Is our 23 y/o daughter being used and led on by her 23 y/o medical student boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

It's her life, the odds they stay together are slim though. If they break up, she will be mid 20s, still prime dating years. I'd offer different advice if she were 29 now

[Anonymous]

Eh, she will learn OP. I did. If they are splitting the cost and visiting each other it's probably ok, but if she is the one always visiting him, eventually he will do or say something that makes her rethink all of this.

I did this and it was a learning experience. The next guy I dated was the one, and we are still married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was going to be about her supporting him, and being worried about him dumping her after he finished school/residency (which happened to a family member). But it's about her . . . having sex with him? Your alternative is for them to break up because . . . he is in medical school? Generations of mothers just gave you the side eye.

No, you're right, that is the concern. She's being used as a booty call until he inevitably meets someone at his large university, whether that's soon or 3 or 4 years from now and he only reveals it when he dashes off to a residency.

You know he could probably find a more convenient booty call if he wanted to, right? One that lives in town. And he could always meet someone else, even if your daughter moved there and moved in.

OP, if you have concerns, you can express them gently, once. Ask her if she’s happy in the relationship and getting her needs met (and no, I’m not talking about sex). Tell her you feel the effort to keep the relationship going seems to be one sided and you don’t want to see her get hurt. She can take your feelings into consideration, or not.

But be careful in how you voice the concerns and be aware she may share the conversation with the boyfriend. If they do stay together and marry, you may forget, but he may not. I will never have anything more than a civil/polite relationship with my in laws because of crappy things they said about my character when my now husband and I were dating in our twenties.

More convenient than a pretty young woman who lives 1,000 miles away flying to him, paying for the flights, having sex for a couple of days, and then flying away? No, it actually does not get any more convenient than that.

Yes, actually, it does. A pretty young woman in his program or who lives in his building who stops by multiple times a week for sex for which he does not have to wait weeks or months.

A graduate school classmate is not convenient per se. A classmate can be overbearing, stoke social circle drama, eventually they'll want dinners, entertainment and to be your date at school events, they'll get possessive and jealous, they'll seek more and more of your time. While a naive fly in long distance girlfriend nets you all of the perks (sex) with none of those responsibilities, costs, or risks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“waste her prime”?

OP’s mother-of-the-year award may be in some jeopardy.

It is her prime for fertility if daughter wants children.

[Anonymous]

Medical school men are largely ugly dorks. If this young man is attractive and rich, I would bet any amount of money he's a playboy. An attractive rich confident guy in medical school is going to have all of his female classmates obsessed with him, plus all the cute pre-med undergrads he will come in contact with who volunteer and work at the hospital and medical school will be throwing themselves at him. The undergrads especially will idolize him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“waste her prime”?

OP’s mother-of-the-year award may be in some jeopardy.

It is her prime for fertility if daughter wants children.

IVF hotbed DCUM pretends it's "normal" to wait until you're 35 to get married (when you're desperate and there are very few qualified bachelors available) and 40 to have your first test tube baby. Even aside from fertility, the dating scene from early / mid 20s compared to late 20s / early 30s is night and day. Early and mid 20s is when you want to meet your spouse, at no time in life is it easier and are there more options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was going to be about her supporting him, and being worried about him dumping her after he finished school/residency (which happened to a family member). But it's about her . . . having sex with him? Your alternative is for them to break up because . . . he is in medical school? Generations of mothers just gave you the side eye.

No, you're right, that is the concern. She's being used as a booty call until he inevitably meets someone at his large university, whether that's soon or 3 or 4 years from now and he only reveals it when he dashes off to a residency.

You know he could probably find a more convenient booty call if he wanted to, right? One that lives in town. And he could always meet someone else, even if your daughter moved there and moved in.

OP, if you have concerns, you can express them gently, once. Ask her if she’s happy in the relationship and getting her needs met (and no, I’m not talking about sex). Tell her you feel the effort to keep the relationship going seems to be one sided and you don’t want to see her get hurt. She can take your feelings into consideration, or not.

But be careful in how you voice the concerns and be aware she may share the conversation with the boyfriend. If they do stay together and marry, you may forget, but he may not. I will never have anything more than a civil/polite relationship with my in laws because of crappy things they said about my character when my now husband and I were dating in our twenties.

More convenient than a pretty young woman who lives 1,000 miles away flying to him, paying for the flights, having sex for a couple of days, and then flying away? No, it actually does not get any more convenient than that.

Yes, actually, it does. A pretty young woman in his program or who lives in his building who stops by multiple times a week for sex for which he does not have to wait weeks or months.

A graduate school classmate is not convenient per se. A classmate can be overbearing, stoke social circle drama, eventually they'll want dinners, entertainment and to be your date at school events, they'll get possessive and jealous, they'll seek more and more of your time. While a naive fly in long distance girlfriend nets you all of the perks (sex) with none of those responsibilities, costs, or risks.

But he's at a large state school. Could be anyone,doesn't have to be someone in his class. Could be someone in the building, a junior in the business school, whatever. OP's daughter is making her own choices, nobody is forcing her. You're all conjecturing that he's using her for sex, which is absurd. Nobody knows anything, and OP really ought to just butt out. I'd have been pissed if my mother suggeted I was being used by a boyfriend--probably would just not tell her anymore if I was going to see him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Medical school men are largely ugly dorks. If this young man is attractive and rich, I would bet any amount of money he's a playboy. An attractive rich confident guy in medical school is going to have all of his female classmates obsessed with him, plus all the cute pre-med undergrads he will come in contact with who volunteer and work at the hospital and medical school will be throwing themselves at him. The undergrads especially will idolize him.

