Is your DH capable of caretaking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op and just wanted to add: I meant to say that doing the chores ahead of time is so I can recover in a pleasant environment. I have no expectation that he’ll care for the house while I’m out of commission, but he won’t even care for that part of it that will affect me.

I don’t care if the house gets dirty, but I hate the idea that I’ll be caring for a pretty nasty incision/wound and trying to prevent infection in a bathroom that he won’t bother to keep up, I’ll run out of clean comfortable clothing, I’ll be hungry because he doesn’t feel like bringing food upstairs yet again, or out of water or sleeping in sweaty sheets unless I beg for a water bottle refill or clean bedding. Cleaners and meal kits are great, but will only help DH and my kid, not me.

There are things that I think a person who is in pain medication and has fresh stitches shouldn’t have to ask for in real time and can’t hire out. The stuff I can’t outsource is precisely what DH won’t do.

You’re saying that if you ask him to bring you a bottle of water, he would say no? Or that if you ask him to bring you a bowl of soup, and all he has to do is open the can, pour it in a bowl and microwave it, he’d say no, get it yourself? (I resisted the urge to say “no soup for you.”) That’s cold. Is he making you uber home from the hospital? I’ve never recommended divorce but this isn’t normal.

Where will the incision be?

Who the hell drinks bottled of water in their own home? Think of the environment—get a filter. Jeez.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your doctor and explain that the situation at home is not conducive to your recovery. Maybe you would qualify for visits from a home health nurse or, depending on how the the surgery goes, a rehab facility.

If you are truly worried about your recovery and ability to heal, your doctor should know your concerns.

If your recovery is at home, with your husband managing your care, maybe the doctor can have a conversation with him to spell out what needs to be done and his role in your recovery.

[Anonymous]

I could never be married to someone like OP. Hell, if DH had done a stereotypical "man cold" when se fatee, i wouldn't have married him. I cant stand the histrionic drama queen type of people. If you are truly worried your husband wont get you water then you're a moron for staying married to him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your doctor and explain that the situation at home is not conducive to your recovery. Maybe you would qualify for visits from a home health nurse or, depending on how the the surgery goes, a rehab facility.

If you are truly worried about your recovery and ability to heal, your doctor should know your concerns.

If your recovery is at home, with your husband managing your care, maybe the doctor can have a conversation with him to spell out what needs to be done and his role in your recovery.

Lol OP has made up these ridiculous situations. Please don't feed into her delusions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op and just wanted to add: I meant to say that doing the chores ahead of time is so I can recover in a pleasant environment. I have no expectation that he’ll care for the house while I’m out of commission, but he won’t even care for that part of it that will affect me.

I don’t care if the house gets dirty, but I hate the idea that I’ll be caring for a pretty nasty incision/wound and trying to prevent infection in a bathroom that he won’t bother to keep up, I’ll run out of clean comfortable clothing, I’ll be hungry because he doesn’t feel like bringing food upstairs yet again, or out of water or sleeping in sweaty sheets unless I beg for a water bottle refill or clean bedding. Cleaners and meal kits are great, but will only help DH and my kid, not me.

There are things that I think a person who is in pain medication and has fresh stitches shouldn’t have to ask for in real time and can’t hire out. The stuff I can’t outsource is precisely what DH won’t do.

I hope this is just misplaced anxiety. You are really catastrophizing here. You might only be out of commission for three days. And sleeping on the same sheets for a few weeks isn’t the end of the world. If you literally have to “beg for water” then you should get a divorce once you are recovered.

The "I'm going to die of a staph infection because he won't clean the bathroom twice a week" is really over the top.

Agree. Maybe OP's husband is so casual about this because OP freaks out all the time. Hard to tell.

Her being so over the top may in fact what pushes him to the other extreme.

OP, I had a mother who obsessively cleaned, it was not a happy home for kids. Your priorities are wacked and likely driven by anxiety. You sound miserable. Your choice to focus on you and what you can control or continue on this way. Your kids deserve better. My mom is now elderly and her anxiety, if anything, is worse. She has never developed any coping skills. She has lost friends and neighbors are polite but distant because it really turns people off, esp if it is not a crisis but everyday life is an ongoing crisis.

Outsource the things that are possible and look into CBT or other techniques to manage anxiety. Talk therapy is not going to help and may make you worse. You need tools.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a jerk.

My husband probably wouldn't keep the house up to my specifications on his own, just because there are a lot of things I do out of habit that he doesn't notice and I wouldn't think to tell him. But he does things when he notices them, or when I ask him, and he knows a lot of the stuff I do. For instance, a couple weeks ago I was really sleep-deprived because the baby was teething and he got up at 6am and sent me back to bed and did my entire morning routine + cleaned the kitchen afterwards, which I usually don't have time to do until after school dropoff. I woke up just as he was about to take everyone to school (in his pajamas, because he didn't want to wake me up getting clothes) and did it so he could get dressed and not be late to work, but it was so sweet. And "really tired" is much less serious than caring for a surgical wound!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

By your own telling, you had a cold. Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold. I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off. I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor. You husband acted completely rationally.

