Is our 23 y/o daughter being used and led on by her 23 y/o medical student boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is your daughters career? Is she in some low paying pink collar field where she needs to marry the “right” guy in order to have a basic middle class life in many places? I am the breadwinner in our family, and always made enough to live comfortably so my spouse was just that, someone I loved and did “plane trip” material with.

If you are invested because you see your daughter setting up her life career wise as needed a breadwinner DH, then this becomes a financial decision as well as relationship.

Not OP, but this is a painfully accurate description of my worries for my non-profit employed daughter.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be more concerned about the money she is pouring into this for flights than the sex. That is very young to meet your forever person.

If financially independent, the money isn't Mom's business, either.

I met my "forever person" (really? I'm not a rescue pit bull) at 23, by the way.

Then I'm sure you're well aware that it's unusual.

No it’s not most people meet their forever person before they are 25.

Well…most people meet their first spouse before 25, perhaps. Forever is a long time, especially if you start that young.

Most people DO NOT meet their spouse before 25.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post does seem odd OP. If all a guy wanted was sex, he could go to any bar + tell people he was in med school. You have to have more faith in your dd and back off. What will be--- will be.

Yeah, that’s kinda her whole point- she is worried he is super eligible.

So what?

[Anonymous]

Don't get this one at all. Not your call or even not in the thinking zone for you. One would hope you raised a daughter who can analyze the facts and make a call. She may like this arrangement. Or a handsome lawyer or investment banker or really anything may sit next to her some day and she dumps the med student. Who knows. It's called life. Live it (or in this case your DD should and you should get a hobby).

[Anonymous]

She’s probably the one using him. She can have a social life, hang out with friends, go out, meet people. While still having the support of a “bf”. He’ll be studying

[Anonymous]

OP, my DD is in an identical situation - she is 23, her long-term college bf is a first year med student 800 miles away. I think all you really should do is point out, when appropriate, issues she should consider. In my DD’s case, we told her that we understand why she travels more often than him - she has a lot more disposable income, and a more flexible schedule. I hope my DD still feels like a priority to him, and it’s fair for her to expect that. She also gets emotional support from him as she navigates the stresses of her first job, and values that. If this relationship does not last for my DD, I know she will be crushed - but she also will have learned what’s important to her in a relationship, and that’s a valuable lesson. I think you need to step back and let your DD make her own decisions, but be there for her with an ear and advice when necessary. Also look at what your DD is getting from her relationship, not just what you think she is giving up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It appears that this young man is not showing the requisite amount of reciprocal effort or intention and this coupled with the whole male doctor-philanderer / eager RNs around every corner trope is causing the unease. Not likely that someone working on a Ph.D. in the humanities would elicit such a maternal response.

True.

[Anonymous]

You sound concern she might get pregnant. She's an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very weird you’re so fixated on her having sex. She’s 23 with a career, not a child. And guess what, she probably quite enjoys having sex with him.

Maybe he is using her, maybe he isn’t. Early 20s are for going through those experiences and figuring things out. MYOB and let her live her life.

this

she could be using him, too
maybe after med school, they get married
you need to let go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was going to be about her supporting him, and being worried about him dumping her after he finished school/residency (which happened to a family member). But it's about her . . . having sex with him? Your alternative is for them to break up because . . . he is in medical school? Generations of mothers just gave you the side eye.

No, you're right, that is the concern. She's being used as a booty call until he inevitably meets someone at his large university, whether that's soon or 3 or 4 years from now and he only reveals it when he dashes off to a residency.

You know he could probably find a more convenient booty call if he wanted to, right? One that lives in town. And he could always meet someone else, even if your daughter moved there and moved in.

OP, if you have concerns, you can express them gently, once. Ask her if she’s happy in the relationship and getting her needs met (and no, I’m not talking about sex). Tell her you feel the effort to keep the relationship going seems to be one sided and you don’t want to see her get hurt. She can take your feelings into consideration, or not.

But be careful in how you voice the concerns and be aware she may share the conversation with the boyfriend. If they do stay together and marry, you may forget, but he may not. I will never have anything more than a civil/polite relationship with my in laws because of crappy things they said about my character when my now husband and I were dating in our twenties.

More convenient than a pretty young woman who lives 1,000 miles away flying to him, paying for the flights, having sex for a couple of days, and then flying away? No, it actually does not get any more convenient than that.

I don’t know how old you are, but can assure you that nowadays it just takes a few swipes on Tinder. If he’s good looking, and a med student with his own place, he doesn’t even have to wait until the weekends.

[Anonymous]

I was long distance with my boyfriend at 23.

He paid for half my train/flight tickets but I always went to him because guess what! I loved where he lived better. It was my decision to do it that way.

We ended up getting engaged, then I moved to him, and I was married by 25. I’m so glad my parents weren’t up in my business about this and recognized me for the adult I was at that age.

We’ve been married 18 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was long distance with my boyfriend at 23.

He paid for half my train/flight tickets but I always went to him because guess what! I loved where he lived better. It was my decision to do it that way.

We ended up getting engaged, then I moved to him, and I was married by 25. I’m so glad my parents weren’t up in my business about this and recognized me for the adult I was at that age.

We’ve been married 18 years.

If the med student is paying for half the tickets like then boyfriend was, then it's different. If Op's DD is paying for the tickets on her own, it's a racket

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was long distance with my boyfriend at 23.

He paid for half my train/flight tickets but I always went to him because guess what! I loved where he lived better. It was my decision to do it that way.

We ended up getting engaged, then I moved to him, and I was married by 25. I’m so glad my parents weren’t up in my business about this and recognized me for the adult I was at that age.

We’ve been married 18 years.

If the med student is paying for half the tickets like then boyfriend was, then it's different. If Op's DD is paying for the tickets on her own, it's a racket

OP didn’t say anything about payments in her original post, and only said later that his family was well off. As if his parents should be paying? Again, weird - parents! Back off!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was going to be about her supporting him, and being worried about him dumping her after he finished school/residency (which happened to a family member). But it's about her . . . having sex with him? Your alternative is for them to break up because . . . he is in medical school? Generations of mothers just gave you the side eye.

No, you're right, that is the concern. She's being used as a booty call until he inevitably meets someone at his large university, whether that's soon or 3 or 4 years from now and he only reveals it when he dashes off to a residency.

^^ this is mom/dad’s concern

Not the payment issue