Is your DH capable of caretaking?

[Anonymous]

In the time it took you to write your first post, you could make up a Google calendar with repeating events and set reminders for everything he needs to do. I realize that making sure he gets reminded (by his phone, not by you) is not the same thing as actually making sure he follows through on these tasks, but it's a good start. At least it would take the mental pressure off of you to remember and stay on top if all after your surgery.

Good luck - I hope you heal quickly and that your husband steps us. I know that my husband is considerably more (though not fully) aware and competent now that our child has been around a few years than he was just after the birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP one more time. I’ve read the last couple of pages of replies and am surprised by how nasty and dismissive people are. I just asked if your DH is capable of caregiving and described the situation I’m going to be in. People piled on and accused me of being some kind of uptight princess for wanting to recover in a clean and healthy environment that I won’t be able to create on my own. How outsourced is everyone’s life that PPs are posing it as a choice between dirty house/Uber eats or checking into a nursing home. I’m an anxious baby for expecting anything in the middle?!

OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through and I don't know why so many DCUM commenters have been so nasty.

BUT. Reading your initial post and some of your replies, it jumps out at me that you have inadvertently helped create this monster. Every time you're out of town, you arrange everything and give him a schedule. You plan all the meals, you are responsible for all of the stuff around the house, all while he just lounges and watches football. If you want him to be capable of caretaking, you need to make him learn, and he will not learn by you continuing to do it all. Throw him into the deep end.

I think there was a Carolyn Hax letter writer years ago who wrote about having the revelation that you need to have. She had some kind of traumatic accident and surgery, and woke up her first day at home to her husband and kids surrounding the foot of her bed saying, "so....what's for dinner?" It made her realize that they weren't being deliberately callous, it was just that they had not learned how to operate any other way, because every other time she had been out of commission, traveling for work, or whatever, she had planned everything down to a T. To the point that what she realized was, they were scared to even attempt anything that she hadn't planned.

You've trained dependency. Time to switch gears and train independence.

Yes, I am walking out the door for a three day weekend with girlfriends shortly. I told my husband “our normal Friday sitter has to leave early and I didn’t plan any weekend sitters because I didn’t know your plans.” That is the sum total of what I have done to prepare him for the weekend. We do have a pretty strict 50/50 schedule on early wake ups with our special needs kid so I did do the last three days since he will now have three days in a row. I have no idea what they will do, eat, etc — and I don’t really care.

Yep, this is how it's done. Husbands are adults, they will figure it out.

[Anonymous]

My husband doesn't have a clue about the kids' schedules so I'd have to leave a detailed calendar for him but otherwise, yes, he could handle things. There might be a lot of fast food / delivery but that's fine. If I wanted to ensure I'd have healthier food on hand, I'd make those arrangements ahead of time. His ability to handle caretaking does not necessitate his replicating my own way of caretaking.

[Anonymous]

DH and I have different styles of caretaking, but he is a capable and thoughtful adult. I accepted long ago that when I am away and he has the kids, they will do things differently than if I was there.

If I am the one being cared for and want things to be done a specific way, I need to tell him and lay the groundwork to set him up for success, but if I did nothing he would still feed me, check on me regularly, do all essential errands, and make sure I was comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband doesn't have a clue about the kids' schedules so I'd have to leave a detailed calendar for him but otherwise, yes, he could handle things. There might be a lot of fast food / delivery but that's fine. If I wanted to ensure I'd have healthier food on hand, I'd make those arrangements ahead of time. His ability to handle caretaking does not necessitate his replicating my own way of caretaking.

So, if your DH had to take care of the kids for a week, then you would be ok with them eating fast food for the entire week? Can he not make healthy food?

Wow, some of you have low standards for your husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband doesn't have a clue about the kids' schedules so I'd have to leave a detailed calendar for him but otherwise, yes, he could handle things. There might be a lot of fast food / delivery but that's fine. If I wanted to ensure I'd have healthier food on hand, I'd make those arrangements ahead of time. His ability to handle caretaking does not necessitate his replicating my own way of caretaking.

