Red Flags- Children’s SO

[Anonymous]

I guess it would be late to say anything if they already picked someone, more like if they start getting serious with someone with red flags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if SO is fine but comes from a family filled with drugs,debt, drama or other problems. Family problems are bound to engulf or at least effect SO and by association your child.

Would you care to elaborate, in a more mature and nuanced way, what you mean by “drama”? Are you a “Real Housewife of Potomac”?

It sounds very clear unless reader is trying to be obtuse because it’s hitting a nerve.

Would you consider student debt to be "drama"?
Would you consider anxiety or depression to be "drama"?
How about severe allergies or chronic illness?
How about being a different religion?
Keeping kosher or other religious practices that might be "dramatic" for hosting/visiting/holidays?
Being from another country and having parents living overseas--is that "drama"?
Being a recovering alcoholic or drug addict--someone who has been clean for a decade--is that "drama"?
Having a parent who has a tough illness or mental illness?

Is anything "drama" that makes life a little messy, a little uncomfortable, a little complex at times? Just wondering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Signs that the individual is a gold digger. Plans to quit working as soon as she is married, expensive hobbies and unrealistic expectations about life together and living standard.

I am now describing my brother's wife. Buyer beware.

For my MIL, plans to keep working after marriage/kids are a red flag. I think she wishes I was more of a gold digger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if SO is fine but comes from a family filled with drugs,debt, drama or other problems. Family problems are bound to engulf or at least effect SO and by association your child.

Would you care to elaborate, in a more mature and nuanced way, what you mean by “drama”? Are you a “Real Housewife of Potomac”?

It sounds very clear unless reader is trying to be obtuse because it’s hitting a nerve.

Would you consider student debt to be "drama"?
Would you consider anxiety or depression to be "drama"?
How about severe allergies or chronic illness?
How about being a different religion?
Keeping kosher or other religious practices that might be "dramatic" for hosting/visiting/holidays?
Being from another country and having parents living overseas--is that "drama"?
Being a recovering alcoholic or drug addict--someone who has been clean for a decade--is that "drama"?
Having a parent who has a tough illness or mental illness?

Is anything "drama" that makes life a little messy, a little uncomfortable, a little complex at times? Just wondering.

I think you're putting words in the other poster's mouth. But you need to consider that some things ARE indeed worthy of consideration.

A close friend of ours married a woman who was diagnosed with a long-term, degenerative illness that was diagnosed about 2 weeks before their wedding. While he loved the woman, his life was incredibly difficult and I know he wished he had taken some time at the front-end and pushed back the wedding date. It would have helped him decide if he could handle the marriage for the long course AND he would have been better able to get a support system set up if that had been his choice. Instead he felt pressured by the fact that the wedding was planned, all that money spent, and that he would look like a lout if he said "wait a second, let's think this out." I'm not saying people with chronic or long-term degenerative illnesses shouldn't marry but I am saying that people really need to think it through. That isn't drama, that's common sense.

The same argument can be made for recovering addicts or people with mental illness. Proceed with caution. Know what you're getting into, know how much you can handle, and how much you can take. Love, while wonderful, doesn't conquer all when it is 3 am and you're dealing with an alcoholic on the verge of relapse.

[Anonymous]

There would need to be some signs of clear manipulation and/or abuse. Emotional abuse counts.

No one wants to break up with someone because their mommy doesn't like that person. So how you voice your concern is really important. Asking questions about future plans, how XYZ that your child cares about figures into that plan, how money is being used in the relationship etc. You want to help your kid see the person is a mess without you coming out and saying "this person is a mess".

My sister went Ivy league and dated a high school drop out for awhile. My mom embraced this man with open arms despite HUGE RED FLAGS all over. But she also asked about his future, his plans for a GED and community college, his employment hopes etc. All in a kind way. She let my sister see a path towards this relationship working. But guess what?! The dude was a dud and my incredibly smart sister did see that all on her own. My mom helped guide her there without criticizing this guy. It was a masterclass in how to handle it really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Signs that the individual is a gold digger. Plans to quit working as soon as she is married, expensive hobbies and unrealistic expectations about life together and living standard.

I am now describing my brother's wife. Buyer beware.

For my MIL, plans to keep working after marriage/kids are a red flag. I think she wishes I was more of a gold digger.

DP. In our family we would welcome you with open arms. We have a gold digger. It isn't pretty.

[Anonymous]

I'm trying to figure out how things like health insurance and whether or not do planned to be a sahp is any of your business.

Op other than what you mentioned nothing myob. Who your kid chooses to marry is not up to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously abuse, drugs, criminal history are clear signs but what other issues do you consider a red flag in an adult child’s SO, worthy enough to voice your concern?

Anti-social tendencies
Mental illness and disorders (Bipolar, NPD, DPD)
Parents Divorced
Financial habits - Overspending, in debt, student debt, no savings , does not contribute the maximum to meet employer match
Lack of adulting skills
Low EQ, low self-esteem, unpleasant personality
Poor physical health or medical history
Unattractive
Does not treat my adult child well.
Baggage and previous relationships
Education Level
No future plans

I'm trying to picture how you get all this information. Handing the SO a survey when you first meet them? An interrogation like in the movie Meet The Parents?

