Red Flags- Children’s SO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if SO is fine but comes from a family filled with drugs,debt, drama or other problems. Family problems are bound to engulf or at least effect SO and by association your child.

Would you care to elaborate, in a more mature and nuanced way, what you mean by “drama”? Are you a “Real Housewife of Potomac”?

It sounds very clear unless reader is trying to be obtuse because it’s hitting a nerve.

Would you consider student debt to be "drama"?
Would you consider anxiety or depression to be "drama"?
How about severe allergies or chronic illness?
How about being a different religion?
Keeping kosher or other religious practices that might be "dramatic" for hosting/visiting/holidays?
Being from another country and having parents living overseas--is that "drama"?
Being a recovering alcoholic or drug addict--someone who has been clean for a decade--is that "drama"?
Having a parent who has a tough illness or mental illness?

Is anything "drama" that makes life a little messy, a little uncomfortable, a little complex at times? Just wondering.

I think you're putting words in the other poster's mouth. But you need to consider that some things ARE indeed worthy of consideration.

A close friend of ours married a woman who was diagnosed with a long-term, degenerative illness that was diagnosed about 2 weeks before their wedding. While he loved the woman, his life was incredibly difficult and I know he wished he had taken some time at the front-end and pushed back the wedding date. It would have helped him decide if he could handle the marriage for the long course AND he would have been better able to get a support system set up if that had been his choice. Instead he felt pressured by the fact that the wedding was planned, all that money spent, and that he would look like a lout if he said "wait a second, let's think this out." I'm not saying people with chronic or long-term degenerative illnesses shouldn't marry but I am saying that people really need to think it through. That isn't drama, that's common sense.

The same argument can be made for recovering addicts or people with mental illness. Proceed with caution. Know what you're getting into, know how much you can handle, and how much you can take. Love, while wonderful, doesn't conquer all when it is 3 am and you're dealing with an alcoholic on the verge of relapse.

Wow. So if she had gotten her diagnosis two weeks after the wedding, no big deal? He wouldn't so much have "looked like a lout" if he didn't go through with the wedding so much as he would have been an irredeemable lout if he had not gone through with it. You either want to be with someone for life, or you don't.

Yeah, you're right, after the wedding you're stuck. Too bad he didn't stop the train before the wedding. In your case, you don't know what you're talking about in terms of "want to be with someone for life, or you don't" and I hope you never learn. He didn't have a life until his wife died. The first year was okay but the next 16 were incredibly difficult, especially since by that time they had a kid (she was 3 months pregnant when they married and it was a problem with the pregnancy that caused all the testing that told them about the illness). That child never learned what it meant to have a typical life in a normal family. What he did learn was that he always had to be quiet, that mommy never felt well, and that no one could play with him because they had to take care of mommy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously abuse, drugs, criminal history are clear signs but what other issues do you consider a red flag in an adult child’s SO, worthy enough to voice your concern?

Red flags that bit me or my friends in the @$$:
Mental disorders
Misogyny
Narcissism
Zero conflict resolution skills
Inability to have meaningful conversations once in awhile.
Avoidance of decision making (this can be a sneaky one but once you see it you cannot unsee it!)
Bad hygiene habits - Landry, crumbs, using soap, brushing teeth when wake up/ not hours later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if SO is fine but comes from a family filled with drugs,debt, drama or other problems. Family problems are bound to engulf or at least effect SO and by association your child.

Would you care to elaborate, in a more mature and nuanced way, what you mean by “drama”? Are you a “Real Housewife of Potomac”?

It sounds very clear unless reader is trying to be obtuse because it’s hitting a nerve.

Would you consider student debt to be "drama"?
Would you consider anxiety or depression to be "drama"?
How about severe allergies or chronic illness?
How about being a different religion?
Keeping kosher or other religious practices that might be "dramatic" for hosting/visiting/holidays?
Being from another country and having parents living overseas--is that "drama"?
Being a recovering alcoholic or drug addict--someone who has been clean for a decade--is that "drama"?
Having a parent who has a tough illness or mental illness?

Is anything "drama" that makes life a little messy, a little uncomfortable, a little complex at times? Just wondering.

I think you're putting words in the other poster's mouth. But you need to consider that some things ARE indeed worthy of consideration.

A close friend of ours married a woman who was diagnosed with a long-term, degenerative illness that was diagnosed about 2 weeks before their wedding. While he loved the woman, his life was incredibly difficult and I know he wished he had taken some time at the front-end and pushed back the wedding date. It would have helped him decide if he could handle the marriage for the long course AND he would have been better able to get a support system set up if that had been his choice. Instead he felt pressured by the fact that the wedding was planned, all that money spent, and that he would look like a lout if he said "wait a second, let's think this out." I'm not saying people with chronic or long-term degenerative illnesses shouldn't marry but I am saying that people really need to think it through. That isn't drama, that's common sense.

The same argument can be made for recovering addicts or people with mental illness. Proceed with caution. Know what you're getting into, know how much you can handle, and how much you can take. Love, while wonderful, doesn't conquer all when it is 3 am and you're dealing with an alcoholic on the verge of relapse[b].