So, if your DH had to take care of the kids for a week, then you would be ok with them eating fast food for the entire week? Can he not make healthy food?

Wow, some of you have low standards for your husbands.

He doesn't know how to cook if it isn't from a box (his single mother worked long hours and did not cook) and has no interest in learning to prepare healthy food other than the occasional salad. For a week, the kids would enjoy it and that would be fine with me. I did make him promise that if I get hit by a bus at some point, he'll make the kids eat a vegetable from time to time!

[Anonymous]

^^ but I would be cared for, the kids would get to where they needed to go and be cared for, the laundry would get done, the house cleaned etc. He is a caring and functioning grownup other than not being able to cook decent food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband doesn't have a clue about the kids' schedules so I'd have to leave a detailed calendar for him but otherwise, yes, he could handle things. There might be a lot of fast food / delivery but that's fine. If I wanted to ensure I'd have healthier food on hand, I'd make those arrangements ahead of time. His ability to handle caretaking does not necessitate his replicating my own way of caretaking.

So, if your DH had to take care of the kids for a week, then you would be ok with them eating fast food for the entire week? Can he not make healthy food?

Wow, some of you have low standards for your husbands.

I’m a different poster (the one that is walking out the door for the weekend and I have no idea what they will eat). My husband doesn’t really cook either, but I doubt that means they will only eat fast food. I imagine he might scramble some eggs for breakfast and give them a banana. He might get kabobs from our favorite Mediterranean place. They might eat a ham sandwich and some cucumber slices. And he might get steak, asparagus and mashed potatoes for them from a restaurant. Frankly, I don’t think eating fast food for a week is a big problem. But people who don’t cook also can manage to eat reasonably healthy.

[Anonymous]

My DH will (and has) acted like OP's DH if I don't intervene. He just doesn't think about this stuff. He's also a procrastinator and when a task is unpleasant he just tries to put it out of his head. It's very stressful and annoying!

But he absolutely will do caretaking when either (1) it's an immediate need, or (2) I ask him nicely. Is it annoying that I have to ask nicely? Yes. Is it annoying I have to ask at all? Yes. But it's the way it is. I love him and don't want a divorce, so I have accepted this is how our marriage works.

Since he is pretty good at handling immediate needs, I will often ask him to be the point person for day to day stuff while I prepare in advance for other things. So like hanging out with the kids on Sunday while I grocery shop, meal prep, review the week's schedule, etc. I also periodically assign that stuff to him so he knows what it is and what goes into it, because he needs to. He can do it if he has to. But I'm much better at it, so I do it most weeks.

My DH is also really responsive to routines. If I can create routines around school, activities, meals, and bedtimes, DH can usually follow them. That means if I have to go out of town or I come down with a cold or something, things don't fall apart. He can hold down the fort, even if it means me doing a lot of the legwork ahead of time.

In terms of taking care of me, he will do okay. He'll make dinner and fix me a plate and bring it to me, and make sure I have a drink or medication if I need it. He might sit around watching football instead of helping get ready for a planned surgery, but he's not a total asshole or something. He just does not think ahead or strategize in that way, and I've learned to live with it.

[Anonymous]

I had a serious surgery and my DH did well but here’s the catch - we were in a different state and the kids were being watched by grandparents. Is there something else you can do with the kids so he can focus on you? If he’s really that terrible I would rent an apt near the hospital and hire a nurse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

By your own telling, you had a cold. Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold. I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off. I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor. You husband acted completely rationally.

This. I was going to say the same. No way would i hang up a work call unless an emergency.

The point is, he did not even bother to ascertain whether or not it was an emergency, he just flat out ignored the fact that someone was asking for him. If the situations were reversed, I would have put my work call on hold for the five seconds it would have taken to figure out who needed what, and either tell them that you will help them after your call, or tell work that you had to take care of something and you will have to hop off for 10 minutes. He did not even bother to do that, he just heard that someone was calling (either a sick spouse, or a kid that needed help), and he proceeded with his work call as if nothing had happened. There is a way to balance competing demands on one's time - but my DH does not have that capability.

