Bar mitzvah invitation expectations/etiquette

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just decline. Seems like too many hoops to jump through

Wait outside for the kid to drive him to the next event. Hello no big whoop. Not rocket science right?

Are you insane? Wait outside in the car to chauffeur one of my children on our precious weekends? We have other children and other places to be and things to do.
Hard pass.

Antisemite

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The micro level antisemitism in a lot of these responses is really hard to take. These kids work incredibly hard to prepare for this day and families are trying to warmly include friends and family in celebration of that accomplishment. That’s it! We know that non-Jewish guests may not be familiar with certain aspects of the service and party, so we try to communicate it but of course are happy to answer any/all questions. The invitation is not a summons. If you have a conflict, you have a conflict. But hearing it described as obnoxious or interpreting the invites as gift grabs is pretty heartbreaking. If I were invited to a christening or baptism, I would have very little idea what to wear/bring/length of event. Same for quincinera or a multi day Indian wedding. But I would ask and would be honored and excited to join in the joy of the host family.

[phone]

What? It isn't "antisemitism" to be annoyed that your chile was invited to a party that consists of different parts at different locations, but you the parent are not invited...oh but you need to drop off and pick up several times. I would expect the host to coordinate the logistics beyond me dropping off and picking up (once) if I am not attending the party myself. That is a normal expectation for any party involving kids that cannot transport themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The micro level antisemitism in a lot of these responses is really hard to take. These kids work incredibly hard to prepare for this day and families are trying to warmly include friends and family in celebration of that accomplishment. That’s it! We know that non-Jewish guests may not be familiar with certain aspects of the service and party, so we try to communicate it but of course are happy to answer any/all questions. The invitation is not a summons. If you have a conflict, you have a conflict. But hearing it described as obnoxious or interpreting the invites as gift grabs is pretty heartbreaking. If I were invited to a christening or baptism, I would have very little idea what to wear/bring/length of event. Same for quincinera or a multi day Indian wedding. But I would ask and would be honored and excited to join in the joy of the host family.

[phone]

What? It isn't "antisemitism" to be annoyed that your chile was invited to a party that consists of different parts at different locations, but you the parent are not invited...oh but you need to drop off and pick up several times. I would expect the host to coordinate the logistics beyond me dropping off and picking up (once) if I am not attending the party myself. That is a normal expectation for any party involving kids that cannot transport themselves.

It really kind of is. It’s you not understanding the timing of the way the religious event is typically celebrated and being annoyed by this which is mostly outside the host’s control. Think of it this way. Many people have a Catholic mass wedding at a church midday. Then the wedding party has pictures typically. I’ve been an out of town guest at weddings structured this way, and I wasn’t really given anything to do, any transportation, any food or guidance for what to do during that “pause” in the celebration before the party. But I understand that the mass was when the mass was, so I sat in Starbucks in my fancy dress trying not to spill or spoil my appetite because that is what I understood the day to be.

[Anonymous]

I would imagine this party has happened already.

My child would have declined the invite because the logistics were not feasible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The micro level antisemitism in a lot of these responses is really hard to take. These kids work incredibly hard to prepare for this day and families are trying to warmly include friends and family in celebration of that accomplishment. That’s it! We know that non-Jewish guests may not be familiar with certain aspects of the service and party, so we try to communicate it but of course are happy to answer any/all questions. The invitation is not a summons. If you have a conflict, you have a conflict. But hearing it described as obnoxious or interpreting the invites as gift grabs is pretty heartbreaking. If I were invited to a christening or baptism, I would have very little idea what to wear/bring/length of event. Same for quincinera or a multi day Indian wedding. But I would ask and would be honored and excited to join in the joy of the host family.

[phone]

What? It isn't "antisemitism" to be annoyed that your chile was invited to a party that consists of different parts at different locations, but you the parent are not invited...oh but you need to drop off and pick up several times. I would expect the host to coordinate the logistics beyond me dropping off and picking up (once) if I am not attending the party myself. That is a normal expectation for any party involving kids that cannot transport themselves.

It really kind of is. It’s you not understanding the timing of the way the religious event is typically celebrated and being annoyed by this which is mostly outside the host’s control. Think of it this way. Many people have a Catholic mass wedding at a church midday. Then the wedding party has pictures typically. I’ve been an out of town guest at weddings structured this way, and I wasn’t really given anything to do, any transportation, any food or guidance for what to do during that “pause” in the celebration before the party. But I understand that the mass was when the mass was, so I sat in Starbucks in my fancy dress trying not to spill or spoil my appetite because that is what I understood the day to be.

The thing is, many of our kids have one of these every weekend for 10 in a row. Can you imagine sitting in that Starbucks in your fancy dress every Saturday for 10 straight straight Saturdays? AND for couples you barely know?
That is what is being asked of these kids (and their families).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The micro level antisemitism in a lot of these responses is really hard to take. These kids work incredibly hard to prepare for this day and families are trying to warmly include friends and family in celebration of that accomplishment. That’s it! We know that non-Jewish guests may not be familiar with certain aspects of the service and party, so we try to communicate it but of course are happy to answer any/all questions. The invitation is not a summons. If you have a conflict, you have a conflict. But hearing it described as obnoxious or interpreting the invites as gift grabs is pretty heartbreaking. If I were invited to a christening or baptism, I would have very little idea what to wear/bring/length of event. Same for quincinera or a multi day Indian wedding. But I would ask and would be honored and excited to join in the joy of the host family.

