Bar mitzvah invitation expectations/etiquette

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find your tone offensive OP. It sounds like the Mitzvah boy’s parents were being inclusive and inviting the entire grade. If your son doesn’t want to go, politely decline the invitation.

Often the hosts will rent buses to take the kids from the service to the reception especially in an arrangement like this but it’s not required. If this is the case it’s usually noted on the imitation. If it’s too inconvenient for you to find him a carpool or wait for him during the service, just decline.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that OP would be “irked” by her son receiving a bar mitzvah invitation from a family that’s clearly trying to be celebratory and inclusive.

OP here. Wow, you are making a lot of assumptions. The whole grade was not invited, just a handful of kids. From what I understand from my son, this boy doesn't seem to have many friends at school (not mean or anything, just a bit socially awkward - weren't a lot of us at that age?). He and my son are friendly because they live nearby and sometimes walk home from school together. At first I also thought it might be a whole-grade invitation, but once I got the sense it wasn't I talked to my son and he decided to go because he gets that it would suck to do all that work and not have friends show up for you on your big day. I emailed the parents to get more information about the logistics so that's all squared away, and my son found a couple of friends who are also invited and got them on board as well so he won't feel awkward if he doesn't know anyone there. Problem solved.

Wow yourself, OP. In a later post you wondered why on earth your child was invited and said you were irked. Yes, incorrectly assumed they invited the whole grade but then we come to see that, no, the mitzvah boy is socially awkward and doesn’t have many friends.

Look- I’m glad your son found some friends to go with and that the transportation is taken care of. I just found your posts to be a bit hurtful and I’d assume the family of this boy would as well.

To the PP who said that kids shouldn’t skip the service, I simply disagree. We didn’t even invite most kids to the service for my son. To each his own.

What are you hurt by a post that has nothing to do with you?

I'm not even Jewish and I found the OP's posts offensive.

What was offensive about it? If it had been a sweet sixteen party of a neighbor’s anniversary party, would you have been equally offended?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the equivalent of a birthday party, just with services added. No, parents don't attend with their kids unless you're friends with the parents. It's often fine to skip the services part... just ask the parents.

That’s not really helpful to OP given the logistics.

Sounds like a big hassle.

At least when I grew up, many of the kids skipped the services part and just went to the reception. That's the point -- if the kid doesn't need to go to services then the parent can just drive them to the reception. Easy. Same as any other birthday party.

Nobody skipped the services when I was a kid, and nobody skipped the services when my kids got bar/bat mitzvah'd. That would be the rudest thing ever. Totally inappropriate.

Agree. It’s ok to go to the service and skip the party as long as you let them know for head count reasons that you cannot be at the party, but you shouldn’t skip the service and go to the party without a really good reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find your tone offensive OP. It sounds like the Mitzvah boy’s parents were being inclusive and inviting the entire grade. If your son doesn’t want to go, politely decline the invitation.

Often the hosts will rent buses to take the kids from the service to the reception especially in an arrangement like this but it’s not required. If this is the case it’s usually noted on the imitation. If it’s too inconvenient for you to find him a carpool or wait for him during the service, just decline.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that OP would be “irked” by her son receiving a bar mitzvah invitation from a family that’s clearly trying to be celebratory and inclusive.

Wtf? She’s just asking about the logistics. Are you implying she’s anti Semitic? Stop reading into things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1
Just decline OP. It sounds like you and your child are surprised you are invited and don't care much other than it's a logistical challenge for you.

I would not impose on the hosts if I were in your situation.

My child has gone to everything invited to but my child is happy to go to the service and finds them really enlightening and is always really in awe of the friend and everything it took to get to that day. If your child feels differently just skip and maybe they can make room for someone else.

She’s just asking what the logistics are, for god sakes! The reception is twenty minutes away and there’s no time on the invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the equivalent of a birthday party, just with services added. No, parents don't attend with their kids unless you're friends with the parents. It's often fine to skip the services part... just ask the parents.

That’s not really helpful to OP given the logistics.

Sounds like a big hassle.

At least when I grew up, many of the kids skipped the services part and just went to the reception. That's the point -- if the kid doesn't need to go to services then the parent can just drive them to the reception. Easy. Same as any other birthday party.

Nobody skipped the services when I was a kid, and nobody skipped the services when my kids got bar/bat mitzvah'd. That would be the rudest thing ever. Totally inappropriate.

My child would never skip but I do understand sometimes kids may have other plans in the morning but their friends want to celebrate with them during the party. I don't think it's that black and white.

It's nice if my kid can go, but the problem is for kids, like mine, who have something standing every Saturday morning. Then 7th grade comes and you might have a lot of Jewish friends or go to a private school where it is customary to invite the whole class (I had one of each of these situations) and it's also not great for the kid to miss so many Saturdays of their activity. So, I guess you have to decide on your etiquette. My kids made a point to go to services for their close friends, but often, it's just the party.

My child has actually had to skip the party a few times but made a point of going to the service, even if not close friends, to show support and be part of the celebration. My child is not Jewish but several BFFs are so DC knows how big of a deal it is for everyone involved.

Same here. The only time my daughter missed a service was when she was invited to two in one day and same timing. She chose the service for one and the party for the other.

Otherwise she goes to the service. I can’t imagine telling the parents. Sorry Suzy has soccer so she can’t make the service. But she will party with you tonight! It’s terrible etiquette.

!00%

Well, I made different choices. I wasn't going to have my kid miss 12 weeks of an activity over the course of the year. If a soccer game happens to be between the service and the party, perfect, those worked out swell. I didn't see our Saturday morning schedule as a reason to decline all party invites.

