Guy I'm dating says he needs time to "wrap things up" before we start our relatioship- what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So a week to breakup with people is too long. But sleeping together nonexclusively for 3 months isn’t…what the what.

What the hell...it's not a business presentation. This doesn't have to impact on his personal time with OP *at all*, nor does he need to share/burden her with the details. He can text these 2 ladies, meet up at Starbucks twice, and call it a freaking day.

The whole thing is weird. *Not* that he's breaking up with them nicely. That he's involving OP in it at all.

[Anonymous]

Op was playing the part of the “cool girl”, who didn’t care that the guy she was sleeping with was dating other people. But that wasn’t true, it bothered her mightily. So once he agreed to be exclusive, the cover came of, and now she’s being open that she’s not happy that these other women have been in the background the whole time.

Us women are our own worst enemies. Don’t sleep with guys without exclusivity if you are looking for an exclusive relationship. Dating one person at a time is a perfectly normal expectation. Stop settling for less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need advice. I've been dating a guy casually for 3 months- he takes me out 2x a week on proper dates and we have a great time. We're both 40 and divorced.

We are sleeping together but have not had the "exclusive" talk until last night. We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend.

However, he told me he needs a little time to "wrap things up" - get off the dating apps (which we met on), and break things off with the other people he had been dating. He said he needs 7- 10 days to do that. I said that seemed kind of long and I asked specifically what that meant, and he was transparent and said that he has been seeing two other women who are really good people, and he owes it to them to meet in person to say that things aren't going to work out between them.

I told him that I thought a phone call to them would be normal, but he insisted that he needs to at least meet and have coffee with them. I told him that something doesn't feel right to me, and I don't know if this is a good way to start a serious relationship. He said, "I think you're overthinking this...and I'm being punished for being transparent."

What do you think I should I do?

Can I also flag this? Why is he saying that "he is being punished for being transparent"? You had concerns and you voiced them, and this sounds like gaslighting to me, nevermind who is right about in-person vs phone call breakups. I don't like that he used the words you are punishing him. A bit extreme to me and could be a harbinger of how he deals with things you disagree on in the future. I also think that manipulative responses like this don't bode well for a person's intentions IMO.

To me, it sounds like she was threatening to not become exclusive with him after all if he breaks up with these women in person as he prefers to. I agree with him that OP is trying to punish him for being honest.

PP here. I just don't agree. She didn't directly threaten him -- she said her opinion was that a phone call was ok and she was concerned about starting the relationship this way and it didn't feel right. Not sure where the threat is... Twisting those words and assuming they are a threat/punishment is the fault of the receiver.

Completely disagree. Crazy how this guy can be so honest with her, at her command, to his own detriment, and still be spun up as a villain by OP and some of the people on this board. He said point-blank he wants to meet them at least for coffee to break up. He knows them; he's been dating them; this is how he feels he should behave to end the relationships. But if he doesn't do as OP commands - "a phone call would be normal" then he's a manipulative "gaslighter" who's going to sleep with everyone and get her an STI?

Cool, cool.

If he is such a decent guy, why can't he commit to OP before meeting up for breakup coffee? I don't really care one way or the other how he breaks up with them as long as he does it respectfully. That can happen over the phone, in person, even over text, frankly as long as he's not a total jerk. He can commit to monogamy with OP effective immediately, with the caveat that he needs to break up with these women in person. A decent guy would be fine with that. A sleazeball would definitely refer to that expectation as being punished for honesty though.

At this point, he's probably reconsidering his commitment to Sparkle Motion.

[Anonymous]

There is so much crazy projection on this thread,

He never asked for a break. He didn’t ask not to see OP. He just asked her to respect he would need 7-10 days to let other people he was dating know he had found someone else, and probably to change his OLD prop file, etc.

You have no idea how long he has been involved with these other women, and even if casual, they do deserve a little more than a text. I mean, wouldn’t you want that for yourself? Also, not exclusive does not mean there may not be significant feelings, even some items at each other’s places.

