Guy I'm dating says he needs time to "wrap things up" before we start our relatioship- what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What he said wasn't necessarily off/wrong but what is telling is that when you told it him made you uncomfortable, he responded in the way that he did--dismiss your feelings ('overthinking it') and then turning it on you (accusing you of punishing him when you told him that you were uncomfortable). That tells me that you and he are not at all compatible. I mean, you just had a talk about becoming exclusive, and the first thing he does is downplay your feelings so....

Here's the thing. Just because you have "feelings" doesn't mean that the situation warrants your suspicions.

What really bugs me about this thread is that if we're taking OPs post as facts - then all the OP did was be upfront, honest, and say he wanted to break things off with others in person. OP doesn't really have a role in that - the BF didn't even have to tell her. If he wanted to be disingenuous, then all he would have to do is say nothing. But OP wanted to dictate how HE ended things with others - when they were not exclusive. For OP to feel "uncomfortable" with someone who doesn't feel good about ending things through text simply because she's not the one affected is childish and self-centered.

And then everyone piles on to say OP is shady? Based on what? Based on the fact that he had the nerve to say he wanted to end things on his terms before he's exclusive with OP? That's being shady? You people want minions not true partners. You can express your feelings - doesn't mean you get your way. WTF.

This PP is dead wrong. OP has the right to her feelings and to break things off when she's not comfortable. They aren't compatible & she doesn't have to twist herself into an emotional pretzel to make it work. Better on her for doing it sooner, rather than later.

DP. Of course OP has the right to her feelings and to break it off with anyone, for any reason. It's the way that so many people had to twist the narrative to paint this guy as a sketchy scumbag that's ridiculous. He didn't do anything wrong. If she's not comfortable, don't date him, but he's not a bad guy, and needing to make him the bad guy to justify not moving forward in a relationship is childish.

The bigger issue is about his reaction when Op said she was uncomfortable, rather than wanting to break it off with them in person. He never tried to understand OP’s point of view, just said that he was being punished and had snide remarks. That’s a huge red flag, and it’s a good assumption he will handle all conflict with Op like that if they continued in a relationship.

I went through a similar situation at the beginning of my relationship (now marriage), and I would have broken up with him if I had been dismissed. He should have listened to what OP had to say, empathized with her, and worked to find a solution that worked for both of them.

No, that's not the bigger issue.

The bigger issue is that OP "feels" something and doesn't like the way the guy wants to end his relationships that have nothing to do with her. In any other scenarios - right here on this forum - ppl say that breaking it off by text is an asshole move and that an in person convo is generally the move. So really - everyone ignored the fact that OP is "uncomfortable" when really that means "insecure" and "possessive". Why would he have to compromise about how he breaks things off? She's uncomfortable that he's in other women's presence? That he might change his mind? It makes no sense and everyone on the thread is coddling her because - "feelings!".

Your insecurity and self-esteem issues doesn't mean you get to change normal social behaviors because they don't fit your script.

DP. Wow, project much? Who hurt you? Half the people on this thread agree that his behavior wasn't normal. There is room for difference of opinion here. It's not cut and dry -- sorry it doesn't "fit your script" lol.

"who hurt you" is such a juvenile trope. The ironic thing is that I'm not hurt - I actually give guys the opportunity to honest and don't think everyone is shady like you and OP. Sounds like EYE am not the hurting one. I actually believe what people I'm dating say to me unless proven otherwise. Imagine that.

Sounds like you are still single. Imagine that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP - AND as a side note, the guy saying per OP:

You're over thinking this and I think that I being punished for transparent.

She WAS overthinking it - to the point of being uncomfortable?! Gimme a break

And he stated how HE felt he was being punished for being upfront and honest. He is and was.

When someone disagrees with you and you call it punishment -- classic abuse line.

Just because abusers use a line doesn't make it an "abuse line".

Honestly - how do you guys go from the man saying "I want to be upfront, I need to break things off with the others I'm seeing in person and telling you so" into this guy is a abusive cheater and to run away is absolutely RIDICULOUS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP - AND as a side note, the guy saying per OP:

You're over thinking this and I think that I being punished for transparent.

She WAS overthinking it - to the point of being uncomfortable?! Gimme a break

And he stated how HE felt he was being punished for being upfront and honest. He is and was.

When someone disagrees with you and you call it punishment -- classic abuse line.

Just because abusers use a line doesn't make it an "abuse line".

Honestly - how do you guys go from the man saying "I want to be upfront, I need to break things off with the others I'm seeing in person and telling you so" into this guy is a abusive cheater and to run away is absolutely RIDICULOUS.

