Is our 23 y/o daughter being used and led on by her 23 y/o medical student boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Doctors I know were somewhat more likely than others to marry their college sweethearts. They don’t have time to date during med school and residency so they like to lock it down early. I don’t know if a mom can have this conversation but if I were a friend I would want to know:
1) does she care if this is just for sex and going nowhere?
2) if she cares…what is their level of emotional connection when they are remote? Is he there for her when her has had days, good days etc?
3) and what is she thinking long term? Does she have professional flexibility to relocate to his med school location? And again when he matches for residency? And then maybe again when he gets a job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post does seem odd OP. If all a guy wanted was sex, he could go to any bar + tell people he was in med school. You have to have more faith in your dd and back off. What will be--- will be.

But with OP's daughter, he does not have to go to the bar. She comes to him. See how much easier it is for him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post does seem odd OP. If all a guy wanted was sex, he could go to any bar + tell people he was in med school. You have to have more faith in your dd and back off. What will be--- will be.

But with OP's daughter, he does not have to go to the bar. She comes to him. See how much easier it is for him?

Nothing stopping him from doing both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post does seem odd OP. If all a guy wanted was sex, he could go to any bar + tell people he was in med school. You have to have more faith in your dd and back off. What will be--- will be.

But with OP's daughter, he does not have to go to the bar. She comes to him. See how much easier it is for him?

Well that is OP’s side of the story. OP seems unbiased. If I was OP’s dd I would not tell her sh#t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It appears that this young man is not showing the requisite amount of reciprocal effort or intention and this coupled with the whole male doctor-philanderer /eager RNs around every corner trope is causing the unease. Not likely that someone working on a Ph.D. in the humanities would elicit such a maternal response.

Yeah, most parents would absolutely prefer their daughters date a PhD candidate in anthropological studies than a prospective doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Should a young man from a rich family be paying for her flights to visit him?

Well, then she is not a booty call, she is a whore or a sugar baby, right?

OP, go volunteer to help homeless people or animals or sort food at a food bank. You need real problems to focus on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post does seem odd OP. If all a guy wanted was sex, he could go to any bar + tell people he was in med school. You have to have more faith in your dd and back off. What will be--- will be.

But with OP's daughter, he does not have to go to the bar. She comes to him. See how much easier it is for him?

But her daughter could also just go to any bar and get sex, without spending any money or traveling. It goes both ways. What if maybe, just maybe. it's not about sex?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was going to be about her supporting him, and being worried about him dumping her after he finished school/residency (which happened to a family member). But it's about her . . . having sex with him? Your alternative is for them to break up because . . . he is in medical school? Generations of mothers just gave you the side eye.

No, you're right, that is the concern. She's being used as a booty call until he inevitably meets someone at his large university, whether that's soon or 3 or 4 years from now and he only reveals it when he dashes off to a residency.

You know he could probably find a more convenient booty call if he wanted to, right? One that lives in town. And he could always meet someone else, even if your daughter moved there and moved in.

OP, if you have concerns, you can express them gently, once. Ask her if she’s happy in the relationship and getting her needs met (and no, I’m not talking about sex). Tell her you feel the effort to keep the relationship going seems to be one sided and you don’t want to see her get hurt. She can take your feelings into consideration, or not.

But be careful in how you voice the concerns and be aware she may share the conversation with the boyfriend. If they do stay together and marry, you may forget, but he may not. I will never have anything more than a civil/polite relationship with my in laws because of crappy things they said about my character when my now husband and I were dating in our twenties.

More convenient than a pretty young woman who lives 1,000 miles away flying to him, paying for the flights, having sex for a couple of days, and then flying away? No, it actually does not get any more convenient than that.

Yeah he is busy with med school, no time to cultivate a local relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post does seem odd OP. If all a guy wanted was sex, he could go to any bar + tell people he was in med school. You have to have more faith in your dd and back off. What will be--- will be.

Not really. When I hear med school all I think about is crazy student loans and crazy hours. There are much more pleasant paths to an UMC life.

Your post is weird too. These are two actual people who have been dating for years and have actual feelings for one another. Generally in those type of situations you don't clinically evaluate the other person's job in a vacuum comparing it to 'other paths to an UMC life'. Most people don't think that way at all, and certainly not 23 year olds who are in love.

PP was talking about the bar pickup. “I’m a med student” is not the same as “I’m an investment banker” by any means

[Anonymous]

OP, what is your daughters career? Is she in some low paying pink collar field where she needs to marry the “right” guy in order to have a basic middle class life in many places? I am the breadwinner in our family, and always made enough to live comfortably so my spouse was just that, someone I loved and did “plane trip” material with.

If you are invested because you see your daughter setting up her life career wise as needed a breadwinner DH, then this becomes a financial decision as well as relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was your daughter when I was 25, except my boyfriend wasn’t even from a wealthy family.
I had more money as I was older and he was still a student, would fly out to see him, etc.
Would I listen to anyone, not just my mom, anyone, who told me not to do it? No.
Why not? Because I was a sentimental, low self esteem soul who was convinced I could only find someone genuinely loving among those who are not “cooler” than me. I was open to other relationships but they never worked out, this LTR was the only more or less genuine thing I had. The other guys didn’t plan on being with me seriously and long term.
I don’t know, I think I was just very unsure of myself and I could only dare to hope for real love from those who weren’t quite my equals.
I know it may not be exactly like that for your DD, but she may view this guy as something genuine, something pure in her life. She may feel the need to “earn” love by doing so much work in a relationship.
I think if you are close to her - hear her out about their relationship; ask hee what makes him so special and how she feels about having to pay for her flights. Try to hide your judgement or she will withdraw from you
But generally this idea of having to earn love comes from early childhood… a combination of nature and nurture… and I think you are very much a mom whose love has to be earned…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post does seem odd OP. If all a guy wanted was sex, he could go to any bar + tell people he was in med school. You have to have more faith in your dd and back off. What will be--- will be.

But with OP's daughter, he does not have to go to the bar. She comes to him. See how much easier it is for him?

But her daughter could also just go to any bar and get sex, without spending any money or traveling. It goes both ways. What if maybe, just maybe. it's not about sex?!

It doesn't go both ways because her daughter is the one putting in all the work. She is traveling on her time and dime to him. It's more convenient for him that it is for her.
It's easy to see how he can just keep this thing going even if he doesn't think it will work out down the road. He has nothing to lose.

[Anonymous]

On and to add to my story above… I dumped him after I felt I was doing all the work, and I had some counseling and it encouraged me to do so.
So it may not last forever.
But I still feel like I missed a lot of travel and maybe love life by dating that guy. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post does seem odd OP. If all a guy wanted was sex, he could go to any bar + tell people he was in med school. You have to have more faith in your dd and back off. What will be--- will be.

But with OP's daughter, he does not have to go to the bar. She comes to him. See how much easier it is for him?

But her daughter could also just go to any bar and get sex, without spending any money or traveling. It goes both ways. What if maybe, just maybe. it's not about sex?!

It doesn't go both ways because her daughter is the one putting in all the work. She is traveling on her time and dime to him. It's more convenient for him that it is for her.
It's easy to see how he can just keep this thing going even if he doesn't think it will work out down the road. He has nothing to lose.

DP: if she is traveling there’s something in it for her. Find that something and you have the key

[Anonymous]

I would far prefer the ling distance to her giving up career and connections where she is and moving to med school to be with him. Maybe your daughter doesn’t think of him as her forever person and so doesn’t want to make such sacrifices?

Also, how do you know she is not dating or talking to other men. Just because you don’t know about it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.