Is your DH capable of caretaking?

[Anonymous]

I had three C-sections and a couple of other surgeries and my husband was always a big help though the household didn’t run as smoothly as it might if he was the patient. I’m a big planner so I always got things organized and he was very good at making it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

By your own telling, you had a cold. Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold. I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off. I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor. You husband acted completely rationally.

This. I was going to say the same. No way would i hang up a work call unless an emergency.

The point is, he did not even bother to ascertain whether or not it was an emergency, he just flat out ignored the fact that someone was asking for him. If the situations were reversed, I would have put my work call on hold for the five seconds it would have taken to figure out who needed what, and either tell them that you will help them after your call, or tell work that you had to take care of something and you will have to hop off for 10 minutes. He did not even bother to do that, he just heard that someone was calling (either a sick spouse, or a kid that needed help), and he proceeded with his work call as if nothing had happened. There is a way to balance competing demands on one's time - but my DH does not have that capability.

An emergency? You have a cold! Why would he even think it was an emergency? And yes, he is allowed to "flat out ignore" you asking for him because you are not entitled to his attention whenever you want it.

It sounds like your husband very much knows how to balance competing demands on his time, but you just don't like the way he balances it.

Let me ask you, OP. Do you work? And if so, are you relatively equal in financial contribution to the home?

Again, I was not the one who called him - DC did, who was waiting for him to talk to the Dr. as previously agreed upon. He just "thought" it was me, but never bothered to actually find out, even though he was supposed to handle the Dr. appointment today, and he knew what time that was. And by "calling", I don't mean a phone call - I mean DC coming down the stairs, poking their head into his office and asking him to come upstairs for the appointment, which he clearly ignored, because he "thought" it was me. He was facing away from the door at the time, so he only heard that someone asked him to come. Why he thought it would be me, I have no idea. I was fast asleep at the time. I only found out about it when I asked him that afternoon what the Dr. said. Wow, reading comprehension would be a good skill to cultivate, you guys. Also, it could have been any kind of emergency, completely unrelated to my cold. I could have fallen and broken my ankle. Or burnt myself on the stove. Or whatever. That is not the point. How hard is it to say "hey, I am on a call, is this urgent?" or conversely, ask the other party to hold one second while I answer a quick question, instead of just ignoring it flat out. I mean, don't you guys ever have people stop by your office when you are on another call, and then you mute your phone for a minute to see if this is something I can deal with in 10 seconds or less, or just tell the person you will get back to them later? How is that an unreasonable expectation? It's not like I nag him 15 times a day about trivial stuff - I have my own full plate at work to manage, so if I tell him something, or ask him something, chances are, it's important and relevant.

Also, yes, I do work, and I am on more than equal footing with DH career and money wise, although I fail to see what that has to do with anything. Except I am also the default parent, but it is OK for him to blow off family for work - just not for me apparently, not even when I am sick and when I specifically asked him to take care of this one appointment.

Sounds like you are more of a danger to yourself than your DH! You really sound like someone prone to freaking out. Do you think that perhaps your tendency to overreact has created this bad dynamic? Or is at all your DH's fault? Do you think that maybe if you tried to reduce your anxiety that he might be more accommodating of your needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

By your own telling, you had a cold. Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold. I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off. I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor. You husband acted completely rationally.

This. I was going to say the same. No way would i hang up a work call unless an emergency.

The point is, he did not even bother to ascertain whether or not it was an emergency, he just flat out ignored the fact that someone was asking for him. If the situations were reversed, I would have put my work call on hold for the five seconds it would have taken to figure out who needed what, and either tell them that you will help them after your call, or tell work that you had to take care of something and you will have to hop off for 10 minutes. He did not even bother to do that, he just heard that someone was calling (either a sick spouse, or a kid that needed help), and he proceeded with his work call as if nothing had happened. There is a way to balance competing demands on one's time - but my DH does not have that capability.

An emergency? You have a cold! Why would he even think it was an emergency? And yes, he is allowed to "flat out ignore" you asking for him because you are not entitled to his attention whenever you want it.

It sounds like your husband very much knows how to balance competing demands on his time, but you just don't like the way he balances it.

Let me ask you, OP. Do you work? And if so, are you relatively equal in financial contribution to the home?

Again, I was not the one who called him - DC did, who was waiting for him to talk to the Dr. as previously agreed upon. He just "thought" it was me, but never bothered to actually find out, even though he was supposed to handle the Dr. appointment today, and he knew what time that was. And by "calling", I don't mean a phone call - I mean DC coming down the stairs, poking their head into his office and asking him to come upstairs for the appointment, which he clearly ignored, because he "thought" it was me. He was facing away from the door at the time, so he only heard that someone asked him to come. Why he thought it would be me, I have no idea. I was fast asleep at the time. I only found out about it when I asked him that afternoon what the Dr. said. Wow, reading comprehension would be a good skill to cultivate, you guys. Also, it could have been any kind of emergency, completely unrelated to my cold. I could have fallen and broken my ankle. Or burnt myself on the stove. Or whatever. That is not the point. How hard is it to say "hey, I am on a call, is this urgent?" or conversely, ask the other party to hold one second while I answer a quick question, instead of just ignoring it flat out. I mean, don't you guys ever have people stop by your office when you are on another call, and then you mute your phone for a minute to see if this is something I can deal with in 10 seconds or less, or just tell the person you will get back to them later? How is that an unreasonable expectation? It's not like I nag him 15 times a day about trivial stuff - I have my own full plate at work to manage, so if I tell him something, or ask him something, chances are, it's important and relevant.

