Guy I'm dating says he needs time to "wrap things up" before we start our relatioship- what to do?

[Anonymous]

He's been seeing them presumably with the same terms he's been seeing you. It seems weird that he needs to wait to say yes to you until he's told them that he's not interested in continuing the relationship. Why cannot he be in a relationship with you effective when you guys decided to be in a relationship, and then end his involvement with these other women platonically? Is he planning to interact romantically or sexually with them prior to breaking up with them or something, such that he needs to be permitted to put your relationship on hold so he's not "cheating"?

[Anonymous]

When you say "exclusive" -- do you mean he's not sleeping with anyone else? That he needs 7-10 days to commit to that? If so, that's really weird IMO. If he was really into you, he'd drop everything and commit to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:he’s a cake eater.

If he was really into you he’d be done with other people immediately. Delete the apps; delete the profiles; send an email or text to his other women and say he’s off the market.

Don’t make someone who considers you an option your priority.

THIS right here....!!!!

As long as you don't get mad when a guy dumps you by text. Because you're saying these women don't deserve even a phone call (although OP just thinks they don't deserve an in-person conversation). Make sure you don't have a double standard about what you deserve and what everyone else does.

NP - I'd rather have a text! Why would I want a sit down conversation and have to sit through someone breaking up with me that I was casually dating non-exclusively? Sure, if we were monogamous for a long time/married/something serious, then yes, sit down. Otherwise, don't waste my time and just text or call me. I don't need an in-person breakup with a nonexclusive dating situation. That's over the top IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you say "exclusive" -- do you mean he's not sleeping with anyone else? That he needs 7-10 days to commit to that? If so, that's really weird IMO. If he was really into you, he'd drop everything and commit to you.

OP actually said "We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend." If he's currently dating other women I can see not feeling comfortable calling himself "Larla's boyfriend" until those other women know he's not going to see them anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say "exclusive" -- do you mean he's not sleeping with anyone else? That he needs 7-10 days to commit to that? If so, that's really weird IMO. If he was really into you, he'd drop everything and commit to you.

OP actually said "We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend." If he's currently dating other women I can see not feeling comfortable calling himself "Larla's boyfriend" until those other women know he's not going to see them anymore.

But WHY? That's what I don't understand. He's been seeing multiple women. At some point, he was going to pick one of them and stop seeing the others. Is the idea that he needs some kind of fast or clean slate with every single woman he's been dating before he can commit to his relationship with the OP? I get that there would be some awkwardness at the beginning of these breakup dates he has planned where the women think it's a romantic date and maybe kiss him and then he breaks up with them. There's no way for those conversations to not be awkward on some level. But that doesn't mean that he should be able to just go to them, kiss back, pretend it's a date, and then end things with them at some point before calling it a night. He can commit to OP now and tell the women that he's not available anymore. It doesn't have to go the opposite way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say "exclusive" -- do you mean he's not sleeping with anyone else? That he needs 7-10 days to commit to that? If so, that's really weird IMO. If he was really into you, he'd drop everything and commit to you.

OP actually said "We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend." If he's currently dating other women I can see not feeling comfortable calling himself "Larla's boyfriend" until those other women know he's not going to see them anymore.

But WHY? That's what I don't understand. He's been seeing multiple women. At some point, he was going to pick one of them and stop seeing the others. Is the idea that he needs some kind of fast or clean slate with every single woman he's been dating before he can commit to his relationship with the OP? I get that there would be some awkwardness at the beginning of these breakup dates he has planned where the women think it's a romantic date and maybe kiss him and then he breaks up with them. There's no way for those conversations to not be awkward on some level. But that doesn't mean that he should be able to just go to them, kiss back, pretend it's a date, and then end things with them at some point before calling it a night. He can commit to OP now and tell the women that he's not available anymore. It doesn't have to go the opposite way.

Literally the only thing we know about this guy is that he's honest to a fault, so this is a leap. WHY I wouldn't want to call myself Larla's boyfriend while two other women think I'm seeing them is extremely obvious to me, but everything about this thread has been educational in terms of what other people think is an okay way to behave. Break up by text or you're a dog!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say "exclusive" -- do you mean he's not sleeping with anyone else? That he needs 7-10 days to commit to that? If so, that's really weird IMO. If he was really into you, he'd drop everything and commit to you.

