Wedding invitation/Issue

[Anonymous]

I’ve read all the way through and I still think you should go. DH and daughter should have a fun movie and pizza picnic at the hotel while you go to the grownup party. Your sister is very hurt. She obviously wants you there. There is NO reasonable reason not to go. It’s rare to find DCUM unanimous in this but it is clear that you should go. Your sister will be MUCH more hurt and pretty much forever, vs your daughter who can have fun with her dad at a hotel and will have enjoyed the ceremony earlier. Your daughter has enough cognitive awareness to understand that some things are for kids and some just grownups. You can simply say your sister thought at first that she could come to the after party but then found out the rules said she couldn’t.

Your parents are absolutely off the chain and them not attending is unforgivable. If you think it is because of your daughter you had better be VERY clear with them that you don’t want them to do that.

[Anonymous]

I think you were wrong. You should attend and let your DH and teen stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve read all the way through and I still think you should go. DH and daughter should have a fun movie and pizza picnic at the hotel while you go to the grownup party. Your sister is very hurt. She obviously wants you there. There is NO reasonable reason not to go. It’s rare to find DCUM unanimous in this but it is clear that you should go. Your sister will be MUCH more hurt and pretty much forever, vs your daughter who can have fun with her dad at a hotel and will have enjoyed the ceremony earlier. Your daughter has enough cognitive awareness to understand that some things are for kids and some just grownups. You can simply say your sister thought at first that she could come to the after party but then found out the rules said she couldn’t.

Your parents are absolutely off the chain and them not attending is unforgivable. If you think it is because of your daughter you had better be VERY clear with them that you don’t want them to do that.

Well said

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve read all the way through and I still think you should go. DH and daughter should have a fun movie and pizza picnic at the hotel while you go to the grownup party. Your sister is very hurt. She obviously wants you there. There is NO reasonable reason not to go. It’s rare to find DCUM unanimous in this but it is clear that you should go. Your sister will be MUCH more hurt and pretty much forever, vs your daughter who can have fun with her dad at a hotel and will have enjoyed the ceremony earlier. Your daughter has enough cognitive awareness to understand that some things are for kids and some just grownups. You can simply say your sister thought at first that she could come to the after party but then found out the rules said she couldn’t.

Your parents are absolutely off the chain and them not attending is unforgivable. If you think it is because of your daughter you had better be VERY clear with them that you don’t want them to do that.

Well said

All of this. OP, you should go to your sister’s reception. I know you are angry that your daughter is not invited, but this is a situation where you just rise above it, celebrate your sister and be there for her. Your husband and daughter can have a fun evening without you. It’s not that big of a deal for you to go somewhere they do not.

[Anonymous]

OP you can’t have your cake and eat it too. If you had just told your sister you and your family couldn’t come because your DDs cognitive issues make it difficult to find a babysitter, you probably would have been fine. But by traveling to attend the ceremony, it makes you look extremely petty for not just attending the reception solo and letting your DH chill with DD at the hotel. Lying to your DD about the reception is also not going to fly because the reception will certainly come up at the ceremony or at some other point that weekend.

[Anonymous]

There’s no excuse to leave out your daughter. It’s kind to go to part if it especially if you’ve given advance notice of the decline to go to the reception.

[Anonymous]

OP, as the mom of a child with SN-I probably would not go.

The sister knows her niece has sn and can't be left alone. She has no right to be angry at OP for not wanting to leave behind her dd, sister's niece. I bet the parents feel the same way and that is why they may not come.

[Anonymous]

As a special educator and a special needs parent I am just going I add that parents that tiptoe around their special needs children’s emotions and deny them experiences like learning how the world works (you are seriously going to keep the existence of wedding receptions a secret) and the opportunity to experience disappointment are harming their children. I see it often and every family I know who would make this choice has a child whose transition to adulthood goes badly.

If you can’t go for the sake of your sister, then go for the sake of your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a special educator and a special needs parent I am just going I add that parents that tiptoe around their special needs children’s emotions and deny them experiences like learning how the world works (you are seriously going to keep the existence of wedding receptions a secret) and the opportunity to experience disappointment are harming their children. I see it often and every family I know who would make this choice has a child whose transition to adulthood goes badly.

If you can’t go for the sake of your sister, then go for the sake of your child.

How is this tiptoeing, though? OP let her daughter know she's not not invited to the reception (sidenote: since when does an open bar mean kids can't come? the bartender wouldn't serve them, so what difference would it make?). Experience of disappointment achieved! If OP were insisting that her sister HAS to invite her daughter because the most important thing is her daughter's feelings, that would be inappropriate. .

I don't see why OP is so wrong for not wanted to attend without her husband. If she wanted to go without him because she thought it would still be fun, I'd get that. If she thinks the standard reception activities won't be fun without him, why should she go? It's not prime hangout time with her sister, who'll be otherwise occupied. She's not responsible for her parents' decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a special educator and a special needs parent I am just going I add that parents that tiptoe around their special needs children’s emotions and deny them experiences like learning how the world works (you are seriously going to keep the existence of wedding receptions a secret) and the opportunity to experience disappointment are harming their children. I see it often and every family I know who would make this choice has a child whose transition to adulthood goes badly.

If you can’t go for the sake of your sister, then go for the sake of your child.