It seems I’m some sort of freakish outlier in DCUM land, but I actually think it’s a really attractive quality that he wants to start this relationship properly and maturely sever other ties before moving forward together.

I also don’t see OP’s rush to ?I’m not sure what? She’s been dating and sleeping with him for 3 months “un exclusively” already, and he wants the relationship to proceed as well. What’s a week, when there is an agreement and things are moving forward during that week by him breaking off other ties, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a week to breakup with people is too long. But sleeping together nonexclusively for 3 months isn’t…what the what.

What the hell...it's not a business presentation. This doesn't have to impact on his personal time with OP *at all*, nor does he need to share/burden her with the details. He can text these 2 ladies, meet up at Starbucks twice, and call it a freaking day.

The whole thing is weird. *Not* that he's breaking up with them nicely. That he's involving OP in it at all.

I think the honesty is refreshing. What would happen if OP “caught” him or whatever out with one of these women? She’d lose it because they were “exclusive”. He is being honest that he is possibly meeting these other women *that he has been dating and has not had the opportunity to tell them otherwise* in the next 7-10 days so she is aware of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op was playing the part of the “cool girl”, who didn’t care that the guy she was sleeping with was dating other people. But that wasn’t true, it bothered her mightily. So once he agreed to be exclusive, the cover came of, and now she’s being open that she’s not happy that these other women have been in the background the whole time.

Us women are our own worst enemies. Don’t sleep with guys without exclusivity if you are looking for an exclusive relationship. Dating one person at a time is a perfectly normal expectation. Stop settling for less.

So much this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he should have known by now, 3 months in, that he wanted to be with you and should have already gradually stopped seeing the other women. This doesn’t feel great to me.

I think it's the height of immaturity to initiate an exclusivity talk and then, when the other person agrees, punish them because it hurts your feelings that they were not actually being exclusive before the talk happens. OP is too old for this mindset.

OP: I'm not punishing him for not being exclusive. I was dating other people also. He told me he was not serious with either of them, so I guess I don't understand why a phone call is not sufficient?

Didn’t read all the responses but even though he said it was “not serious” was he sleeping with them? I could sort of see both sides to this. If he is is seeing someone else fairly regularly, I can see that it would warrant more than a text message. OTOH, I don’t know that I would want to dress up, meet someone put in public and think it’s going to be a great date, just for them to say they met someone else and no longer want to see me - especially if this isn’t a serious relationship.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Just move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should give him the week he asked for.

+1 Are you really looking to punish this guy for . . . being a decent person with mature communication skills? Nothing he's asking for sounds unreasonable, and his reasoning is admirable.

+1. Your friends are idiots. Don't be stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op was playing the part of the “cool girl”, who didn’t care that the guy she was sleeping with was dating other people. But that wasn’t true, it bothered her mightily. So once he agreed to be exclusive, the cover came of, and now she’s being open that she’s not happy that these other women have been in the background the whole time.

Us women are our own worst enemies. Don’t sleep with guys without exclusivity if you are looking for an exclusive relationship. Dating one person at a time is a perfectly normal expectation. Stop settling for less.

This. Lying in the beginning makes you look like a psycho later on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should give him the week he asked for.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to fall back and let him handle it the way he deems fit. You're doing too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is one he likes just a bit more than you. He wants to see if he can get her to be exclusive with him first, before committing with you.

Totally this. He needs some time to figure out his other options. Run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is one he likes just a bit more than you. He wants to see if he can get her to be exclusive with him first, before committing with you.

Totally this. He needs some time to figure out his other options. Run.

Op: we talked again today and he said he was not sleeping with either of them. Does that change things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op was playing the part of the “cool girl”, who didn’t care that the guy she was sleeping with was dating other people. But that wasn’t true, it bothered her mightily. So once he agreed to be exclusive, the cover came of, and now she’s being open that she’s not happy that these other women have been in the background the whole time.

Us women are our own worst enemies. Don’t sleep with guys without exclusivity if you are looking for an exclusive relationship. Dating one person at a time is a perfectly normal expectation. Stop settling for less.

+1000