[phone]

What? It isn't "antisemitism" to be annoyed that your chile was invited to a party that consists of different parts at different locations, but you the parent are not invited...oh but you need to drop off and pick up several times. I would expect the host to coordinate the logistics beyond me dropping off and picking up (once) if I am not attending the party myself. That is a normal expectation for any party involving kids that cannot transport themselves.

It really kind of is. It’s you not understanding the timing of the way the religious event is typically celebrated and being annoyed by this which is mostly outside the host’s control. Think of it this way. Many people have a Catholic mass wedding at a church midday. Then the wedding party has pictures typically. I’ve been an out of town guest at weddings structured this way, and I wasn’t really given anything to do, any transportation, any food or guidance for what to do during that “pause” in the celebration before the party. But I understand that the mass was when the mass was, so I sat in Starbucks in my fancy dress trying not to spill or spoil my appetite because that is what I understood the day to be.

The thing is, many of our kids have one of these every weekend for 10 in a row. Can you imagine sitting in that Starbucks in your fancy dress every Saturday for 10 straight straight Saturdays? AND for couples you barely know?
That is what is being asked of these kids (and their families).

I am not discounting that the drop offs are one more thing for busy parents to coordinate, although everyone somehow has kids in eleventy million sports and doesn’t complain about the numerous practice drop offs/pick ups. It is a main parenting responsibility at this age but I get it. However, it’s not one family inviting your child 10 weeks in a row, it’s each one extending an invite and they can’t control whether 9 others have come before them. Just try to put yourself in the shoes of the child who has worked very very hard toward this goal. If it were your child, you’d want him to have the support of his friends and family in spite of some carpooling logistics, wouldn’t you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The micro level antisemitism in a lot of these responses is really hard to take. These kids work incredibly hard to prepare for this day and families are trying to warmly include friends and family in celebration of that accomplishment. That’s it! We know that non-Jewish guests may not be familiar with certain aspects of the service and party, so we try to communicate it but of course are happy to answer any/all questions. The invitation is not a summons. If you have a conflict, you have a conflict. But hearing it described as obnoxious or interpreting the invites as gift grabs is pretty heartbreaking. If I were invited to a christening or baptism, I would have very little idea what to wear/bring/length of event. Same for quincinera or a multi day Indian wedding. But I would ask and would be honored and excited to join in the joy of the host family.

[phone]

What? It isn't "antisemitism" to be annoyed that your chile was invited to a party that consists of different parts at different locations, but you the parent are not invited...oh but you need to drop off and pick up several times. I would expect the host to coordinate the logistics beyond me dropping off and picking up (once) if I am not attending the party myself. That is a normal expectation for any party involving kids that cannot transport themselves.

It really kind of is. It’s you not understanding the timing of the way the religious event is typically celebrated and being annoyed by this which is mostly outside the host’s control. Think of it this way. Many people have a Catholic mass wedding at a church midday. Then the wedding party has pictures typically. I’ve been an out of town guest at weddings structured this way, and I wasn’t really given anything to do, any transportation, any food or guidance for what to do during that “pause” in the celebration before the party. But I understand that the mass was when the mass was, so I sat in Starbucks in my fancy dress trying not to spill or spoil my appetite because that is what I understood the day to be.

The big difference is that you were an adult. Adults can drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not assumed that the parent will attend. Families of guests often coordinate carpool situations to get the kids to the service and then to the party.

So what happens if none of DS's friends are attending with their parents? Are parents expected to just sit in their cars outside the service and then outside the reception until someone gives the signal that things are wrapping up? There are no start or end times listed for the reception.

Either arrange car pool, or drop your kid off, come back an hour and a half later and drive them to the reception. You are not invited if you are not in the invitation.

This is very weird. OP doesn’t have the guest list. More to the point, she doesn’t know which kids have parents also going that could potentially drive. Is she supposed to cold call parents she doesn’t know to see if they can take her kid after the service? Or is her kid supposed to just ask strangers there to drive him.

As the host, if you are inviting unattended minors to a two-part/location party, it is your responsibility to transportation or facilitate a carpool

These are 12 and 13 year olds. By 12 and 13 years old, my kid could absolutely manage to talk to their friends, find out who is going, and make a plan for a carpool. They could also take public transportation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The micro level antisemitism in a lot of these responses is really hard to take. These kids work incredibly hard to prepare for this day and families are trying to warmly include friends and family in celebration of that accomplishment. That’s it! We know that non-Jewish guests may not be familiar with certain aspects of the service and party, so we try to communicate it but of course are happy to answer any/all questions. The invitation is not a summons. If you have a conflict, you have a conflict. But hearing it described as obnoxious or interpreting the invites as gift grabs is pretty heartbreaking. If I were invited to a christening or baptism, I would have very little idea what to wear/bring/length of event. Same for quincinera or a multi day Indian wedding. But I would ask and would be honored and excited to join in the joy of the host family.

