Red Flags- Children’s SO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Signs that the individual is a gold digger. Plans to quit working as soon as she is married, expensive hobbies and unrealistic expectations about life together and living standard.

I am now describing my brother's wife. Buyer beware.

For my MIL, plans to keep working after marriage/kids are a red flag. I think she wishes I was more of a gold digger.

Easier for her son if you do everything and he can solely focus on his career and external interests.

I mean, who wouldn’t want a Stay at Home Adult devoted solely to yourself, your house and your kids?!? We all need that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously abuse, drugs, criminal history are clear signs but what other issues do you consider a red flag in an adult child’s SO, worthy enough to voice your concern?

Red flags that bit me or my friends in the @$$:
Mental disorders
Misogyny
Narcissism
Zero conflict resolution skills
Inability to have meaningful conversations once in awhile.
Avoidance of decision making (this can be a sneaky one but once you see it you cannot unsee it!)
Bad hygiene habits - Landry, crumbs, using soap, brushing teeth when wake up/ not hours later

That’s why it’s important to date for a year and live together before you commit. That’s what makes college dorm relationships great as you get to know the person in every way and know if you love them with their weaknesses and strengths or not.

College or grad school is not real life. No job, no budget, parents or student loans paying the bills, tons of social activities and friends to copy, long breaks, fragmented/inconsistent schedule (classes only tues and thurs!).
You definitely do NOT get to know the person in every way let alone ways that parallel life with a job or bills or cars or kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I find it odd to establish a list. Unhealthy.

If you see a concern, you speak up. You don't go looking for something.

Many women are too scared to “speak up” about a topic or share thoughts, you’ll scare off the guy. Need to make things simple and comfortable so he proposes. Def don’t ask tough questions or if he doesn’t want to answer… just let it gooooo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Signs that the individual is a gold digger. Plans to quit working as soon as she is married, expensive hobbies and unrealistic expectations about life together and living standard.

I am now describing my brother's wife. Buyer beware.

For my MIL, plans to keep working after marriage/kids are a red flag. I think she wishes I was more of a gold digger.

Easier for her son if you do everything and he can solely focus on his career and external interests.

I mean, who wouldn’t want a Stay at Home Adult devoted solely to yourself, your house and your kids?!? We all need that!

Women need it more than men. Most of my physician acquaintances kept their nannies as house managers after children went to full time schools. They take care of everything from paying bills, driving children, shopping, watch work/repair guys, press clothes, organize closets etc, these are on top of house cleaning services and tutors/coaches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously abuse, drugs, criminal history are clear signs but what other issues do you consider a red flag in an adult child’s SO, worthy enough to voice your concern?

Red flags that bit me or my friends in the @$$:
Mental disorders
Misogyny
Narcissism
Zero conflict resolution skills
Inability to have meaningful conversations once in awhile.
Avoidance of decision making (this can be a sneaky one but once you see it you cannot unsee it!)
Bad hygiene habits - Landry, crumbs, using soap, brushing teeth when wake up/ not hours later

That’s why it’s important to date for a year and live together before you commit. That’s what makes college dorm relationships great as you get to know the person in every way and know if you love them with their weaknesses and strengths or not.

College or grad school is not real life. No job, no budget, parents or student loans paying the bills, tons of social activities and friends to copy, long breaks, fragmented/inconsistent schedule (classes only tues and thurs!).
You definitely do NOT get to know the person in every way let alone ways that parallel life with a job or bills or cars or kids.

It’s still better than bar dating or internet dating after graduation.

[Anonymous]

Things that would worry me -
A SO with a very enmeshed family. Not close in a normal way, but like talk in the phone multiple times a day, walk in and out of each other’s houses, never do anything without family.

The other would be if the SO’s family had a lot of drama - divorces, addiction, housing instability, siblings that didn’t launch, family members in jail or with financial issues.

Neither is a deal breaker but both are going to significantly impact how they live their life as a couple, how they raise their kids, and their financial obligations to others. If they thought through that and it is what they want, I’ll support them. Basically I want my kids to know they are marrying into the whole family, not just 1 person. I am an only child and I talked to my husband before marriage about my financial and emotional obligations for eldercare for my parents because it was important to me that we were on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if SO is fine but comes from a family filled with drugs,debt, drama or other problems. Family problems are bound to engulf or at least effect SO and by association your child.

Would you care to elaborate, in a more mature and nuanced way, what you mean by “drama”? Are you a “Real Housewife of Potomac”?

It sounds very clear unless reader is trying to be obtuse because it’s hitting a nerve.

Would you consider student debt to be "drama"?
Would you consider anxiety or depression to be "drama"?
How about severe allergies or chronic illness?
How about being a different religion?
Keeping kosher or other religious practices that might be "dramatic" for hosting/visiting/holidays?
Being from another country and having parents living overseas--is that "drama"?
Being a recovering alcoholic or drug addict--someone who has been clean for a decade--is that "drama"?
Having a parent who has a tough illness or mental illness?

Is anything "drama" that makes life a little messy, a little uncomfortable, a little complex at times? Just wondering.