It wasn't the break it off in person line, it was invalidating her emotions and calling it punishment. Two distinct things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What he said wasn't necessarily off/wrong but what is telling is that when you told it him made you uncomfortable, he responded in the way that he did--dismiss your feelings ('overthinking it') and then turning it on you (accusing you of punishing him when you told him that you were uncomfortable). That tells me that you and he are not at all compatible. I mean, you just had a talk about becoming exclusive, and the first thing he does is downplay your feelings so....

Here's the thing. Just because you have "feelings" doesn't mean that the situation warrants your suspicions.

What really bugs me about this thread is that if we're taking OPs post as facts - then all the OP did was be upfront, honest, and say he wanted to break things off with others in person. OP doesn't really have a role in that - the BF didn't even have to tell her. If he wanted to be disingenuous, then all he would have to do is say nothing. But OP wanted to dictate how HE ended things with others - when they were not exclusive. For OP to feel "uncomfortable" with someone who doesn't feel good about ending things through text simply because she's not the one affected is childish and self-centered.

And then everyone piles on to say OP is shady? Based on what? Based on the fact that he had the nerve to say he wanted to end things on his terms before he's exclusive with OP? That's being shady? You people want minions not true partners. You can express your feelings - doesn't mean you get your way. WTF.

This PP is dead wrong. OP has the right to her feelings and to break things off when she's not comfortable. They aren't compatible & she doesn't have to twist herself into an emotional pretzel to make it work. Better on her for doing it sooner, rather than later.

DP. Of course OP has the right to her feelings and to break it off with anyone, for any reason. It's the way that so many people had to twist the narrative to paint this guy as a sketchy scumbag that's ridiculous. He didn't do anything wrong. If she's not comfortable, don't date him, but he's not a bad guy, and needing to make him the bad guy to justify not moving forward in a relationship is childish.

She didn't make him the bad guy. I'm defending her because you called her childish and self centered. If, as you say, the guy in this scenario doesn't deserve to be dragged through the mud, then she deserves the same. You are doing exactly what you are complaining about in your prior posts!

DP means "different poster."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What he said wasn't necessarily off/wrong but what is telling is that when you told it him made you uncomfortable, he responded in the way that he did--dismiss your feelings ('overthinking it') and then turning it on you (accusing you of punishing him when you told him that you were uncomfortable). That tells me that you and he are not at all compatible. I mean, you just had a talk about becoming exclusive, and the first thing he does is downplay your feelings so....

Here's the thing. Just because you have "feelings" doesn't mean that the situation warrants your suspicions.

What really bugs me about this thread is that if we're taking OPs post as facts - then all the OP did was be upfront, honest, and say he wanted to break things off with others in person. OP doesn't really have a role in that - the BF didn't even have to tell her. If he wanted to be disingenuous, then all he would have to do is say nothing. But OP wanted to dictate how HE ended things with others - when they were not exclusive. For OP to feel "uncomfortable" with someone who doesn't feel good about ending things through text simply because she's not the one affected is childish and self-centered.

And then everyone piles on to say OP is shady? Based on what? Based on the fact that he had the nerve to say he wanted to end things on his terms before he's exclusive with OP? That's being shady? You people want minions not true partners. You can express your feelings - doesn't mean you get your way. WTF.

This PP is dead wrong. OP has the right to her feelings and to break things off when she's not comfortable. They aren't compatible & she doesn't have to twist herself into an emotional pretzel to make it work. Better on her for doing it sooner, rather than later.

DP. Of course OP has the right to her feelings and to break it off with anyone, for any reason. It's the way that so many people had to twist the narrative to paint this guy as a sketchy scumbag that's ridiculous. He didn't do anything wrong. If she's not comfortable, don't date him, but he's not a bad guy, and needing to make him the bad guy to justify not moving forward in a relationship is childish.

The bigger issue is about his reaction when Op said she was uncomfortable, rather than wanting to break it off with them in person. He never tried to understand OP’s point of view, just said that he was being punished and had snide remarks. That’s a huge red flag, and it’s a good assumption he will handle all conflict with Op like that if they continued in a relationship.

I went through a similar situation at the beginning of my relationship (now marriage), and I would have broken up with him if I had been dismissed. He should have listened to what OP had to say, empathized with her, and worked to find a solution that worked for both of them.

No, that's not the bigger issue.