Same. I'd love to witness the conversation where pp tells her child their So isn't attractive enough. So many of these posters are delusional. Funny thing is they all probably complain about nightmare inlaws, yet they are shaping up to be exactly that.

[Anonymous]

My friend is still paying off her husband’s expensive private college loans and credit card debt at 40. He earns but a good percentage goes in monthly payments. His spending habits are still questionable, just bought a luxury car instead of paying enough down payment for mortgage to avoid PMI. He is a hot bod and a fun person but finances are taking a toll on her looks and humor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously abuse, drugs, criminal history are clear signs but what other issues do you consider a red flag in an adult child’s SO, worthy enough to voice your concern?

Anti-social tendencies
Mental illness and disorders (Bipolar, NPD, DPD)
Parents Divorced
Financial habits - Overspending, in debt, student debt, no savings , does not contribute the maximum to meet employer match
Lack of adulting skills
Low EQ, low self-esteem, unpleasant personality
Poor physical health or medical history
Unattractive
Does not treat my adult child well.
Baggage and previous relationships
Education Level
No future plans

I'm trying to picture how you get all this information. Handing the SO a survey when you first meet them? An interrogation like in the movie Meet The Parents?

Same. I'd love to witness the conversation where pp tells her child their So isn't attractive enough. So many of these posters are delusional. Funny thing is they all probably complain about nightmare inlaws, yet they are shaping up to be exactly that.

Attractive enough? Haha no parent would risk saying that as beauty is only skin deep and in the eye of the beholder.

[Anonymous]

I would probably risk it if abuse, drugs or criminal history type issues are there and my adult child isn’t aware of it. I wouldn’t object if he is a Mormon bee collector with alopecia or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Signs that the individual is a gold digger. Plans to quit working as soon as she is married, expensive hobbies and unrealistic expectations about life together and living standard.

I am now describing my brother's wife. Buyer beware.

For my MIL, plans to keep working after marriage/kids are a red flag. I think she wishes I was more of a gold digger.

DP. In our family we would welcome you with open arms. We have a gold digger. It isn't pretty.

I’m chuckling at you bitter old prunes—you’re jealous because you aren’t hot enough to be gold diggers. Smart, successful men know what they’re getting, and guess what they want? Hot ass.

[Anonymous]

Based on experience on our family, we all wish we had said something about the BF who caused family member to change herself to suit him and who made specific efforts to minimize the amount of time she spent with her FOO. Don't know if it would have made a difference, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if SO is fine but comes from a family filled with drugs,debt, drama or other problems. Family problems are bound to engulf or at least effect SO and by association your child.

Would you care to elaborate, in a more mature and nuanced way, what you mean by “drama”? Are you a “Real Housewife of Potomac”?

It sounds very clear unless reader is trying to be obtuse because it’s hitting a nerve.

Would you consider student debt to be "drama"?
Would you consider anxiety or depression to be "drama"?
How about severe allergies or chronic illness?
How about being a different religion?
Keeping kosher or other religious practices that might be "dramatic" for hosting/visiting/holidays?
Being from another country and having parents living overseas--is that "drama"?
Being a recovering alcoholic or drug addict--someone who has been clean for a decade--is that "drama"?
Having a parent who has a tough illness or mental illness?

Is anything "drama" that makes life a little messy, a little uncomfortable, a little complex at times? Just wondering.

I think you're putting words in the other poster's mouth. But you need to consider that some things ARE indeed worthy of consideration.

A close friend of ours married a woman who was diagnosed with a long-term, degenerative illness that was diagnosed about 2 weeks before their wedding. While he loved the woman, his life was incredibly difficult and I know he wished he had taken some time at the front-end and pushed back the wedding date. It would have helped him decide if he could handle the marriage for the long course AND he would have been better able to get a support system set up if that had been his choice. Instead he felt pressured by the fact that the wedding was planned, all that money spent, and that he would look like a lout if he said "wait a second, let's think this out." I'm not saying people with chronic or long-term degenerative illnesses shouldn't marry but I am saying that people really need to think it through. That isn't drama, that's common sense.

The same argument can be made for recovering addicts or people with mental illness. Proceed with caution. Know what you're getting into, know how much you can handle, and how much you can take. Love, while wonderful, doesn't conquer all when it is 3 am and you're dealing with an alcoholic on the verge of relapse.

Wow. So if she had gotten her diagnosis two weeks after the wedding, no big deal? He wouldn't so much have "looked like a lout" if he didn't go through with the wedding so much as he would have been an irredeemable lout if he had not gone through with it. You either want to be with someone for life, or you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you object to race, age, religion, looks, education, jobs, income, medical history, messed up family etc.?

New poster here

Race: No objection
Age: Maybe--I'd see it as a red flag if there was an extreme age difference, like if my 22 year old was seriously dating someone in their 50's+
Religion: Most likely I'd see as a red flag as my child was raised Catholic but is not very religious now as an adult. If dated someone that was very devout in a religion that was not "mainstream" Christian or Judaism, I'd see it as a red flag.
Looks: No objection unless they have facial tattoos
Education: No objection
Jobs: No objection
Income: No objection
Medical History: I'd be concerned with something that can be passed down to children, if they planned to have children. Otherwise no objection
Messed up Family: cautious, but open minded. Almost every family is a little "messed up."