Is our 23 y/o daughter being used and led on by her 23 y/o medical student boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask your daughter. We do NOT know.

If your daughter is naive and easily taken, then I hope she is asking him good questions along the way and to herself.

Luckily she’s quite young and maybe hasn’t had her heart broken yet. Just listen and ponder questions aloud, maybe she’ll think about them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very weird you’re so fixated on her having sex. She’s 23 with a career, not a child. And guess what, she probably quite enjoys having sex with him.

Maybe he is using her, maybe he isn’t. Early 20s are for going through those experiences and figuring things out. MYOB and let her live her life.

this

she could be using him, too
maybe after med school, they get married
you need to let go

Either way she’s paying the $400k of med students loans for him. Plus the flights.

Hopefully they aren’t shying away from talking about goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not entirely cynical, I know one example of this dynamic working and they did marry. However, they were only about 1 hour apart after college, not 1,000 miles. And the medical student (female) seemed to visit her college boyfriend just as much as he visited her.

If he is living on loans, he may not be able to fly to her

His family is well off.

Unless that’s quantified we don’t know what that means. Good income, huge wealth accumulated, trust funds and family offices, art collectors on the side?

Now that I think about it. I don’t know many wealthy people who went through med school and a couple residences. Just MC and UMC. Over half had a parent that was a doctor or surgeon too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They met during college, we met him, the whole nine. Nice boy, handsome, charming, good family. She began her career this last year, he is a first year medical student at a state university about 1,000 miles away from the major city she works in. She flies out to see him on some weekends, which of course means having sex with him. Our daughter is cute and very sweet, often to a fault, and she is not dating or talking to any other young men where she lives. I hate to be cynical but is she supposed to carry this on for four years? In other words, waste her prime being a fly-in booty call hoping this young doctor doesn't meet someone else at his large state university?

Young college graduates seem to think differently about long distance relationship. Covid probably contributed to it as well - it is harder to meet new people. I know 4 long distance couples among DC's small group of friends: DC - Boston, DC - UK, DC - Vietnam, Cleveland - Boston. It has been 2 years since they left college and they are still together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post does seem odd OP. If all a guy wanted was sex, he could go to any bar + tell people he was in med school. You have to have more faith in your dd and back off. What will be--- will be.

But with OP's daughter, he does not have to go to the bar. She comes to him. See how much easier it is for him?

But her daughter could also just go to any bar and get sex, without spending any money or traveling. It goes both ways. What if maybe, just maybe. it's not about sex?!

It doesn't go both ways because her daughter is the one putting in all the work. She is traveling on her time and dime to him. It's more convenient for him that it is for her.
It's easy to see how he can just keep this thing going even if he doesn't think it will work out down the road. He has nothing to lose.

Stop acting like women are at the mercy of men. And too dumb to realize he’s treating her as a FB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was going to be about her supporting him, and being worried about him dumping her after he finished school/residency (which happened to a family member). But it's about her . . . having sex with him? Your alternative is for them to break up because . . . he is in medical school? Generations of mothers just gave you the side eye.

No, you're right, that is the concern. She's being used as a booty call until he inevitably meets someone at his large university, whether that's soon or 3 or 4 years from now and he only reveals it when he dashes off to a residency.

You know he could probably find a more convenient booty call if he wanted to, right? One that lives in town. And he could always meet someone else, even if your daughter moved there and moved in.

OP, if you have concerns, you can express them gently, once. Ask her if she’s happy in the relationship and getting her needs met (and no, I’m not talking about sex). Tell her you feel the effort to keep the relationship going seems to be one sided and you don’t want to see her get hurt. She can take your feelings into consideration, or not.

But be careful in how you voice the concerns and be aware she may share the conversation with the boyfriend. If they do stay together and marry, you may forget, but he may not. I will never have anything more than a civil/polite relationship with my in laws because of crappy things they said about my character when my now husband and I were dating in our twenties.

More convenient than a pretty young woman who lives 1,000 miles away flying to him, paying for the flights, having sex for a couple of days, and then flying away? No, it actually does not get any more convenient than that.

Yes, actually, it does. A pretty young woman in his program or who lives in his building who stops by multiple times a week for sex for which he does not have to wait weeks or months.

[Anonymous]

All I know is doctors are players. He is probably sleeping with other med students on the side

[Anonymous]

she's 23. she is not being led on or used by her BF. she has agency and she can decide what she wants to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I know is doctors are players. He is probably sleeping with other med students on the side

and you know enough cheating doctors so that your statement is backed up by a material and representative sample to draw such a firm conclusion?

[Anonymous]

My DD is in the same position. They met in college. He’s in law school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post does seem odd OP. If all a guy wanted was sex, he could go to any bar + tell people he was in med school. You have to have more faith in your dd and back off. What will be--- will be.

But with OP's daughter, he does not have to go to the bar. She comes to him. See how much easier it is for him?

But her daughter could also just go to any bar and get sex, without spending any money or traveling. It goes both ways. What if maybe, just maybe. it's not about sex?!

It doesn't go both ways because her daughter is the one putting in all the work. She is traveling on her time and dime to him. It's more convenient for him that it is for her.
It's easy to see how he can just keep this thing going even if he doesn't think it will work out down the road. He has nothing to lose.

Stop acting like women are at the mercy of men. And too dumb to realize he’s treating her as a FB.

You are the one making generalizations.

I don't know any woman who will agree to this sort of relationship.

This particular relationship as described by OP seems one sided.

[Anonymous]

“waste her prime”?

OP’s mother-of-the-year award may be in some jeopardy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was going to be about her supporting him, and being worried about him dumping her after he finished school/residency (which happened to a family member). But it's about her . . . having sex with him? Your alternative is for them to break up because . . . he is in medical school? Generations of mothers just gave you the side eye.

No, you're right, that is the concern. She's being used as a booty call until he inevitably meets someone at his large university, whether that's soon or 3 or 4 years from now and he only reveals it when he dashes off to a residency.

You know he could probably find a more convenient booty call if he wanted to, right? One that lives in town. And he could always meet someone else, even if your daughter moved there and moved in.

OP, if you have concerns, you can express them gently, once. Ask her if she’s happy in the relationship and getting her needs met (and no, I’m not talking about sex). Tell her you feel the effort to keep the relationship going seems to be one sided and you don’t want to see her get hurt. She can take your feelings into consideration, or not.

But be careful in how you voice the concerns and be aware she may share the conversation with the boyfriend. If they do stay together and marry, you may forget, but he may not. I will never have anything more than a civil/polite relationship with my in laws because of crappy things they said about my character when my now husband and I were dating in our twenties.

More convenient than a pretty young woman who lives 1,000 miles away flying to him, paying for the flights, having sex for a couple of days, and then flying away? No, it actually does not get any more convenient than that.

Yes, actually, it does. A pretty young woman in his program or who lives in his building who stops by multiple times a week for sex for which he does not have to wait weeks or months.

This. I went to law school and this happened with multiple guys in my class who had long distance girlfriends.

[Anonymous]

he probably pays for sex.

[Anonymous]

And even if this whole relationship is a waste of time? You can't do anything about it. They're young... in love. Let her live her life.