Is your DH capable of caretaking?

[Anonymous]

This is another reason I think moms with you g kids should go away occasionally on girls trips, solo trips to see families, etc. If the dads knew all along how to keep the house and family going, then it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

I realized that when my husband traveled for work, he just said good-bye and waltzed out the door. When I traveled (for work or pleasure), I grocery shopped, menu planned, wrote out the schedule, organized carpools (to make it *easier* for him), etc. I realized that wasn’t good for any of us. Now we we have a shared family calendar and I can just leave, too.

Too late for you, OP, but something to keep in mind.

[Anonymous]

I'm sadly in the minority, but my DH actually did MORE caregiving in the first ~3 months than I did (except the boob part, of course). I had an awful, intense childbirth and was genuinely too exhausted to do much in the newborn phase. I fed, he did literally everything else. Now she is 2yo and he does just as much as I do.

[Anonymous]

Bump.
My own DH is a video game addict, so getting his attention is absolutely a problem. I totally totally understand your concern, OP.
Would it help to post on the eldercare forum for suggestions for a convalescent recovery center? I know you say you can't afford it....but you are going to save all this money and then, surprise, DH gets to retire earlier!
I always thought, for myself, that if I am not in the building at all then DH would figure out he DOES need to be in charge of EVERYTHING in that situation. Plus, the center would take care of all my meals, make sure I had a clean bathroom, etc.

[Anonymous]

Yes, he is capable. I am going to have surgery that requires six weeks of being out of work next month. I’m not worried about any of this. Some things we already outsource, like cleaning. We have a special needs kid so he will be getting up insanely early with her instead of splitting days we me and changing her diaper, etc. He already does our laundry. He doesn’t really cook, but we will all be fed. He will take our neurotypical kid to dance and acting in the evenings. I’m sure he will have moments of being annoyed when I need “one more thing”, but he isn’t going to leave me without food or drink. He will help me with my at home PT.

Honestly, let’s pretend I died during surgery — both my kids and my home would be just fine!!! Frankly, my husband is neater than I am. Our neurotypical kid might do fewer activities, but who cares? He will not sign up for summer camp until the last minute so they might not get their preferences, but again, who cares? I don’t understand procreating with people that cannot care for a child — at least you shouldn’t have more than one kid once you figure out your spouse sucks at this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is capable. I am going to have surgery that requires six weeks of being out of work next month. I’m not worried about any of this. Some things we already outsource, like cleaning. We have a special needs kid so he will be getting up insanely early with her instead of splitting days we me and changing her diaper, etc. He already does our laundry. He doesn’t really cook, but we will all be fed. He will take our neurotypical kid to dance and acting in the evenings. I’m sure he will have moments of being annoyed when I need “one more thing”, but he isn’t going to leave me without food or drink. He will help me with my at home PT.

Honestly, let’s pretend I died during surgery — both my kids and my home would be just fine!!! Frankly, my husband is neater than I am. Our neurotypical kid might do fewer activities, but who cares? He will not sign up for summer camp until the last minute so they might not get their preferences, but again, who cares? I don’t understand procreating with people that cannot care for a child — at least you shouldn’t have more than one kid once you figure out your spouse sucks at this.

Let me add. It hasn’t even occurred to me to “prep in advance” other than making sure our downstairs bedroom is clean enough for me to live in and move my clothes down there since stairs will be a problem.

[Anonymous]

Yes and No

My H was injured on the job and on work man's comp for 4 months. Home... no job.

So I said, great you are a SAHD now, you will do food, laundry, dog, the schedule, etc.

The 1st month was a disaster. I showed up to a sports tournament on the wrong day and games at the wrong time multiple times.

After the 1st month he got a little better, but not great but everybody survived. What he learned is what I do it hard and I do it very well, he was more thankful and less critical. What I learned is that what I do is hard and I do it very well and he needs to help more.

When I am sick he is good about making sure I have everything I need and he can manage for a day/week/etc. Month after month after month, it's too much.

I have 10 friends that have had cancer. 2 H's were very helpful, 2 mildly, 6 that were useless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op and just wanted to add: I meant to say that doing the chores ahead of time is so I can recover in a pleasant environment. I have no expectation that he’ll care for the house while I’m out of commission, but he won’t even care for that part of it that will affect me.

I don’t care if the house gets dirty, but I hate the idea that I’ll be caring for a pretty nasty incision/wound and trying to prevent infection in a bathroom that he won’t bother to keep up, I’ll run out of clean comfortable clothing, I’ll be hungry because he doesn’t feel like bringing food upstairs yet again, or out of water or sleeping in sweaty sheets unless I beg for a water bottle refill or clean bedding. Cleaners and meal kits are great, but will only help DH and my kid, not me.

There are things that I think a person who is in pain medication and has fresh stitches shouldn’t have to ask for in real time and can’t hire out. The stuff I can’t outsource is precisely what DH won’t do.

Your expectations are unrealistic. As someone who had 6 surgeries last year….it really doesn’t take that much planning. Have your phone and text him when you want something. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op and just wanted to add: I meant to say that doing the chores ahead of time is so I can recover in a pleasant environment. I have no expectation that he’ll care for the house while I’m out of commission, but he won’t even care for that part of it that will affect me.