Also, yes, I do work, and I am on more than equal footing with DH career and money wise, although I fail to see what that has to do with anything. Except I am also the default parent, but it is OK for him to blow off family for work - just not for me apparently, not even when I am sick and when I specifically asked him to take care of this one appointment.

Lord, Op, you just keep digging deeper. To the bolded, no I literally have never said on a work call in my entire life "can you hold on a second" to the person I'm talking to, or muted to say "hey, i'm on a call, is this urgent". Why? Because first, my priority is my job from 9-6 every day. And second, because no one in my life has ever interrupted me during a work call, because they respect my time. And third, because in the 20 years I've been working, literally there has never once been an emergency during a work call. Because things like that just don't happen. Sure, with DH and I both working from home, we have moments of sign language to communicate simple things during our calls. But interrupt such that the person on the other end of the call knows you're talking to someone else? Uh no.

The fact that you're saying that this is normal suggests, yet again, that you are insanely high drama, high maintenance and your DH struggles to deal with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse would be just fine: maybe a little more pizza delivery and a little less dishes and laundry than me, but probably less stressed and more fun. However, we are a 2 woman couple.

Same for my DH. Not my way, but they’d be fine and he’d take care of me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

By your own telling, you had a cold. Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold. I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off. I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor. You husband acted completely rationally.

This. I was going to say the same. No way would i hang up a work call unless an emergency.

The point is, he did not even bother to ascertain whether or not it was an emergency, he just flat out ignored the fact that someone was asking for him. If the situations were reversed, I would have put my work call on hold for the five seconds it would have taken to figure out who needed what, and either tell them that you will help them after your call, or tell work that you had to take care of something and you will have to hop off for 10 minutes. He did not even bother to do that, he just heard that someone was calling (either a sick spouse, or a kid that needed help), and he proceeded with his work call as if nothing had happened. There is a way to balance competing demands on one's time - but my DH does not have that capability.

An emergency? You have a cold! Why would he even think it was an emergency? And yes, he is allowed to "flat out ignore" you asking for him because you are not entitled to his attention whenever you want it.

It sounds like your husband very much knows how to balance competing demands on his time, but you just don't like the way he balances it.

Let me ask you, OP. Do you work? And if so, are you relatively equal in financial contribution to the home?

Again, I was not the one who called him - DC did, who was waiting for him to talk to the Dr. as previously agreed upon. He just "thought" it was me, but never bothered to actually find out, even though he was supposed to handle the Dr. appointment today, and he knew what time that was. And by "calling", I don't mean a phone call - I mean DC coming down the stairs, poking their head into his office and asking him to come upstairs for the appointment, which he clearly ignored, because he "thought" it was me. He was facing away from the door at the time, so he only heard that someone asked him to come. Why he thought it would be me, I have no idea. I was fast asleep at the time. I only found out about it when I asked him that afternoon what the Dr. said. Wow, reading comprehension would be a good skill to cultivate, you guys. Also, it could have been any kind of emergency, completely unrelated to my cold. I could have fallen and broken my ankle. Or burnt myself on the stove. Or whatever. That is not the point. How hard is it to say "hey, I am on a call, is this urgent?" or conversely, ask the other party to hold one second while I answer a quick question, instead of just ignoring it flat out. I mean, don't you guys ever have people stop by your office when you are on another call, and then you mute your phone for a minute to see if this is something I can deal with in 10 seconds or less, or just tell the person you will get back to them later? How is that an unreasonable expectation? It's not like I nag him 15 times a day about trivial stuff - I have my own full plate at work to manage, so if I tell him something, or ask him something, chances are, it's important and relevant.

Also, yes, I do work, and I am on more than equal footing with DH career and money wise, although I fail to see what that has to do with anything. Except I am also the default parent, but it is OK for him to blow off family for work - just not for me apparently, not even when I am sick and when I specifically asked him to take care of this one appointment.

Lord, Op, you just keep digging deeper. To the bolded, no I literally have never said on a work call in my entire life "can you hold on a second" to the person I'm talking to, or muted to say "hey, i'm on a call, is this urgent". Why? Because first, my priority is my job from 9-6 every day. And second, because no one in my life has ever interrupted me during a work call, because they respect my time. And third, because in the 20 years I've been working, literally there has never once been an emergency during a work call. Because things like that just don't happen. Sure, with DH and I both working from home, we have moments of sign language to communicate simple things during our calls. But interrupt such that the person on the other end of the call knows you're talking to someone else? Uh no.

The fact that you're saying that this is normal suggests, yet again, that you are insanely high drama, high maintenance and your DH struggles to deal with you.

He was told in advance what time the call was and that his child’s provider would need to speak to him during that appointment.

Stop making excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

By your own telling, you had a cold. Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold. I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off. I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor. You husband acted completely rationally.

