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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I feel mine works well mostly, but I do feel transactional. Like at one point I gained weight, but never technically even overweight by BMI, but there was hell to pay. Meanwhile his BMI is over 30 (technically obese). I do nearly all the home and kid stuff. This seems to be the deal for the female. Not unhappy - but I do think this is the patriarchy!

Our jobs are nearly equal in terms of hours, I make only a little bit less, and am 7 years younger.[/quote]

Sigh.  It's so easy to blame the patriarchy, when there's a much simpler explanation.

"My obese husband have me hell when I gained a little weight.  I also do all the house ans kid stuff.  The system sucks!"

Perhaps - but more importantly for you, your husband sucks.  That's much more relevant than sociological concepts.  [/quote]

[b]My husband refused to go on any vacations until I lost the extra 20 lbs I was carrying after our son was born. Even made me weigh in once a week. I hated that but now am glad he did it.  It was for my benefit. [/quote]

That is abuse. I would have divorced him.[/b][/quote]

DP. The sad thing is, this DW does not recognize how cruelly manipulative the DH was.

No vacations? Which often are good for mental health? He withheld the potential for relaxation and mental rest to force her to lose weight. I'm sure he sold it to her as an "incentive" and made her feel she was on board with him for this "effort" to "improve her health for her good and the baby's good" and so on.

To that DW whose DH did this--Do you really believe that this is the only time he is going to make you do X in your marriage in order to get Y out of him?

Sit down and think about it. In what other contexts has he told you that you have to do something "for your own good" and then told you he had an incentive for you, giving you something only after you achieve a goal that HE sets and HE enforces? If he's playing the incentive and for-your-own-good game -- you need to see it for what it really is. Manipulation and a transaction. I doubt that 20 pounds in exchange for a vacation was or will be the only time he'll do this. And his focus on your exact weight to the pound is disturbing. What happens if you gain a little back? How much triggers the next round of "You can't have X until you lose...." Five pounds? One?

Highly manipulative and obsessed with appearance. God help this DW if something happens like she gets ill or goes on a medication where weight gain occurs that's out of her control and cannot necessarily be "fixed" with dieting and exercise. Her DH is going to put one foot out the door while accusing her of "not trying hard enough" or whatever he comes up with so she take the blame and he looks caring.

The even bigger red flag? He will do this to their kids in some way. Maybe weight. Maybe grades. But he'll teach them that you have to be dad's idea of healthy or smart or accomplished, or you're just not quite right.[/quote]

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