Guy I'm dating says he needs time to "wrap things up" before we start our relatioship- what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue that everyone's getting hung up on is that this guy is breaking things off in person with the other women. Which, great. But he doesn't need a "7-10 day break" from OP to do this, nor does he need to make a federal case out of it. Go have that 30 min coffee with Larla and Larlita and be done with it. It's honestly not OP's business or concern. The fact that he's giving her this much detail and making it an issue between the two of them is the flag. OP querying the situation "that seems kind of long" is reasonable. Like, why is he bringing it up at all? If he wants to make OP his girlfriend, that's all she needs to know.

tldr; dude is sketch, OP. Also the whole "I'm being punished for my transparency" is gross. I'd move on.

I'm assuming the 7-10 days is to give him time to set up meetings with these women, since he wants to do it in person. He probably can't command them to show up within 24 hours, and he doesn't seem like the type to do so.

He only gave her detail because she explicitly asked for it. He said he needed some time and she wanted to know why.

[Anonymous]

So a week to breakup with people is too long. But sleeping together nonexclusively for 3 months isn’t…what the what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue that everyone's getting hung up on is that this guy is breaking things off in person with the other women. Which, great. But he doesn't need a "7-10 day break" from OP to do this, nor does he need to make a federal case out of it. Go have that 30 min coffee with Larla and Larlita and be done with it. It's honestly not OP's business or concern. The fact that he's giving her this much detail and making it an issue between the two of them is the flag. OP querying the situation "that seems kind of long" is reasonable. Like, why is he bringing it up at all? If he wants to make OP his girlfriend, that's all she needs to know.

tldr; dude is sketch, OP. Also the whole "I'm being punished for my transparency" is gross. I'd move on.

Exactly this. He’s been going about his business dating others and OP for three months without a need to take a break from her - why now? And, OP, what does the break look like? He’s MIA until Day 10? Makes sense your antennas are raised but I’m not sure it’s time to chop him yet. It may play out well and, at minimum, teach you a few things about this new dating world. It’s a ride, no pun intended.

[Anonymous]

If I were one of the other two women the last thing I’d want is one last date with someone who was intent on breaking things off with me. I’d much prefer a call or even a text. The guy sounds like a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

I think his request is unreasonable, especially if it makes you uncomfortable. He has no obligation to these other women, as he was not exclusive with them either. A simple phone call or email would do. Something just doesn't feel right to me, OP. If he truly wants to be with you, and knows that his meeting up with a couple of other women to "wrap things up" doesn't feel good to you, then he shouldn't do it. His priority should be you, not them.

[Anonymous]

I think that you're not ready for a relationship with a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he should have known by now, 3 months in, that he wanted to be with you and should have already gradually stopped seeing the other women. This doesn’t feel great to me.

I think it's the height of immaturity to initiate an exclusivity talk and then, when the other person agrees, punish them because it hurts your feelings that they were not actually being exclusive before the talk happens. OP is too old for this mindset.

OP: I'm not punishing him for not being exclusive. I was dating other people also. He told me he was not serious with either of them, so I guess I don't understand why a phone call is not sufficient?

Because he's not a jerk? Because he already had dates planned with them and now is going to use that meeting to end things? Because he knows them better than you do and he has his reasons for why he wouldn't want to be intentionally hurtful to people that he likes and has enjoyed getting to know?

Uh, I can say as a woman that I would much prefer receiving a phone call from someone I had been casually dating, than having to go out with them one last time only to awkwardly sit there while he told me he needed to move on, had found someone else. etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think his request is unreasonable, especially if it makes you uncomfortable. He has no obligation to these other women, as he was not exclusive with them either. A simple phone call or email would do. Something just doesn't feel right to me, OP. If he truly wants to be with you, and knows that his meeting up with a couple of other women to "wrap things up" doesn't feel good to you, then he shouldn't do it. His priority should be you, not them.

