Bar mitzvah invitation expectations/etiquette

[Anonymous]

This whole you must do x y z and bring a or b but not c and it has to be at least worth x amount but only in multiples of y or you’ll be talked about and shunned from other invites is why people don’t want to come. What ever happened to teaching children to be gracious and grateful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the equivalent of a birthday party, just with services added. No, parents don't attend with their kids unless you're friends with the parents. It's often fine to skip the services part... just ask the parents.

That’s not really helpful to OP given the logistics.

Sounds like a big hassle.

At least when I grew up, many of the kids skipped the services part and just went to the reception. That's the point -- if the kid doesn't need to go to services then the parent can just drive them to the reception. Easy. Same as any other birthday party.

Wow. I had my son attend the recent service for a friend. We are not Jewish but I wanted my son to acknowledge the hard work this child put into his Bar Mitzvah. In many ways I think it is just as important as is attending a wedding service. Both cases, very rude to just go to the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole you must do x y z and bring a or b but not c and it has to be at least worth x amount but only in multiples of y or you’ll be talked about and shunned from other invites is why people don’t want to come. What ever happened to teaching children to be gracious and grateful

Are you rationalizing that the child who is having their service should be grateful that their friends don't attend their service that they worked hard on, but come to party/eat/drink and get the swag?

You are honestly saying the host should be gracious of those type of people instead of telling the GUESTS they should be gracious and attend the service?

[Anonymous]

Eh - when I was a kid, a lot of the kids in the class didn't go to the service if the party was at night as opposed to right after. Whether or not it was rude, that was how it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh - when I was a kid, a lot of the kids in the class didn't go to the service if the party was at night as opposed to right after. Whether or not it was rude, that was how it was.

It’s rude and you know it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh - when I was a kid, a lot of the kids in the class didn't go to the service if the party was at night as opposed to right after. Whether or not it was rude, that was how it was.

It's rude as heck and I sure never did that and neither did any of my friends or cousins.

[Anonymous]

Here’s another version: is it OK to invite adult friends (like colleague/friends or people I know from volunteering) to the service and the kiddush luncheon, but not the nighttime party, which is kids, relatives and a few longtime friends from out of town? Or is that rude?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just decline. Seems like too many hoops to jump through

Wait outside for the kid to drive him to the next event. Hello no big whoop. Not rocket science right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s another version: is it OK to invite adult friends (like colleague/friends or people I know from volunteering) to the service and the kiddush luncheon, but not the nighttime party, which is kids, relatives and a few longtime friends from out of town? Or is that rude?

Yes, that would be pretty rude.

Besides, you don’t technically invite people to the service (assuming it’s not a private service). That’s open to anyone.

[Anonymous]

How often do you skip a wedding and just attend the party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s another version: is it OK to invite adult friends (like colleague/friends or people I know from volunteering) to the service and the kiddush luncheon, but not the nighttime party, which is kids, relatives and a few longtime friends from out of town? Or is that rude?

Yes, that would be pretty rude.

Besides, you don’t technically invite people to the service (assuming it’s not a private service). That’s open to anyone.

Of course. But if they did attend the service, I would like them to stay for the luncheon which are typically private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s another version: is it OK to invite adult friends (like colleague/friends or people I know from volunteering) to the service and the kiddush luncheon, but not the nighttime party, which is kids, relatives and a few longtime friends from out of town? Or is that rude?

Yes, that would be pretty rude.

Besides, you don’t technically invite people to the service (assuming it’s not a private service). That’s open to anyone.

Eh, I think it's borderline, provided you make sure that you spend time with them during the Kiddush. I had several colleagues that came for the service and stayed for the meal afterwards, but didn't come to the party afterwards (and they were invited). If they are not friends with your family/know others there, I don't think it's that bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole you must do x y z and bring a or b but not c and it has to be at least worth x amount but only in multiples of y or you’ll be talked about and shunned from other invites is why people don’t want to come. What ever happened to teaching children to be gracious and grateful

How is this any different than asking what to bring for a shower/wedding? Or find a dress for a particular event? The people asking have likely never been to a B'Nai Mitzvah and want to be gracious guests and hence, are asking about etiquette and customs. Will anyone get mad if they don't bring a gift, or it's $50 and not a multiple of $18? OF COURSE NOT. But if someone is posting on here ASKING for advice, I presume it's because they want to be respectful of traditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s another version: is it OK to invite adult friends (like colleague/friends or people I know from volunteering) to the service and the kiddush luncheon, but not the nighttime party, which is kids, relatives and a few longtime friends from out of town? Or is that rude?

It's rude to invite them at all. It's rude to the child - this is THEIR event. You should invite people who have supported them through their religious journey. Not your random acquaintances from work and volunteering - that will seem like you just want gifts from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s another version: is it OK to invite adult friends (like colleague/friends or people I know from volunteering) to the service and the kiddush luncheon, but not the nighttime party, which is kids, relatives and a few longtime friends from out of town? Or is that rude?

It's rude to invite them at all. It's rude to the child - this is THEIR event. You should invite people who have supported them through their religious journey. Not your random acquaintances from work and volunteering - that will seem like you just want gifts from them.

Not Jewish but a friend family friend did this recently and it was perfectly fine. They had some coworkers who came to the service and lunch and the party afterwards which was actually at kids' venue was kids' only plus a few aunts and uncles and those types of close relations and those aunts and uncles probably had kids. Our friend got a lot of support from the coworkers and they had given her advice while their child was younger. I don't think it's rude at all.