool. My daughter has been carpooling to a lot of these. In the event we can't work out a carpool, then yes, I've been driving her to the reception if the mitzvah family isn't providing transportation (their invite would indicate if they are), but mostly we've been carpooling. In some cases she hasn't been able to make the service, only the reception and it is polite to let the mitzvah family know this.

[Anonymous]

I am surprised to see people mentioning just skipping the service. I have always thought that was considered rude unless you really have a major conflict to share with the hosts. Larlo's grandmother is having a 90th birthday breakfast or ??

Call the synagogue for the pick up time. I would have him call from the reception when ready to leave.

If this seems like too much because he is not a close friend..just decline.

[Anonymous]

I would just decline. Seems like too many hoops to jump through

[Anonymous]

Yes it’s pretty rude to skip the service. That’s the important part (reading Torah, leading the service etc).

If your kid isn’t close to the bar mitzvah kid, it’s ok to decline.

[Anonymous]

No you don't attend with him. He goes, he gets a ride from random relatives of the kid getting bar/bat mitzvah'd. Unless they hire a party bus to take all the kids to the reception.