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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sure, not everyone regrets it.  But here's the thing, OP and defensive divorced people, that you need to understand.  Divorced and remarried parents are not reliable narrators.  And in these kinds of families, people actively deceive themselves and each other about their true feelings.  People don't like to admit, even to themselves, that their choices haven't worked out or that their children and their partner don't get along.  And if I were a step-parent (which I hope never to do) I'd probably pretend to be happier than I actually was because the alternative would be a lot of drama.  I'm an ACOD and I pretend to be fine with my parents' new partners because that's easiest for me.  But I actually think they both are a pain and bring lots of problems into the family, and I don't think they feel any better about me.  We're all pretending for the sake of the person we love, who wants to have all of us in their lives.

So, OP and others, listen to us ACOD.  We've had a front-row seat in all of this.  Yes it sometimes works out okay if everyone tries really hard and the family has some money and some good luck.  But these kinds of families are a higher level of difficulty and they are fragile.  When they're hard, they're really hard-- and hardship can pop up at anytime even when the stepchildren are adults.  Listen to us ACOD who tell you that even in the best-case scenario, when everyone genuinely tries and is kind, is still pretty unappealing after you've seen it up close.[/quote]

But the same is true about biological families. Many people chose their spouse poorly and their kids grow up with toxic dynamics. The parents tell themselves they are fine and hiding that toxicity from the kids for their sake but they aren’t. Research shows that the kids who do the worst are those from in tact but high conflict marriages. Just don’t act like what you describe above is limited to biological families.[/quote]

"First marriages can be awful too" is not a very persuasive rationale for marrying someone with kids.  And in a biological family, at least you're dealing with one household.  No back-and-forthing the kids, no annoying new partners or stepsiblings.  No spending money on two homes.  No second divorces.  And no matter how bad the parents are, at least they're your parents.  The step-relationship is a fragile bond and doesn't do well when tested.

People who make the wrong choice with the first marriage often make the wrong choice with the second marriage too.[/quote]

I’m not saying it takes away from added challenges of blended families, but only that very major challenges that are scarring can be present in biological families too—and sometimes these are worse. There isn’t a black and white one size fits all answer to these questions. Statistically the blended family will be harder. But not always and for everyone. Also, many people learn from their mistakes in their first marriages and go on to have and model better relationships later on. Again, not always, but this is also an outcome.

I know many people who were quite screwed up by their in tact biological families. Maybe another example would have been beneficial. When my dad remarried, I actually struggled the most because of my biological mother who was angry and resentful. And took things out on me. My dad and stepmom were a respite from that.

And to the poster above with the adult kids who still resent her mom (their stepmom), what immature excuses they hold. They would have likely grown up to be sour no matter what. My dad does at a young age. I don’t take Thai out on my mom’s partner now… so odd![/quote]

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