This. I was going to say the same. No way would i hang up a work call unless an emergency.

The point is, he did not even bother to ascertain whether or not it was an emergency, he just flat out ignored the fact that someone was asking for him. If the situations were reversed, I would have put my work call on hold for the five seconds it would have taken to figure out who needed what, and either tell them that you will help them after your call, or tell work that you had to take care of something and you will have to hop off for 10 minutes. He did not even bother to do that, he just heard that someone was calling (either a sick spouse, or a kid that needed help), and he proceeded with his work call as if nothing had happened. There is a way to balance competing demands on one's time - but my DH does not have that capability.

An emergency? You have a cold! Why would he even think it was an emergency? And yes, he is allowed to "flat out ignore" you asking for him because you are not entitled to his attention whenever you want it.

It sounds like your husband very much knows how to balance competing demands on his time, but you just don't like the way he balances it.

Let me ask you, OP. Do you work? And if so, are you relatively equal in financial contribution to the home?

Again, I was not the one who called him - DC did, who was waiting for him to talk to the Dr. as previously agreed upon. He just "thought" it was me, but never bothered to actually find out, even though he was supposed to handle the Dr. appointment today, and he knew what time that was. And by "calling", I don't mean a phone call - I mean DC coming down the stairs, poking their head into his office and asking him to come upstairs for the appointment, which he clearly ignored, because he "thought" it was me. He was facing away from the door at the time, so he only heard that someone asked him to come. Why he thought it would be me, I have no idea. I was fast asleep at the time. I only found out about it when I asked him that afternoon what the Dr. said. Wow, reading comprehension would be a good skill to cultivate, you guys. Also, it could have been any kind of emergency, completely unrelated to my cold. I could have fallen and broken my ankle. Or burnt myself on the stove. Or whatever. That is not the point. How hard is it to say "hey, I am on a call, is this urgent?" or conversely, ask the other party to hold one second while I answer a quick question, instead of just ignoring it flat out. I mean, don't you guys ever have people stop by your office when you are on another call, and then you mute your phone for a minute to see if this is something I can deal with in 10 seconds or less, or just tell the person you will get back to them later? How is that an unreasonable expectation? It's not like I nag him 15 times a day about trivial stuff - I have my own full plate at work to manage, so if I tell him something, or ask him something, chances are, it's important and relevant.

Also, yes, I do work, and I am on more than equal footing with DH career and money wise, although I fail to see what that has to do with anything. Except I am also the default parent, but it is OK for him to blow off family for work - just not for me apparently, not even when I am sick and when I specifically asked him to take care of this one appointment.

Sounds like you are more of a danger to yourself than your DH! You really sound like someone prone to freaking out. Do you think that perhaps your tendency to overreact has created this bad dynamic? Or is at all your DH's fault? Do you think that maybe if you tried to reduce your anxiety that he might be more accommodating of your needs?

And this ladies and gentlemen is what gaslighting looks like.

Obviously, the husband skipped out on his responsibilities because she has ANXIETY (as diagnosed via online armchair diagnosis.) He can do no wrong. She is shrill and possibly hysterical for voicing any disapproval of his screw-ups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

By your own telling, you had a cold. Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold. I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off. I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor. You husband acted completely rationally.

This. I was going to say the same. No way would i hang up a work call unless an emergency.

The point is, he did not even bother to ascertain whether or not it was an emergency, he just flat out ignored the fact that someone was asking for him. If the situations were reversed, I would have put my work call on hold for the five seconds it would have taken to figure out who needed what, and either tell them that you will help them after your call, or tell work that you had to take care of something and you will have to hop off for 10 minutes. He did not even bother to do that, he just heard that someone was calling (either a sick spouse, or a kid that needed help), and he proceeded with his work call as if nothing had happened. There is a way to balance competing demands on one's time - but my DH does not have that capability.

An emergency? You have a cold! Why would he even think it was an emergency? And yes, he is allowed to "flat out ignore" you asking for him because you are not entitled to his attention whenever you want it.

It sounds like your husband very much knows how to balance competing demands on his time, but you just don't like the way he balances it.

Let me ask you, OP. Do you work? And if so, are you relatively equal in financial contribution to the home?

Again, I was not the one who called him - DC did, who was waiting for him to talk to the Dr. as previously agreed upon. He just "thought" it was me, but never bothered to actually find out, even though he was supposed to handle the Dr. appointment today, and he knew what time that was. And by "calling", I don't mean a phone call - I mean DC coming down the stairs, poking their head into his office and asking him to come upstairs for the appointment, which he clearly ignored, because he "thought" it was me. He was facing away from the door at the time, so he only heard that someone asked him to come. Why he thought it would be me, I have no idea. I was fast asleep at the time. I only found out about it when I asked him that afternoon what the Dr. said. Wow, reading comprehension would be a good skill to cultivate, you guys. Also, it could have been any kind of emergency, completely unrelated to my cold. I could have fallen and broken my ankle. Or burnt myself on the stove. Or whatever. That is not the point. How hard is it to say "hey, I am on a call, is this urgent?" or conversely, ask the other party to hold one second while I answer a quick question, instead of just ignoring it flat out. I mean, don't you guys ever have people stop by your office when you are on another call, and then you mute your phone for a minute to see if this is something I can deal with in 10 seconds or less, or just tell the person you will get back to them later? How is that an unreasonable expectation? It's not like I nag him 15 times a day about trivial stuff - I have my own full plate at work to manage, so if I tell him something, or ask him something, chances are, it's important and relevant.

