Red Flags- Children’s SO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This^. A loving mom wouldn’t want to be the reason of tension, fight or stress between her son and his wife. Period.

Disagree. A loving mom absolutely will talk to her child when she sees that the spouse is not treating the child correctly or who is causing harm and trauma to the child. If that causes tension, fight or stress between the child and the spouse, then so be it.

You didn’t read the post. It specifically says abuse is the one exception. I assume by “harm and trauma” you mean abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think by the time your children are adults it’s too late to start talking about red flags, other than abuse.

Our parents understood that the choice of a spouse is the biggest happiness-factor choice most people will ever make. For women it also corresponds with their long term financial-life happiness because children are the best way to keep women with bad men. So from a very young age our parents discussed things like having a partner without debt, having a partner from a stable family, having a partner with a career and ambitions, having a partner with whom you can face and solve problems, etc.

As a parent to an adult child the best thing you can do is 1. Do No harm. Do not be what your child is fighting with their SO about. Support the partnership and support your CIL because they—not you— are the biggest factor in your child’s happiness and what is more important than that?? And then 2. If there is an abusive situation make extremely clear to your child that you will get them out and support them with no questions asked and no judgement rendered. Whether they believe you will have to do with what kind of a relationship you built with them in their childhood and early adulthood.

Completely agree.

You model and discuss healthy conflict resolution, values and partner choice when your child is a child.

When they're an adult you MYOB unless it's an abusive situation. Your son or daughter will have their own priorities and compromises with their partner. That is their life to live. You set them up as best you can and then they get to make their own choices.

It's incredibly dysfunctional to drive a wedge between your kid and their spouse because you can't accept the fact that your kid is now a grown up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This^. A loving mom wouldn’t want to be the reason of tension, fight or stress between her son and his wife. Period.

Disagree. A loving mom absolutely will talk to her child when she sees that the spouse is not treating the child correctly or who is causing harm and trauma to the child. If that causes tension, fight or stress between the child and the spouse, then so be it.

You didn’t read the post. It specifically says abuse is the one exception. I assume by “harm and trauma” you mean abuse.

No, harm and trauma don't have to mean abuse. They mean that they aren't good for that child. Not everything has to be abusive. A good parent will say something if their child is not their happiest self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This^. A loving mom wouldn’t want to be the reason of tension, fight or stress between her son and his wife. Period.

Disagree. A loving mom absolutely will talk to her child when she sees that the spouse is not treating the child correctly or who is causing harm and trauma to the child. If that causes tension, fight or stress between the child and the spouse, then so be it.

Abuse, physical or emotional, is an exception but other than that, no mom is entitled to meddle in an adult couple’s relationship. Period. Doesn’t matter how loving she is. It’s real life, not middle school, her “child” is either a functioning adult capable to handle an adult relationship or should’ve stayed single and lived with loving mommy.

[Anonymous]

A couple consists of two people, a husband and a wife, not a couple and a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This^. A loving mom wouldn’t want to be the reason of tension, fight or stress between her son and his wife. Period.

Disagree. A loving mom absolutely will talk to her child when she sees that the spouse is not treating the child correctly or who is causing harm and trauma to the child. If that causes tension, fight or stress between the child and the spouse, then so be it.

Abuse, physical or emotional, is an exception but other than that, no mom is entitled to meddle in an adult couple’s relationship. Period. Doesn’t matter how loving she is. It’s real life, not middle school, her “child” is either a functioning adult capable to handle an adult relationship or should’ve stayed single and lived with loving mommy.

We'll have to agree to disagree. Our family works differently. It works differently with me and my husband, and our parents, and it will work differently with me and my husband with our kids when they are married. Some families are closer than others. Different strokes for different folks. It is interesting how threatening this is to some of you responding here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple consists of two people, a husband and a wife, not a couple and a parent.

And a family consists of everyone in the family. See how that goes?

