I want a month break from spouse. How to approach?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is a stay at home parent. Doesn't work.

Then you need to grow up and address the issues. Get counseling, but you don't get to go MIA because boo hoo you need a break.

FYI being a SAH can be WAY more difficult than time in the office.

LOL you suck at parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is a stay at home parent. Doesn't work.

Then you need to grow up and address the issues. Get counseling, but you don't get to go MIA because boo hoo you need a break.

FYI being a SAH can be WAY more difficult than time in the office.

LOL you suck at parenting.

NP. I am soooo curious about your background. What kind of life have you had that you can’t imagine that going to an office for eight hours might be harder than taking care of an infant and a toddler during that time?

[Anonymous]

Any spouse can opt for a separation or divorce at any time, for any reason. When children are involved, we all hope those are good reasons, of course.

Like the OP, we have a vacation home. I'm a SAHM (who, incidentally, has been cheated on . . . the vacation home was actually purchased in the wake of discovering the affair, clearly in part to prove my spouse's commitment to our future). I'm not going to judge you for your family arrangements or second home.

But I will say that I hope your child is a priority for you and that a month away from your child, however independent they are, gives you pause. I'm the one who stays home but my husband cherishes his time with the kids. He's a sappy mess when he has to travel for work. Don't you think you would miss your child, and more importantly, don't you worry that your child would miss you?

COVID has been hard on all of us. At the start of quarantine/work from home, my extroverted spouse felt a little stir crazy in our house. He started going to the second home one night a week, then I'd come with the kids the next day for the weekend. But eventually I realized, what is good for the goose is good for the gander . . . just because I'm a SAHM doesn't mean that I'm not a human who needs alone time too (which was suddenly gone with the kids home all the time). So then we arranged it so that he would go Thursday night, we'd come Friday, and I'd go home Sunday without them for a night to myself, with him following with the kids on Monday. Even if you are planning to divorce, which, again, is your right, you should want to have a fair co-parenting relationship, which means sharing the joys and responsibilities of time with your kid. You want a separation, fine. You have a second home and don't need to rent an apartment, fine. But don't propose leaving everything on your spouse's plate for a whole month. Because, yes, doing it that way IS abandoning your responsibilities unless it's what your spouse asks for. Who knows, maybe the idea of hanging with a fun, independent 9 year old without you around is all your spouse wants. But you don't know until you ask, and you need to be willing to split the joys and the responsibilities more evenly. Maybe your spouse would prefer to pay for an apartment so that you are nearby. You don't know until you ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is a stay at home parent. Doesn't work.

Then you need to grow up and address the issues. Get counseling, but you don't get to go MIA because boo hoo you need a break.

FYI being a SAH can be WAY more difficult than time in the office.

LOL you suck at parenting.

NP. I am soooo curious about your background. What kind of life have you had that you can’t imagine that going to an office for eight hours might be harder than taking care of an infant and a toddler during that time?

Seriously? Going to an office where you are surrounded by adults, many of whom are capable of intelligent conversation, is in no way harder than caring for an infant and/or toddler. It’s difficult to imagine how anyone can actually think that It is harder to be in an office. Many a SAHP would love to get a day in an office where one is treated with respect and has relative control over one’s workday.

[Anonymous]

OP, with all due respect leaving for a month will negatively impact your son.

Yes he may well be “independent,” but he still needs his Mother.
Trust me.

It would be wrong to abandon your child too just because you have marital issues w/your spouse.
Do you think things will really be different upon your return??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is a stay at home parent. Doesn't work.

Then you need to grow up and address the issues. Get counseling, but you don't get to go MIA because boo hoo you need a break.

FYI being a SAH can be WAY more difficult than time in the office.

LOL you suck at parenting.

NP. I am soooo curious about your background. What kind of life have you had that you can’t imagine that going to an office for eight hours might be harder than taking care of an infant and a toddler during that time?

Hi I’ve done both. Office is way, WAY easier, especially at senior levels. Someone else does the petty administrative nonsense for me like scheduling and ordering food, which I did for myself when I was home. I spend my time thinking and writing and talking to brilliant people rather than chasing an adorable but irrational toddler.