How is this tiptoeing, though? OP let her daughter know she's not not invited to the reception (sidenote: since when does an open bar mean kids can't come? the bartender wouldn't serve them, so what difference would it make?). Experience of disappointment achieved! If OP were insisting that her sister HAS to invite her daughter because the most important thing is her daughter's feelings, that would be inappropriate. .

I don't see why OP is so wrong for not wanted to attend without her husband. If she wanted to go without him because she thought it would still be fun, I'd get that. If she thinks the standard reception activities won't be fun without him, why should she go? It's not prime hangout time with her sister, who'll be otherwise occupied. She's not responsible for her parents' decisions.

Please go back and reread the OP's follow-up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a special educator and a special needs parent I am just going I add that parents that tiptoe around their special needs children’s emotions and deny them experiences like learning how the world works (you are seriously going to keep the existence of wedding receptions a secret) and the opportunity to experience disappointment are harming their children. I see it often and every family I know who would make this choice has a child whose transition to adulthood goes badly.

If you can’t go for the sake of your sister, then go for the sake of your child.

I agree with this. Especially since you guys have talked about it before- she is going to know on some level that something is up. It’s hard but it’s never too early to talk about how we can disagree with people’s choices and be disappointed while still caring for them and doing the right thing ourselves. It sounds like your sister has a rule that is reasonably clear and explainable and people change their minds sometimes. It’s not nice and you wish things were different but she’s going to be ok because she can handle the disappointment. She’s going to hear at some point how your parents handled it and you are going to be glad you made a more thought out loving decision. I posted this earlier but I really don’t understand why you can’t make an appearance with out your husband. It’s not fun but it’s hardly the worst thing in the world- I have gone to multiple wedding and baby showers were I only know the person who is getting married/having the baby and sometimes they are awful and sometimes they are fun and you meet someone cool. An hour and a half of mild discomfort is not so bad.

FWIW I’d be maddest about the whole changing her mind thing but it does happen, sometimes for reasons that can’t be shared.

-Mom of a kids with SN and anxiety

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your sister didn’t want you there like you wrote, OP, then she wouldn’t be upset that you aren’t going.

OP here. My mom told me that my sister was upset. She said that they told my sister how upset they were that my daughter wasn't invited and how they weren't going and how my sister is upset about everyone not going.

Another pp pointed out that unless I hear it directly from my sister I shouldn't assume she's mad about me and in thinking about it, I believe now that my sister is mad about my parents not attending and not about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes you are weird and codependent on your husband and children to be able to attend adult activities and have a good time. Other people's wedding enjoyment don't hinge on your children being there. Paying $30 for chicken fingers and watching them running around the venue screaming is not enjoyable. and P.S. children don't like weddings.

If you are one of those women who can't do anything without your husband and/or your children for your sibling, that tells me everything I need to know about you.

HA. OP here. No, I'm not codependent on my husband and I'm not even upset my kid isn't invited. And my kid isn't a toddler. She wouldn't be running around screaming. I've attended many trips and events solo. The issue is not leaving my kid alone while I celebrate her aunt's wedding. She would know and be deeply hurt.

That wasn’t directed at OP rather the obnoxious woman declaring weddings are for families and *gasp clutching pearls* would never go anywhere without her precious children and Dh in tow.

That said though, you do seem to be trying to turn your sisters wedding into being about your daughter. Being sensitive to her feelings is one thing, but do you plan on spending your life turning down outings because your daughter isn’t invited? She will have to learn about life outside your home and it not always happening around her feelings. Maybe your sister doesn’t want you at the wedding because it seems your parents and you are focusing on your daughter instead of your sister at her Own wedding. Maybe that’s why she is closer to her friends than you?

That's not true. I'm trying to not make it about my family. Which is why I wrote a very nice response to my sister about how happy we are for her. I didn't push AT ALL or even question why she changed her mind about my daughter. As I said before, I suspect it's because she doesn't want her groom's grandkids going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister didn’t want you there like you wrote, OP, then she wouldn’t be upset that you aren’t going.

OP here. My mom told me that my sister was upset. She said that they told my sister how upset they were that my daughter wasn't invited and how they weren't going and how my sister is upset about everyone not going.

Another pp pointed out that unless I hear it directly from my sister I shouldn't assume she's mad about me and in thinking about it, I believe now that my sister is mad about my parents not attending and not about me.

What a sh!t show. Get yourself together, OP. Call your sister and talk to her. Then go to therapy and work on your communication skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve read all the way through and I still think you should go. DH and daughter should have a fun movie and pizza picnic at the hotel while you go to the grownup party. Your sister is very hurt. She obviously wants you there. There is NO reasonable reason not to go. It’s rare to find DCUM unanimous in this but it is clear that you should go. Your sister will be MUCH more hurt and pretty much forever, vs your daughter who can have fun with her dad at a hotel and will have enjoyed the ceremony earlier. Your daughter has enough cognitive awareness to understand that some things are for kids and some just grownups. You can simply say your sister thought at first that she could come to the after party but then found out the rules said she couldn’t.

Your parents are absolutely off the chain and them not attending is unforgivable. If you think it is because of your daughter you had better be VERY clear with them that you don’t want them to do that.

Well said

All of this. OP, you should go to your sister’s reception. I know you are angry that your daughter is not invited, but this is a situation where you just rise above it, celebrate your sister and be there for her. Your husband and daughter can have a fun evening without you. It’s not that big of a deal for you to go somewhere they do not.

Yes this. This is sister's day and her sister and parents should support her.