[Anonymous]

I'd raise a concern for different religious background if neither partner was willing to switch to the other side. I am not particularly religious but if my neither my child's spouse nor their SO were willing to switch to the other's religion, I would raise that concern. I have seen marriages go down because everyone wanted to stick to their religion and the chldren were dragged into the fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This^. A loving mom wouldn’t want to be the reason of tension, fight or stress between her son and his wife. Period.

Disagree. A loving mom absolutely will talk to her child when she sees that the spouse is not treating the child correctly or who is causing harm and trauma to the child. If that causes tension, fight or stress between the child and the spouse, then so be it.

You didn’t read the post. It specifically says abuse is the one exception. I assume by “harm and trauma” you mean abuse.

No, harm and trauma don't have to mean abuse. They mean that they aren't good for that child. Not everything has to be abusive. A good parent will say something if their child is not their happiest self.

And if the child is not “their happiest self” because their parent is fomenting tension in their marriage, is that really a good parent? I would suggest not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This^. A loving mom wouldn’t want to be the reason of tension, fight or stress between her son and his wife. Period.

Disagree. A loving mom absolutely will talk to her child when she sees that the spouse is not treating the child correctly or who is causing harm and trauma to the child. If that causes tension, fight or stress between the child and the spouse, then so be it.

You didn’t read the post. It specifically says abuse is the one exception. I assume by “harm and trauma” you mean abuse.

No, harm and trauma don't have to mean abuse. They mean that they aren't good for that child. Not everything has to be abusive. A good parent will say something if their child is not their happiest self.

And if the child is not “their happiest self” because their parent is fomenting tension in their marriage, is that really a good parent? I would suggest not.

Hmmm, we (meaning my husband or myself) or one of the kid's siblings would step in if we saw that the marriage wasn't functioning well or that the spouse was causing problems. So, yes, that is being a good parent and a good sibling. I don't care as much about the marriage as I care about my kid being happy. If the marriage isn't making my kid happy then I will certainly say something, presuming one of the kids or my husband doesn't beat me to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This^. A loving mom wouldn’t want to be the reason of tension, fight or stress between her son and his wife. Period.

Disagree. A loving mom absolutely will talk to her child when she sees that the spouse is not treating the child correctly or who is causing harm and trauma to the child. If that causes tension, fight or stress between the child and the spouse, then so be it.

You didn’t read the post. It specifically says abuse is the one exception. I assume by “harm and trauma” you mean abuse.

No, harm and trauma don't have to mean abuse. They mean that they aren't good for that child. Not everything has to be abusive. A good parent will say something if their child is not their happiest self.

And if the child is not “their happiest self” because their parent is fomenting tension in their marriage, is that really a good parent? I would suggest not.

Hmmm, we (meaning my husband or myself) or one of the kid's siblings would step in if we saw that the marriage wasn't functioning well or that the spouse was causing problems. So, yes, that is being a good parent and a good sibling. I don't care as much about the marriage as I care about my kid being happy. If the marriage isn't making my kid happy then I will certainly say something, presuming one of the kids or my husband doesn't beat me to it.

But that’s not the question. Do you then take responsibility for causing the pain to your child of tension in their marriage? Because if you break up your kids marriage, and they are divorced and miserable because of it, you will have caused them to be unhappy, as well as your grandchildren to be unhappy. So do you consider than unhappiness a reflection on your parenting? Because I have to tell you, people don’t tolerate meddling in laws the way they used to, and you could easily wind up cut off or your child divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This^. A loving mom wouldn’t want to be the reason of tension, fight or stress between her son and his wife. Period.

Disagree. A loving mom absolutely will talk to her child when she sees that the spouse is not treating the child correctly or who is causing harm and trauma to the child. If that causes tension, fight or stress between the child and the spouse, then so be it.

You didn’t read the post. It specifically says abuse is the one exception. I assume by “harm and trauma” you mean abuse.

No, harm and trauma don't have to mean abuse. They mean that they aren't good for that child. Not everything has to be abusive. A good parent will say something if their child is not their happiest self.