Also, yes, I do work, and I am on more than equal footing with DH career and money wise, although I fail to see what that has to do with anything. Except I am also the default parent, but it is OK for him to blow off family for work - just not for me apparently, not even when I am sick and when I specifically asked him to take care of this one appointment.

Sounds like you are more of a danger to yourself than your DH! You really sound like someone prone to freaking out. Do you think that perhaps your tendency to overreact has created this bad dynamic? Or is at all your DH's fault? Do you think that maybe if you tried to reduce your anxiety that he might be more accommodating of your needs?

And this ladies and gentlemen is what gaslighting looks like.

Obviously, the husband skipped out on his responsibilities because she has ANXIETY (as diagnosed via online armchair diagnosis.) He can do no wrong. She is shrill and possibly hysterical for voicing any disapproval of his screw-ups.

No she is hysterical because she is talking about how she could have broken her ankle or burnt herself on the stove, that she had some terrible cold that might have turned into an emergency, that her husband won't even answer the door for Uber Eats, yadda yadda yadda. You don't need much more than an armchair for that diagnosis of an anxiety disorder.

So the guy missed a brief follow up after a kid's telemedicine appointment. If OP overreacts like she is to such a simple thing, I can only imagine what a drag it is to live with that day in and day out. All we are saying is, maybe that's why she is not getting the reaction she wants when she really needs -- she has used up all of the attention she is going to get on a lot of useless drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

By your own telling, you had a cold. Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold. I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off. I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor. You husband acted completely rationally.

This. I was going to say the same. No way would i hang up a work call unless an emergency.

The point is, he did not even bother to ascertain whether or not it was an emergency, he just flat out ignored the fact that someone was asking for him. If the situations were reversed, I would have put my work call on hold for the five seconds it would have taken to figure out who needed what, and either tell them that you will help them after your call, or tell work that you had to take care of something and you will have to hop off for 10 minutes. He did not even bother to do that, he just heard that someone was calling (either a sick spouse, or a kid that needed help), and he proceeded with his work call as if nothing had happened. There is a way to balance competing demands on one's time - but my DH does not have that capability.

An emergency? You have a cold! Why would he even think it was an emergency? And yes, he is allowed to "flat out ignore" you asking for him because you are not entitled to his attention whenever you want it.

It sounds like your husband very much knows how to balance competing demands on his time, but you just don't like the way he balances it.

Let me ask you, OP. Do you work? And if so, are you relatively equal in financial contribution to the home?

Again, I was not the one who called him - DC did, who was waiting for him to talk to the Dr. as previously agreed upon. He just "thought" it was me, but never bothered to actually find out, even though he was supposed to handle the Dr. appointment today, and he knew what time that was. And by "calling", I don't mean a phone call - I mean DC coming down the stairs, poking their head into his office and asking him to come upstairs for the appointment, which he clearly ignored, because he "thought" it was me. He was facing away from the door at the time, so he only heard that someone asked him to come. Why he thought it would be me, I have no idea. I was fast asleep at the time. I only found out about it when I asked him that afternoon what the Dr. said. Wow, reading comprehension would be a good skill to cultivate, you guys. Also, it could have been any kind of emergency, completely unrelated to my cold. I could have fallen and broken my ankle. Or burnt myself on the stove. Or whatever. That is not the point. How hard is it to say "hey, I am on a call, is this urgent?" or conversely, ask the other party to hold one second while I answer a quick question, instead of just ignoring it flat out. I mean, don't you guys ever have people stop by your office when you are on another call, and then you mute your phone for a minute to see if this is something I can deal with in 10 seconds or less, or just tell the person you will get back to them later? How is that an unreasonable expectation? It's not like I nag him 15 times a day about trivial stuff - I have my own full plate at work to manage, so if I tell him something, or ask him something, chances are, it's important and relevant.

Also, yes, I do work, and I am on more than equal footing with DH career and money wise, although I fail to see what that has to do with anything. Except I am also the default parent, but it is OK for him to blow off family for work - just not for me apparently, not even when I am sick and when I specifically asked him to take care of this one appointment.

Sounds like you are more of a danger to yourself than your DH! You really sound like someone prone to freaking out. Do you think that perhaps your tendency to overreact has created this bad dynamic? Or is at all your DH's fault? Do you think that maybe if you tried to reduce your anxiety that he might be more accommodating of your needs?

And this ladies and gentlemen is what gaslighting looks like.

Obviously, the husband skipped out on his responsibilities because she has ANXIETY (as diagnosed via online armchair diagnosis.) He can do no wrong. She is shrill and possibly hysterical for voicing any disapproval of his screw-ups.

No she is hysterical because she is talking about how she could have broken her ankle or burnt herself on the stove, that she had some terrible cold that might have turned into an emergency, that her husband won't even answer the door for Uber Eats, yadda yadda yadda. You don't need much more than an armchair for that diagnosis of an anxiety disorder.

