Red Flags- Children’s SO

[Anonymous]

You can get physical attributes fixed with a make over by a plastic surgeon, make up artist, dentist or fitness coach but a crooked mind or hard heart aren’t easy to fix. Same goes for education and income, that status can change but low IQ or financial irresponsibility are hard to change. Drug, alcohol, gambling, debt collecting are also tough to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously abuse, drugs, criminal history are clear signs but what other issues do you consider a red flag in an adult child’s SO, worthy enough to voice your concern?

Anti-social tendencies
Mental illness and disorders (Bipolar, NPD, DPD)
Parents Divorced
Financial habits - Overspending, in debt, student debt, no savings , does not contribute the maximum to meet employer match
Lack of adulting skills
Low EQ, low self-esteem, unpleasant personality
Poor physical health or medical history
Unattractive
Does not treat my adult child well.
Baggage and previous relationships
Education Level
No future plans

You are a shit person. that's all.

???..list seems reasonable to me.

Same here. Wish I had understood about ADD and/or heeded the red flags about his financial irresponsibility before I said yes. He’s very handsome and well-educated though.

[Anonymous]

Does IQ really matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously abuse, drugs, criminal history are clear signs but what other issues do you consider a red flag in an adult child’s SO, worthy enough to voice your concern?

Anti-social tendencies
Mental illness and disorders (Bipolar, NPD, DPD)
Parents Divorced
Financial habits - Overspending, in debt, student debt, no savings , does not contribute the maximum to meet employer match
Lack of adulting skills
Low EQ, low self-esteem, unpleasant personality
Poor physical health or medical history
Unattractive
Does not treat my adult child well.
Baggage and previous relationships
Education Level
No future plans

You are a shit person. that's all.

???..list seems reasonable to me.

Same here. Wish I had understood about ADD and/or heeded the red flags about his financial irresponsibility before I said yes. He’s very handsome and well-educated though.

How old were you and how long you dated? Not asking to judge but to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if SO is fine but comes from a family filled with drugs,debt, drama or other problems. Family problems are bound to engulf or at least effect SO and by association your child.

Would you care to elaborate, in a more mature and nuanced way, what you mean by “drama”? Are you a “Real Housewife of Potomac”?

It sounds very clear unless reader is trying to be obtuse because it’s hitting a nerve.

Would you consider student debt to be "drama"?
Would you consider anxiety or depression to be "drama"?
How about severe allergies or chronic illness?
How about being a different religion?
Keeping kosher or other religious practices that might be "dramatic" for hosting/visiting/holidays?
Being from another country and having parents living overseas--is that "drama"?
Being a recovering alcoholic or drug addict--someone who has been clean for a decade--is that "drama"?
Having a parent who has a tough illness or mental illness?

Is anything "drama" that makes life a little messy, a little uncomfortable, a little complex at times? Just wondering.

I think you're putting words in the other poster's mouth. But you need to consider that some things ARE indeed worthy of consideration.

A close friend of ours married a woman who was diagnosed with a long-term, degenerative illness that was diagnosed about 2 weeks before their wedding. While he loved the woman, his life was incredibly difficult and I know he wished he had taken some time at the front-end and pushed back the wedding date. It would have helped him decide if he could handle the marriage for the long course AND he would have been better able to get a support system set up if that had been his choice. Instead he felt pressured by the fact that the wedding was planned, all that money spent, and that he would look like a lout if he said "wait a second, let's think this out." I'm not saying people with chronic or long-term degenerative illnesses shouldn't marry but I am saying that people really need to think it through. That isn't drama, that's common sense.

The same argument can be made for recovering addicts or people with mental illness. Proceed with caution. Know what you're getting into, know how much you can handle, and how much you can take. Love, while wonderful, doesn't conquer all when it is 3 am and you're dealing with an alcoholic on the verge of relapse.

Wow. So if she had gotten her diagnosis two weeks after the wedding, no big deal? He wouldn't so much have "looked like a lout" if he didn't go through with the wedding so much as he would have been an irredeemable lout if he had not gone through with it. You either want to be with someone for life, or you don't.

Yeah, you're right, after the wedding you're stuck. Too bad he didn't stop the train before the wedding. In your case, you don't know what you're talking about in terms of "want to be with someone for life, or you don't" and I hope you never learn. He didn't have a life until his wife died. The first year was okay but the next 16 were incredibly difficult, especially since by that time they had a kid (she was 3 months pregnant when they married and it was a problem with the pregnancy that caused all the testing that told them about the illness). That child never learned what it meant to have a typical life in a normal family. What he did learn was that he always had to be quiet, that mommy never felt well, and that no one could play with him because they had to take care of mommy.