And if the child is not “their happiest self” because their parent is fomenting tension in their marriage, is that really a good parent? I would suggest not.

Hmmm, we (meaning my husband or myself) or one of the kid's siblings would step in if we saw that the marriage wasn't functioning well or that the spouse was causing problems. So, yes, that is being a good parent and a good sibling. I don't care as much about the marriage as I care about my kid being happy. If the marriage isn't making my kid happy then I will certainly say something, presuming one of the kids or my husband doesn't beat me to it.

But that’s not the question. Do you then take responsibility for causing the pain to your child of tension in their marriage? Because if you break up your kids marriage, and they are divorced and miserable because of it, you will have caused them to be unhappy, as well as your grandchildren to be unhappy. So do you consider than unhappiness a reflection on your parenting? Because I have to tell you, people don’t tolerate meddling in laws the way they used to, and you could easily wind up cut off or your child divorced.

LOL. You really are taking this to heart. Don't worry, we won't ever be cut off. And I can pretty much guarantee you won't ever be joining our family. You have trouble and drama written all over you. Our kids know what to look for in a spouse, and you aren't it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple consists of two people, a husband and a wife, not a couple and a parent.

And a family consists of everyone in the family. See how that goes?

Couple is part of the family but family isn’t part of any couple’s personal and private life, neither of parents’s or “children’s”. All adults are entitled to their privacy and independence. Family enmeshment happens when boundaries become blurry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This^. A loving mom wouldn’t want to be the reason of tension, fight or stress between her son and his wife. Period.

Disagree. A loving mom absolutely will talk to her child when she sees that the spouse is not treating the child correctly or who is causing harm and trauma to the child. If that causes tension, fight or stress between the child and the spouse, then so be it.

You didn’t read the post. It specifically says abuse is the one exception. I assume by “harm and trauma” you mean abuse.

No, harm and trauma don't have to mean abuse. They mean that they aren't good for that child. Not everything has to be abusive. A good parent will say something if their child is not their happiest self.

And if the child is not “their happiest self” because their parent is fomenting tension in their marriage, is that really a good parent? I would suggest not.

This^. Just because in your mind you are doing it with good intention, doesn’t always make it right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This^. A loving mom wouldn’t want to be the reason of tension, fight or stress between her son and his wife. Period.

Disagree. A loving mom absolutely will talk to her child when she sees that the spouse is not treating the child correctly or who is causing harm and trauma to the child. If that causes tension, fight or stress between the child and the spouse, then so be it.

You didn’t read the post. It specifically says abuse is the one exception. I assume by “harm and trauma” you mean abuse.

No, harm and trauma don't have to mean abuse. They mean that they aren't good for that child. Not everything has to be abusive. A good parent will say something if their child is not their happiest self.

And if the child is not “their happiest self” because their parent is fomenting tension in their marriage, is that really a good parent? I would suggest not.

Hmmm, we (meaning my husband or myself) or one of the kid's siblings would step in if we saw that the marriage wasn't functioning well or that the spouse was causing problems. So, yes, that is being a good parent and a good sibling. I don't care as much about the marriage as I care about my kid being happy. If the marriage isn't making my kid happy then I will certainly say something, presuming one of the kids or my husband doesn't beat me to it.

But that’s not the question. Do you then take responsibility for causing the pain to your child of tension in their marriage? Because if you break up your kids marriage, and they are divorced and miserable because of it, you will have caused them to be unhappy, as well as your grandchildren to be unhappy. So do you consider than unhappiness a reflection on your parenting? Because I have to tell you, people don’t tolerate meddling in laws the way they used to, and you could easily wind up cut off or your child divorced.

LOL. You really are taking this to heart. Don't worry, we won't ever be cut off. And I can pretty much guarantee you won't ever be joining our family. You have trouble and drama written all over you. Our kids know what to look for in a spouse, and you aren't it.

I can better than “pretty much” guarantee as I’m happily married to a man who would never allow his parents to interfere in our household. You will be cut off and here complaining about how you never did anything wrong before long.