So the guy missed a brief follow up after a kid's telemedicine appointment. If OP overreacts like she is to such a simple thing, I can only imagine what a drag it is to live with that day in and day out. All we are saying is, maybe that's why she is not getting the reaction she wants when she really needs -- she has used up all of the attention she is going to get on a lot of useless drama.

DH was on a WORK CALL. He did not "miss" anything, he had a legit conflict. Work pays for the therapist/psych after all. Either don't plan for conflicts or occasionally handle the communication by text, email or at other times. If DH was at work in an office, in a meeting, would you expect him to speak with the therapist/psych at ANY time or when he was available? Should the therapist/psych take calls from parents when with another patient, or just when not occupied with work? I suspect whatever the kid is being treated for came at least in part, from mom, not to be mean, OP. Your anxiety and martyr act repel people, I see it in my own family. Do better, for your kids have a better childhood and so you can model better coping and relationship skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

By your own telling, you had a cold. Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold. I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off. I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor. You husband acted completely rationally.

This. I was going to say the same. No way would i hang up a work call unless an emergency.

The point is, he did not even bother to ascertain whether or not it was an emergency, he just flat out ignored the fact that someone was asking for him. If the situations were reversed, I would have put my work call on hold for the five seconds it would have taken to figure out who needed what, and either tell them that you will help them after your call, or tell work that you had to take care of something and you will have to hop off for 10 minutes. He did not even bother to do that, he just heard that someone was calling (either a sick spouse, or a kid that needed help), and he proceeded with his work call as if nothing had happened. There is a way to balance competing demands on one's time - but my DH does not have that capability.

An emergency? You have a cold! Why would he even think it was an emergency? And yes, he is allowed to "flat out ignore" you asking for him because you are not entitled to his attention whenever you want it.

It sounds like your husband very much knows how to balance competing demands on his time, but you just don't like the way he balances it.

Let me ask you, OP. Do you work? And if so, are you relatively equal in financial contribution to the home?

Again, I was not the one who called him - DC did, who was waiting for him to talk to the Dr. as previously agreed upon. He just "thought" it was me, but never bothered to actually find out, even though he was supposed to handle the Dr. appointment today, and he knew what time that was. And by "calling", I don't mean a phone call - I mean DC coming down the stairs, poking their head into his office and asking him to come upstairs for the appointment, which he clearly ignored, because he "thought" it was me. He was facing away from the door at the time, so he only heard that someone asked him to come. Why he thought it would be me, I have no idea. I was fast asleep at the time. I only found out about it when I asked him that afternoon what the Dr. said. Wow, reading comprehension would be a good skill to cultivate, you guys. Also, it could have been any kind of emergency, completely unrelated to my cold. I could have fallen and broken my ankle. Or burnt myself on the stove. Or whatever. That is not the point. How hard is it to say "hey, I am on a call, is this urgent?" or conversely, ask the other party to hold one second while I answer a quick question, instead of just ignoring it flat out. I mean, don't you guys ever have people stop by your office when you are on another call, and then you mute your phone for a minute to see if this is something I can deal with in 10 seconds or less, or just tell the person you will get back to them later? How is that an unreasonable expectation? It's not like I nag him 15 times a day about trivial stuff - I have my own full plate at work to manage, so if I tell him something, or ask him something, chances are, it's important and relevant.

Also, yes, I do work, and I am on more than equal footing with DH career and money wise, although I fail to see what that has to do with anything. Except I am also the default parent, but it is OK for him to blow off family for work - just not for me apparently, not even when I am sick and when I specifically asked him to take care of this one appointment.

Sounds like you are more of a danger to yourself than your DH! You really sound like someone prone to freaking out. Do you think that perhaps your tendency to overreact has created this bad dynamic? Or is at all your DH's fault? Do you think that maybe if you tried to reduce your anxiety that he might be more accommodating of your needs?

And this ladies and gentlemen is what gaslighting looks like.

Obviously, the husband skipped out on his responsibilities because she has ANXIETY (as diagnosed via online armchair diagnosis.) He can do no wrong. She is shrill and possibly hysterical for voicing any disapproval of his screw-ups.

No she is hysterical because she is talking about how she could have broken her ankle or burnt herself on the stove, that she had some terrible cold that might have turned into an emergency, that her husband won't even answer the door for Uber Eats, yadda yadda yadda. You don't need much more than an armchair for that diagnosis of an anxiety disorder.

So the guy missed a brief follow up after a kid's telemedicine appointment. If OP overreacts like she is to such a simple thing, I can only imagine what a drag it is to live with that day in and day out. All we are saying is, maybe that's why she is not getting the reaction she wants when she really needs -- she has used up all of the attention she is going to get on a lot of useless drama.

DH was on a WORK CALL. He did not "miss" anything, he had a legit conflict. Work pays for the therapist/psych after all. Either don't plan for conflicts or occasionally handle the communication by text, email or at other times. If DH was at work in an office, in a meeting, would you expect him to speak with the therapist/psych at ANY time or when he was available? Should the therapist/psych take calls from parents when with another patient, or just when not occupied with work? I suspect whatever the kid is being treated for came at least in part, from mom, not to be mean, OP. Your anxiety and martyr act repel people, I see it in my own family. Do better, for your kids have a better childhood and so you can model better coping and relationship skills.

