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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me).  One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...[/quote]

By your own telling, you had a cold.  Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold.  I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off.  I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor.  You husband acted completely rationally.    [/quote]

This. I was going to say the same. No way would i hang up a work call unless an emergency. [/quote]

The point is, [b]he did not even bother to ascertain whether or not it was an emergency[/b], he just flat out ignored the fact that someone was asking for him. If the situations were reversed, I would have put my work call on hold for the five seconds it would have taken to figure out who needed what, and either tell them that you will help them after your call, or tell work that you had to take care of something and you will have to hop off for 10 minutes. He did not even bother to do that, he just heard that someone was calling (either a sick spouse, or a kid that needed help), and he proceeded with his work call as if nothing had happened. There is a way to balance competing demands on one's time - but my DH does not have that capability. [/quote]

An emergency? You have a cold! Why would he even think it was an emergency? And yes, he is allowed to "flat out ignore" you asking for him because you are not entitled to his attention whenever you want it.

It sounds like your husband very much knows how to balance competing demands on his time, but you just don't like the way he balances it.

Let me ask you, OP. Do you work? And if so, are you relatively equal in financial contribution to the home?[/quote]

Again, I was not the one who called him - DC did, who was waiting for him to talk to the Dr. as previously agreed upon. He just "thought" it was me, but never bothered to actually find out, even though he was supposed to handle the Dr. appointment today, and he knew what time that was. And by "calling", I don't mean a phone call - I mean DC coming down the stairs, poking their head into his office and asking him to come upstairs for the appointment, which he clearly ignored, because he "thought" it was me. He was facing away from the door at the time, so he only heard that someone asked him to come. Why he thought it would be me, I have no idea. I was fast asleep at the time. I only found out about it when I asked him that afternoon what the Dr. said. Wow, reading comprehension would be a good skill to cultivate, you guys. Also, it could have been any kind of emergency, completely unrelated to my cold.[b] I could have fallen and broken my ankle. Or burnt myself on the stove.[/b] Or whatever. That is not the point. How hard is it to say "hey, I am on a call, is this urgent?" or conversely, ask the other party to hold one second while I answer a quick question, instead of just ignoring it flat out. I mean, don't you guys ever have people stop by your office when you are on another call, and then you mute your phone for a minute to see if this is something I can deal with in 10 seconds or less, or just tell the person you will get back to them later? How is that an unreasonable expectation? It's not like I nag him 15 times a day about trivial stuff - I have my own full plate at work to manage, so if I tell him something, or ask him something, chances are, it's important and relevant.

Also, yes, I do work, and I am on more than equal footing with DH career and money wise, although I fail to see what that has to do with anything. Except I am also the default parent, but it is OK for him to blow off family for work - just not for me apparently, not even when I am sick and when I specifically asked him to take care of this one appointment. [/quote]

[b]Sounds like you are more of a danger to yourself than your DH! You really sound like someone prone to freaking out. Do you think that perhaps your tendency to overreact has created this bad dynamic? Or is at all your DH's fault? Do you think that maybe if you tried to reduce your anxiety that he might be more accommodating of your needs?[/b][/quote]

And this ladies and gentlemen is what gaslighting looks like.

Obviously, the husband skipped out on his responsibilities because she has ANXIETY (as diagnosed via online armchair diagnosis.) He can do no wrong. She is shrill and possibly hysterical for voicing any disapproval of his screw-ups. [/quote]

No she is hysterical because she is talking about how she could have broken her ankle or burnt herself on the stove, that she had some terrible cold that might have turned into an emergency, that her husband won't even answer the door for Uber Eats, yadda yadda yadda. You don't need much more than an armchair for that diagnosis of an anxiety disorder.

So the guy missed a brief follow up after a kid's telemedicine appointment. If OP overreacts like she is to such a simple thing, I can only imagine what a drag it is to live with that day in and day out. All we are saying is, maybe that's why she is not getting the reaction she wants when she really needs -- she has used up all of the attention she is going to get on a lot of useless drama.[/quote]

DH was on a WORK CALL. He did not "miss" anything, he had a legit conflict. Work pays for the therapist/psych after all. Either don't plan for conflicts or occasionally handle the communication by text, email or at other times. If DH was at work in an office, in a meeting, would you expect him to speak with the therapist/psych at ANY time or when he was available? Should the therapist/psych take calls from parents when with another patient, or just when not occupied with work? I suspect whatever the kid is being treated for came at least in part, from mom, not to be mean, OP. Your anxiety and martyr act repel people, I see it in my own family. Do better, for your kids have a better childhood and so you can model better coping and relationship skills. [/quote]

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