Disagree. He sounds like a decent guy. It sounds more like op wishes they were retroactively exclusive. If you want to be the only person a guy is sleeping with, you have to state that upfront, not after the fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he should have known by now, 3 months in, that he wanted to be with you and should have already gradually stopped seeing the other women. This doesn’t feel great to me.

I think it's the height of immaturity to initiate an exclusivity talk and then, when the other person agrees, punish them because it hurts your feelings that they were not actually being exclusive before the talk happens. OP is too old for this mindset.

OP: I'm not punishing him for not being exclusive. I was dating other people also. He told me he was not serious with either of them, so I guess I don't understand why a phone call is not sufficient?

Because he's not a jerk? Because he already had dates planned with them and now is going to use that meeting to end things? Because he knows them better than you do and he has his reasons for why he wouldn't want to be intentionally hurtful to people that he likes and has enjoyed getting to know?

Uh, I can say as a woman that I would much prefer receiving a phone call from someone I had been casually dating, than having to go out with them one last time only to awkwardly sit there while he told me he needed to move on, had found someone else. etc.

I would too (immediate PP) but I can tell you that every time I have expressed that on these boards I have been told that I am classless, a symptom of the death of courtesy, and a sad victim of hookup culture.

OP and presumably these other ladies are in their 40s, so I am surprised to see this guy's game plan (have coffee, say goodbye) is now a sign of the worst possible character in a person, when it's usually the other way around.

But. . . DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he should have known by now, 3 months in, that he wanted to be with you and should have already gradually stopped seeing the other women. This doesn’t feel great to me.

I think it's the height of immaturity to initiate an exclusivity talk and then, when the other person agrees, punish them because it hurts your feelings that they were not actually being exclusive before the talk happens. OP is too old for this mindset.

OP: I'm not punishing him for not being exclusive. I was dating other people also. He told me he was not serious with either of them, so I guess I don't understand why a phone call is not sufficient?

Because he's not a jerk? Because he already had dates planned with them and now is going to use that meeting to end things? Because he knows them better than you do and he has his reasons for why he wouldn't want to be intentionally hurtful to people that he likes and has enjoyed getting to know?

Uh, I can say as a woman that I would much prefer receiving a phone call from someone I had been casually dating, than having to go out with them one last time only to awkwardly sit there while he told me he needed to move on, had found someone else. etc.

Depends. Maybe the other women were FWB scenarios, and he wanted to meet them for coffee and just explain the changing circumstances rather than just ghost or text. We have no idea. Everyone is inventing stories here. Op should just give him the week and see how the relationship progresses from there.

[Anonymous]

This is who he is. He’s not into the text breakup. He sounds like he may be a little old fashioned. If that’s not for you, then your break up with him before he drops these other women. What is it you like about him? If you like how engaged he is with you, and he’s a talker, don’t judge him for being that way with others.

He doesn’t have to be a bad guy to not be for you.

[Anonymous]

I see no problem with this at all. He's been honest with you and wants to be considerate of the other women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were one of the other two women the last thing I’d want is one last date with someone who was intent on breaking things off with me. I’d much prefer a call or even a text. The guy sounds like a narcissist.

I'll admit, I've been off the dating market for awhile. However, when I was dating in my early 20s a man I was seeing and very much falling for took me on one last dinner date to break up with me in person. He went on to marry the woman he broke up with me for and they're still together, 15 years later.

I've always thought of him fondly, particularly for how he ended things with class and transparency. I dated tons of guys and he was the only one who handled it like that.

[Anonymous]

If this bothers you (and it would bother you), next time don't sleep with someone and THEN have the exclusivity DTR talk. Have that talk, and if it goes well, THEN sleep with him.

Why some women let men get away with this poor, sleazy treatment is beyond me.

[Anonymous]

It seems weird that he would be so specific to say 7-10 days. Most people would say yes and then would call the other women to tell them. I would think he maybe had some issues about rigidity or something else weird going on. I probably wouldn’t break up now but would have my eyes wide open. Has he been weird about other things?