This.
SIL married a guy with mental health issues. Well, it doesn't hurt that his parents are loaded and they pretty much finance their household - otherwise, I don't know how she would have coped.
On second thought, she probably wouldn't have married the dude without his parents' money.

[Anonymous]

Controlling behavior is a huge red flag to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously abuse, drugs, criminal history are clear signs but what other issues do you consider a red flag in an adult child’s SO, worthy enough to voice your concern?

Anti-social tendencies
Mental illness and disorders (Bipolar, NPD, DPD)
Parents Divorced
Financial habits - Overspending, in debt, student debt, no savings , does not contribute the maximum to meet employer match
Lack of adulting skills
Low EQ, low self-esteem, unpleasant personality
Poor physical health or medical history
Unattractive
Does not treat my adult child well.
Baggage and previous relationships
Education Level
No future plans

LOL! It’s funny. This mythical perfect mate who is a healthy, wealthy, beautiful, sexy, modest, intelligent, high achieving, confident, pleasant mannered, financially disciplined, virgin from a wealthy, educated, stable family … probably doesn’t even exists.

What you wrote has nothing to do with the list provided.

The list provided represents red flags or values or habits.

It’s about who you can build a real future with. Not a chaotic downward spiral with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There would need to be some signs of clear manipulation and/or abuse. Emotional abuse counts.

No one wants to break up with someone because their mommy doesn't like that person. So how you voice your concern is really important. Asking questions about future plans, how XYZ that your child cares about figures into that plan, how money is being used in the relationship etc. You want to help your kid see the person is a mess without you coming out and saying "this person is a mess".

My sister went Ivy league and dated a high school drop out for awhile. My mom embraced this man with open arms despite HUGE RED FLAGS all over. But she also asked about his future, his plans for a GED and community college, his employment hopes etc. All in a kind way. She let my sister see a path towards this relationship working. But guess what?! The dude was a dud and my incredibly smart sister did see that all on her own. My mom helped guide her there without criticizing this guy. It was a masterclass in how to handle it really.

Amen.

Saw this with my brothers and how my parents handled things or people he brought home in the summers.

Ask the right questions the right way, to your adult kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously abuse, drugs, criminal history are clear signs but what other issues do you consider a red flag in an adult child’s SO, worthy enough to voice your concern?

Anti-social tendencies
Mental illness and disorders (Bipolar, NPD, DPD)
Parents Divorced
Financial habits - Overspending, in debt, student debt, no savings , does not contribute the maximum to meet employer match
Lack of adulting skills
Low EQ, low self-esteem, unpleasant personality
Poor physical health or medical history
Unattractive
Does not treat my adult child well.
Baggage and previous relationships
Education Level
No future plans

I'm trying to picture how you get all this information. Handing the SO a survey when you first meet them? An interrogation like in the movie Meet The Parents?

Same. I'd love to witness the conversation where pp tells her child their So isn't attractive enough. So many of these posters are delusional. Funny thing is they all probably complain about nightmare inlaws, yet they are shaping up to be exactly that.

Unattractive like hasn’t been to the dentist in years, overweight and smelly, dont launder their clothes much, car is a dump . Yeah, that’s unattractive.

Big forehead, gummy smile, asymmetric face, crooked but clean teeth, lazy eye, big nose, acne everywhere— that’s a matter of preference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously abuse, drugs, criminal history are clear signs but what other issues do you consider a red flag in an adult child’s SO, worthy enough to voice your concern?

Red flags that bit me or my friends in the @$$:
Mental disorders
Misogyny
Narcissism
Zero conflict resolution skills
Inability to have meaningful conversations once in awhile.
Avoidance of decision making (this can be a sneaky one but once you see it you cannot unsee it!)
Bad hygiene habits - Landry, crumbs, using soap, brushing teeth when wake up/ not hours later

That’s why it’s important to date for a year and live together before you commit. That’s what makes college dorm relationships great as you get to know the person in every way and know if you love them with their weaknesses and strengths or not.

[Anonymous]

It seems more picky people are in picking a mate, more likely they are in getting a divorce because either they aren’t satisfied or other person discovers their flaws.

[Anonymous]

Marrying late really makes one more picky and ridged but then they end up settling in desperation which leads to bad decisions and ugly outcomes.

[Anonymous]

What about people who go from relationship to relationship and one divorce to next. Do they not see the red flags or does others not see theirs? Is it easier to divorce if your parents, siblings or BFFs are divorced or if you yourself had a divorce?

[Anonymous]

Op, I find it odd to establish a list. Unhealthy.

If you see a concern, you speak up. You don't go looking for something.

[Anonymous]

No college education, family with history of alcohol and drug abuse. Yes, it sounds elitist. I am an immigrant, I busted my butt to get where I am. So did my parents. We were all college educated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No college education, family with history of alcohol and drug abuse. Yes, it sounds elitist. I am an immigrant, I busted my butt to get where I am. So did my parents. We were all college educated.

What if gal or guy is college educated but not financially stable or family oriented?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I find it odd to establish a list. Unhealthy.

If you see a concern, you speak up. You don't go looking for something.

Good advice. If you’ll try to look for flaws, you’ll find some in the best people as well. Do look for love and respect in their eyes for your “child” and in his/her eyes for them, rest will take care of itself.