Bar mitzvah invitation expectations/etiquette

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s another version: is it OK to invite adult friends (like colleague/friends or people I know from volunteering) to the service and the kiddush luncheon, but not the nighttime party, which is kids, relatives and a few longtime friends from out of town? Or is that rude?

It's rude to invite them at all. It's rude to the child - this is THEIR event. You should invite people who have supported them through their religious journey. Not your random acquaintances from work and volunteering - that will seem like you just want gifts from them.

Not Jewish but a friend family friend did this recently and it was perfectly fine. They had some coworkers who came to the service and lunch and the party afterwards which was actually at kids' venue was kids' only plus a few aunts and uncles and those types of close relations and those aunts and uncles probably had kids. Our friend got a lot of support from the coworkers and they had given her advice while their child was younger. I don't think it's rude at all.

We are a couple years away from our kids Bar Mitzvah but this is what we are planning. I have a few close work friends who are Jewish who I plan to invite to the service/lunch. We don't have a big family so evening party will be 95 percent kids if we have one at all. We may do a bonus vacation instead.

[Anonymous]

It's too bad the parents didn't just include more information as far as a bus to the party, etc.

[Anonymous]

As a mom hosting one now- usually there is a card inside stating the details of how kids get to party and pick up times. Ours says transport will be provided to party and please pick up your child at 11:00 PM from party. You should call parents. Please don’t skip it just bc your kid is not close to the BM child. My child is struggling who yo invite and wants kids to be there to celebrate. He invited girls who he has known his whole life to have some girls in the mix and bc he’d like to get to know them better. He is a shy kid. By declining for no reason you are hurting a child’s feelings - and the host. This is a monumental day for our family.

[Anonymous]

We are not Jewish but my kids (on kid #3 now) have each been invited to 12-20 Bar and/or Bat Mitzvahs each.
We try to attend all and try to get them to both the ceremony and service. However, my kids play Saturday travel sports. It's not reasonable to ask them to skip, say 8 games (out of maybe 10-12 a season)
for services. So we pick and choose and do the best we can.
My daughter is in the midst of the Bat Mitzvah year and she has two weekends with two Bat Mitzvahs and the temple services directly overlap. So in this case she is attending 2 parties and one service.
Again, we do the best we can.

[Anonymous]

We would just decline the invite. Too much hassle.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe these posts about declining, skipping the service, or being annoyed about having to drive a child somewhere after a service. This isn’t a birthday party. It’s a big deal.

When I was growing up, a parent would sit in the synagogue parking lot with a book until the service was over. I had a few acquaintances who were conservative, and they did a reception right after and then the party at night and their community was too far across town to go home in between, so it was a ton of waiting. But my Catholic parents also realized that it was important and made sure I could be there to celebrate properly. And yes, I attended bar mitzvahs without knowing any other guests as well as those of people I barely knew but who invited me. It’s fun and it’s also very good practice for being an adult.

[Anonymous]

Transportation has been provided between service and party for every bar/bat mitzvah my child has go to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe these posts about declining, skipping the service, or being annoyed about having to drive a child somewhere after a service. This isn’t a birthday party. It’s a big deal.

When I was growing up, a parent would sit in the synagogue parking lot with a book until the service was over. I had a few acquaintances who were conservative, and they did a reception right after and then the party at night and their community was too far across town to go home in between, so it was a ton of waiting. But my Catholic parents also realized that it was important and made sure I could be there to celebrate properly. And yes, I attended bar mitzvahs without knowing any other guests as well as those of people I barely knew but who invited me. It’s fun and it’s also very good practice for being an adult.

hey, your child's bat/bar mitzvah is not my child's responsibility to attend at the expense of their own interests. It gets ridiculous for many kids--my non-Jewish kids get invited to up to 20 a year from our local public. Kids they don't even know well.
We do our best but perhaps don't invite every kid your child has ever interacted with at school if you want a high acceptance rate.

I TOTALLY get that it's a momentous occasion but it's not fair to expect a kid (as a guest) to do nothing for a year of weekends than attend these every Saturday.

Last weekend my daughter had two. This was the day: Temple one service-->Temple 2 service--->Temple 2 luncheon--->Party 1--->Party 2. My kid was away from home for 13 HOURS. One parent spent a good part of the day driving.

Give your guests a break. We are doing the best we can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised to see people mentioning just skipping the service. I have always thought that was considered rude unless you really have a major conflict to share with the hosts. Larlo's grandmother is having a 90th birthday breakfast or ??

Call the synagogue for the pick up time. I would have him call from the reception when ready to leave.

If this seems like too much because he is not a close friend..just decline.

It is extremely rude. It's the most important part!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe these posts about declining, skipping the service, or being annoyed about having to drive a child somewhere after a service. This isn’t a birthday party. It’s a big deal.

When I was growing up, a parent would sit in the synagogue parking lot with a book until the service was over. I had a few acquaintances who were conservative, and they did a reception right after and then the party at night and their community was too far across town to go home in between, so it was a ton of waiting. But my Catholic parents also realized that it was important and made sure I could be there to celebrate properly. And yes, I attended bar mitzvahs without knowing any other guests as well as those of people I barely knew but who invited me. It’s fun and it’s also very good practice for being an adult.

+1

OP if you have to use the words "irking me" to describe how an invite was written there's something wrong with you. It's very common to leave the end time open but if you call the temple they can give you an esitmate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the equivalent of a birthday party, just with services added. No, parents don't attend with their kids unless you're friends with the parents. It's often fine to skip the services part... just ask the parents.

That’s not really helpful to OP given the logistics.

Sounds like a big hassle.

At least when I grew up, many of the kids skipped the services part and just went to the reception. That's the point -- if the kid doesn't need to go to services then the parent can just drive them to the reception. Easy. Same as any other birthday party.

I would find this deeply disrespectful. Kids -- at least some kids-- put en enormous amount of time and effort into preparing for the bnei-mitzvah. It's rude not to come to to services.

[Anonymous]

This is how I spent 8th grade Saturdays, just like how going to weddings was how I spent a decade of prime weekends (so many lost Memorial Day weekends!) in my 20s and early 30s. But there were certain friends during that period in my life who were notorious no-shows at weddings and were always last-minute yeses or nos depending on what better things might come up.

I think there are two camps of people chiming in on this thread: people who see these big events as true rites and an important and essential part of human life, and people who are pretty meh on them and see them as interchangeable with any other activities…until people RSVP no to their own event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not assumed that the parent will attend. Families of guests often coordinate carpool situations to get the kids to the service and then to the party.

So what happens if none of DS's friends are attending with their parents? Are parents expected to just sit in their cars outside the service and then outside the reception until someone gives the signal that things are wrapping up? There are no start or end times listed for the reception.

If you call the shul they'll be able to tell you how long services typically run. Be there a few minutes before the end of that time. Drive him to the reception. Then have your kid call you when things are close to wrapping up at the party and pick him up.

[Anonymous]

OP is being dense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not assumed that the parent will attend. Families of guests often coordinate carpool situations to get the kids to the service and then to the party.

So what happens if none of DS's friends are attending with their parents? Are parents expected to just sit in their cars outside the service and then outside the reception until someone gives the signal that things are wrapping up? There are no start or end times listed for the reception.

Either arrange car pool, or drop your kid off, come back an hour and a half later and drive them to the reception. You are not invited if you are not in the invitation.