Wedding invitation/Issue

[Anonymous]

If your sister didn’t want you there like you wrote, OP, then she wouldn’t be upset that you aren’t going.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think lying is the answer here, OP. She could find out after the fact the truth and that wouldn’t help you at all. Just be honest, explain that teens aren’t always allowed where adults are, and go with your husband, booking a sitter for your teen.

[Anonymous]

A couple things:

Now, I find out my sister is very mad at me ~ no one should have told you this. They did a *not* nice thing by telling you this. Either your sister is mad enough that she tells you this herself, or she's not mad enough. If you didn't hear the words directly from her, you should never assume anything.

2nd wedding ~ you are not under the same obligations as a 1st wedding. No one is .... common!! stop pretending it's such a hardship!
I don't want to go to the reception without my DH ~ this is ridiculous.
My parents are refusing to ... ~ this is on them. They are looking like idiots

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t leave my teen alone in a hotel. No way, no how. So yes, I would have done the same thing as you.

Strike this, I misread your husband as not traveling. If he is traveling with you, I would have him stay at the hotel with the teen and go solo to the reception.

But in no way would I leave the teen alone in another city in a hotel.

Are you kidding? I'd do this without a second thought. She (presumably) has a phone - order room service, bolt the door, and she'll be fine.

Not kidding at all. I’m not comfortable with the idea that other people can have a key to the room including master keys that override the deadbolt. Many hotels have policies about unattended minors on the premises as well. We all have our limits but that’s one of mine.

All hotels have security features for doors, such as chins. This kind of fear is completely irrational, and can become debilitating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t leave my teen alone in a hotel. No way, no how. So yes, I would have done the same thing as you.

Strike this, I misread your husband as not traveling. If he is traveling with you, I would have him stay at the hotel with the teen and go solo to the reception.

But in no way would I leave the teen alone in another city in a hotel.

Are you kidding? I'd do this without a second thought. She (presumably) has a phone - order room service, bolt the door, and she'll be fine.

Not kidding at all. I’m not comfortable with the idea that other people can have a key to the room including master keys that override the deadbolt. Many hotels have policies about unattended minors on the premises as well. We all have our limits but that’s one of mine.

All hotels have security features for doors, such as chins. This kind of fear is completely irrational, and can become debilitating.

+1

Stop trying to stir the pot, and just admit you can't be happy for your sister, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t leave my teen alone in a hotel. No way, no how. So yes, I would have done the same thing as you.

Strike this, I misread your husband as not traveling. If he is traveling with you, I would have him stay at the hotel with the teen and go solo to the reception.

But in no way would I leave the teen alone in another city in a hotel.

Are you kidding? I'd do this without a second thought. She (presumably) has a phone - order room service, bolt the door, and she'll be fine.

Not kidding at all. I’m not comfortable with the idea that other people can have a key to the room including master keys that override the deadbolt. Many hotels have policies about unattended minors on the premises as well. We all have our limits but that’s one of mine.

All hotels have security features for doors, such as chins. This kind of fear is completely irrational, and can become debilitating.

Seems like that’s a parenting choice you would make but I’ll stick with my own. I’d still go with my husband to this wedding, but on this particular count, I’m with OP.

[Anonymous]

Every bit of this is f***ed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, my sister is getting married - 2nd wedding - and told me my teen can come to the ceremony but not the reception because it's adult only. After discussing with my DH, we decided to all go to the ceremony, but not go to the reception. We don't feel comfortable leaving our teen alone and I don't want to go to the reception without my DH.

I wrote a very nice long response basically telling her that we are so happy for her, excited to witness her getting married and share in her joy. However, we won't be attending the reception.

Now, I find out my sister is very mad at me for not going to her reception. My parents are refusing to go to the reception because we're not going (and they're also mad my teen wasn't invited) and there is all this drama.

I thought I did the right thing. I mean, isn't the rule that she's allowed to not invite whoever she wants and I'm allowed to not go? By the way, we have a very small family so the only people on my sister's side of the wedding are her kids (early 20s), my parents, and me and my family. Everyone else at the reception will be friends and the groom's kids. My parents nor I would know anyone at the reception.