An emergency? You have a cold! Why would he even think it was an emergency? And yes, he is allowed to "flat out ignore" you asking for him because you are not entitled to his attention whenever you want it.

It sounds like your husband very much knows how to balance competing demands on his time, but you just don't like the way he balances it.

Let me ask you, OP. Do you work? And if so, are you relatively equal in financial contribution to the home?

Again, I was not the one who called him - DC did, who was waiting for him to talk to the Dr. as previously agreed upon. He just "thought" it was me, but never bothered to actually find out, even though he was supposed to handle the Dr. appointment today, and he knew what time that was. And by "calling", I don't mean a phone call - I mean DC coming down the stairs, poking their head into his office and asking him to come upstairs for the appointment, which he clearly ignored, because he "thought" it was me. He was facing away from the door at the time, so he only heard that someone asked him to come. Why he thought it would be me, I have no idea. I was fast asleep at the time. I only found out about it when I asked him that afternoon what the Dr. said. Wow, reading comprehension would be a good skill to cultivate, you guys. Also, it could have been any kind of emergency, completely unrelated to my cold. I could have fallen and broken my ankle. Or burnt myself on the stove. Or whatever. That is not the point. How hard is it to say "hey, I am on a call, is this urgent?" or conversely, ask the other party to hold one second while I answer a quick question, instead of just ignoring it flat out. I mean, don't you guys ever have people stop by your office when you are on another call, and then you mute your phone for a minute to see if this is something I can deal with in 10 seconds or less, or just tell the person you will get back to them later? How is that an unreasonable expectation? It's not like I nag him 15 times a day about trivial stuff - I have my own full plate at work to manage, so if I tell him something, or ask him something, chances are, it's important and relevant.

Also, yes, I do work, and I am on more than equal footing with DH career and money wise, although I fail to see what that has to do with anything. Except I am also the default parent, but it is OK for him to blow off family for work - just not for me apparently, not even when I am sick and when I specifically asked him to take care of this one appointment.

Lord, Op, you just keep digging deeper. To the bolded, no I literally have never said on a work call in my entire life "can you hold on a second" to the person I'm talking to, or muted to say "hey, i'm on a call, is this urgent". Why? Because first, my priority is my job from 9-6 every day. And second, because no one in my life has ever interrupted me during a work call, because they respect my time. And third, because in the 20 years I've been working, literally there has never once been an emergency during a work call. Because things like that just don't happen. Sure, with DH and I both working from home, we have moments of sign language to communicate simple things during our calls. But interrupt such that the person on the other end of the call knows you're talking to someone else? Uh no.

The fact that you're saying that this is normal suggests, yet again, that you are insanely high drama, high maintenance and your DH struggles to deal with you.

Wow i haven’t read the whole thread but totally disagree. Working from home full time these days when at least my job as turned into calls all day that would otherwise just be quick in person convos, people constantly put each other on hold or jump on and off. More so at the start of pandemic when everything was nuts. But this inability to mute comment is bonkers to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

By your own telling, you had a cold. Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold. I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off. I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor. You husband acted completely rationally.

This. I was going to say the same. No way would i hang up a work call unless an emergency.

The point is, he did not even bother to ascertain whether or not it was an emergency, he just flat out ignored the fact that someone was asking for him. If the situations were reversed, I would have put my work call on hold for the five seconds it would have taken to figure out who needed what, and either tell them that you will help them after your call, or tell work that you had to take care of something and you will have to hop off for 10 minutes. He did not even bother to do that, he just heard that someone was calling (either a sick spouse, or a kid that needed help), and he proceeded with his work call as if nothing had happened. There is a way to balance competing demands on one's time - but my DH does not have that capability.