This. I was going to say the same. No way would i hang up a work call unless an emergency.

The point is, he did not even bother to ascertain whether or not it was an emergency, he just flat out ignored the fact that someone was asking for him. If the situations were reversed, I would have put my work call on hold for the five seconds it would have taken to figure out who needed what, and either tell them that you will help them after your call, or tell work that you had to take care of something and you will have to hop off for 10 minutes. He did not even bother to do that, he just heard that someone was calling (either a sick spouse, or a kid that needed help), and he proceeded with his work call as if nothing had happened. There is a way to balance competing demands on one's time - but my DH does not have that capability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

By your own telling, you had a cold. Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold. I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off. I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor. You husband acted completely rationally.

This. I was going to say the same. No way would i hang up a work call unless an emergency.

The point is, he did not even bother to ascertain whether or not it was an emergency, he just flat out ignored the fact that someone was asking for him. If the situations were reversed, I would have put my work call on hold for the five seconds it would have taken to figure out who needed what, and either tell them that you will help them after your call, or tell work that you had to take care of something and you will have to hop off for 10 minutes. He did not even bother to do that, he just heard that someone was calling (either a sick spouse, or a kid that needed help), and he proceeded with his work call as if nothing had happened. There is a way to balance competing demands on one's time - but my DH does not have that capability.

An emergency? You have a cold! Why would he even think it was an emergency? And yes, he is allowed to "flat out ignore" you asking for him because you are not entitled to his attention whenever you want it.

It sounds like your husband very much knows how to balance competing demands on his time, but you just don't like the way he balances it.

Let me ask you, OP. Do you work? And if so, are you relatively equal in financial contribution to the home?

[Anonymous]

https://abcnews.go.com/Lifestyle/wireStory/seoul-city-criticized-sexist-tips-pregnant-women-75194866

That's the advice to you, OP.

In all seriousness, my DH has taken care of me and the kids. I had two csections, and was involved in a bad car accident. DH can cook. The cleaning is not up to my standards, but that's fine. Dishes/pots do get washed, and laundry gets done.

Cooking is the big hurdle IMO. DH's mom taught him how to cook, and he likes to cook. We've taught our kids, including teen DS, how to cook and do laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op and just wanted to add: I meant to say that doing the chores ahead of time is so I can recover in a pleasant environment. I have no expectation that he’ll care for the house while I’m out of commission, but he won’t even care for that part of it that will affect me.

I don’t care if the house gets dirty, but I hate the idea that I’ll be caring for a pretty nasty incision/wound and trying to prevent infection in a bathroom that he won’t bother to keep up, I’ll run out of clean comfortable clothing, I’ll be hungry because he doesn’t feel like bringing food upstairs yet again, or out of water or sleeping in sweaty sheets unless I beg for a water bottle refill or clean bedding. Cleaners and meal kits are great, but will only help DH and my kid, not me.

There are things that I think a person who is in pain medication and has fresh stitches shouldn’t have to ask for in real time and can’t hire out. The stuff I can’t outsource is precisely what DH won’t do.

NP. I'm not going to read every post so sorry if this gets said already but:

I'm sorry about your surgery. Is there some chance you're displacing even a little of your fear about it into the form of anger at him over household tasks? Yes, I know. You've established well that he was useless when you had your baby, etc.

But seriously: He and your child will not starve. If he has enough sense to take your child to the hospital if something is bleeding and they both survive, you may have to let that be your threshold. I am NOT excusing his lack of ability to care for you, which is pitiful and rather immature, but I am saying all you can control right now is YOU, so it's now, pragmatically, setting your bare minimum priorities, or spending weeks getting increasingly angry.

I know, that sounds cavalier. But you have time--barely! -- to swallow your anger about having a husband who needs a list, and to just make him a list. The energy you're devoting to (very understandable) resentment is energy you could be putting toward that list and a serious sit-down -- no kid present to distract -- with him. Does he know how much you dislike and resent him for the inability to think of what you might need? In clear terms? Have you had a real and frank talk about this or do you just say "I feel like I do everything myself" and walk out of the room? He needs to hear that even if he doesn't change because of it. We all would love partners who are thoughtful enough to anticipate our needs especially in difficult times. He's not going to do that and you know it, so you can either reduce your expectations and reduce your personal list of "what MUST be done or the household falls apart" and give him a short list, OR you can spend your recuperative period angry and upset and resenting him more each day. So: Lower your standards or spend your recuperation period pissed off.