[phone]

What? It isn't "antisemitism" to be annoyed that your chile was invited to a party that consists of different parts at different locations, but you the parent are not invited...oh but you need to drop off and pick up several times. I would expect the host to coordinate the logistics beyond me dropping off and picking up (once) if I am not attending the party myself. That is a normal expectation for any party involving kids that cannot transport themselves.

It really kind of is. It’s you not understanding the timing of the way the religious event is typically celebrated and being annoyed by this which is mostly outside the host’s control. Think of it this way. Many people have a Catholic mass wedding at a church midday. Then the wedding party has pictures typically. I’ve been an out of town guest at weddings structured this way, and I wasn’t really given anything to do, any transportation, any food or guidance for what to do during that “pause” in the celebration before the party. But I understand that the mass was when the mass was, so I sat in Starbucks in my fancy dress trying not to spill or spoil my appetite because that is what I understood the day to be.

Weddings with big gaps between the ceremony and the reception are rude to guests. If you want to prioritize wedding photos over guests, that's your choice, but in that case don't talk about how important it is to have the support of your loved ones on this important day. Turns out it's a photo op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The micro level antisemitism in a lot of these responses is really hard to take. These kids work incredibly hard to prepare for this day and families are trying to warmly include friends and family in celebration of that accomplishment. That’s it! We know that non-Jewish guests may not be familiar with certain aspects of the service and party, so we try to communicate it but of course are happy to answer any/all questions. The invitation is not a summons. If you have a conflict, you have a conflict. But hearing it described as obnoxious or interpreting the invites as gift grabs is pretty heartbreaking. If I were invited to a christening or baptism, I would have very little idea what to wear/bring/length of event. Same for quincinera or a multi day Indian wedding. But I would ask and would be honored and excited to join in the joy of the host family.

[phone]

What? It isn't "antisemitism" to be annoyed that your chile was invited to a party that consists of different parts at different locations, but you the parent are not invited...oh but you need to drop off and pick up several times. I would expect the host to coordinate the logistics beyond me dropping off and picking up (once) if I am not attending the party myself. That is a normal expectation for any party involving kids that cannot transport themselves.

It really kind of is. It’s you not understanding the timing of the way the religious event is typically celebrated and being annoyed by this which is mostly outside the host’s control. Think of it this way. Many people have a Catholic mass wedding at a church midday. Then the wedding party has pictures typically. I’ve been an out of town guest at weddings structured this way, and I wasn’t really given anything to do, any transportation, any food or guidance for what to do during that “pause” in the celebration before the party. But I understand that the mass was when the mass was, so I sat in Starbucks in my fancy dress trying not to spill or spoil my appetite because that is what I understood the day to be.

But you are an adult. This is a child there alone, with no parent with them, and they can't drive. It isn't comparable at all. If you are inviting an unaccompanied child guest- to anything- you as the host, need to figure out the transportation logistics if want them at two places

[Anonymous]

I am jewish. I have to say that if you are going to have the party right after the ceremony, you should include transportation for the kid. if needed, scale back the budget for the party so you can afford the transportation.

If we have a party it will be at night or the next day (not on Shabbat) so we likely would not provide transportation.

I agree that going to the party and not the service is in poor taste unless there are extenuating circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The micro level antisemitism in a lot of these responses is really hard to take. These kids work incredibly hard to prepare for this day and families are trying to warmly include friends and family in celebration of that accomplishment. That’s it! We know that non-Jewish guests may not be familiar with certain aspects of the service and party, so we try to communicate it but of course are happy to answer any/all questions. The invitation is not a summons. If you have a conflict, you have a conflict. But hearing it described as obnoxious or interpreting the invites as gift grabs is pretty heartbreaking. If I were invited to a christening or baptism, I would have very little idea what to wear/bring/length of event. Same for quincinera or a multi day Indian wedding. But I would ask and would be honored and excited to join in the joy of the host family.

[phone]

What? It isn't "antisemitism" to be annoyed that your chile was invited to a party that consists of different parts at different locations, but you the parent are not invited...oh but you need to drop off and pick up several times. I would expect the host to coordinate the logistics beyond me dropping off and picking up (once) if I am not attending the party myself. That is a normal expectation for any party involving kids that cannot transport themselves.

It really kind of is. It’s you not understanding the timing of the way the religious event is typically celebrated and being annoyed by this which is mostly outside the host’s control. Think of it this way. Many people have a Catholic mass wedding at a church midday. Then the wedding party has pictures typically. I’ve been an out of town guest at weddings structured this way, and I wasn’t really given anything to do, any transportation, any food or guidance for what to do during that “pause” in the celebration before the party. But I understand that the mass was when the mass was, so I sat in Starbucks in my fancy dress trying not to spill or spoil my appetite because that is what I understood the day to be.

The thing is, many of our kids have one of these every weekend for 10 in a row. Can you imagine sitting in that Starbucks in your fancy dress every Saturday for 10 straight straight Saturdays? AND for couples you barely know?
That is what is being asked of these kids (and their families).

Get over yourself.