The bigger issue is that OP "feels" something and doesn't like the way the guy wants to end his relationships that have nothing to do with her. In any other scenarios - right here on this forum - ppl say that breaking it off by text is an asshole move and that an in person convo is generally the move. So really - everyone ignored the fact that OP is "uncomfortable" when really that means "insecure" and "possessive". Why would he have to compromise about how he breaks things off? She's uncomfortable that he's in other women's presence? That he might change his mind? It makes no sense and everyone on the thread is coddling her because - "feelings!".

Your insecurity and self-esteem issues doesn't mean you get to change normal social behaviors because they don't fit your script.

DP. Wow, project much? Who hurt you? Half the people on this thread agree that his behavior wasn't normal. There is room for difference of opinion here. It's not cut and dry -- sorry it doesn't "fit your script" lol.

"who hurt you" is such a juvenile trope. The ironic thing is that I'm not hurt - I actually give guys the opportunity to honest and don't think everyone is shady like you and OP. Sounds like EYE am not the hurting one. I actually believe what people I'm dating say to me unless proven otherwise. Imagine that.

Sounds like you are still single. Imagine that.

You want women to be unhappy and miserable like you. That's unfortunate. There's professional help out there for ppl like you that take forum comments to personal insults. I'm not single anymore, but when I was, I actually enjoyed dating and enjoyed most of the experiences. I didn't make up shit to be mad about and didn't run around calling every man a liar and potential abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What he said wasn't necessarily off/wrong but what is telling is that when you told it him made you uncomfortable, he responded in the way that he did--dismiss your feelings ('overthinking it') and then turning it on you (accusing you of punishing him when you told him that you were uncomfortable). That tells me that you and he are not at all compatible. I mean, you just had a talk about becoming exclusive, and the first thing he does is downplay your feelings so....

Here's the thing. Just because you have "feelings" doesn't mean that the situation warrants your suspicions.

What really bugs me about this thread is that if we're taking OPs post as facts - then all the OP did was be upfront, honest, and say he wanted to break things off with others in person. OP doesn't really have a role in that - the BF didn't even have to tell her. If he wanted to be disingenuous, then all he would have to do is say nothing. But OP wanted to dictate how HE ended things with others - when they were not exclusive. For OP to feel "uncomfortable" with someone who doesn't feel good about ending things through text simply because she's not the one affected is childish and self-centered.

And then everyone piles on to say OP is shady? Based on what? Based on the fact that he had the nerve to say he wanted to end things on his terms before he's exclusive with OP? That's being shady? You people want minions not true partners. You can express your feelings - doesn't mean you get your way. WTF.

This PP is dead wrong. OP has the right to her feelings and to break things off when she's not comfortable. They aren't compatible & she doesn't have to twist herself into an emotional pretzel to make it work. Better on her for doing it sooner, rather than later.

DP. Of course OP has the right to her feelings and to break it off with anyone, for any reason. It's the way that so many people had to twist the narrative to paint this guy as a sketchy scumbag that's ridiculous. He didn't do anything wrong. If she's not comfortable, don't date him, but he's not a bad guy, and needing to make him the bad guy to justify not moving forward in a relationship is childish.

The bigger issue is about his reaction when Op said she was uncomfortable, rather than wanting to break it off with them in person. He never tried to understand OP’s point of view, just said that he was being punished and had snide remarks. That’s a huge red flag, and it’s a good assumption he will handle all conflict with Op like that if they continued in a relationship.

I went through a similar situation at the beginning of my relationship (now marriage), and I would have broken up with him if I had been dismissed. He should have listened to what OP had to say, empathized with her, and worked to find a solution that worked for both of them.

No, that's not the bigger issue.

The bigger issue is that OP "feels" something and doesn't like the way the guy wants to end his relationships that have nothing to do with her. In any other scenarios - right here on this forum - ppl say that breaking it off by text is an asshole move and that an in person convo is generally the move. So really - everyone ignored the fact that OP is "uncomfortable" when really that means "insecure" and "possessive". Why would he have to compromise about how he breaks things off? She's uncomfortable that he's in other women's presence? That he might change his mind? It makes no sense and everyone on the thread is coddling her because - "feelings!".

Your insecurity and self-esteem issues doesn't mean you get to change normal social behaviors because they don't fit your script.

DP. Wow, project much? Who hurt you? Half the people on this thread agree that his behavior wasn't normal. There is room for difference of opinion here. It's not cut and dry -- sorry it doesn't "fit your script" lol.

"who hurt you" is such a juvenile trope. The ironic thing is that I'm not hurt - I actually give guys the opportunity to honest and don't think everyone is shady like you and OP. Sounds like EYE am not the hurting one. I actually believe what people I'm dating say to me unless proven otherwise. Imagine that.

Sounds like you are still single. Imagine that.