Too bad he didn’t not only dump her, but didn’t convince her to abort the child, eh? You’re a real gem.

[Anonymous]

manipulative/coercive/controlling (threats to break up etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There would need to be some signs of clear manipulation and/or abuse. Emotional abuse counts.

No one wants to break up with someone because their mommy doesn't like that person. So how you voice your concern is really important. Asking questions about future plans, how XYZ that your child cares about figures into that plan, how money is being used in the relationship etc. You want to help your kid see the person is a mess without you coming out and saying "this person is a mess".

My sister went Ivy league and dated a high school drop out for awhile. My mom embraced this man with open arms despite HUGE RED FLAGS all over. But she also asked about his future, his plans for a GED and community college, his employment hopes etc. All in a kind way. She let my sister see a path towards this relationship working. But guess what?! The dude was a dud and my incredibly smart sister did see that all on her own. My mom helped guide her there without criticizing this guy. It was a masterclass in how to handle it really.

Amen.

Saw this with my brothers and how my parents handled things or people he brought home in the summers.

Ask the right questions the right way, to your adult kid.

Yeah this strategy doesn't always work. I know of a situation where the parents did ALL those things in a kind way too, and the adult child got married anyway. That marriage has introduced felons, violent criminal offenders and gun nuts into the extended family. Not the kind of people you'd want babysitting your grandkids, but they do since they are all one big happy family now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about people who go from relationship to relationship and one divorce to next. Do they not see the red flags or does others not see theirs? Is it easier to divorce if your parents, siblings or BFFs are divorced or if you yourself had a divorce?

I always wonder about this, too. If you are dating a serial dater or serial divorcee, why do you think it will be different with you? What do you think that you will bring to the table to break the other person's cycle? I don't really think it is possible tbh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if SO is fine but comes from a family filled with drugs,debt, drama or other problems. Family problems are bound to engulf or at least effect SO and by association your child.

Would you care to elaborate, in a more mature and nuanced way, what you mean by “drama”? Are you a “Real Housewife of Potomac”?

It sounds very clear unless reader is trying to be obtuse because it’s hitting a nerve.

Would you consider student debt to be "drama"?
Would you consider anxiety or depression to be "drama"?
How about severe allergies or chronic illness?
How about being a different religion?
Keeping kosher or other religious practices that might be "dramatic" for hosting/visiting/holidays?
Being from another country and having parents living overseas--is that "drama"?
Being a recovering alcoholic or drug addict--someone who has been clean for a decade--is that "drama"?
Having a parent who has a tough illness or mental illness?

Is anything "drama" that makes life a little messy, a little uncomfortable, a little complex at times? Just wondering.

I think you're putting words in the other poster's mouth. But you need to consider that some things ARE indeed worthy of consideration.

A close friend of ours married a woman who was diagnosed with a long-term, degenerative illness that was diagnosed about 2 weeks before their wedding. While he loved the woman, his life was incredibly difficult and I know he wished he had taken some time at the front-end and pushed back the wedding date. It would have helped him decide if he could handle the marriage for the long course AND he would have been better able to get a support system set up if that had been his choice. Instead he felt pressured by the fact that the wedding was planned, all that money spent, and that he would look like a lout if he said "wait a second, let's think this out." I'm not saying people with chronic or long-term degenerative illnesses shouldn't marry but I am saying that people really need to think it through. That isn't drama, that's common sense.

The same argument can be made for recovering addicts or people with mental illness. Proceed with caution. Know what you're getting into, know how much you can handle, and how much you can take. Love, while wonderful, doesn't conquer all when it is 3 am and you're dealing with an alcoholic on the verge of relapse.

Wow. So if she had gotten her diagnosis two weeks after the wedding, no big deal? He wouldn't so much have "looked like a lout" if he didn't go through with the wedding so much as he would have been an irredeemable lout if he had not gone through with it. You either want to be with someone for life, or you don't.

Yeah, you're right, after the wedding you're stuck. Too bad he didn't stop the train before the wedding. In your case, you don't know what you're talking about in terms of "want to be with someone for life, or you don't" and I hope you never learn. He didn't have a life until his wife died. The first year was okay but the next 16 were incredibly difficult, especially since by that time they had a kid (she was 3 months pregnant when they married and it was a problem with the pregnancy that caused all the testing that told them about the illness). That child never learned what it meant to have a typical life in a normal family. What he did learn was that he always had to be quiet, that mommy never felt well, and that no one could play with him because they had to take care of mommy.

Too bad he didn’t not only dump her, but didn’t convince her to abort the child, eh? You’re a real gem.

Um, no, abortion was never on the table. If they hadn't married, though, then he would have been able to apply for permanent full-time custody and give the child a better life than what he had. That would have been a big win for the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does IQ really matter?