An emergency? You have a cold! Why would he even think it was an emergency? And yes, he is allowed to "flat out ignore" you asking for him because you are not entitled to his attention whenever you want it.

It sounds like your husband very much knows how to balance competing demands on his time, but you just don't like the way he balances it.

Let me ask you, OP. Do you work? And if so, are you relatively equal in financial contribution to the home?

Again, I was not the one who called him - DC did, who was waiting for him to talk to the Dr. as previously agreed upon. He just "thought" it was me, but never bothered to actually find out, even though he was supposed to handle the Dr. appointment today, and he knew what time that was. And by "calling", I don't mean a phone call - I mean DC coming down the stairs, poking their head into his office and asking him to come upstairs for the appointment, which he clearly ignored, because he "thought" it was me. He was facing away from the door at the time, so he only heard that someone asked him to come. Why he thought it would be me, I have no idea. I was fast asleep at the time. I only found out about it when I asked him that afternoon what the Dr. said. Wow, reading comprehension would be a good skill to cultivate, you guys. Also, it could have been any kind of emergency, completely unrelated to my cold. I could have fallen and broken my ankle. Or burnt myself on the stove. Or whatever. That is not the point. How hard is it to say "hey, I am on a call, is this urgent?" or conversely, ask the other party to hold one second while I answer a quick question, instead of just ignoring it flat out. I mean, don't you guys ever have people stop by your office when you are on another call, and then you mute your phone for a minute to see if this is something I can deal with in 10 seconds or less, or just tell the person you will get back to them later? How is that an unreasonable expectation? It's not like I nag him 15 times a day about trivial stuff - I have my own full plate at work to manage, so if I tell him something, or ask him something, chances are, it's important and relevant.

Also, yes, I do work, and I am on more than equal footing with DH career and money wise, although I fail to see what that has to do with anything. Except I am also the default parent, but it is OK for him to blow off family for work - just not for me apparently, not even when I am sick and when I specifically asked him to take care of this one appointment.

Lord, Op, you just keep digging deeper. To the bolded, no I literally have never said on a work call in my entire life "can you hold on a second" to the person I'm talking to, or muted to say "hey, i'm on a call, is this urgent". Why? Because first, my priority is my job from 9-6 every day. And second, because no one in my life has ever interrupted me during a work call, because they respect my time. And third, because in the 20 years I've been working, literally there has never once been an emergency during a work call. Because things like that just don't happen. Sure, with DH and I both working from home, we have moments of sign language to communicate simple things during our calls. But interrupt such that the person on the other end of the call knows you're talking to someone else? Uh no.

The fact that you're saying that this is normal suggests, yet again, that you are insanely high drama, high maintenance and your DH struggles to deal with you.

Wow i haven’t read the whole thread but totally disagree. Working from home full time these days when at least my job as turned into calls all day that would otherwise just be quick in person convos, people constantly put each other on hold or jump on and off. More so at the start of pandemic when everything was nuts. But this inability to mute comment is bonkers to me.

Man this PP takes her job reallllly seriously.

Absolutely people can deal with important personal stuff - call back from the Dr office, daycare calling to say kid is sick and needs to be picked up. And actual emergencies.

I wouldn't say "my job is my priority 9-6" -- my priorities are always the same.

Most jobs are just not THAT important, sorry, unless you're like a surgeon or something -- it's a phone call lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

By your own telling, you had a cold. Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold. I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off. I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor. You husband acted completely rationally.

This. I was going to say the same. No way would i hang up a work call unless an emergency.

The point is, he did not even bother to ascertain whether or not it was an emergency, he just flat out ignored the fact that someone was asking for him. If the situations were reversed, I would have put my work call on hold for the five seconds it would have taken to figure out who needed what, and either tell them that you will help them after your call, or tell work that you had to take care of something and you will have to hop off for 10 minutes. He did not even bother to do that, he just heard that someone was calling (either a sick spouse, or a kid that needed help), and he proceeded with his work call as if nothing had happened. There is a way to balance competing demands on one's time - but my DH does not have that capability.