Here’s how you know the office is easier: men have controlled all the levers of power in our society for hundreds of years, and very few men, even independently wealthy ones, choose to spend their time chasing toddlers around all day.

[Anonymous]

Call me co-dependent, but my spouse of 25 years and I have never needed vacation or extended time apart from one another.

Both of us away from the kids— yes. But we used to just do 24 hours once a month when they slept over at the grandparents.

If we get time off from work or are going somewhere we want to do it together.

[Anonymous]

I think the original post may have been written by my spouses in my voice. I have a 9 yo son, a vacation house an hour away and I have asked for alone time to determine whether this marriage is the right one. I've been deeply unhappy for many many years. The attempts to discuss my unhappiness have been met with anger and accusations that the problems originate with me. It is not a healthy or loving marriage. That's not good for either spouse and it's not good for our son. Two unhappy parents together does not mean a better life for a child who can have two happy parents that are not together. I WANT to spend time with my son during this time. I have OFFERED the SAHM space/time/swapping "you check into a hotel go to vacation house etc). We are in different places. But to assume someone is a bad parent because they need space isn't the whole story. I think if any parent or person identifies the need to retreat and reflect and come back a better person, that's their reality and there is a way to stay connected to children to smooth a confusing time out for them as well. Provided BOTH parents want that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the original post may have been written by my spouses in my voice. I have a 9 yo son, a vacation house an hour away and I have asked for alone time to determine whether this marriage is the right one. I've been deeply unhappy for many many years. The attempts to discuss my unhappiness have been met with anger and accusations that the problems originate with me. It is not a healthy or loving marriage. That's not good for either spouse and it's not good for our son. Two unhappy parents together does not mean a better life for a child who can have two happy parents that are not together. I WANT to spend time with my son during this time. I have OFFERED the SAHM space/time/swapping "you check into a hotel go to vacation house etc). We are in different places. But to assume someone is a bad parent because they need space isn't the whole story. I think if any parent or person identifies the need to retreat and reflect and come back a better person, that's their reality and there is a way to stay connected to children to smooth a confusing time out for them as well. Provided BOTH parents want that.

Get a counselor involved to mediate and hammer out a temporary agreement for a month’s break from each other. It’s obviously a dysfunctional situation with a lot of baggage and power struggles thrown in. But you probably aren’t in a place where you can work it out together without help. (By work it out, I don’t mean reconcile, but come to a reasonable agreement that fits both parties.) Your spouse may feel that you always walk away and don’t take responsibility for the relationship or family. In that case I can see why your proposal would strike a nerve. It is difficult to figure these things out in the middle of a fight. Sit down with a counselor and make an agreement that suits both. For the sake of your son, the divorce — if there is one — needs to be cordial and not hostile. So you need to deal with this regardless of the path ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the original post may have been written by my spouses in my voice. I have a 9 yo son, a vacation house an hour away and I have asked for alone time to determine whether this marriage is the right one. I've been deeply unhappy for many many years. The attempts to discuss my unhappiness have been met with anger and accusations that the problems originate with me. It is not a healthy or loving marriage. That's not good for either spouse and it's not good for our son. Two unhappy parents together does not mean a better life for a child who can have two happy parents that are not together. I WANT to spend time with my son during this time. I have OFFERED the SAHM space/time/swapping "you check into a hotel go to vacation house etc). We are in different places. But to assume someone is a bad parent because they need space isn't the whole story. I think if any parent or person identifies the need to retreat and reflect and come back a better person, that's their reality and there is a way to stay connected to children to smooth a confusing time out for them as well. Provided BOTH parents want that.

