Wedding invitation/Issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, my sister is getting married - 2nd wedding - and told me my teen can come to the ceremony but not the reception because it's adult only. After discussing with my DH, we decided to all go to the ceremony, but not go to the reception. We don't feel comfortable leaving our teen alone and I don't want to go to the reception without my DH.

I wrote a very nice long response basically telling her that we are so happy for her, excited to witness her getting married and share in her joy. However, we won't be attending the reception.

Now, I find out my sister is very mad at me for not going to her reception. My parents are refusing to go to the reception because we're not going (and they're also mad my teen wasn't invited) and there is all this drama.

I thought I did the right thing. I mean, isn't the rule that she's allowed to not invite whoever she wants and I'm allowed to not go? By the way, we have a very small family so the only people on my sister's side of the wedding are her kids (early 20s), my parents, and me and my family. Everyone else at the reception will be friends and the groom's kids. My parents nor I would know anyone at the reception.

Was I wrong to gracefully (at least I think it was graceful) decline the reception invite? The wedding is about 2 hours away so we'll be traveling and staying at a hotel for the event, which I'm doing only to attend the ceremony.

All we know so far on the guest list is:
bride+groom
bride parents, sister+her DH, bride's 20-24 year old kids [2 or 3?]
groom kids- assume 2-3 in their twenties.

I get 12-14 people plus friends of the couple. Relatives of the groom? Give it a few, maybe 4? I guess it's a small wedding of less than 35 people with no seat for the teen unless they bump a friend or friends that are a couple. Maybe there will be a decline or cancellation and a seat for the kid.

[Anonymous]

This was handled wrong. You had to have the self awareness to know this would be upsetting. You should have either discussed your concerns or made accommodations for your teen such as a babysitter or arrangements to stay home with a friend. Time to apologize and redo.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To clarify some points. My teen has SN and is cognitively delayed - we can't leave her alone at home or at a hotel. I am pissed at my parents. They said they aren't going because my sister is excluding my teen so regardless of whether I attend the reception alone - they are not going.

I am not judgmental at all and not resentful. I was very nice and she already knows about my teen and the situation. I thought that she knew we wouldn't be able to go and she sort of expected it by her invite.

And, to clarify, she did originally tell me that even though it was adults only, it was that way because it's an open bar but she talked to them...wait let me get the text and say exactly what she originally said:

"[Teen] is invited - the reception is "adult only" bc of open bar but I told them about [teen] so they are prepared."

Then afterwards, she wrote and said they are "orchestrating and planning" as an adult only party so [teen] can't go.

That's when I let her know that I will celebrate her marriage and we'll attend the ceremony but won't be able to make the reception.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you go and husband stay back?

[Anonymous]

If it were a friend or cousin or something you would be fine, but since it’s your sister you should have sucked it up and dealt with it (even though it’s lame she couldn’t include her 15 year old niece, who I would argue could be an exception to the adult rule because of her close family status). A 15 year old can stay in the hotel room for a few hours. Your DH could even go check on her. Hell, she could sit in the car with an iPad for that matter.

Again I’m not saying she was “right” or that you weren’t inconvenienced but the best thing to do would have been to just eat it this one time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify some points. My teen has SN and is cognitively delayed - we can't leave her alone at home or at a hotel. I am pissed at my parents. They said they aren't going because my sister is excluding my teen so regardless of whether I attend the reception alone - they are not going.

I am not judgmental at all and not resentful. I was very nice and she already knows about my teen and the situation. I thought that she knew we wouldn't be able to go and she sort of expected it by her invite.

And, to clarify, she did originally tell me that even though it was adults only, it was that way because it's an open bar but she talked to them...wait let me get the text and say exactly what she originally said:

"[Teen] is invited - the reception is "adult only" bc of open bar but I told them about [teen] so they are prepared."

Then afterwards, she wrote and said they are "orchestrating and planning" as an adult only party so [teen] can't go.

That's when I let her know that I will celebrate her marriage and we'll attend the ceremony but won't be able to make the reception.

Open bars have no bearing on inviting kids. Adults only weddings are something that every couple has the right to do, but I just think they are gross. My brother just got married in December and my 12 and under nieces and nephews had an absolute blast. Weddings are about getting family together to celebrate the married couple and kids are very much a part of that. If you have an adults only wedding then you have to expect that some people with kid will not attend.