OP actually said "We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend." If he's currently dating other women I can see not feeling comfortable calling himself "Larla's boyfriend" until those other women know he's not going to see them anymore.

PP here. I get that maybe he doesn't want to tell the world about Bf/GF status. But why isn't he telling her he's not going to be physically intimate with these other women RIGHT NOW. I can see saying that he wants to have break up conversations, but why does that need 7-10 days to be exclusive? Maybe I am thinking of exclusivity the wrong way, but it means monogamous to me.

[Anonymous]

There is one he likes just a bit more than you. He wants to see if he can get her to be exclusive with him first, before committing with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:he’s a cake eater.

If he was really into you he’d be done with other people immediately. Delete the apps; delete the profiles; send an email or text to his other women and say he’s off the market.

Don’t make someone who considers you an option your priority.

THIS right here....!!!!

As long as you don't get mad when a guy dumps you by text. Because you're saying these women don't deserve even a phone call (although OP just thinks they don't deserve an in-person conversation). Make sure you don't have a double standard about what you deserve and what everyone else does.

NP - I'd rather have a text! Why would I want a sit down conversation and have to sit through someone breaking up with me that I was casually dating non-exclusively? Sure, if we were monogamous for a long time/married/something serious, then yes, sit down. Otherwise, don't waste my time and just text or call me. I don't need an in-person breakup with a nonexclusive dating situation. That's over the top IMO.

I agree with this. I'd prefer a text or a phone call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say "exclusive" -- do you mean he's not sleeping with anyone else? That he needs 7-10 days to commit to that? If so, that's really weird IMO. If he was really into you, he'd drop everything and commit to you.

OP actually said "We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend." If he's currently dating other women I can see not feeling comfortable calling himself "Larla's boyfriend" until those other women know he's not going to see them anymore.

But WHY? That's what I don't understand. He's been seeing multiple women. At some point, he was going to pick one of them and stop seeing the others. Is the idea that he needs some kind of fast or clean slate with every single woman he's been dating before he can commit to his relationship with the OP? I get that there would be some awkwardness at the beginning of these breakup dates he has planned where the women think it's a romantic date and maybe kiss him and then he breaks up with them. There's no way for those conversations to not be awkward on some level. But that doesn't mean that he should be able to just go to them, kiss back, pretend it's a date, and then end things with them at some point before calling it a night. He can commit to OP now and tell the women that he's not available anymore. It doesn't have to go the opposite way.

Literally the only thing we know about this guy is that he's honest to a fault, so this is a leap. WHY I wouldn't want to call myself Larla's boyfriend while two other women think I'm seeing them is extremely obvious to me, but everything about this thread has been educational in terms of what other people think is an okay way to behave. Break up by text or you're a dog!

DP here. That's a bit dramatic. Not everyone needs or wants a sit down break up for a non-monogamous, non-exclusive relationship. It seems a bit needy to me IMO, and it's not something I'd need for myself if I were those women. I certainly don't want to be ghosted, but I don't need a face to face reconciliation for a casual dating situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say "exclusive" -- do you mean he's not sleeping with anyone else? That he needs 7-10 days to commit to that? If so, that's really weird IMO. If he was really into you, he'd drop everything and commit to you.

OP actually said "We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend." If he's currently dating other women I can see not feeling comfortable calling himself "Larla's boyfriend" until those other women know he's not going to see them anymore.

PP here. I get that maybe he doesn't want to tell the world about Bf/GF status. But why isn't he telling her he's not going to be physically intimate with these other women RIGHT NOW. I can see saying that he wants to have break up conversations, but why does that need 7-10 days to be exclusive? Maybe I am thinking of exclusivity the wrong way, but it means monogamous to me.

This. Maybe the conversation is not being presented well by OP. Maybe what she is actually upset about is that it will take so long. Maybe what she is being asked is not to update her relationship status and tell all her friends that they're exclusive for the 7-10 days it will take him to tell other people directly so they don't find out on social media. Either way, it is reasonable to expect a person to behave as though they are exclusive before they start telling the world about the relationship. In OP's position, I would only be comfortable with the in person delayed breakups if he committed to a monogamous relationship with me effective immediately. If he is trying to keep open the door for some breakup sex with other people before committing to me, he is not ready for a relationship and I'm not interested in sticking around to help him work it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's been seeing them presumably with the same terms he's been seeing you. It seems weird that he needs to wait to say yes to you until he's told them that he's not interested in continuing the relationship. Why cannot he be in a relationship with you effective when you guys decided to be in a relationship, and then end his involvement with these other women platonically? Is he planning to interact romantically or sexually with them prior to breaking up with them or something, such that he needs to be permitted to put your relationship on hold so he's not "cheating"?

