Guy I'm dating says he needs time to "wrap things up" before we start our relatioship- what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need advice. I've been dating a guy casually for 3 months- he takes me out 2x a week on proper dates and we have a great time. We're both 40 and divorced.

We are sleeping together but have not had the "exclusive" talk until last night. We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend.

However, he told me he needs a little time to "wrap things up" - get off the dating apps (which we met on), and break things off with the other people he had been dating. He said he needs 7- 10 days to do that. I said that seemed kind of long and I asked specifically what that meant, and he was transparent and said that he has been seeing two other women who are really good people, and he owes it to them to meet in person to say that things aren't going to work out between them.

I told him that I thought a phone call to them would be normal, but he insisted that he needs to at least meet and have coffee with them. I told him that something doesn't feel right to me, and I don't know if this is a good way to start a serious relationship. He said, "I think you're overthinking this...and I'm being punished for being transparent."

OP sounds like a nightmare

What do you think I should I do?

Can I also flag this? Why is he saying that "he is being punished for being transparent"? You had concerns and you voiced them, and this sounds like gaslighting to me, nevermind who is right about in-person vs phone call breakups. I don't like that he used the words you are punishing him. A bit extreme to me and could be a harbinger of how he deals with things you disagree on in the future. I also think that manipulative responses like this don't bode well for a person's intentions IMO.

To me, it sounds like she was threatening to not become exclusive with him after all if he breaks up with these women in person as he prefers to. I agree with him that OP is trying to punish him for being honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a female reading this thread, I cannot imagine why guys want to put up with this kind of nonsense from women. We are EXHAUSTING!

Right?! I am a woman who is not like this, and the guys I date are always waiting for me to bust out some drama but I never do and they can’t handle it. Lol

[Anonymous]

OP: we talked this morning and I told him I needed to take a step back; I’m not sure if I’m ready for a relationship with him.
To be honest, my guy is telling me something is off here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: we talked this morning and I told him I needed to take a step back; I’m not sure if I’m ready for a relationship with him.
To be honest, my guy is telling me something is off here.

*gut not guy

[Anonymous]

Trust your instincts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: we talked this morning and I told him I needed to take a step back; I’m not sure if I’m ready for a relationship with him.
To be honest, my guy is telling me something is off here.

*gut not guy

OP: to elaborate, he told me he was only seeing each of them for 6 weeks and was not sleeping with either one. So why the need to have them get dressed up for a “coffee dare” and break up in person? I get the feeling it’s more about his ego- he wants to see how they’ll react.

[Anonymous]

He has no idea the bullet he just dodged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has no idea the bullet he just dodged.

+1. I wouldn't mind his number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: we talked this morning and I told him I needed to take a step back; I’m not sure if I’m ready for a relationship with him.
To be honest, my guy is telling me something is off here.

*gut not guy

OP: to elaborate, he told me he was only seeing each of them for 6 weeks and was not sleeping with either one. So why the need to have them get dressed up for a “coffee dare” and break up in person? I get the feeling it’s more about his ego- he wants to see how they’ll react.

Agree with you, OP. He’s 40, hasn’t slept with any of these women but wants to end things in person? This only makes sense if he’s trying keeping his options open.

[Anonymous]

He's lying obviously. He probably has longstanding plans with them that include sex and he doesn't intend to break them, whether you're exclusive or not. And his comment about being punished for being transparent is a ruse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's lying obviously. He probably has longstanding plans with them that include sex and he doesn't intend to break them, whether you're exclusive or not. And his comment about being punished for being transparent is a ruse.

OP: unfortunately, I do wonder about this. I have kind of a queasy feeling in my stomach and don’t really trust him. Regardless if I’m right or wrong, I know lack of trust isn’t a great way to start a committed relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a female reading this thread, I cannot imagine why guys want to put up with this kind of nonsense from women. We are EXHAUSTING!

Right?! I am a woman who is not like this, and the guys I date are always waiting for me to bust out some drama but I never do and they can’t handle it. Lol

+1. The OP is why men think women are crazy. In this case, they would be right. He is saying he wants exclusvity with her but needs to take care of something first. He is being honest. She is being a dingbat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's lying obviously. He probably has longstanding plans with them that include sex and he doesn't intend to break them, whether you're exclusive or not. And his comment about being punished for being transparent is a ruse.

OP: unfortunately, I do wonder about this. I have kind of a queasy feeling in my stomach and don’t really trust him. Regardless if I’m right or wrong, I know lack of trust isn’t a great way to start a committed relationship.

Right, move on from this guy. He's a wannabe player and he messed up addressing this with you at all. You caught it.

[Anonymous]

OP it makes no sense to me that you would be worried he’s going to have sex with these women or something (?), when if you haven’t been exclusive hes likely been doing that the whole 3 months?

And if he hasn’t been sleeping with them too all this time, why would he suddenly just have sex with them right before being exclusive with you (someone he’s already had sex with)?

Your concern seems illogical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's lying obviously. He probably has longstanding plans with them that include sex and he doesn't intend to break them, whether you're exclusive or not. And his comment about being punished for being transparent is a ruse.

OP: unfortunately, I do wonder about this. I have kind of a queasy feeling in my stomach and don’t really trust him. Regardless if I’m right or wrong, I know lack of trust isn’t a great way to start a committed relationship.

Perhaps this isn’t really about this guy OP, but your inability to trust.