Get a counselor involved to mediate and hammer out a temporary agreement for a month’s break from each other. It’s obviously a dysfunctional situation with a lot of baggage and power struggles thrown in. But you probably aren’t in a place where you can work it out together without help. (By work it out, I don’t mean reconcile, but come to a reasonable agreement that fits both parties.) Your spouse may feel that you always walk away and don’t take responsibility for the relationship or family. In that case I can see why your proposal would strike a nerve. It is difficult to figure these things out in the middle of a fight. Sit down with a counselor and make an agreement that suits both. For the sake of your son, the divorce — if there is one — needs to be cordial and not hostile. So you need to deal with this regardless of the path ahead.

we have been in heavy counseling and have had a million conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the original post may have been written by my spouses in my voice. I have a 9 yo son, a vacation house an hour away and I have asked for alone time to determine whether this marriage is the right one. I've been deeply unhappy for many many years. The attempts to discuss my unhappiness have been met with anger and accusations that the problems originate with me. It is not a healthy or loving marriage. That's not good for either spouse and it's not good for our son. Two unhappy parents together does not mean a better life for a child who can have two happy parents that are not together. I WANT to spend time with my son during this time. I have OFFERED the SAHM space/time/swapping "you check into a hotel go to vacation house etc). We are in different places. But to assume someone is a bad parent because they need space isn't the whole story. I think if any parent or person identifies the need to retreat and reflect and come back a better person, that's their reality and there is a way to stay connected to children to smooth a confusing time out for them as well. Provided BOTH parents want that.

You want to “spend time with your son” but who do you think is going to day in and day out care for your son? That’s what makes you a bad parent— you want to drop everything on your spouse while you “retreat and reflect” on something, but apparently not on how you can be a better husband and father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the original post may have been written by my spouses in my voice. I have a 9 yo son, a vacation house an hour away and I have asked for alone time to determine whether this marriage is the right one. I've been deeply unhappy for many many years. The attempts to discuss my unhappiness have been met with anger and accusations that the problems originate with me. It is not a healthy or loving marriage. That's not good for either spouse and it's not good for our son. Two unhappy parents together does not mean a better life for a child who can have two happy parents that are not together. I WANT to spend time with my son during this time. I have OFFERED the SAHM space/time/swapping "you check into a hotel go to vacation house etc). We are in different places. But to assume someone is a bad parent because they need space isn't the whole story. I think if any parent or person identifies the need to retreat and reflect and come back a better person, that's their reality and there is a way to stay connected to children to smooth a confusing time out for them as well. Provided BOTH parents want that.

Get a counselor involved to mediate and hammer out a temporary agreement for a month’s break from each other. It’s obviously a dysfunctional situation with a lot of baggage and power struggles thrown in. But you probably aren’t in a place where you can work it out together without help. (By work it out, I don’t mean reconcile, but come to a reasonable agreement that fits both parties.) Your spouse may feel that you always walk away and don’t take responsibility for the relationship or family. In that case I can see why your proposal would strike a nerve. It is difficult to figure these things out in the middle of a fight. Sit down with a counselor and make an agreement that suits both. For the sake of your son, the divorce — if there is one — needs to be cordial and not hostile. So you need to deal with this regardless of the path ahead.

we have been in heavy counseling and have had a million conversations.

What’s stopping you guys from filing for divorce then?

[Anonymous]

Very very telling op inserted “independent” as a descriptor for the child. All the better to flee for a month, no? “My child is very independent! My child won’t miss me if I abandon them for a month to indulge my entitlement fantasies.”

op is pulling out all the stops to seem rational and logical. Actually, you are a jerk. I hope your spouse files and gets everything they are entitled to. And marries a person who will care about them and your child.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is being unfairly battered. It’s fine to fantasize about time away and take time for oneself. A month is long but OP is not evil. PPs are falling into the trope of that mothers must be good, virtuous, and present 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, with all due respect leaving for a month will negatively impact your son.

Yes he may well be “independent,” but he still needs his Mother.
Trust me.

It would be wrong to abandon your child too just because you have marital issues w/your spouse.
Do you think things will really be different upon your return??

Why is everyone assuming OP is a mom? They never said, did they? I’m guessing OP is a dad. I know some SAHDs, and their working wives contribute MUCH more to childcare than the straight working dads I know.