Is your DH capable of caretaking?

[Anonymous]

I just...can't imagine this. My DH may not think of every single thing I would, or do it the same way. But he's 100% capable of taking care of our children while I would be recovering. He's 100% capable of doing laundry (wtf) and dishes (wtf) and going grocery sopping (wtf). If I was bed bound, he would 100% bring me food and help me to the bathroom. If I asked him to buy something, HE WOULD. If I needed clean clothes, he'd wash them for me.

What kind of totally whacked out marriages do you have where COMMON DECENCY is not a main trait? How are you attracted to these baby men who can't do a single thing?!!! I would be repulsed by how useless these men are. Nope nope nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a MUCH bigger problem than just this one surgery.

He won't wash your clothes so you have comfortable things to wear? Wtf kind of of a**hole is he?

I'd spend your time recovering planning to divorce.

It doesn't even sound like thats happened. Op is just making up these scenarios

[Anonymous]

EX Dh? Nope, can’t even care for himself and meets the bare minimum of acceptable care for our children. Current DH? Is the best caretaker I’ve ever met, male or female.

[Anonymous]

OP - you have tons of anxiety. Why are you doing that insane list of things for your DH when he is sick? My DH and I would consider ourselves both doting caregivers to each other, but your list is over the top. It suggests to me that you have martyr syndrome, and it's not healthy that you now expect the payback. And your DH knows it.

I mean, come on - you cited the bathroom not getting cleaned for a couple weeks causing your surgery site to get a scar?? Are you kidding me? That's bonkerballs projecting.

Sorry you have to have surgery, but convey a reasonable list of fears/expectations to your DH and leave it be. Life will go on.

I also don't understand what kind of minor outpatient surgery involves you not being able to be up and about doing chores for 6 weeks. I mean, i had a tummy tuck - which is major surgery - and I was up and about after 4 days getting my own food, picking up around the house etc. They say 6 weeks for all surgeries, because that's how long you're generally not supposed to drive for or do heavy lifting. But i'd love to know what surgery means you can't pack the kids' backpacks for 6 weeks. Again, i think you are carrying major anxiety and martyrdom here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse would be just fine: maybe a little more pizza delivery and a little less dishes and laundry than me, but probably less stressed and more fun. However, we are a 2 woman couple.

This would be us. Two woman couple here as well.

Our kids are old enough to be responsible for their own laundry, breakfast, and lunches. My wife isn't the best cook nor does she like cooking much, but she can manage.

I had surgery a few months ago and things went smoothly at home. Did the kids always have a homecooked healthy meal each night? No, they got pizza one night and Chinese the next, but they survived. I wasn't allowed to bend over or lift more than 5 lbs. after surgery. My spouse was great at helping me get dressed and showered. The first day home from the hospital, she even had to take one for the team and help me in the bathroom after I went because I was too sore to bend to wipe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you have tons of anxiety. Why are you doing that insane list of things for your DH when he is sick? My DH and I would consider ourselves both doting caregivers to each other, but your list is over the top. It suggests to me that you have martyr syndrome, and it's not healthy that you now expect the payback. And your DH knows it.

I mean, come on - you cited the bathroom not getting cleaned for a couple weeks causing your surgery site to get infected?? Are you kidding me? That's bonkerballs projecting.

Sorry you have to have surgery, but convey a reasonable list of fears/expectations to your DH and leave it be. Life will go on.

I also don't understand what kind of minor outpatient surgery involves you not being able to be up and about doing chores for 6 weeks. I mean, i had a tummy tuck - which is major surgery - and I was up and about after 4 days getting my own food, picking up around the house etc. They say 6 weeks for all surgeries, because that's how long you're generally not supposed to drive for or do heavy lifting. But i'd love to know what surgery means you can't pack the kids' backpacks for 6 weeks. Again, i think you are carrying major anxiety and martyrdom here.

Whoops - i'm this PP and just fixed a typo - OP was worried about infection, not a scar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a MUCH bigger problem than just this one surgery.

He won't wash your clothes so you have comfortable things to wear? Wtf kind of of a**hole is he?

I'd spend your time recovering planning to divorce.

It doesn't even sound like thats happened. Op is just making up these scenarios

Yes that's true. But I just can't even imagine being concerned about these things. Like she's worried he won't wash her clothes for her? I wouldn't expect my DH to know which items I hand wash and which ones I hang dry, but when I'm recovering from surgery and wearing pajamas that can be dried I expect he 100% could take care of this task with my only input being "could you please run my basket of laundry today?"

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why women marry and procreate with these man-children?!

I want my spouse to be an equal partner, not an overgrown child.

I hear OP's worry & complaints all the time from my female coworkers. It's just baffling that this seems to be such a big problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a MUCH bigger problem than just this one surgery.

He won't wash your clothes so you have comfortable things to wear? Wtf kind of of a**hole is he?

I'd spend your time recovering planning to divorce.

It doesn't even sound like thats happened. Op is just making up these scenarios

Yes that's true. But I just can't even imagine being concerned about these things. Like she's worried he won't wash her clothes for her? I wouldn't expect my DH to know which items I hand wash and which ones I hang dry, but when I'm recovering from surgery and wearing pajamas that can be dried I expect he 100% could take care of this task with my only input being "could you please run my basket of laundry today?"

