Wedding invitation/Issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve read all the way through and I still think you should go. DH and daughter should have a fun movie and pizza picnic at the hotel while you go to the grownup party. Your sister is very hurt. She obviously wants you there. There is NO reasonable reason not to go. It’s rare to find DCUM unanimous in this but it is clear that you should go. Your sister will be MUCH more hurt and pretty much forever, vs your daughter who can have fun with her dad at a hotel and will have enjoyed the ceremony earlier. Your daughter has enough cognitive awareness to understand that some things are for kids and some just grownups. You can simply say your sister thought at first that she could come to the after party but then found out the rules said she couldn’t.

Your parents are absolutely off the chain and them not attending is unforgivable. If you think it is because of your daughter you had better be VERY clear with them that you don’t want them to do that.

OP here, actually, it's not so obvious she wants me there.

And I agree that my parents are being absolutely awful here. They see family as the absolute priority above all else. They don't understand why my sister would celebrate her marriage without wanting all of her family around. But I've long ago accepted my sister's preferences and half expected something like this.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t leave my teen alone in a hotel. No way, no how. So yes, I would have done the same thing as you.

Strike this, I misread your husband as not traveling. If he is traveling with you, I would have him stay at the hotel with the teen and go solo to the reception.

But in no way would I leave the teen alone in another city in a hotel.

Are you kidding? I'd do this without a second thought. She (presumably) has a phone - order room service, bolt the door, and she'll be fine.

Not kidding at all. I’m not comfortable with the idea that other people can have a key to the room including master keys that override the deadbolt. Many hotels have policies about unattended minors on the premises as well. We all have our limits but that’s one of mine.

All hotels have security features for doors, such as chins. This kind of fear is completely irrational, and can become debilitating.

Seems like that’s a parenting choice you would make but I’ll stick with my own. I’d still go with my husband to this wedding, but on this particular count, I’m with OP.

OP here. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you can’t have your cake and eat it too. If you had just told your sister you and your family couldn’t come because your DDs cognitive issues make it difficult to find a babysitter, you probably would have been fine. But by traveling to attend the ceremony, it makes you look extremely petty for not just attending the reception solo and letting your DH chill with DD at the hotel. Lying to your DD about the reception is also not going to fly because the reception will certainly come up at the ceremony or at some other point that weekend.

OP here. I would think that if I declined to go to everything, it would create more drama. I thought by accepting all invitations that include my teen, I'm being supportive and supporting my sister.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t leave my teen alone in a hotel. No way, no how. So yes, I would have done the same thing as you.

Strike this, I misread your husband as not traveling. If he is traveling with you, I would have him stay at the hotel with the teen and go solo to the reception.

But in no way would I leave the teen alone in another city in a hotel.

Are you kidding? I'd do this without a second thought. She (presumably) has a phone - order room service, bolt the door, and she'll be fine.

Not kidding at all. I’m not comfortable with the idea that other people can have a key to the room including master keys that override the deadbolt. Many hotels have policies about unattended minors on the premises as well. We all have our limits but that’s one of mine.

All hotels have security features for doors, such as chins. This kind of fear is completely irrational, and can become debilitating.

+1

Stop trying to stir the pot, and just admit you can't be happy for your sister, OP.

OP here - I am not the pp that you're responding to and I'm not stirring any pot - far from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP, as the mom of a child with SN-I probably would not go.

The sister knows her niece has sn and can't be left alone. She has no right to be angry at OP for not wanting to leave behind her dd, sister's niece. I bet the parents feel the same way and that is why they may not come.

OP here. Thank you for saying this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP, as the mom of a child with SN-I probably would not go.

The sister knows her niece has sn and can't be left alone. She has no right to be angry at OP for not wanting to leave behind her dd, sister's niece. I bet the parents feel the same way and that is why they may not come.

OP here. Thank you for saying this.