Oh god! 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There would need to be some signs of clear manipulation and/or abuse. Emotional abuse counts.

No one wants to break up with someone because their mommy doesn't like that person. So how you voice your concern is really important. Asking questions about future plans, how XYZ that your child cares about figures into that plan, how money is being used in the relationship etc. You want to help your kid see the person is a mess without you coming out and saying "this person is a mess".

My sister went Ivy league and dated a high school drop out for awhile. My mom embraced this man with open arms despite HUGE RED FLAGS all over. But she also asked about his future, his plans for a GED and community college, his employment hopes etc. All in a kind way. She let my sister see a path towards this relationship working. But guess what?! The dude was a dud and my incredibly smart sister did see that all on her own. My mom helped guide her there without criticizing this guy. It was a masterclass in how to handle it really.

Amen.

Saw this with my brothers and how my parents handled things or people he brought home in the summers.

Ask the right questions the right way, to your adult kid.

Yeah this strategy doesn't always work. I know of a situation where the parents did ALL those things in a kind way too, and the adult child got married anyway. That marriage has introduced felons, violent criminal offenders and gun nuts into the extended family. Not the kind of people you'd want babysitting your grandkids, but they do since they are all one big happy family now.

So if the parents would have brought up their concerns in a different way or gone so far as to forbid their adult child to get married or something, then the adult child would have dropped the person? But because the parents were kind about it, they chose to proceed with the wedding? Sometimes you just can't control the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if SO is fine but comes from a family filled with drugs,debt, drama or other problems. Family problems are bound to engulf or at least effect SO and by association your child.

Would you care to elaborate, in a more mature and nuanced way, what you mean by “drama”? Are you a “Real Housewife of Potomac”?

It sounds very clear unless reader is trying to be obtuse because it’s hitting a nerve.

Would you consider student debt to be "drama"?
Would you consider anxiety or depression to be "drama"?
How about severe allergies or chronic illness?
How about being a different religion?
Keeping kosher or other religious practices that might be "dramatic" for hosting/visiting/holidays?
Being from another country and having parents living overseas--is that "drama"?
Being a recovering alcoholic or drug addict--someone who has been clean for a decade--is that "drama"?
Having a parent who has a tough illness or mental illness?

Is anything "drama" that makes life a little messy, a little uncomfortable, a little complex at times? Just wondering.

I think you're putting words in the other poster's mouth. But you need to consider that some things ARE indeed worthy of consideration.

A close friend of ours married a woman who was diagnosed with a long-term, degenerative illness that was diagnosed about 2 weeks before their wedding. While he loved the woman, his life was incredibly difficult and I know he wished he had taken some time at the front-end and pushed back the wedding date. It would have helped him decide if he could handle the marriage for the long course AND he would have been better able to get a support system set up if that had been his choice. Instead he felt pressured by the fact that the wedding was planned, all that money spent, and that he would look like a lout if he said "wait a second, let's think this out." I'm not saying people with chronic or long-term degenerative illnesses shouldn't marry but I am saying that people really need to think it through. That isn't drama, that's common sense.

The same argument can be made for recovering addicts or people with mental illness. Proceed with caution. Know what you're getting into, know how much you can handle, and how much you can take. Love, while wonderful, doesn't conquer all when it is 3 am and you're dealing with an alcoholic on the verge of relapse.

Wow. So if she had gotten her diagnosis two weeks after the wedding, no big deal? He wouldn't so much have "looked like a lout" if he didn't go through with the wedding so much as he would have been an irredeemable lout if he had not gone through with it. You either want to be with someone for life, or you don't.

Yeah, you're right, after the wedding you're stuck. Too bad he didn't stop the train before the wedding. In your case, you don't know what you're talking about in terms of "want to be with someone for life, or you don't" and I hope you never learn. He didn't have a life until his wife died. The first year was okay but the next 16 were incredibly difficult, especially since by that time they had a kid (she was 3 months pregnant when they married and it was a problem with the pregnancy that caused all the testing that told them about the illness). That child never learned what it meant to have a typical life in a normal family. What he did learn was that he always had to be quiet, that mommy never felt well, and that no one could play with him because they had to take care of mommy.

Too bad he didn’t not only dump her, but didn’t convince her to abort the child, eh? You’re a real gem.

Um, no, abortion was never on the table. If they hadn't married, though, then he would have been able to apply for permanent full-time custody and give the child a better life than what he had. That would have been a big win for the kid.

Wow. So you would rather he abandon the woman he decided he would be with in sickness and in health, let her fend for herself, AND fight to take HER CHILD away from her, so that he could “have a life”??