Wow, this is PP with the cold - wow, this blew up quickly. I will add that I have not posted here in a while, so a lot of the comments are not mine. Just wanted to clarify a few points.

The "fall and break my ankle" was an extreme example of how there COULD potentially be an emergency, and not something I said would actually ever happen. It was just an exaggerated attempt to make a point that an emergency is theoretically possible, but it clearly missed the mark.

To the poster who has never ever had a work call interrupted, wow, that is impressive. That has not been my experience, but perhaps our work environments are just very different. Interruptions are commonplace where I work, and nobody gets offended if I ask them to hold for a few seconds for whatever reason. Also, as a parent, I do not have the luxury of exclusively focusing on my work from 9-6 to the detriment of everything else - but that seems to be my DH's privilege. I always have to be alert for calls from the school, sick kids needing to be picked up, or anything else that might need my attention. It would be wonderful to be able to work in a completely interruption-free environment, and only focus on work 100%, but that is not my reality, nor has it ever been. I dare say that is not the case for most people I know either - most of us have to balance competing demands on our time.

The question on this thread was whether or not DH was capable of caretaking, and my answer was "sometimes", and gave an example of when he was not. This was a 30 minute appointment for DC. DH knew the time, because I put it on his calendar and reminded him that morning. Yet he chose to take a work call during that time, and then proceeded to ignore the call from DC, event though he was told that he would be needed.

But yes, I am hysterical because I called him on it. Talk about double standards.

And to the OP (which is not me) - sorry, but this seems to have hijacked your thread. Hopefully we can get back on topic now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

By your own telling, you had a cold. Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold. I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off. I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor. You husband acted completely rationally.

This. I was going to say the same. No way would i hang up a work call unless an emergency.

The point is, he did not even bother to ascertain whether or not it was an emergency, he just flat out ignored the fact that someone was asking for him. If the situations were reversed, I would have put my work call on hold for the five seconds it would have taken to figure out who needed what, and either tell them that you will help them after your call, or tell work that you had to take care of something and you will have to hop off for 10 minutes. He did not even bother to do that, he just heard that someone was calling (either a sick spouse, or a kid that needed help), and he proceeded with his work call as if nothing had happened. There is a way to balance competing demands on one's time - but my DH does not have that capability.

An emergency? You have a cold! Why would he even think it was an emergency? And yes, he is allowed to "flat out ignore" you asking for him because you are not entitled to his attention whenever you want it.

It sounds like your husband very much knows how to balance competing demands on his time, but you just don't like the way he balances it.

Let me ask you, OP. Do you work? And if so, are you relatively equal in financial contribution to the home?

Again, I was not the one who called him - DC did, who was waiting for him to talk to the Dr. as previously agreed upon. He just "thought" it was me, but never bothered to actually find out, even though he was supposed to handle the Dr. appointment today, and he knew what time that was. And by "calling", I don't mean a phone call - I mean DC coming down the stairs, poking their head into his office and asking him to come upstairs for the appointment, which he clearly ignored, because he "thought" it was me. He was facing away from the door at the time, so he only heard that someone asked him to come. Why he thought it would be me, I have no idea. I was fast asleep at the time. I only found out about it when I asked him that afternoon what the Dr. said. Wow, reading comprehension would be a good skill to cultivate, you guys. Also, it could have been any kind of emergency, completely unrelated to my cold. I could have fallen and broken my ankle. Or burnt myself on the stove. Or whatever. That is not the point. How hard is it to say "hey, I am on a call, is this urgent?" or conversely, ask the other party to hold one second while I answer a quick question, instead of just ignoring it flat out. I mean, don't you guys ever have people stop by your office when you are on another call, and then you mute your phone for a minute to see if this is something I can deal with in 10 seconds or less, or just tell the person you will get back to them later? How is that an unreasonable expectation? It's not like I nag him 15 times a day about trivial stuff - I have my own full plate at work to manage, so if I tell him something, or ask him something, chances are, it's important and relevant.

Also, yes, I do work, and I am on more than equal footing with DH career and money wise, although I fail to see what that has to do with anything. Except I am also the default parent, but it is OK for him to blow off family for work - just not for me apparently, not even when I am sick and when I specifically asked him to take care of this one appointment.

Sounds like you are more of a danger to yourself than your DH! You really sound like someone prone to freaking out. Do you think that perhaps your tendency to overreact has created this bad dynamic? Or is at all your DH's fault? Do you think that maybe if you tried to reduce your anxiety that he might be more accommodating of your needs?

And this ladies and gentlemen is what gaslighting looks like.

Obviously, the husband skipped out on his responsibilities because she has ANXIETY (as diagnosed via online armchair diagnosis.) He can do no wrong. She is shrill and possibly hysterical for voicing any disapproval of his screw-ups.

No she is hysterical because she is talking about how she could have broken her ankle or burnt herself on the stove, that she had some terrible cold that might have turned into an emergency, that her husband won't even answer the door for Uber Eats, yadda yadda yadda. You don't need much more than an armchair for that diagnosis of an anxiety disorder.