NP - but yes, all those things are “drama” because they are different from the family my kids are being raised in. We are a suuuuper boring family - parents and grandparents all married, financially comfortable but not wealthy, my kids aunts and uncles all have stable marriages and employment, no addiction or medical issues. None of the things on your list are dealbreakers, but I would want my child to consider how they may impact their life long term if they marry into a family where those items are present. I think it’s kinder to know one’s own limits and not purposely choose a challenging or difficult life than to marry someone and later divorce because it’s too much. Of course people discover issues or have terrible things happen after marriage and work through them. It’s the difference between having your basement flood in a dream storm a year after you bought the house and purposefully purchasing a house at full price even when the home inspection identified major issues. If you know the issues and still want the house, that’s fine. But it’s also ok to walk away if the issues are too much for you emotionally or financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things that would worry me -
A SO with a very enmeshed family. Not close in a normal way, but like talk in the phone multiple times a day, walk in and out of each other’s houses, never do anything without family.

I answered earlier about my dh speaking to our sil but am curious.

Why do you find a family being very close worrisome?

Our dd lives in the apartment above us and we all including sil will come up or down into each other's apartments every day. My daughter is down here at least 2-3x's a day with our grandsons and between me and her sisters were up there the same amount. I always considered us a close knit family as does sil since he was welcomed into it and was told by dh that we were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if SO is fine but comes from a family filled with drugs,debt, drama or other problems. Family problems are bound to engulf or at least effect SO and by association your child.

Would you care to elaborate, in a more mature and nuanced way, what you mean by “drama”? Are you a “Real Housewife of Potomac”?

It sounds very clear unless reader is trying to be obtuse because it’s hitting a nerve.

Would you consider student debt to be "drama"?
Would you consider anxiety or depression to be "drama"?
How about severe allergies or chronic illness?
How about being a different religion?
Keeping kosher or other religious practices that might be "dramatic" for hosting/visiting/holidays?
Being from another country and having parents living overseas--is that "drama"?
Being a recovering alcoholic or drug addict--someone who has been clean for a decade--is that "drama"?
Having a parent who has a tough illness or mental illness?

Is anything "drama" that makes life a little messy, a little uncomfortable, a little complex at times? Just wondering.

NP - but yes, all those things are “drama” because they are different from the family my kids are being raised in. We are a suuuuper boring family - parents and grandparents all married, financially comfortable but not wealthy, my kids aunts and uncles all have stable marriages and employment, no addiction or medical issues. None of the things on your list are dealbreakers, but I would want my child to consider how they may impact their life long term if they marry into a family where those items are present. I think it’s kinder to know one’s own limits and not purposely choose a challenging or difficult life than to marry someone and later divorce because it’s too much. Of course people discover issues or have terrible things happen after marriage and work through them. It’s the difference between having your basement flood in a dream storm a year after you bought the house and purposefully purchasing a house at full price even when the home inspection identified major issues. If you know the issues and still want the house, that’s fine. But it’s also ok to walk away if the issues are too much for you emotionally or financially.

You hit the nail on the head. Your child would be super attractive to someone coming from a "drama" family BECAUSE your family is so stable. People from dysfunctional and unstable families are frequently super drawn to people who come from functional and stable families like moths to a flame. The problem is that the people from the functional and stable families don't have the skills to deal with the dysfunction and instability of the other person and their family. It is a very real issue.

[Anonymous]

Agree. Some sorts of drama were not on my radar. Like untreated mental disorders.

I knew the obvious stuff to avoid - womanizers, alcoholics, scary angry outburst people.

But the masking by some is next level. And then they drop the mask.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have the skills to do that?

You’d have to twist yourself into a pretzel all the time to ignore or accommodate the dysfunctional person. Terrible.

[Anonymous]

I think by the time your children are adults it’s too late to start talking about red flags, other than abuse.

Our parents understood that the choice of a spouse is the biggest happiness-factor choice most people will ever make. For women it also corresponds with their long term financial-life happiness because children are the best way to keep women with bad men. So from a very young age our parents discussed things like having a partner without debt, having a partner from a stable family, having a partner with a career and ambitions, having a partner with whom you can face and solve problems, etc.

As a parent to an adult child the best thing you can do is 1. Do No harm. Do not be what your child is fighting with their SO about. Support the partnership and support your CIL because they—not you— are the biggest factor in your child’s happiness and what is more important than that?? And then 2. If there is an abusive situation make extremely clear to your child that you will get them out and support them with no questions asked and no judgement rendered. Whether they believe you will have to do with what kind of a relationship you built with them in their childhood and early adulthood.

[Anonymous]

This^. A loving mom wouldn’t want to be the reason of tension, fight or stress between her son and his wife. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
As a parent to an adult child the best thing you can do is 1. Do No harm. Do not be what your child is fighting with their SO about.

This^. 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This^. A loving mom wouldn’t want to be the reason of tension, fight or stress between her son and his wife. Period.

Disagree. A loving mom absolutely will talk to her child when she sees that the spouse is not treating the child correctly or who is causing harm and trauma to the child. If that causes tension, fight or stress between the child and the spouse, then so be it.