But this is not fair; your daughter doesn’t need both parents. I’m SURE your husband has been with her on his own for a couple of hours. I think you need to take ownership of your decision- if you aren’t willing to go to your own sister’s reception it’s NOT because your daughter needs you. It’s because you aren’t willing to be a little uncomfortable going with out your husband, either because you are very anxious or your mad at your sister for how this was handled. I’m a PP who also has a child with some special needs and I very very rarely leave my child with a babysitter so I totally understand that part of the decision making. But you can still go, and pretending you can’t isn’t helpful. I think that’s what most of us are reacting very strongly to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't add up, because every wedding I have ever been to has been open bar and most have had kids. In no way does open bar mean kids can't be there. I had an open bar and 10 teenage cousins at my wedding.

I suspect that might be why your parents are mad. Your sister is not prohibited from including you child. She chose not to.


Regardless, your sister gets to choose the invitees and you (and your parents) get to choose whether or not to attend. End of story. She doesn't get to be mad that you elect not to go under the circumstances she has chosen.

DP and I agree with all of this.

[Anonymous]

OP - I am with you.
Inviting/disinviting your daughter was a shitty move.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t leave my teen alone in a hotel. No way, no how. So yes, I would have done the same thing as you.

Strike this, I misread your husband as not traveling. If he is traveling with you, I would have him stay at the hotel with the teen and go solo to the reception.

But in no way would I leave the teen alone in another city in a hotel.

Are you kidding? I'd do this without a second thought. She (presumably) has a phone - order room service, bolt the door, and she'll be fine.

Not kidding at all. I’m not comfortable with the idea that other people can have a key to the room including master keys that override the deadbolt. Many hotels have policies about unattended minors on the premises as well. We all have our limits but that’s one of mine.

All hotels have security features for doors, such as chins. This kind of fear is completely irrational, and can become debilitating.

Seems like that’s a parenting choice you would make but I’ll stick with my own. I’d still go with my husband to this wedding, but on this particular count, I’m with OP.

OP here. Thank you.

I don't know why you're thanking her, she's talking about a completely different situation - leaving a neurotypical teen alone in a hotel room for a few hours. Your issues are totally different than that - you won;t even leave your daughter with her father because she might find out that not everyone is invited to everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP, as the mom of a child with SN-I probably would not go.

The sister knows her niece has sn and can't be left alone. She has no right to be angry at OP for not wanting to leave behind her dd, sister's niece. I bet the parents feel the same way and that is why they may not come.

OP here. Thank you for saying this.

But this is not fair; your daughter doesn’t need both parents. I’m SURE your husband has been with her on his own for a couple of hours. I think you need to take ownership of your decision- if you aren’t willing to go to your own sister’s reception it’s NOT because your daughter needs you. It’s because you aren’t willing to be a little uncomfortable going with out your husband, either because you are very anxious or your mad at your sister for how this was handled. I’m a PP who also has a child with some special needs and I very very rarely leave my child with a babysitter so I totally understand that part of the decision making. But you can still go, and pretending you can’t isn’t helpful. I think that’s what most of us are reacting very strongly to.

Well said. Stop trying to make this about your daughter. It sounds like you never wanted to go in the first place and now you think you have a good excuse to skip it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am with you.
Inviting/disinviting your daughter was a shitty move.

This is a point that has been overlooked in all the pages of responses.

Call the country club yourself. See if it's "them" who cannot accommodate your daughter. I feel like your sister is not being honest.

The invite/un-invite would really hurt my feelings, for my kid (I have an SN family member), and I am not sure that I could go and enjoy myself (and yes, I've attended plenty of events without DH, who had a conflict or stayed home with DS).

To add, my sister would never have done this to us.

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you are mainly shopping for agreement with your existing stance. hopefully you will take some time to actually consider the majority perspective here. You’ve got some stuff to work through. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The more I think about this, the weirdest part is that OP wouldn’t just go without DH. That makes me think both sisters are doing this on purpose in some sort of toxic sister showdown.

This. OP doesn’t want to go and is using this as an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand not wanting to leave a teen alone, but I can't understand at all not being able to go to a family wedding for your own family without your DH.

This. I think it is a little ridiculous you won’t go to the reception without DH. It is your sister and I’m presuming you’ll have a lot of other family and friends there you know.

[Anonymous]

Team op. Sister sounds obnoxious. And it’s rude to say no kids when 1. Is a teenage niece and 2. There are other kids there.