I read it as he IS saying yes to her, but giving her a heads-up that he's going to need some time to communicate that to these other women. So perhaps he doesn't want to say he's her boyfriend until he's officially broken up with these other women, which seems fairly decent to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is one he likes just a bit more than you. He wants to see if he can get her to be exclusive with him first, before committing with you.

I mean, even if that's true, don't you want him to have that conversation and figure out what he wants. Personally, I don't want someone to be with me because I pressured them, I want them to decide freely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say "exclusive" -- do you mean he's not sleeping with anyone else? That he needs 7-10 days to commit to that? If so, that's really weird IMO. If he was really into you, he'd drop everything and commit to you.

OP actually said "We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend." If he's currently dating other women I can see not feeling comfortable calling himself "Larla's boyfriend" until those other women know he's not going to see them anymore.

But WHY? That's what I don't understand. He's been seeing multiple women. At some point, he was going to pick one of them and stop seeing the others. Is the idea that he needs some kind of fast or clean slate with every single woman he's been dating before he can commit to his relationship with the OP? I get that there would be some awkwardness at the beginning of these breakup dates he has planned where the women think it's a romantic date and maybe kiss him and then he breaks up with them. There's no way for those conversations to not be awkward on some level. But that doesn't mean that he should be able to just go to them, kiss back, pretend it's a date, and then end things with them at some point before calling it a night. He can commit to OP now and tell the women that he's not available anymore. It doesn't have to go the opposite way.

Literally the only thing we know about this guy is that he's honest to a fault, so this is a leap. WHY I wouldn't want to call myself Larla's boyfriend while two other women think I'm seeing them is extremely obvious to me, but everything about this thread has been educational in terms of what other people think is an okay way to behave. Break up by text or you're a dog!

DP here. That's a bit dramatic. Not everyone needs or wants a sit down break up for a non-monogamous, non-exclusive relationship. It seems a bit needy to me IMO, and it's not something I'd need for myself if I were those women. I certainly don't want to be ghosted, but I don't need a face to face reconciliation for a casual dating situation.

It's not dramatic at all. A third of the comments here are saying that since he won't break up with them by text, he's clearly pulling a fast one on OP and planning to sleep with them, or planning to pretend to keep dating them for another shot at sex before dumping them. Just because you can break up with someone by text doesn't mean that doing it face to face is a ruse so you can cheat on everyone at once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say "exclusive" -- do you mean he's not sleeping with anyone else? That he needs 7-10 days to commit to that? If so, that's really weird IMO. If he was really into you, he'd drop everything and commit to you.

OP actually said "We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend." If he's currently dating other women I can see not feeling comfortable calling himself "Larla's boyfriend" until those other women know he's not going to see them anymore.

PP here. I get that maybe he doesn't want to tell the world about Bf/GF status. But why isn't he telling her he's not going to be physically intimate with these other women RIGHT NOW. I can see saying that he wants to have break up conversations, but why does that need 7-10 days to be exclusive? Maybe I am thinking of exclusivity the wrong way, but it means monogamous to me.

This. Maybe the conversation is not being presented well by OP. Maybe what she is actually upset about is that it will take so long. Maybe what she is being asked is not to update her relationship status and tell all her friends that they're exclusive for the 7-10 days it will take him to tell other people directly so they don't find out on social media. Either way, it is reasonable to expect a person to behave as though they are exclusive before they start telling the world about the relationship. In OP's position, I would only be comfortable with the in person delayed breakups if he committed to a monogamous relationship with me effective immediately. If he is trying to keep open the door for some breakup sex with other people before committing to me, he is not ready for a relationship and I'm not interested in sticking around to help him work it out.

This. I don't read him as having said that he intends to sleep with these women during the 7-10 days, more like he doesn't want it to be "official" (meaning public) until he's had a chance to wrap things up with them. If he's saying he might sleep with them during that time, I wouldn't be okay with that, but that's a odd interpretation of the post, to me.