You are sick. You really think the child would have had a better life never seeing his mom, knowing dad *abandoned* his mom, and having dad bring around multiple women who, hey, at least aren’t diseased??

Hopefully the child learned that you treat women, and especially your wife, with kindness, dignity, and respect, rather than bail when life gets tough. Better than yet another jerk who only thinks about his own needs and has no problem disposing of women once they stop being convenient.

Your friend presumably had months/years to figure out if he could handle marriage. Everyone with more than a handful of brain cells knows there is always a risk your partner could become ill, and they figure out if they can handle that *before* they set the wedding date. There’s nothing magical about a specific date with a party and signed document.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if SO is fine but comes from a family filled with drugs,debt, drama or other problems. Family problems are bound to engulf or at least effect SO and by association your child.

Would you care to elaborate, in a more mature and nuanced way, what you mean by “drama”? Are you a “Real Housewife of Potomac”?

It sounds very clear unless reader is trying to be obtuse because it’s hitting a nerve.

Would you consider student debt to be "drama"?
Would you consider anxiety or depression to be "drama"?
How about severe allergies or chronic illness?
How about being a different religion?
Keeping kosher or other religious practices that might be "dramatic" for hosting/visiting/holidays?
Being from another country and having parents living overseas--is that "drama"?
Being a recovering alcoholic or drug addict--someone who has been clean for a decade--is that "drama"?
Having a parent who has a tough illness or mental illness?

Is anything "drama" that makes life a little messy, a little uncomfortable, a little complex at times? Just wondering.

I think you're putting words in the other poster's mouth. But you need to consider that some things ARE indeed worthy of consideration.

A close friend of ours married a woman who was diagnosed with a long-term, degenerative illness that was diagnosed about 2 weeks before their wedding. While he loved the woman, his life was incredibly difficult and I know he wished he had taken some time at the front-end and pushed back the wedding date. It would have helped him decide if he could handle the marriage for the long course AND he would have been better able to get a support system set up if that had been his choice. Instead he felt pressured by the fact that the wedding was planned, all that money spent, and that he would look like a lout if he said "wait a second, let's think this out." I'm not saying people with chronic or long-term degenerative illnesses shouldn't marry but I am saying that people really need to think it through. That isn't drama, that's common sense.

The same argument can be made for recovering addicts or people with mental illness. Proceed with caution. Know what you're getting into, know how much you can handle, and how much you can take. Love, while wonderful, doesn't conquer all when it is 3 am and you're dealing with an alcoholic on the verge of relapse.

Wow. So if she had gotten her diagnosis two weeks after the wedding, no big deal? He wouldn't so much have "looked like a lout" if he didn't go through with the wedding so much as he would have been an irredeemable lout if he had not gone through with it. You either want to be with someone for life, or you don't.

Yeah, you're right, after the wedding you're stuck. Too bad he didn't stop the train before the wedding. In your case, you don't know what you're talking about in terms of "want to be with someone for life, or you don't" and I hope you never learn. He didn't have a life until his wife died. The first year was okay but the next 16 were incredibly difficult, especially since by that time they had a kid (she was 3 months pregnant when they married and it was a problem with the pregnancy that caused all the testing that told them about the illness). That child never learned what it meant to have a typical life in a normal family. What he did learn was that he always had to be quiet, that mommy never felt well, and that no one could play with him because they had to take care of mommy.

Too bad he didn’t not only dump her, but didn’t convince her to abort the child, eh? You’re a real gem.

Um, no, abortion was never on the table. If they hadn't married, though, then he would have been able to apply for permanent full-time custody and give the child a better life than what he had. That would have been a big win for the kid.

So it would have been “better for the kid” to not have as much time as he possibly could have with his soon-to-be-dead mother? Would have been better for the mother, too, to not have full custody and every possible second with her baby?

You keep getting better and better.

[Anonymous]

It’s crazy how insensitive and cruel humans can be. Manipulation in name of good intention is control, no matter how you label it. It’s not much different than mentally sick parents locking kids into basement to keep them safe or medieval parents forcing cousin marriages to keep ancestral land in their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Signs that the individual is a gold digger. Plans to quit working as soon as she is married, expensive hobbies and unrealistic expectations about life together and living standard.

I am now describing my brother's wife. Buyer beware.

For my MIL, plans to keep working after marriage/kids are a red flag. I think she wishes I was more of a gold digger.

DP. In our family we would welcome you with open arms. We have a gold digger. It isn't pretty.

I’m chuckling at you bitter old prunes—you’re jealous because you aren’t hot enough to be gold diggers. Smart, successful men know what they’re getting, and guess what they want? Hot ass.

I'm sorry you have such little inherent self-worth. Must be tough going through life that way. Hugs.