So the guy missed a brief follow up after a kid's telemedicine appointment. If OP overreacts like she is to such a simple thing, I can only imagine what a drag it is to live with that day in and day out. All we are saying is, maybe that's why she is not getting the reaction she wants when she really needs -- she has used up all of the attention she is going to get on a lot of useless drama.

DH was on a WORK CALL. He did not "miss" anything, he had a legit conflict. Work pays for the therapist/psych after all. Either don't plan for conflicts or occasionally handle the communication by text, email or at other times. If DH was at work in an office, in a meeting, would you expect him to speak with the therapist/psych at ANY time or when he was available? Should the therapist/psych take calls from parents when with another patient, or just when not occupied with work? I suspect whatever the kid is being treated for came at least in part, from mom, not to be mean, OP. Your anxiety and martyr act repel people, I see it in my own family. Do better, for your kids have a better childhood and so you can model better coping and relationship skills.

Wow, this is PP with the cold - wow, this blew up quickly. I will add that I have not posted here in a while, so a lot of the comments are not mine. Just wanted to clarify a few points.

The "fall and break my ankle" was an extreme example of how there COULD potentially be an emergency, and not something I said would actually ever happen. It was just an exaggerated attempt to make a point that an emergency is theoretically possible, but it clearly missed the mark.

To the poster who has never ever had a work call interrupted, wow, that is impressive. That has not been my experience, but perhaps our work environments are just very different. Interruptions are commonplace where I work, and nobody gets offended if I ask them to hold for a few seconds for whatever reason. Also, as a parent, I do not have the luxury of exclusively focusing on my work from 9-6 to the detriment of everything else - but that seems to be my DH's privilege. I always have to be alert for calls from the school, sick kids needing to be picked up, or anything else that might need my attention. It would be wonderful to be able to work in a completely interruption-free environment, and only focus on work 100%, but that is not my reality, nor has it ever been. I dare say that is not the case for most people I know either - most of us have to balance competing demands on our time.

The question on this thread was whether or not DH was capable of caretaking, and my answer was "sometimes", and gave an example of when he was not. This was a 30 minute appointment for DC. DH knew the time, because I put it on his calendar and reminded him that morning. Yet he chose to take a work call during that time, and then proceeded to ignore the call from DC, event though he was told that he would be needed.

But yes, I am hysterical because I called him on it. Talk about double standards.

And to the OP (which is not me) - sorry, but this seems to have hijacked your thread. Hopefully we can get back on topic now.

To the PP who wrote the bolded - the conflict was created by DH, because the appointment was on his calendar, yet he chose to take a work call during that time. If he had to actually take DC to the Dr.'s office, as we had to do pre-COVID, he would not have been in the office. So yes, I did expect him to prioritize the previously scheduled appointment instead of taking a last minute work call when he knew I was not available.

Also, saying that my kid's issues are my fault, without even having a shred of information about their condition or knowing anything about their situation is beyond the pale, and says a lot more about you than it does about me or my kid. You should seriously reflect on your reason for judging people so harshly without any reason whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you explain this to him?

He got grouchy and told me I should just tell him everything he should do. To me that’s exhausting and would be ok for a teenage babysitter who’s never been to our house, but my husband? For weeks?! I feel hurt that he isn’t motivated to take care of me and said so. He said “well how am I supposed to feel?”

Share this with him: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

[Anonymous]

Short answer for all men: Yes. They are capable.

Long answer for all men: Yes, they are capable but they choose not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

By your own telling, you had a cold. Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold. I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off. I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor. You husband acted completely rationally.

This. I was going to say the same. No way would i hang up a work call unless an emergency.

The point is, he did not even bother to ascertain whether or not it was an emergency, he just flat out ignored the fact that someone was asking for him. If the situations were reversed, I would have put my work call on hold for the five seconds it would have taken to figure out who needed what, and either tell them that you will help them after your call, or tell work that you had to take care of something and you will have to hop off for 10 minutes. He did not even bother to do that, he just heard that someone was calling (either a sick spouse, or a kid that needed help), and he proceeded with his work call as if nothing had happened. There is a way to balance competing demands on one's time - but my DH does not have that capability.

An emergency? You have a cold! Why would he even think it was an emergency? And yes, he is allowed to "flat out ignore" you asking for him because you are not entitled to his attention whenever you want it.

It sounds like your husband very much knows how to balance competing demands on his time, but you just don't like the way he balances it.

Let me ask you, OP. Do you work? And if so, are you relatively equal in financial contribution to the home?