You want women to be unhappy and miserable like you. That's unfortunate. There's professional help out there for ppl like you that take forum comments to personal insults. I'm not single anymore, but when I was, I actually enjoyed dating and enjoyed most of the experiences. I didn't make up shit to be mad about and didn't run around calling every man a liar and potential abuser.

Who sounds unhappy? From this thread, it's pretty clear. That's unfortunate.

[Anonymous]

Always wrap it up before you start. Someday you'll thank me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you were used OP. Next time commitment before sex. Please also get STD tests

Op wasn't used. .

She didn’t handle the situation well from the outset. If you want a commitment from a guy when you’re sleeping with him, you need to ask for that commitment before you actually sleep with him. Having sex and then talking about commitment sets the relationship up for failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What he said wasn't necessarily off/wrong but what is telling is that when you told it him made you uncomfortable, he responded in the way that he did--dismiss your feelings ('overthinking it') and then turning it on you (accusing you of punishing him when you told him that you were uncomfortable). That tells me that you and he are not at all compatible. I mean, you just had a talk about becoming exclusive, and the first thing he does is downplay your feelings so....

Here's the thing. Just because you have "feelings" doesn't mean that the situation warrants your suspicions.

What really bugs me about this thread is that if we're taking OPs post as facts - then all the OP did was be upfront, honest, and say he wanted to break things off with others in person. OP doesn't really have a role in that - the BF didn't even have to tell her. If he wanted to be disingenuous, then all he would have to do is say nothing. But OP wanted to dictate how HE ended things with others - when they were not exclusive. For OP to feel "uncomfortable" with someone who doesn't feel good about ending things through text simply because she's not the one affected is childish and self-centered.

And then everyone piles on to say OP is shady? Based on what? Based on the fact that he had the nerve to say he wanted to end things on his terms before he's exclusive with OP? That's being shady? You people want minions not true partners. You can express your feelings - doesn't mean you get your way. WTF.

This PP is dead wrong. OP has the right to her feelings and to break things off when she's not comfortable. They aren't compatible & she doesn't have to twist herself into an emotional pretzel to make it work. Better on her for doing it sooner, rather than later.

DP. Of course OP has the right to her feelings and to break it off with anyone, for any reason. It's the way that so many people had to twist the narrative to paint this guy as a sketchy scumbag that's ridiculous. He didn't do anything wrong. If she's not comfortable, don't date him, but he's not a bad guy, and needing to make him the bad guy to justify not moving forward in a relationship is childish.

The bigger issue is about his reaction when Op said she was uncomfortable, rather than wanting to break it off with them in person. He never tried to understand OP’s point of view, just said that he was being punished and had snide remarks. That’s a huge red flag, and it’s a good assumption he will handle all conflict with Op like that if they continued in a relationship.

I went through a similar situation at the beginning of my relationship (now marriage), and I would have broken up with him if I had been dismissed. He should have listened to what OP had to say, empathized with her, and worked to find a solution that worked for both of them.

No, that's not the bigger issue.

The bigger issue is that OP "feels" something and doesn't like the way the guy wants to end his relationships that have nothing to do with her. In any other scenarios - right here on this forum - ppl say that breaking it off by text is an asshole move and that an in person convo is generally the move. So really - everyone ignored the fact that OP is "uncomfortable" when really that means "insecure" and "possessive". Why would he have to compromise about how he breaks things off? She's uncomfortable that he's in other women's presence? That he might change his mind? It makes no sense and everyone on the thread is coddling her because - "feelings!".

Your insecurity and self-esteem issues doesn't mean you get to change normal social behaviors because they don't fit your script.

There are many options between “text” and “meet for coffee”.

Personally I’d be very confused and weirded out if a man I had been out with a handful of times asked me out for coffee and then broke up with me because he met someone else. Especially if, as OP stated, he claims to have not slept with them. The last thing in the world I want is to get dressed up, drive to meet him, buy myself a coffee, find out he doesn’t want to see me anymore, and then have to sit there for an hour while I drink my coffee and listen to him yammer. I don’t care if a man meets someone he is interested in, but I don’t want to go out under false pretenses that it’s a date and all the time and effort that go into that.

A phone call is much more appropriate, and that’s exactly what I’ve done when I ended things with men I had only been out with a few times. That is more normal social behavior.

I’d be very uncomfortable with a man who behaved like the man OP was dating, and that’s okay. Some women are fine with it, and that’s okay, too. We don’t all have to have the same preferences in partners. For me, it shows we have very different values and won’t be compatible long term. Other women will share his values, other men will share mine, and we should all find the people who work best *for us*.