I haven’t read all the comments carefully, but I am not sure if OP is asking for these things and her husband is flat-out not doing them, or if she is expecting him to read her mind or getting upset if she has to ask more than once (how much of a hyperbole is it when she says she has to beg for water?). The former is a huge problem, the latter isn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes and No

My H was injured on the job and on work man's comp for 4 months. Home... no job.

So I said, great you are a SAHD now, you will do food, laundry, dog, the schedule, etc.

The 1st month was a disaster. I showed up to a sports tournament on the wrong day and games at the wrong time multiple times.

After the 1st month he got a little better, but not great but everybody survived. What he learned is what I do it hard and I do it very well, he was more thankful and less critical. What I learned is that what I do is hard and I do it very well and he needs to help more.

When I am sick he is good about making sure I have everything I need and he can manage for a day/week/etc. Month after month after month, it's too much.

I have 10 friends that have had cancer. 2 H's were very helpful, 2 mildly, 6 that were useless.

I'm 52. It's really sad, I don't think it's the national average. I get a text like "add me to the list"...

Most were breast cancer, 1 wasn't. 2 have died. Some did not really need a lot of care...lump removed, radiation... some never told work. But think about it a H is also going through many emotions, they are afraid of losing their best friend and mother of their children. So often, when i say they can't do much, it's more because of them also being devastated and scared. But most don't have a support system and women do.

I also have 2 friends that are widows and 3 that have lost children. Life is full of suffereing.
How old are you that you’ve had ten friends with cancer? Sorry to hear, especially about the DHs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes and No

My H was injured on the job and on work man's comp for 4 months. Home... no job.

So I said, great you are a SAHD now, you will do food, laundry, dog, the schedule, etc.

The 1st month was a disaster. I showed up to a sports tournament on the wrong day and games at the wrong time multiple times.

After the 1st month he got a little better, but not great but everybody survived. What he learned is what I do it hard and I do it very well, he was more thankful and less critical. What I learned is that what I do is hard and I do it very well and he needs to help more.

When I am sick he is good about making sure I have everything I need and he can manage for a day/week/etc. Month after month after month, it's too much.

I have 10 friends that have had cancer. 2 H's were very helpful, 2 mildly, 6 that were useless.

How old are you that you’ve had ten friends with cancer? Sorry to hear, especially about the DHs.

I'm 52. It's really sad, I don't think it's the national average. I get a text like "add me to the list"...

Most were breast cancer, 1 wasn't. 2 have died. Some did not really need a lot of care...lump removed, radiation... some never told work. But think about it a H is also going through many emotions, they are afraid of losing their best friend and mother of their children. So often, when i say they can't do much, it's more because of them also being devastated and scared. But most don't have a support system and women do.

I also have 2 friends that are widows and 3 that have lost children. Life is full of suffering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married my husband after seeing him wash dishes at a party at another person’s house. That said, I believe women in male-female partnerships should dial back what they do. Let the laundry pile up. Let the house get messy. See what happens. Eventually, people will be out of underwear. At that point, they can choose to wear dirty underwear or do their own laundry.

I decided I would never buy presents for spouse’s family and add all that extra work to my plate. I do buy presents sometimes but not all the holiday ones. I become very dumb and “incapable” of doing certain things.

I hire people. Spouse doesn’t like to spend the money but I have pointed out that if he is not going to do it and doesn’t want to pay anyone to do it, then he is saying it is my job.

If I had a recovery as long as yours, I would hire a personal aide to come for 6-8 hours a day to help you. You can get someone from a home car agency. This is my plan if I become ill, because spouse will leave me in the bedroom without checking on me for hours.

For anyone with sons, teach them better.

I am currently in the midst of this experiment, which I am also subjecting our two sons to. I am tired of being overworked and underappreciated (and yes, I work full time outside the home and make more than my DH). It is driving me insane to leave things undone but asking, pleading, writing/emailing/printing lists, sending texts, reminder phone calls, family calendars, etc. have not worked. I have essentially gone on strike and am taking care of myself. The rest will have to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse did fine. Exactly how I would have done it? No but who cares. People were fed, house was clean enough, laundry was done, kids were taken care of. So that's all that matters. I had a sudden and serious injury that required hospitalization and then accommodations at home.

You need to have a serious talk with DH. What you described at 0054 is beyond unacceptable. It's a clear lack of caring about you and your needs. There is a difference between not being able to manage the house as well as you and letting your wife run out of clean clothes because you won't do her laundry and making her beg for water. That's disgusting behavior on his part and I don't think I could stay married if my DH ever showed me that level of contempt.

None of that has actually happened, that is OP, getting spun up or trolling.

OP, it is not as though he has scheduled a guy's weekend at the same time or will not be home from work until 10 all week.

I hope you surgery goes ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:EX Dh? Nope, can’t even care for himself and meets the bare minimum of acceptable care for our children. Current DH? Is the best caretaker I’ve ever met, male or female.

Same! First DH was a starter marriage in early twenties. He couldn't/can't take care of just himself, let alone anyone else. Current DH is the best! There are things he does differently than I would, but I trust him 100% to care for me and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a MUCH bigger problem than just this one surgery.

He won't wash your clothes so you have comfortable things to wear? Wtf kind of of a**hole is he?

I'd spend your time recovering planning to divorce.

It doesn't even sound like thats happened. Op is just making up these scenarios

This. OP, after your recovery, which I hope is quick and comfortable, you really need to work on your anxiety disorder. Also, on basing your sense of self worth in something other housework and superiority re: same. Maybe some CBT?