Was I wrong to gracefully (at least I think it was graceful) decline the reception invite? The wedding is about 2 hours away so we'll be traveling and staying at a hotel for the event, which I'm doing only to attend the ceremony.

That’s true for friends or colleagues but this is your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here to answer some questions.

Reception is at a country club that my sister belongs to. I do suspect my sister didn't want us going and just felt compelled to invite us. My sister doesn't like groom's kids and 2 of them have babies - She told my mom that's why she made it no kids (so the groom's kids wouldn't come). At that time, my mom asked about my teen and my sister said she's invited because she's a teen (not a toddler/baby) and told my mom she'd make sure the place would be fine with that. I suspect she just didn't want us there and why she changed her mind after telling me and my mom my teen is invited.

My sister tends to prefer her friendships over her family. I don't say this with malice or judgment - it's just the way she is. For example, for years I'd try to have a family Christmas or holiday dinner the weekend after the 1st because my sister would always go to her husband's family for the holidays. She would always prefer to go out with friends instead of visit with my parents and us. My parents are from out of town so they'd be flying in for holidays and will be flying in for my sister's wedding. I even tried for a couple years to move the dinner to a night she'd be available. She would cancel the night before or the day of saying another event came up.

My parents have no opinion of the groom. They pretty much leave that alone. they have only met him once. And that was after they were engaged and my sister wanted my parents to meet him.

I don't want to go without my DH because honestly, I know my teen would be incredibly hurt and upset if she found out she wasn't invited. When the invitation came, I tried to talk to her and explain it might be for grownups she cried and said her aunt loves her and she IS invited because her aunt talked to her about the wedding. What I want to do is let my daughter think that the ceremony is all there is for the wedding (we'll all probably do something the night before anyway, like a dinner or something) just so that my daughter isn't hurt. I'm sorry some of you think it's weird or unusual, but for this I'm putting my daughter's feelings ahead of my sister's feelings. I actually think my sister wants it this way - she didn't want her fiance's kids there and I don't think she wants us there.

Okay, your sister was wrong. She should not have talked to your daughter about the wedding and said she was invited and then changed it. I'm not sure that the solution is to lie to your teen, though. It's very possible that someone at the ceremony will say something about the reception, so her feelings may end up hurt anyway, and it will be much harder to deal with that at the wedding rather than beforehand. If you're willing to go to the ceremony, I'd go to the reception myself, and let your husband and daughter do something fun and special together -- a nice dinner, swim in the hotel pool, watch a movie and get room service.

If you genuinely don't think your sister wants you there, then why do you think she's mad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes you are weird and codependent on your husband and children to be able to attend adult activities and have a good time. Other people's wedding enjoyment don't hinge on your children being there. Paying $30 for chicken fingers and watching them running around the venue screaming is not enjoyable. and P.S. children don't like weddings.

If you are one of those women who can't do anything without your husband and/or your children for your sibling, that tells me everything I need to know about you.

HA. OP here. No, I'm not codependent on my husband and I'm not even upset my kid isn't invited. And my kid isn't a toddler. She wouldn't be running around screaming. I've attended many trips and events solo. The issue is not leaving my kid alone while I celebrate her aunt's wedding. She would know and be deeply hurt.

That wasn’t directed at OP rather the obnoxious woman declaring weddings are for families and *gasp clutching pearls* would never go anywhere without her precious children and Dh in tow.

That said though, you do seem to be trying to turn your sisters wedding into being about your daughter. Being sensitive to her feelings is one thing, but do you plan on spending your life turning down outings because your daughter isn’t invited? She will have to learn about life outside your home and it not always happening around her feelings. Maybe your sister doesn’t want you at the wedding because it seems your parents and you are focusing on your daughter instead of your sister at her Own wedding. Maybe that’s why she is closer to her friends than you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Okay, your sister was wrong. She should not have talked to your daughter about the wedding and said she was invited and then changed it. I'm not sure that the solution is to lie to your teen, though. It's very possible that someone at the ceremony will say something about the reception, so her feelings may end up hurt anyway, and it will be much harder to deal with that at the wedding rather than beforehand. If you're willing to go to the ceremony, I'd go to the reception myself, and let your husband and daughter do something fun and special together -- a nice dinner, swim in the hotel pool, watch a movie and get room service.