Well your choices were terrible. It is a very important day for that person. If they aren’t worthy of missing a soccer game to attend the service, you should have declined the party. That is beyond selfish and I am sure word spread about your child only going to the parties pretty quick. Embarrassing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find your tone offensive OP. It sounds like the Mitzvah boy’s parents were being inclusive and inviting the entire grade. If your son doesn’t want to go, politely decline the invitation.

Often the hosts will rent buses to take the kids from the service to the reception especially in an arrangement like this but it’s not required. If this is the case it’s usually noted on the imitation. If it’s too inconvenient for you to find him a carpool or wait for him during the service, just decline.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that OP would be “irked” by her son receiving a bar mitzvah invitation from a family that’s clearly trying to be celebratory and inclusive.

Wtf? She’s just asking about the logistics. Are you implying she’s anti Semitic? Stop reading into things.

I didn’t imply that whatsoever and yes I would comment similarly if this was a significant religious event of any kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find your tone offensive OP. It sounds like the Mitzvah boy’s parents were being inclusive and inviting the entire grade. If your son does complaintn’t want to go, po aboutlitely decline the invitation.

Often the hosts will rent buses to take the kids from the service to the reception especially in an arrangement like this but it’s not required. If this is the case it’s usually noted on the imitation. If it’s too inconvenient for you to find him a carpool or wait for him during the service, just decline.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that OP would be “irked” by her son receiving a bar mitzvah invitation from a family that’s clearly trying to be celebratory and inclusive.

Wtf? She’s just asking about the logistics. Are you implying she’s anti Semitic? Stop reading into things.

I didn’t imply that whatsoever and yes I would comment similarly if this was a significant religious event of any kind.

DP. You are a loon. It was a complaint about a poorly designed invitation, that’s it. Whatever’s really eating at you that you’re taking out on OP is probably better dealt with directly, because this isn’t going to make you feel better.

[Anonymous]

There is a word for the kids who don’t go to the service but go to the reception. I won’t say it here as it is not allowed.

[Anonymous]

I'm Jewish and not offended by the question. I'm used to the invites and the parties and services. It's new for some people. That's fine.

Please don't "just skip the boring part" as one poster said. That "boring part" is what is being celebrated. A LOT of work goes into planning for the service. If you really can't make it due to a scheduling conflict, it happens, but don't make a habit of it. Anyone can go to the service, without even RSVPing. Wear something nice - business like - a dress with a sleeve, a suit, black pants (if they're not super religious). So bring your child, it'll be nice for you both to see something new and get some insight into the culture! It's long, it's likely mostly in Hebrew. A good, community oriented shul will understand that there will be non Jews there that day and will offer some additional explanations.

The party is just for your kid, whoever is on the envelope. If it's a somewhat traditional type party in a ballroom, it's like a wedding with a DJ and dancing and tables. You can pick up at the end or try to arrange a carpool. Just part of allll the other parenting activities and events juggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not assumed that the parent will attend. Families of guests often coordinate carpool situations to get the kids to the service and then to the party.

So what happens if none of DS's friends are attending with their parents? Are parents expected to just sit in their cars outside the service and then outside the reception until someone gives the signal that things are wrapping up? There are no start or end times listed for the reception.

You can call the shul and ask them how long services run. They'll know. Then drop off, go to Starbucks or something, and pick up at that time and drive them. If your kid has mutual friends with the mitzvah kid, ask him to ask if any of them needs a ride. Then your kid calls you from the party when he's ready to go home.

It's like if your kid had an extracurricular and a party on the same day. You drop and come back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Skip the boring part drop him off for the party

So can I skip the church for your kids communion, and just go to the restaurant for lunch after?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Skip the boring part drop him off for the party

So can I skip the church for your kids communion, and just go to the restaurant for lunch after?

I don't know why you're assuming PP is Catholic. That's pretty offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the equivalent of a birthday party, just with services added. No, parents don't attend with their kids unless you're friends with the parents. It's often fine to skip the services part... just ask the parents.

That’s not really helpful to OP given the logistics.

Sounds like a big hassle.

At least when I grew up, many of the kids skipped the services part and just went to the reception. That's the point -- if the kid doesn't need to go to services then the parent can just drive them to the reception. Easy. Same as any other birthday party.

OP here. Some of the invitations provide specific times for the receptions, so we might do that for those invitations. The one I referred to in my original post is the most opaque and is irking me a bit. My son isn't super close to the kid and seems kind of indifferent to attending, so maybe we will just decline that one.

It's extremely obnoxious to just come to the party and not to services. Kids work very hard to prepare for their b'nei mitzvahs, many (not all) invest enormous amount of time to prepare for this rite of passage and they want their friends to be there to support them and celebrate with them. It's ok to ecline if your kid is not close to the other kid, but don't just go to the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Skip the boring part drop him off for the party

So can I skip the church for your kids communion, and just go to the restaurant for lunch after?

Of course you can, you do whatever works best for you. If I invited your child I’d welcome any member of your immediate family to any part of the celebration at any time with no expectation of gifts, card, or money. There’s always room for one more and I’d be appreciative that you could make it even if only for a few minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Skip the boring part drop him off for the party

So can I skip the church for your kids communion, and just go to the restaurant for lunch after?

Not even the same thing. I am catholic and only immediate family goes to the church for communion and confirmation as dozens of kids are being celebrated at one time and there isn’t room for everyone. The parties are for everyone but are usually simple house parties. Not elaborate parties at hotels and country clubs.

But it would be like not going to the church wedding and showing up to the wedding reception to drink and eat afterwards. Completely tacky.

We go to their services - always.