I don’t care if the house gets dirty, but I hate the idea that I’ll be caring for a pretty nasty incision/wound and trying to prevent infection in a bathroom that he won’t bother to keep up, I’ll run out of clean comfortable clothing, I’ll be hungry because he doesn’t feel like bringing food upstairs yet again, or out of water or sleeping in sweaty sheets unless I beg for a water bottle refill or clean bedding. Cleaners and meal kits are great, but will only help DH and my kid, not me.

There are things that I think a person who is in pain medication and has fresh stitches shouldn’t have to ask for in real time and can’t hire out. The stuff I can’t outsource is precisely what DH won’t do.

Your expectations are unrealistic. As someone who had 6 surgeries last year….it really doesn’t take that much planning. Have your phone and text him when you want something. Done.

I agree with this, unless OP’s husband doesn’t do it when she asks. Obviously if somebody can’t get themselves food, you should bring them food. But it’s okay if they have to be told or reminded to being somebody food. It would be nice if they didn’t have to be reminded or asked, but if they are like that, it isn’t worth being upset at them for it.

I have had lots of surgeries too and my DH is great about taking care of me but I do ask him for what I need.

Also if you outsource things like cleaners and meals, it will be easier for your husband to care for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op and just wanted to add: I meant to say that doing the chores ahead of time is so I can recover in a pleasant environment. I have no expectation that he’ll care for the house while I’m out of commission, but he won’t even care for that part of it that will affect me.

I don’t care if the house gets dirty, but I hate the idea that I’ll be caring for a pretty nasty incision/wound and trying to prevent infection in a bathroom that he won’t bother to keep up, I’ll run out of clean comfortable clothing, I’ll be hungry because he doesn’t feel like bringing food upstairs yet again, or out of water or sleeping in sweaty sheets unless I beg for a water bottle refill or clean bedding. Cleaners and meal kits are great, but will only help DH and my kid, not me.

There are things that I think a person who is in pain medication and has fresh stitches shouldn’t have to ask for in real time and can’t hire out. The stuff I can’t outsource is precisely what DH won’t do.

I hope this is just misplaced anxiety. You are really catastrophizing here. You might only be out of commission for three days. And sleeping on the same sheets for a few weeks isn’t the end of the world. If you literally have to “beg for water” then you should get a divorce once you are recovered.

[Anonymous]

My DH has had a lot of practice. When kids were little he was the primary parent half of the time. So he knows how to dress and feed and prepare things. He doen't do it the same way I do it, but that's OK! More recently I've spent weeks at a time caring for my parents. He's good at taking care of everything while I'm gone. I don't worry that things will happen or not happen at all. In fact, without me the house probably runs a little smoother.

And yes, he can care for me, as well. Has in the past, may again. He's a rotten patient, but not everybody can be perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes and No

My H was injured on the job and on work man's comp for 4 months. Home... no job.

So I said, great you are a SAHD now, you will do food, laundry, dog, the schedule, etc.

The 1st month was a disaster. I showed up to a sports tournament on the wrong day and games at the wrong time multiple times.

After the 1st month he got a little better, but not great but everybody survived. What he learned is what I do it hard and I do it very well, he was more thankful and less critical. What I learned is that what I do is hard and I do it very well and he needs to help more.

When I am sick he is good about making sure I have everything I need and he can manage for a day/week/etc. Month after month after month, it's too much.

I have 10 friends that have had cancer. 2 H's were very helpful, 2 mildly, 6 that were useless.

How old are you that you’ve had ten friends with cancer? Sorry to hear, especially about the DHs.

[Anonymous]

You need to stop focusing on your feelings, and focus on what you need done. Hire someone to clean and do the laundry.

Open your mouth and ask for what you want. Don’t sit and stew thinking about what he would if he could read your mind. Nothing good lies that way. If you ask him to do things for you and he doesn’t, that’s a different story.

[Anonymous]

I married my husband after seeing him wash dishes at a party at another person’s house. That said, I believe women in male-female partnerships should dial back what they do. Let the laundry pile up. Let the house get messy. See what happens. Eventually, people will be out of underwear. At that point, they can choose to wear dirty underwear or do their own laundry.

I decided I would never buy presents for spouse’s family and add all that extra work to my plate. I do buy presents sometimes but not all the holiday ones. I become very dumb and “incapable” of doing certain things.

I hire people. Spouse doesn’t like to spend the money but I have pointed out that if he is not going to do it and doesn’t want to pay anyone to do it, then he is saying it is my job.

If I had a recovery as long as yours, I would hire a personal aide to come for 6-8 hours a day to help you. You can get someone from a home car agency. This is my plan if I become ill, because spouse will leave me in the bedroom without checking on me for hours.

For anyone with sons, teach them better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is another reason I think moms with you g kids should go away occasionally on girls trips, solo trips to see families, etc. If the dads knew all along how to keep the house and family going, then it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

I realized that when my husband traveled for work, he just said good-bye and waltzed out the door. When I traveled (for work or pleasure), I grocery shopped, menu planned, wrote out the schedule, organized carpools (to make it *easier* for him), etc. I realized that wasn’t good for any of us. Now we we have a shared family calendar and I can just leave, too.

Too late for you, OP, but something to keep in mind.

I went in a business trip years ago and the other woman had planned meals, put food in the fridge, etc. I merely left my house. If my husband could not handle a few meals, I would not have married him. I didn’t get married to be someone’s servant.

[Anonymous]

This is a MUCH bigger problem than just this one surgery.

He won't wash your clothes so you have comfortable things to wear? Wtf kind of of a**hole is he?

I'd spend your time recovering planning to divorce.