Your wound care is at the top, way way ahead of laundry, you get that, right? So: Cleaning your bathroom is his number one job on your list. And so on. Order groceries online (you can do that even from recovery bed, right? If you don't trust him to order) or put up with more takeout. Give your seven-year-old chores daily and give a lot of praise for helping mom while she's recovering. Whatever it takes. But after this is all over, OP, you and DH need to get into therapy or counseling to work on his total diffidence and lack of empathy, and your intense resentment. If you don't you will have a seven year old who shuttles between two households.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

By your own telling, you had a cold. Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold. I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off. I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor. You husband acted completely rationally.

This. I was going to say the same. No way would i hang up a work call unless an emergency.

The point is, he did not even bother to ascertain whether or not it was an emergency, he just flat out ignored the fact that someone was asking for him. If the situations were reversed, I would have put my work call on hold for the five seconds it would have taken to figure out who needed what, and either tell them that you will help them after your call, or tell work that you had to take care of something and you will have to hop off for 10 minutes. He did not even bother to do that, he just heard that someone was calling (either a sick spouse, or a kid that needed help), and he proceeded with his work call as if nothing had happened. There is a way to balance competing demands on one's time - but my DH does not have that capability.

First, using this rationale, every time you are on a call and you get another incoming call, you put the first call on hold, and check to see if the second call is an emergency? That is nuts and incredibly unprofessional.

Second, when he said he thought it was you, you quite specifically complained, "WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?!" There was no reason to even suspect an emergency, so yes, ignore it. You sound really high maintenance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, this is worst fear with covid. Who would take care of me if I got super sick and was bed bound? I think he could manage to keep the kids alive and run the dishwasher and washing machine, but I am not confident in his nursing skills.

I’m sick right now and my husband is just deeply inconvenienced.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely. My husband is a true equal partner. Now, we both have our blind spots for sure - he pays all the bills and does all the cooking, I do all the laundry and bath time. So especially if one of us was going to be “out” for this long we’d do some prep/knowledge downloads in advance. But that would be a group discussion. For example, before I gave birth to our second, we did bath time together a few times so he could see how I do it and be able to step in while I was recovering/nursing as needed (although obviously in a pinch he could have just done it, it’s not rocket science). And if he goes away for a weekend, we eat a lot of take out, ha.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with someone who is comfortable being such a taker, especially when you’re dealing with a health issue. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

By your own telling, you had a cold. Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold. I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off. I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor. You husband acted completely rationally.

This. I was going to say the same. No way would i hang up a work call unless an emergency.

The point is, he did not even bother to ascertain whether or not it was an emergency, he just flat out ignored the fact that someone was asking for him. If the situations were reversed, I would have put my work call on hold for the five seconds it would have taken to figure out who needed what, and either tell them that you will help them after your call, or tell work that you had to take care of something and you will have to hop off for 10 minutes. He did not even bother to do that, he just heard that someone was calling (either a sick spouse, or a kid that needed help), and he proceeded with his work call as if nothing had happened. There is a way to balance competing demands on one's time - but my DH does not have that capability.

An emergency? You have a cold! Why would he even think it was an emergency? And yes, he is allowed to "flat out ignore" you asking for him because you are not entitled to his attention whenever you want it.

It sounds like your husband very much knows how to balance competing demands on his time, but you just don't like the way he balances it.

Let me ask you, OP. Do you work? And if so, are you relatively equal in financial contribution to the home?

Again, I was not the one who called him - DC did, who was waiting for him to talk to the Dr. as previously agreed upon. He just "thought" it was me, but never bothered to actually find out, even though he was supposed to handle the Dr. appointment today, and he knew what time that was. And by "calling", I don't mean a phone call - I mean DC coming down the stairs, poking their head into his office and asking him to come upstairs for the appointment, which he clearly ignored, because he "thought" it was me. He was facing away from the door at the time, so he only heard that someone asked him to come. Why he thought it would be me, I have no idea. I was fast asleep at the time. I only found out about it when I asked him that afternoon what the Dr. said. Wow, reading comprehension would be a good skill to cultivate, you guys. Also, it could have been any kind of emergency, completely unrelated to my cold. I could have fallen and broken my ankle. Or burnt myself on the stove. Or whatever. That is not the point. How hard is it to say "hey, I am on a call, is this urgent?" or conversely, ask the other party to hold one second while I answer a quick question, instead of just ignoring it flat out. I mean, don't you guys ever have people stop by your office when you are on another call, and then you mute your phone for a minute to see if this is something I can deal with in 10 seconds or less, or just tell the person you will get back to them later? How is that an unreasonable expectation? It's not like I nag him 15 times a day about trivial stuff - I have my own full plate at work to manage, so if I tell him something, or ask him something, chances are, it's important and relevant.

Also, yes, I do work, and I am on more than equal footing with DH career and money wise, although I fail to see what that has to do with anything. Except I am also the default parent, but it is OK for him to blow off family for work - just not for me apparently, not even when I am sick and when I specifically asked him to take care of this one appointment.

[Anonymous]

This is just the way it is with most men and women. I have reconciled myself to this. Strengthen your relationships with your female friends, they are likely the ones who will do the most caring for you when you need it.