Also why the hell would people tell OP to go without her husband? Maybe I am just weird, but every wedding my husband and I go to always brings about good memories of our own wedding and life we have built together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it were a friend or cousin or something you would be fine, but since it’s your sister you should have sucked it up and dealt with it (even though it’s lame she couldn’t include her 15 year old niece, who I would argue could be an exception to the adult rule because of her close family status). A 15 year old can stay in the hotel room for a few hours. Your DH could even go check on her. Hell, she could sit in the car with an iPad for that matter.

Again I’m not saying she was “right” or that you weren’t inconvenienced but the best thing to do would have been to just eat it this one time.

Sorry, I just saw the SN thing. You should have hired a sitter. Again, it sucks. But c’est la vie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, my sister is getting married - 2nd wedding - and told me my teen can come to the ceremony but not the reception because it's adult only. After discussing with my DH, we decided to all go to the ceremony, but not go to the reception. We don't feel comfortable leaving our teen alone and I don't want to go to the reception without my DH.

I wrote a very nice long response basically telling her that we are so happy for her, excited to witness her getting married and share in her joy. However, we won't be attending the reception.

Now, I find out my sister is very mad at me for not going to her reception. My parents are refusing to go to the reception because we're not going (and they're also mad my teen wasn't invited) and there is all this drama.

I thought I did the right thing. I mean, isn't the rule that she's allowed to not invite whoever she wants and I'm allowed to not go? By the way, we have a very small family so the only people on my sister's side of the wedding are her kids (early 20s), my parents, and me and my family. Everyone else at the reception will be friends and the groom's kids. My parents nor I would know anyone at the reception.

Was I wrong to gracefully (at least I think it was graceful) decline the reception invite? The wedding is about 2 hours away so we'll be traveling and staying at a hotel for the event, which I'm doing only to attend the ceremony.

This is weird, OP. Why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify some points. My teen has SN and is cognitively delayed - we can't leave her alone at home or at a hotel. I am pissed at my parents. They said they aren't going because my sister is excluding my teen so regardless of whether I attend the reception alone - they are not going.

I am not judgmental at all and not resentful. I was very nice and she already knows about my teen and the situation. I thought that she knew we wouldn't be able to go and she sort of expected it by her invite.

And, to clarify, she did originally tell me that even though it was adults only, it was that way because it's an open bar but she talked to them...wait let me get the text and say exactly what she originally said:

"[Teen] is invited - the reception is "adult only" bc of open bar but I told them about [teen] so they are prepared."

Then afterwards, she wrote and said they are "orchestrating and planning" as an adult only party so [teen] can't go.

That's when I let her know that I will celebrate her marriage and we'll attend the ceremony but won't be able to make the reception.

Your parents are responsible for themselves at this point. You need to act independently of their decision. It sounds like you and your sister don’t have the greatest communication overall. If you can’t work this through an honest and open discussion then you should just attend the reception yourself rather than do permanent damage to the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Ultimately I think this is less a wedding etiquette question and more a family with bad relationships all around, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t leave my teen alone in a hotel. No way, no how. So yes, I would have done the same thing as you.

You are already there. If your teen needs babysitting, DH can stay with him. Come on Op it’s your sister. Go to the reception.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised people don't go without their spouses. DH is often out of town for work and unable to accompany me. I've attended probably a dozen funerals, graduations, and weddings without him. Funerals are the hardest for me to attend without him.

[Anonymous]

The more I think about this, the weirdest part is that OP wouldn’t just go without DH. That makes me think both sisters are doing this on purpose in some sort of toxic sister showdown.

[Anonymous]

I'm on your side OP. I wouldn't want to go alone, and it's beyond rude that your sister is refusing to let your kid go. So--everyone's invited to the party except one? What's that kid supposed to do while everyone else is having dinner and cake? Just sit in the hotel room alone? Your sister did this to herself. No sympathy for her. There's an easy solution--invite the only family who wasn't invited.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for DH staying back with your DD. It's your sister's wedding, for god's sake. Regardless of what your parents decide to do, you are creating a rift between you and your sister that may be difficult to repair in the future.