If you genuinely don't think your sister wants you there, then why do you think she's mad?

Daughter is invited to the wedding. She is not invited to the reception.

[Anonymous]

OP you say your daughter will be hurt. Is there a reason you can’t just tell her that kids aren’t invited? I am not aware of how her special needs may impact this but in general, it is ok for kids to be disappointed and it doesn’t mean it is hurtful. It is just a normal emotion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify some points. My teen has SN and is cognitively delayed - we can't leave her alone at home or at a hotel. I am pissed at my parents. They said they aren't going because my sister is excluding my teen so regardless of whether I attend the reception alone - they are not going.

I am not judgmental at all and not resentful. I was very nice and she already knows about my teen and the situation. I thought that she knew we wouldn't be able to go and she sort of expected it by her invite.

And, to clarify, she did originally tell me that even though it was adults only, it was that way because it's an open bar but she talked to them...wait let me get the text and say exactly what she originally said:

"[Teen] is invited - the reception is "adult only" bc of open bar but I told them about [teen] so they are prepared."

Then afterwards, she wrote and said they are "orchestrating and planning" as an adult only party so [teen] can't go.

That's when I let her know that I will celebrate her marriage and we'll attend the ceremony but won't be able to make the reception.

You couldn't provide these details in your OP? Still can't understand why you can't go w/o husband

[Anonymous]

“Sister, I’m sorry to hear you’re upset with us about our decision to attend only the ceremony part of your wedding. I hope you can understand that given Lucy’s special needs, we’re just not comfortable leaving her alone in a hotel. She was under the impression that she would be invited to the wedding. I understand why that’s not possible for your venue and we’d like to spare her feelings by pretending the reception is not even happening. I have no idea why Mom and Dad made their decision not to attend, but I promise I have nothing to do with that. I will certainly talk to them and explain that our decision has nothing to do with them and I hope they change their mind. I never meant to upset you and was simply trying to allow you to have the event you want without drama. So sorry it backfired so badly!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here to answer some questions.

Reception is at a country club that my sister belongs to. I do suspect my sister didn't want us going and just felt compelled to invite us. My sister doesn't like groom's kids and 2 of them have babies - She told my mom that's why she made it no kids (so the groom's kids wouldn't come). At that time, my mom asked about my teen and my sister said she's invited because she's a teen (not a toddler/baby) and told my mom she'd make sure the place would be fine with that. I suspect she just didn't want us there and why she changed her mind after telling me and my mom my teen is invited.

My sister tends to prefer her friendships over her family. I don't say this with malice or judgment - it's just the way she is. For example, for years I'd try to have a family Christmas or holiday dinner the weekend after the 1st because my sister would always go to her husband's family for the holidays. She would always prefer to go out with friends instead of visit with my parents and us. My parents are from out of town so they'd be flying in for holidays and will be flying in for my sister's wedding. I even tried for a couple years to move the dinner to a night she'd be available. She would cancel the night before or the day of saying another event came up.

My parents have no opinion of the groom. They pretty much leave that alone. they have only met him once. And that was after they were engaged and my sister wanted my parents to meet him.

I don't want to go without my DH because honestly, I know my teen would be incredibly hurt and upset if she found out she wasn't invited. When the invitation came, I tried to talk to her and explain it might be for grownups she cried and said her aunt loves her and she IS invited because her aunt talked to her about the wedding. What I want to do is let my daughter think that the ceremony is all there is for the wedding (we'll all probably do something the night before anyway, like a dinner or something) just so that my daughter isn't hurt. I'm sorry some of you think it's weird or unusual, but for this I'm putting my daughter's feelings ahead of my sister's feelings. I actually think my sister wants it this way - she didn't want her fiance's kids there and I don't think she wants us there.

I'd stay tuned for her third wedding....