Again, I was not the one who called him - DC did, who was waiting for him to talk to the Dr. as previously agreed upon. He just "thought" it was me, but never bothered to actually find out, even though he was supposed to handle the Dr. appointment today, and he knew what time that was. And by "calling", I don't mean a phone call - I mean DC coming down the stairs, poking their head into his office and asking him to come upstairs for the appointment, which he clearly ignored, because he "thought" it was me. He was facing away from the door at the time, so he only heard that someone asked him to come. Why he thought it would be me, I have no idea. I was fast asleep at the time. I only found out about it when I asked him that afternoon what the Dr. said. Wow, reading comprehension would be a good skill to cultivate, you guys. Also, it could have been any kind of emergency, completely unrelated to my cold. I could have fallen and broken my ankle. Or burnt myself on the stove. Or whatever. That is not the point. How hard is it to say "hey, I am on a call, is this urgent?" or conversely, ask the other party to hold one second while I answer a quick question, instead of just ignoring it flat out. I mean, don't you guys ever have people stop by your office when you are on another call, and then you mute your phone for a minute to see if this is something I can deal with in 10 seconds or less, or just tell the person you will get back to them later? How is that an unreasonable expectation? It's not like I nag him 15 times a day about trivial stuff - I have my own full plate at work to manage, so if I tell him something, or ask him something, chances are, it's important and relevant.

Also, yes, I do work, and I am on more than equal footing with DH career and money wise, although I fail to see what that has to do with anything. Except I am also the default parent, but it is OK for him to blow off family for work - just not for me apparently, not even when I am sick and when I specifically asked him to take care of this one appointment.

Lord, Op, you just keep digging deeper. To the bolded, no I literally have never said on a work call in my entire life "can you hold on a second" to the person I'm talking to, or muted to say "hey, i'm on a call, is this urgent". Why? Because first, my priority is my job from 9-6 every day. And second, because no one in my life has ever interrupted me during a work call, because they respect my time. And third, because in the 20 years I've been working, literally there has never once been an emergency during a work call. Because things like that just don't happen. Sure, with DH and I both working from home, we have moments of sign language to communicate simple things during our calls. But interrupt such that the person on the other end of the call knows you're talking to someone else? Uh no.

The fact that you're saying that this is normal suggests, yet again, that you are insanely high drama, high maintenance and your DH struggles to deal with you.

He was told in advance what time the call was and that his child’s provider would need to speak to him during that appointment.

Stop making excuses.

He was on a WORK call, loon. If he loses his job, who will PAY the provider and where will the insurance come from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP one more time. I’ve read the last couple of pages of replies and am surprised by how nasty and dismissive people are. I just asked if your DH is capable of caregiving and described the situation I’m going to be in. People piled on and accused me of being some kind of uptight princess for wanting to recover in a clean and healthy environment that I won’t be able to create on my own. How outsourced is everyone’s life that PPs are posing it as a choice between dirty house/Uber eats or checking into a nursing home. I’m an anxious baby for expecting anything in the middle?!

OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through and I don't know why so many DCUM commenters have been so nasty.

BUT. Reading your initial post and some of your replies, it jumps out at me that you have inadvertently helped create this monster. Every time you're out of town, you arrange everything and give him a schedule. You plan all the meals, you are responsible for all of the stuff around the house, all while he just lounges and watches football. If you want him to be capable of caretaking, you need to make him learn, and he will not learn by you continuing to do it all. Throw him into the deep end.

I think there was a Carolyn Hax letter writer years ago who wrote about having the revelation that you need to have. She had some kind of traumatic accident and surgery, and woke up her first day at home to her husband and kids surrounding the foot of her bed saying, "so....what's for dinner?" It made her realize that they weren't being deliberately callous, it was just that they had not learned how to operate any other way, because every other time she had been out of commission, traveling for work, or whatever, she had planned everything down to a T. To the point that what she realized was, they were scared to even attempt anything that she hadn't planned.

You've trained dependency. Time to switch gears and train independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP one more time. I’ve read the last couple of pages of replies and am surprised by how nasty and dismissive people are. I just asked if your DH is capable of caregiving and described the situation I’m going to be in. People piled on and accused me of being some kind of uptight princess for wanting to recover in a clean and healthy environment that I won’t be able to create on my own. How outsourced is everyone’s life that PPs are posing it as a choice between dirty house/Uber eats or checking into a nursing home. I’m an anxious baby for expecting anything in the middle?!

OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through and I don't know why so many DCUM commenters have been so nasty.

BUT. Reading your initial post and some of your replies, it jumps out at me that you have inadvertently helped create this monster. Every time you're out of town, you arrange everything and give him a schedule. You plan all the meals, you are responsible for all of the stuff around the house, all while he just lounges and watches football. If you want him to be capable of caretaking, you need to make him learn, and he will not learn by you continuing to do it all. Throw him into the deep end.

I think there was a Carolyn Hax letter writer years ago who wrote about having the revelation that you need to have. She had some kind of traumatic accident and surgery, and woke up her first day at home to her husband and kids surrounding the foot of her bed saying, "so....what's for dinner?" It made her realize that they weren't being deliberately callous, it was just that they had not learned how to operate any other way, because every other time she had been out of commission, traveling for work, or whatever, she had planned everything down to a T. To the point that what she realized was, they were scared to even attempt anything that she hadn't planned.

You've trained dependency. Time to switch gears and train independence.

Yes, I am walking out the door for a three day weekend with girlfriends shortly. I told my husband “our normal Friday sitter has to leave early and I didn’t plan any weekend sitters because I didn’t know your plans.” That is the sum total of what I have done to prepare him for the weekend. We do have a pretty strict 50/50 schedule on early wake ups with our special needs kid so I did do the last three days since he will now have three days in a row. I have no idea what they will do, eat, etc — and I don’t really care.