Nephew is a young doctor. Handsome 30-something now, but 15 years ago he was a stereotypical fraternity boy Lothario in college. He was screwing around on his long-time college girlfriend while he was away at medical school, but he actually still married her after he graduated. Unsure if his wife was ever privy to his cheating, or if they took "breaks," or maybe she just didn't care because she wanted to marry a doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be more concerned about the money she is pouring into this for flights than the sex. That is very young to meet your forever person.

If financially independent, the money isn't Mom's business, either.

I met my "forever person" (really? I'm not a rescue pit bull) at 23, by the way.

Then I'm sure you're well aware that it's unusual.

No it’s not most people meet their forever person before they are 25.

Well…most people meet their first spouse before 25, perhaps. Forever is a long time, especially if you start that young.

Most people DO NOT meet their spouse before 25.

Sure they do. You’re just in an UMC bubble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was going to be about her supporting him, and being worried about him dumping her after he finished school/residency (which happened to a family member). But it's about her . . . having sex with him? Your alternative is for them to break up because . . . he is in medical school? Generations of mothers just gave you the side eye.

No, you're right, that is the concern. She's being used as a booty call until he inevitably meets someone at his large university, whether that's soon or 3 or 4 years from now and he only reveals it when he dashes off to a residency.

You know he could probably find a more convenient booty call if he wanted to, right? One that lives in town. And he could always meet someone else, even if your daughter moved there and moved in.

OP, if you have concerns, you can express them gently, once. Ask her if she’s happy in the relationship and getting her needs met (and no, I’m not talking about sex). Tell her you feel the effort to keep the relationship going seems to be one sided and you don’t want to see her get hurt. She can take your feelings into consideration, or not.

But be careful in how you voice the concerns and be aware she may share the conversation with the boyfriend. If they do stay together and marry, you may forget, but he may not. I will never have anything more than a civil/polite relationship with my in laws because of crappy things they said about my character when my now husband and I were dating in our twenties.

More convenient than a pretty young woman who lives 1,000 miles away flying to him, paying for the flights, having sex for a couple of days, and then flying away? No, it actually does not get any more convenient than that.

Yes, actually, it does. A pretty young woman in his program or who lives in his building who stops by multiple times a week for sex for which he does not have to wait weeks or months.

A graduate school classmate is not convenient per se. A classmate can be overbearing, stoke social circle drama, eventually they'll want dinners, entertainment and to be your date at school events, they'll get possessive and jealous, they'll seek more and more of your time. While a naive fly in long distance girlfriend nets you all of the perks (sex) with none of those responsibilities, costs, or risks.

Oh, my. Concise. What is your profession?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people DO NOT meet their spouse before 25.

Sure they do. You’re just in an UMC bubble.

It seems poor and middle class are more likely to shack up, while affluent and college-educated women I know marry between 23 and 28. And 100% of the UMC young women I know want to be married before 30, i.e. meet their future husband no later than mid 20s. The "it" millennial power couple, Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan, married at age 26.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“waste her prime”?

OP’s mother-of-the-year award may be in some jeopardy.

It is her prime for fertility if daughter wants children.

IVF hotbed DCUM pretends it's "normal" to wait until you're 35 to get married (when you're desperate and there are very few qualified bachelors available) and 40 to have your first test tube baby. Even aside from fertility, the dating scene from early / mid 20s compared to late 20s / early 30s is night and day. Early and mid 20s is when you want to meet your spouse, at no time in life is it easier and are there more options.

Your 20s are the best time to conceive naturally. You can still have healthy baby in your 30s but usually women end up marrying someone out of panic to have a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people DO NOT meet their spouse before 25.

Sure they do. You’re just in an UMC bubble.

It seems poor and middle class are more likely to shack up, while affluent and college-educated women I know marry between 23 and 28. And 100% of the UMC young women I know want to be married before 30, i.e. meet their future husband no later than mid 20s. The "it" millennial power couple, Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan, married at age 26.

UMC marries early not late. Maybe if you are the one that became UMC you married late but kids of UMC marry early -- many right out of college or grad school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I know is doctors are players. He is probably sleeping with other med students on the side

I hope he is. As is OP's daughter.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if the OP is still checking this thread. I understand your parental concern. You don't want your daughter to put her hopes on a man who can't or won't reciprocate. Even if he is financially compensating her for the flights, it doesn't make up for the logistical burden she's dealing with. She probably isn't making as many friends in her hometown either because of the time she's investing in this relationship. Long-distance can work if you have an end date, but it's hard it to keep it going indefinitely especially with a field as demanding as medicine. If she thinks his time is limited now, just wait until residency. If they've been dating exclusively for over a year, it might be time to talk about moving in if she can get a job in that city. This will be her show of good faith in this relationship. If he expects her to move again for residency, he needs to put a ring on it. She's got her own career, friends, and family and he can't expect her to put everything on the line for him time and time again. Most med students and residents understand this.