An emergency? You have a cold! Why would he even think it was an emergency? And yes, he is allowed to "flat out ignore" you asking for him because you are not entitled to his attention whenever you want it.

It sounds like your husband very much knows how to balance competing demands on his time, but you just don't like the way he balances it.

Let me ask you, OP. Do you work? And if so, are you relatively equal in financial contribution to the home?

Again, I was not the one who called him - DC did, who was waiting for him to talk to the Dr. as previously agreed upon. He just "thought" it was me, but never bothered to actually find out, even though he was supposed to handle the Dr. appointment today, and he knew what time that was. And by "calling", I don't mean a phone call - I mean DC coming down the stairs, poking their head into his office and asking him to come upstairs for the appointment, which he clearly ignored, because he "thought" it was me. He was facing away from the door at the time, so he only heard that someone asked him to come. Why he thought it would be me, I have no idea. I was fast asleep at the time. I only found out about it when I asked him that afternoon what the Dr. said. Wow, reading comprehension would be a good skill to cultivate, you guys. Also, it could have been any kind of emergency, completely unrelated to my cold. I could have fallen and broken my ankle. Or burnt myself on the stove. Or whatever. That is not the point. How hard is it to say "hey, I am on a call, is this urgent?" or conversely, ask the other party to hold one second while I answer a quick question, instead of just ignoring it flat out. I mean, don't you guys ever have people stop by your office when you are on another call, and then you mute your phone for a minute to see if this is something I can deal with in 10 seconds or less, or just tell the person you will get back to them later? How is that an unreasonable expectation? It's not like I nag him 15 times a day about trivial stuff - I have my own full plate at work to manage, so if I tell him something, or ask him something, chances are, it's important and relevant.

Also, yes, I do work, and I am on more than equal footing with DH career and money wise, although I fail to see what that has to do with anything. Except I am also the default parent, but it is OK for him to blow off family for work - just not for me apparently, not even when I am sick and when I specifically asked him to take care of this one appointment.

Lord, Op, you just keep digging deeper. To the bolded, no I literally have never said on a work call in my entire life "can you hold on a second" to the person I'm talking to, or muted to say "hey, i'm on a call, is this urgent". Why? Because first, my priority is my job from 9-6 every day. And second, because no one in my life has ever interrupted me during a work call, because they respect my time. And third, because in the 20 years I've been working, literally there has never once been an emergency during a work call. Because things like that just don't happen. Sure, with DH and I both working from home, we have moments of sign language to communicate simple things during our calls. But interrupt such that the person on the other end of the call knows you're talking to someone else? Uh no.

The fact that you're saying that this is normal suggests, yet again, that you are insanely high drama, high maintenance and your DH struggles to deal with you.

Wow i haven’t read the whole thread but totally disagree. Working from home full time these days when at least my job as turned into calls all day that would otherwise just be quick in person convos, people constantly put each other on hold or jump on and off. More so at the start of pandemic when everything was nuts. But this inability to mute comment is bonkers to me.

Man this PP takes her job reallllly seriously.

Absolutely people can deal with important personal stuff - call back from the Dr office, daycare calling to say kid is sick and needs to be picked up. And actual emergencies.

I wouldn't say "my job is my priority 9-6" -- my priorities are always the same.

Most jobs are just not THAT important, sorry, unless you're like a surgeon or something -- it's a phone call lol.

Sort of agree, but also, not clear that the check in with the therapist was of utmost importance either that a work call had to be immediately ended. And if it WAS that important, was the cold so bad that you couldn't jump on since you weren't on a work call? Seems like you want drama and to "be right" than to actually solve problems. Maybe your DH is responding poorly to that dysfunctional dynamic.

[Anonymous]

My spouse has no common sense so makes more problems during emergencies or prep periods. So no, they are not my POA or emergency contact nor do I count on them for much. My friends, family and children are aware of this as well.